Today I am infinitely grateful for peace. After a lifetime of roller-coastering between feeling like I got this and feeling like the world is ending, I’m not naïve enough to believe that I’m through with the ups and downs. That is the natural course of things. But today, the changing of the season, the beauty of life, being in the moment, seeing life as something that isn’t heavy felt freeing in a way I’ve experienced only a few times. Being myself, witnessing myself, including myself in where I was felt amazing. Honoring what I wanted to do in the moment highlighted the connection I’ve been yearning for—what I need more of. The weight lifted. And the fear of enjoying the good while it’s here evaporated. That is life. It’s all around us. And it’s up to us to engage.
Today I am grateful for witnessing life. My niece’s family came over today and we watched the boys play. Spending time with family and seeing the unconditional love of youth, the fearlessness to be who they are, the unrestrained looking for joy (and the unguarded audacity to experience it) snapped me into reality. Life is about presence and there is nothing like seeing little ones to remind us what that means. They feel, they express, they move on and they repeat. There is no dwelling. All of the concern I see in my child comes from me. That is nothing more than learned behavior. Seeing him today in all of his four-year-oldness made me realize I don’t want to pass this burden on to him. It’s time for me to learn a few lessons from him.
Today I am grateful to put the attention outside. I’ve lived my life thinking that I had to bear the burden of my concerns, my mindset all on my own and I’ve seen over and over again how reaching out to others helps in those times. Not that I don’t do that, but more often than not the underlying fear of not having my needs met takes over and I don’t always reach out as I should. But I put a stop to that. I have a few friends who are also going through some challenging times and I stopped my bullshit and reached out. I checked on them and make sure THEY were ok. I reached out to family as well and took the attention outside of myself. That funk we put ourselves in is something we can get out of.
Today I’m grateful for remembering power. I’ve gotten myself to a crossroads many times before and I’ve turned around. I’ve repeated patterns and complained about not getting results. Life doesn’t work that way. I preach it all the time but I have this fear of following what I know is right for me. That goes back to the security and safety I’ve been looking for. There are no guarantees in life and there is no way to know that even playing it safe will be safe. Jim Carrey said, “You can fail at doing what you don’t like so you might as well go after what you love.” So now I can look at what I need to do differently. It’s on me.
Today I’m grateful for reminders to do things one at a time. I saw a video today about a guy’s friends asking him where he had been and they were saying that he doesn’t go out much anymore. He replied that he was taking care of himself. I realized that I’d rather disappear and come back a better version of who I am rather than disappearing and not addressing what makes me this fragile mess. I’m stronger than that. So I think it’s time to simply prioritize. I can want to do all the things that get me where I’m envisioning—and I CAN do them. But in order to do that successfully, it has to be one step at a time. Then build from there. That’s how life works: build the foundation and then build ON the foundation.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.