Sharing a Synchronicity

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I attended a leadership event this weekend hosted by my team with a couple as the keynote speaker.  They talked about the dance of conversation as it pertains to business and today I woke up to one of my inspirational leaders discussing the dance with the universe and life.  It goes both ways.  Sometimes you need to allow the message of the universe to simply flow through you.  You need to receive and then you need to act.  You need to put out the energy to the universe to receive.  Think and Grow Rich talks about the brain as a receiver and an energy emitter.  So discussing this dance of conversation and working with people as we learn to help them, it translates to the bigger picture of the dance with the universe and getting in touch with that universal flow.

My husband and I discussed some future plans this weekend and I saw him struggling with committing to what I was talking about in regards to our business.  I saw that it went further and that he was having trouble committing to a vision of what we are working toward.  It’s totally natural, I understood where he was at.  We’ve both struggled with believing what is possible and it makes it difficult to plan for something when you really don’t believe it can happen.  But what is key here is learning who you are and knowing how to express your gifts with others.  If we are going to be in flow, we need to be in frequency and that means knowing what we are emitting at all times.  It means knowing what we intend to emit and what we intend to receive and how we intend to use it for the good of all involved. 

I’ve been gifted with many synchronicities over the last few months and I am guilty of not following them as I should have.  I’ve taken steps, I never outright ignored them.  But I am guilty of not diving in whole-heartedly.  I’m still not willing to disappoint people and I still fear that I will lose my ground/security if I don’t do as I’m told.  But I know that if there are this many signs and they are still coming even after expressing fear, then this is the path I’m meant to follow.  I know that I am dancing with the universe and at this point it’s just practicing the steps.  It’s learning to allow and flow while harnessing the power of the gift I have been granted.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for a kick in the ass.  I had a tough conversation with my mentor yesterday about some things that have been happening in my life lately and I will go into more detail about that later this week.  I really struggled with what she was telling me because I’ve put myself in the position of being right in this situation.  She agreed that I was right but she also pointed out how that didn’t matter.  There comes a point where what we want and what we hope to get out of something turns into control rather than any sort of validation.  I’ve been looking for validation, I’ve been looking for people to tell me I’m right in this situation and I’ve been looking for them to approach this other person the same way they approach me: tell them they are wrong and they need to wake up and make some changes.  I’m tired of being responsible for changing the trajectory of my life because others can’t get it together.  And, again, my mentor pointed out it’s irrelevant because we can only control ourselves.  I’m not happy about it, but I see the validity of what she said and it does feel different.

Today I am grateful for letting go.  Adding to the kick in the ass mentioned above, my mentor also offered some much needed advice in the form of letting go.  I’ve been so focused on multiple goals and outcomes that I’ve lost sight of my connection with here and now.  There is a need for setting goals and working toward them and it pays to aim high, that isn’t the point.  When we get so wound up and have multiple foci and we try to keep the external factors to 0, that is control.  We think we can pull the strings to get results and that everyone and everything will play along so we yield the outcome we were hoping for.  That isn’t life.  Regardless of that, the value of connecting with the present goes out the window.  So my mentor told me to leave my phone at home and take my son to a festival we had at his school.  She told me to let go of tomorrow and be there today and that my presence, taking pictures with a real camera would show others how present we can be.  She was right.

Today I am grateful for the deep work.  Part of healing means going dark—literally going to the dark side of the depths of the things we aren’t even sure we remember but mainly the things we do.  It means getting to the roots of what causes us to control and to seek safety in knowing every detail.  I’m grateful to work through these things because there are many deep seated issues that manifest in unexpected ways.  There can be a real present day cause of anxiety or whatever symptoms you/we have, but that present cause is still a trigger linked to what happened previously.  So if there is concern around money now, what previously led you to the feeling of lack?  If there is anger around equitable division of work, hat previously led you to feeling taken advantage of?  It really is about the deeper questions.

Today I’m grateful for healing.  The storm hasn’t entirely passed, not by a long shot.  There is a lot of work to come regarding what happened over this last week.  There is emotional damage that will leave its mark for a long time and things feel a little empty now.  A little hollow.  I’ve resorted to a few old habits for the sake of comfort, and I’ve learned that I do need to be a little bit gentler with myself at this time.  I took on too much and spread too thin and now I need to ease up the pace and focus.  I really thought I could handle it al.  Not so much.  But I am grateful for the questions and the reframing and looking at why I felt the need to do all of that in the first place.  I’m grateful to understand the context of letting go and forgiveness.  It puts ownership of our lives firmly in our court.

Today I’m grateful for the ability to spoil myself…within reason.  I mentioned there were some habits I fell back on and one of them is a mild retail therapy.  I’m so grateful that I was able to afford stepping out today with my son and doing some shopping.  Finding a few pieces to make myself feel better.  And also something to look forward to.  I went to a really dark place this week, not knowing what would happen in my life within the next second let alone the future.  I haven’t done that kind of shopping in a while and I know I shouldn’t do it again for a bit, but it felt like a release and another way to be a bit more gentle with myself.  To take a step back, maybe into an old habit, but also with a different outlook on the purpose.  It wasn’t about numbing and creating more of an issue for myself down the line.  It was about giving myself some grace to be human and enjoy the moment and know that I will recover in the end.  Context, intent, and purpose make all the difference. 

Today I am grateful for fun.  I’m grateful that in the midst of all the craziness, we were still able to have some fun this weekend.  I took my son to his school’s fall fest this weekend and he got to hang out with his friend while I hung out with his friend’s mom.  We went to a surprise party and had a truly enjoyable night with the neighbors.  I got to go shopping this morning while my husband went out with the neighbors.  I took my son to lunch, we worked on his homework.  And I got time to write.  There is still good in every day.  No matter what happened or what will happen, there is still good right now.  My heart is beating and there is a reason for that.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Surviving Anew

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“She survived because the fire inside of her burned brighter than the fire around her,” anonymous.  I love this quote in the context of both being the light and allowing our energy/purpose to burn away what no longer serves.  Echoing becoming a beacon of light for others, I’m using this quote to suggest we learn to follow our own light and become so strong that one day we hold that light and then stronger still to emanate that light from our being.  If you have any belief in vibration, frequency, sacred geometry or the like, this is where it begins.  As we turn away from the things that bring us pain and toward the things that bring us joy, we get in touch with our natural vibration and that expresses as light.  When we vibrate at a low energy frequency, we are dim, literally and figuratively.  We need to remember to harness the universal power we were given and brought into this world holding. 

In The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, the final portion of the book explains what happens to cultures who harness and utilize their vibration for good: the become so high frequency they are no longer visible on the tangible plane.  They become energy.  Now, I’m not using this to suggest we all ascend so high we are no longer in the physical realm, but I use the example to share that vibration and energy go beyond what we simply feel.  It starts that way like everything else but it escalates to a way of being.  I believe life is a dance and there are many songs and depending on what we tune into is what we get.  We have a physical body with an etheric soul and I do believe we are meant to utilize both in this world.  There are no accidents, namely in our design.  We are magnetic in this world, and the world itself is magnetic.  We respond to resonances and tones instantly.  We have energy that needs to be expelled that just happens to match that of the universe.  I know, this is definitely a different approach to what we’ve discussed before.

The idea is we can decide to rise above the self-inflicted flames of this world in the form of the judgement of others and learn to honor the fire within.  We do that by honoring who we are and allowing our purpose to manifest in the physical reality.  As we spoke about yesterday in regards to responsibility, it means facing our demons and letting go of all fears to be willing to simply show ourselves in our true form.  It also means remembering that we DO have a purpose here and we are meant to do more than survive.  We are meant to thrive.  Our ancestors did the hard work for us and the fact that any one of us is here is a miracle.  The fact that we have access to share messages like this in the world now is beyond any realm of thought people had.  The development of a communicable language across all people is miraculous enough and now we have technology to share it broader than ever before.  That is no coincidence—and ironically noticing those coincidences and knowing that there are no coincidences sets us up to see where they come from.

So as a first step to surviving the fires in the world, honor the coincidences (this is also a Redfield premise).  Look at where they are taking you and learn to interpret them as what they are: directors on the path.  The more we get in touch with that, the more we allow our natural state to shine through.  It all goes back to that idea of allowing who we really are to come through.  Our natural state, our actual state, our purpose.  We’ve been taught for so long to fear the light inside of us.  I think that we were trained to dim that light for the sake of others.  But we are all being called now to share it with the world.  The world needs a higher state of mind.  Not more stimuli, but more connection and exposure to who we really are.  We can survive and thrive and move forward through knowing ourselves.  Through doing what we are meant to do.  We will survive because we are that source of light and we will show people the way. 

Success and Responsibility

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“To be responsible keep your promises to others.  To be successful, keep your promises to yourself,” Marie Forleo.  This one sent off all kinds of bells in my head.  I wanted to piggy back it off of yesterday’s post because we are working on defining the premise of success.  It flows well because if you find what feels good for you as we spoke about yesterday, you are guaranteed to flow in that arena and you can only go up.  The goal is to fill your cup so much it fills others.  Then they do the same.  I agree there needs to be a certain level of social responsibility but I do feel it’s more important to be responsible to ourselves first because we’ve spent so many years essentially manipulating for power and energy from others that our relationships are twisted versions of what they are supposed to be—all of them.  Humans are social creatures and we need each other but we’ve learned over time to take what we need from each other rather than nurture each other.  We are trained early on to behave a certain way in certain circumstances and that distorts our vision of who we are and who others are.  We learn to play a game and wear masks.  It’s all orchestrated to fulfill the need of the system.   

I don’t want to be responsible to a system, especially one that doesn’t benefit the greater good.  I would much rather spend my time developing myself and others to bring out our greatest gifts.  When it comes to responsibility, there is a big distinction in responsibility to and for others.   I detest the premise of being responsible for others.  With the exception of children who need guidance and protection, we are not responsible for what other people say/do/think/feel.  And we are certainly not responsible for managing those emotions.  We may be responsible for putting things in context to a degree as that’s part of communication (I struggle with intentionally controversial people who stir things only to play victim).  But when it comes to being responsible TO someone, that’s different.  There are elements in a relationship of any kind that we are responsible for.  We make promises to people and we need to keep those or communicate alternate plans if things don’t work out.  We also need to be socially responsible when it comes to things like driving, economics, the environment, authentic/honest education, etc. because our actions impact everyone. 

We have an opportunity to follow what Dr. Angelou said in the quote I shared yesterday: like ourselves, like what we do and how we do it.  As I just mentioned, everything we do impacts others—we do not operate in a bubble and this is where people get confused.  They think that bubble surrounds only them or they think that the bubble will burst over everyone.  And while there is a ripple we put out in the world, it’s not so extreme as the butterfly effect may suggest, however, it is enough to watch what we do.  Imagine a world where we are sharing nothing but positive images and the best versions of ourselves (and the curated, fake images, we share don’t count).  Everyone would step up.  I think we need to shift our focus from needed attention to deciding what our gifts are.  We need to shift our focus from solely making money to figuring out how to re-value what we have and what our purpose is.  The truth is regardless of what our purpose is, our purpose is to share that.

The world needs what we have to share and we find that by following our joy, not our inherited or perceived obligations.  That means being disciplined with yourself and following through on your actions, especially the things you want to do. The things that light you up.  It means facing your demons whether they are things that scare you or things that get in your way or the things that happened to you and no longer allowing them to control you or your actions.  Most importantly, it means owning up to the responsibility to be yourself and share that with the world.  Yes, that can be scary because we aren’t meant to be everyone’s cup of tea for every person.  We have to be comfortable knowing that what we share will find the right people and help those who need it and it will encourage others to step into themselves as well.  I’m suggesting that there comes a point when you need to step out of your comfort zone and take responsibility for yourself and getting your message out.  The only responsibility we need to hold for others is the promise to be yourself and to share what we have.           

Success Is…

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“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it,” Maya Angelou.  This is a little reminder to keep true to yourself.  As we work on changing and upgrading our mindset, it becomes more and more important to interact with our true selves and learn what we want/need.  We need to trade the ideas of what we thought we needed for what we actually need and we also need to redefine what success means and looks like.  We need to start considering what it feels like.  If you’re miserable sitting in your mansion, then that level of arguable monetary success means nothing.  It’s a false symbol of success because it is taking something from you rather than contributing to you and your purpose.  Real success looks and feels good.  It’s about the freedom to live your life how you want to live it and how freely you are able to share and contribute your gift.  More importantly, it’s about feeling good doing what you do.  We’ve been trained to forget that.

Most of our time is spent doing things on other people’s behalf whether it is working for a corporation, taking care of our families, meeting social obligations that stretch our dollars, and trying to keep up appearances with those around us.  I’m telling you now, if you don’t like any facet of that, it’s a waste of time.  You can never find your purpose, your calling if you are putting on airs and being something you’re not.  You aren’t living your purpose if you’re living for someone else’s validation or to their expectations.  This requires deep work and the ability to let go of what others tell you to do.  It requires knowing what you need and the strength to see that through.  It also requires blinders and ear plugs because others will try to pull you back in at all costs. 

Finding yourself and honoring who that is can be a lonely and even stressful path in the beginning.  The people we love and who we thought supported us come out as only supporting the version of ourselves that served them.  There are people who simply won’t understand these new parts of you.  But in order to move forward, you need to put that aside and step into the authentic version of you.  All of this starts with what we talked about yesterday—recognizing stressors in our life and getting rid of it.  I’m not talking about the positive stressors in life such as overcoming the obstacles toward reaching a goal we are actively seeking.  I’m talking about the distress, the stress that drains us and feels heavy.  The things we want to avoid but feel we have to attend or are responsible for. 

So going back to what success looks like.  I’m learning as I do more research and practice more in my own life, that it isn’t so much about look.  It’s about feel.  Quite simply it’s about what feels good to us and yes, I’m talking about physically feeling good as well as mentally.  No one can tell you what that means to you.  You have to be in touch with yourself enough to know what that means to you.  Some people find joy in running, others find joy in reading, others find joy in meditation or gardening.  The key is what brings you that joy—that’s an indicator it’s something that feels good.  The other key is asking yourself what task do you take on willingly that absorbs you, that excites you, that doesn’t feel like work no matter how much you do it.  Those are good indicators those are things that fulfill your purpose and you should continue to steward your life in that direction.  When you can say you’re proud of what you’ve done and you are content with what you did and how you got there, then you’re a success.

Stress is (Making Us) Stupid

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“Stress is making us sick, stupid, and slow,” Emily Fletcher.  What better way to add to our discussion on anxiety than to talk the actual science for a minute.  On a basic level the body is in constant flux with different chemicals (hormones) being released from specific organs and flooding the brain which then interprets what’s happening.  Stress is no exception.  We have a very real, physical reaction when it comes to the things we feel and this is why different self-help guides talk about the importance of emotional control.  Beyond the social component of maintaining composure, there is the physical element of protecting your mind and body so you can determine what is actually happening around you versus your perception of it. 

The human mind and body are not designed to function under constant stress and in an age of 24/7 stimulation and drive, we are lowering our capacity for patience, broader outlook, and our health.  We have so firmly engrained the pattern of constant connectivity in the last two decades that people can’t be without their phones, TVs, tablets, computers—any source of “connection”.  While we’ve closed the distance around the world, we’ve created a gorge in connection—connection with those present, connection with nature, connection with spirit, connection with ourselves.  We’ve taken a beautiful tool, a luxury, and have idolatrized it into necessity.  We’ve created such importance around it that we’ve lost sight of what’s right in front of us.  We’ve willingly injected the electronic addiction into our lives.  Again, I’m not saying that we don’t need it—we absolutely do.  But our interpretation of HOW we need it and HOW we use it have greatly skewed. 

Additionally, we have the addiction of approval, the addiction of belief, the addiction of pleasing, the addiction of fulfillment of a specific dream.  “Addiction is defined as a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences.  People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences,”  And yes, any one of the behaviors listed above can be addictive.  We have found an external source of stimuli and validation and we feel we need it.  We feel there is no other way.  People can even be addicted to stress.  The rush they get from constantly being needed or constantly being on the move.  But what is it doing to our minds and bodies?  Cue Emily Fletcher.

So while we feel these things are necessary and we use them to satiate things like anxiety and depression (even though it only adds to anxious and depressive thoughts), they are taking their toll on us mentally and physically.  We lose reaction time and the ability to process information.  Stress hormones put extra strain on our bodies through weight gain (cortisol) and over production of the adrenals (adrenaline).  Too much of those things in your body leads to issues with the thyroid, the pituitary, the heart, the lungs, and the brain—and that is only an example from two hormones.  It has an impact on reproductive hormones and muscular response as well.  EVERYTHING is connected.  Spending too much time in anything can prove detrimental to us, and again, stress is no exception. 

The overall key here is to not allow yourself to fall into these patterns and that means paying attention to recognize when you are leaning toward stress over presence.  Check in often.  So many of us (myself included) waste too much time finding ways to stress ourselves out.  We do things that don’t light us up because we are under the impression we have to.  We misalign with our true purpose and trade it for what we think we need.  I’m not talking about being uncomfortable or trying new things, I’m talking about repeating the same pattern continually in spite of knowing it isn’t what is needed.  Please don’t discount the impact that has on your entire body. When you feel stress, pause and ask what your body is telling you.  Don’t allow it to overwhelm, but hear what it has to say and then align with your center.  It takes tremendous courage to break those habits and get out of the routine we think is normal.  We need to stand up for ourselves and do what works for us.  Disconnect with the rush of the world and center in who you are.  You will feel better immediately.

Summary and Premise of Anxiety

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I’ve shared so much about my experience with anxiety and it is something I’ve faced my entire life and I still face it.  I’ve learned that talking through it is incredibly helpful.  We are not alone by any means.  When I came across these quotes, I felt a sense of peace with this new perspective.  It makes so much sense.  Notice that as we’ve gone through these posts, we’ve discussed over and over again the friction of anxiety.  What is friction?  It’s opposing energies, creating heat and discomfort and expansion in areas that can’t hold it.  Friction in general hurts—We know what it feels like when something is too tight or when it isn’t moving properly.  When we don’t have space we feel choked—and we all know nothing grows when it’s choked.  If I really think of my anxiety and the pressure I felt in these terms, it was the discomfort of trying to make everything fit in my life.  It was trying to be in multiple places at once, putting too much stuff in a small space.  The anxiety was caused by not accepting what IS, always wanting to be somewhere else. In essence, we are always in opposing worlds and we always have something in conflict with our knowing or our needs.  We tell those things to be quiet because we have other things we believe we need to do.

Simply put, conflict causes anxiety.  Conflict between what we know and what we feel and what we are told we are supposed to do.  Conflict between doing what is right for us versus what is right for others.  Conflict between temporary disappointment and long term gain.  Everything we think should be a certain way and the reality of how it is.  Expectation causes conflict.  As soon as something doesn’t turn out exactly as we think it should, we feel let down.  We need to start looking at creating harmony in the mind.  And that happens when we accept the reality of what is.  Putting pressure on ourselves to be something else or be somewhere else in our journey doesn’t work.  If we aren’t there, we aren’t there and allowing the frustration or anger to develop into anxiety isn’t going to change that position. 

I’m looking at these quotes every day now.  The moments I feel the anxiety creeping in, I ask what friction is there in that moment.  I’m asking what needs to change to allow me to be where I am.  And if I really can’t tolerate where I’m at, how can I step toward where I need to be.  Over and over again I’m reminding myself that this is my life, this is my one shot and I can’t afford to waste time hoping for someone’s approval or permission to do what I want to do.  I don’t have time for conflict.  I don’t have time to guess what someone else wants or to make myself palatable or acceptable to anyone anymore.  I want to help people and if I’m not your flavor, then there is someone else who is.  That is the grand reckoning with anxiety: accepting yourself sometimes means others won’t.  And the peace of that is you don’t need their acceptance anyway.  Don’t create conflict in your life for the peace of someone who doesn’t even know you. 

I hope this series has allowed some new perspective specifically in that regard.  You aren’t here for anyone else’s convenience or peace or to make them feel a certain way about you.  You are here to love yourself wholly and put your talents to use for the good of all.  Your talent as it is, is enough and it is needed because the ripple effect it creates allows space for others to do the same.  Remember who you are.  Don’t allow anxiety to lie to you any longer.  Break it down to its simplest pieces and become who you are meant to be.  Take one step at a time and look at what is causing the anxiety in the moment.  If you can answer that, you can break free.  Listen to that guidance system—remember.    

Anxiety and the Heart


“Sometimes anxiety is the friction caused by your heart saying, ‘I need you to stop holding back.  I’m ready to open up again,’” Xavier Dagba.  This is my favorite piece.  This is the last piece of the puzzle.  All the things you’ve used to protect yourself for all of those years, all the proving, all the worry, all the fighting can lay in ash around you as you become exactly who you are. This is when you rise up from the ash of what you’ve allowed to burn.   All of that requires an immense opening and allowing for the universe to enter us.  It’s the allowing of who we are to be reflected back to the world.  We aren’t meant to be caged.  We aren’t here to perform for others.  We aren’t here to put on the same show that has been playing for millennia.  We are here with our own intuition, values, love, creativity, hope and all of that needs to be shared with the world.  The heart doesn’t want to be closed.  It doesn’t operate under constriction.  It operates with flow and excitement.  So allow yourself to hear and feel the beat: that is purpose.

Learning to give over to it and follow what it’s telling you is all we are meant to do.  We are born worthy.  We don’t need to prove anything.  Again, that isn’t a lesson we are taught.  We are shown that we need to be accepted in order to move forward.  We are shown that we all have to be the same because that is safe and normal.  We are taught to pull our punches because someone else may be more deserving than we are and we certainly can’t shine our full light on the world because it’s too bright.  We’ve been taught to dim everything, so when the slightest beacon shines through, it’s too much for us.  Ironically we are naturally drawn to people showing their best selves, their authentic selves.  Who doesn’t watch some type of rags to riches reality/competition show?  So why do we hide our own authenticity?  Even if that best version isn’t what the world is ready for, it’s about how you feel.  The world will eventually catch up.

All our innate nature wants is full expression.  Our purpose wants to be fulfilled.  We want to feel happy doing what we are meant to do—we are literally drawn to it every day.  When we depress that portion of ourselves, we feel…you guessed it….depressed.  We learn to be happy by listening to our hearts and souls and learning to trust what it’s telling us.  Let it out.  Don’t hold anything back.  When you don’t allow your full expression to release, it’s like driving a car with your foot on the gas and the brake at the same time.  You’ll keep moving, but you’re going to wear out quickly and you will never find the right rhythm.  You will never find the flow.  Here is the greatest secret we were never taught: there is no need to hold yourself back. It is that simple and that difficult.  For those who feel others are too much, I am sorry you don’t feel enough love and security for yourself to express that same level of self.  Let’s work on that.

We are born with a beautiful guidance system between our heart, our mind, our nerves, and our soul.  All the information we need for our journey is there including what we are meant to do and how to navigate what doesn’t feel right as well as what does.  We are here to remember that guidance system.  As I get in touch with mine and learn to hear exactly what it’s saying, I’m amazed how willingly we give it up.  I mean, I know as a child I practically slashed it to bits in favor of listening to those around me.  I craved freedom to do what I wanted as a reward for doing exactly as I was told.  I kept waiting and waiting for the results I wanted to come—and they never did.  It hasn’t been until very recently and well into adulthood that my eyes opened to the possibility I could take control of my destiny.  And I realized that those people “guiding” me didn’t have the same interests, heart, or goals that I did.  I could no longer prioritize their goals over my own and no one was coming to help me with what I wanted to do. 

It actually was subtle for me at first.  I began to get frustrated repeating the same day over and over.  Then bored.  Then annoyed.  Then angry because no matter what I did to break things up, it was still always the same thing.  Then I started doing some work and looking at my conditioning.  I began to make space for the things I enjoyed doing—and I’m still finding ways to make more time for those things.  It has only recently been that things are taking off and that is because My heart began to SCREAM that it didn’t want to be held back anymore and my soul joined in.  The more I didn’t do what I wanted to do, the more uncomfortable and anxious I felt, and based on what I was reading, I remembered my nature and knew this was distinctly what was described: I wasn’t allowing myself to be who I was meant to be.  So I make efforts every day to get a little bit closer. This is a journey and I know I will continue to find ways to get closer to myself every day until the day comes I am fully me.  Listen to your heart and get closer to who you’re meant to be.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for honesty and understanding.  I have goals that I’m working diligently to achieve and to some, it may look like a hobby.  But I’m serious about seeing these things through.  Today as I sat and worked on some projects I have for the upcoming week, my husband asked if I wanted him to leave the room.  Normally I say no because I enjoy sitting and talking with him in my office in the morning.  But I know the more I allow my work to be treated as a hobby, the more people are going to look at it as a hobby.  So I agreed and told him this is a super creative time for me and I like to get my thoughts down early in the morning.  He didn’t take any offense to it and he let me get some work done.    

Today I am grateful for clarity and planning the future.  I’ve always been a control freak—and yes we could go into the deep seated psychological issues with it, but it’s a matter of misguided direction in getting what I want/fulfilling my purpose.  With that, it is also an attempt at controlling the wrong things, and the focus on the issue being off.  There comes a time when you’re working toward a goal that you need to remember your focus.  Take your hands off the wheel of the external bs that you have 0 control over and turn inward.  That is where you can take your steps and exert your control.  You have 100% control over the mind and your reactions and how to navigate this life.  You have no say in how others do the same.  So if there is something you want, let go of the attempt to control outside circumstances and work on yourself.

Today I am grateful for connection to self.  I’ve spent the last year working on huge projects.  I’m absolutely blessed to be part of it and I am thrilled to have the opportunity to bring this to my family.  That doesn’t change that it has been a ton of work and it’s exhausting.  In order to get the things we want we have to know where we’re going and I’ve had to make some difficult choices and sacrifices over the last year.  Now as I’m seeing where I’ve made progress (and where I haven’t), I know I need to make some additional choices.  I need to work in a way that functions with my life and my family and find a way to make things work and that means spending time in a way that is conducive to both worlds.  I’m learning to say no where I need to and I’m learning to say yes to what feels right.  That has been a challenge for me because I feel guilty and like I’m letting people down.  But there are times I have to and I can say I’ve been on more than not, so I’m taking a breather for myself.

Today I am grateful for life.  My son lost his first tooth today and I’m dealing with the passing of time—again.  But I am so grateful to be able to witness it and I am thrilled he is growing on a healthy track and becoming such a grown up.  I struggle that he is my only child so all of these firsts are also the last—I spoke about that a few weeks ago when he started school.  We can never guarantee how much time we have and it is so important to be in the moment and appreciate what we have while we have it.  Life is a gift and that is a gross over simplification of the magic we are allowed to partake in while we are here.  We are all living, breathing, miracles and it pains me to think of the time that is gone but I am beyond grateful for what we have coming. 

Today I am grateful for some peace of mind and communication.  I’ve struggled the last few weeks with what to do—what to do with work, my relationships, my career, my family, where I see myself, defining how I want to impact and help people.  I’ve blamed my husband because of his lack of vision and his lack of commitment to what he wants the future to look like.  I’ve blamed myself for thinking we need to repeat the same patterns and being so demanding of answers from everyone.  I’ve blamed being impatient and indecisive.  Overall, I’ve just been crab-tastic.  But today, I sat with my husband and clearly told him how important it is for me that we develop a vision of what we want for our future.  We can’t continue aiming blindly and hoping it will hit something we like.  While we hardly scratched the surface, it felt good to communicate and share the importance of the decision we have to make and the actions. 

Today I am grateful for presence.  With the struggles I’ve mentioned above, being crabby, getting emotional about time again, and frustrated with lack of clarity, I realized the importance of slowing down and getting my bearings.  It’s advice I’ve often shared here.  And it is important to take the time to figure out where you’re at so you can determine where you’re going.  That requires diligence, honesty, and awareness of self.  It means paying attention to how you’re feeling.  Today I took the time to figure that out.  I knew I needed clarity, I knew I needed to stop blaming others, and I knew that I needed to find the discipline within myself to commit to what I want.  I needed to come back to my body and hear what I actually needed: movement, rest, and self-care.  I just needed to get out of my head and de-escalate from the constant state of doing and needed a deep breath and some patience to HEAR instead of talk.   

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Anxiety and Knowing

Photo by Abdel Rahman Abu Baker on

“Sometimes anxiety is the friction caused by your unwillingness to surrender to the knowingness of your heart,” Xavier Dagba.  This one gave me pause for a minute.  Trying to find the distinction between the knowingness of the heart and your intuition or your values is such a fine line.  Because the knowingness of your heart is exactly where intuition and value come from.  But I realized the key in this phrasing is the “unwillingness to surrender.”  As animals we are taught to constantly fight.  We are primed for it all the time whether it is defending our opinions or fighting for our children.  We are taught to be on guard all the time.  We are also grossly misinformed about surrender.  We look at the word and immediately assume it means give in.  Ego doesn’t take that well because ego likes to be right.  We also don’t take it well because that means giving up on what we think we’re obligated to defend.  Who knows, maybe that’s ego too. 

I’m not a fan of surrender.  I’m definitely guilty of the, “I got this,” syndrome only to find myself drowning more often than not.  I’m also guilty of the desire to prove that I can handle anything.  I hate when people see me and assume I’m physically weak, or because I look younger than I am that I’m actually younger than I am.  So I find myself trying to prove something every day and it’s become such a habit at this point that it’s engrained.  I do it without even realizing it.  But as I’m getting older, and I’m taking the time to listen to my heart more, and to trust my intuition more, I’m slowly letting go of the idea that other people’s opinions matter.  Of course I KNOW that, but my mind hasn’t caught up with it yet.  So.  For those reasons, I struggle to let go and just do what works for me because I don’t want people to think I’m a certain way.  But I had to ask myself what happens when I allow myself to fully embrace who I am?  That’s when the magic happens. 

When we give into who we really are and embrace our path, that is a form of surrender.  When we give up the façade of who we were taught to be and become who we are, that is surrender.  When we decide to listen and ACT on what we know, the full power of who we are is unleashed and shared with the world.  And we have to remember that just because things don’t go the way we want them to, that doesn’t mean something better isn’t in the works.  It also doesn’t mean that we won’t eventually get what we want.  Sometimes we just take the long way.  Gabby Bernstein says that surrender isn’t giving up, it’s giving over.  It’s giving over to the idea that there is another way.  It’s giving over to the idea that things are possible even when we can’t see them.  It’s giving over to the idea that we don’t know best and in some circumstances we aren’t meant to.  The times our plans align creates flow.  When they don’t align, we can choose to fight it or we can choose to go with it.

Don’t confuse what your heart KNOWS with what your mind knows.  Our mind works on perception and interpretation.  It can lie to us.  It can create false beliefs if we let it.  Our heart works on intuition and connection with spirit/universe/the divine etc.  So when we learn to listen to our heart, we are learning to hear what the universe has to say.  That can’t be wrong.  All of our training isn’t designed to serve us, it’s designed to serve the system.  So who benefits from you not listening to your own soul?  Everyone else.  This life is about service, not necessarily sacrifice.  It’s about supplying your gift to the world and creating light and hope.  It’s not about giving up who you are in order to say you did what you were told.  We are meant to create and in order to do that we need our connection with the divine.  It’s ok to give in.  It’s ok to surrender.  It isn’t weak.  It often takes the greatest strength to step into who you are.  The more practice you have with listening to your knowing and aligning with your integrity, the easier it is to surrender and give over to your heart.  The answers are always there—we just need to clear the air to hear them.