Today I am grateful for a kick in the ass.  I had a tough conversation with my mentor yesterday about some things that have been happening in my life lately and I will go into more detail about that later this week.  I really struggled with what she was telling me because I’ve put myself in the position of being right in this situation.  She agreed that I was right but she also pointed out how that didn’t matter.  There comes a point where what we want and what we hope to get out of something turns into control rather than any sort of validation.  I’ve been looking for validation, I’ve been looking for people to tell me I’m right in this situation and I’ve been looking for them to approach this other person the same way they approach me: tell them they are wrong and they need to wake up and make some changes.  I’m tired of being responsible for changing the trajectory of my life because others can’t get it together.  And, again, my mentor pointed out it’s irrelevant because we can only control ourselves.  I’m not happy about it, but I see the validity of what she said and it does feel different.

Today I am grateful for letting go.  Adding to the kick in the ass mentioned above, my mentor also offered some much needed advice in the form of letting go.  I’ve been so focused on multiple goals and outcomes that I’ve lost sight of my connection with here and now.  There is a need for setting goals and working toward them and it pays to aim high, that isn’t the point.  When we get so wound up and have multiple foci and we try to keep the external factors to 0, that is control.  We think we can pull the strings to get results and that everyone and everything will play along so we yield the outcome we were hoping for.  That isn’t life.  Regardless of that, the value of connecting with the present goes out the window.  So my mentor told me to leave my phone at home and take my son to a festival we had at his school.  She told me to let go of tomorrow and be there today and that my presence, taking pictures with a real camera would show others how present we can be.  She was right.

Today I am grateful for the deep work.  Part of healing means going dark—literally going to the dark side of the depths of the things we aren’t even sure we remember but mainly the things we do.  It means getting to the roots of what causes us to control and to seek safety in knowing every detail.  I’m grateful to work through these things because there are many deep seated issues that manifest in unexpected ways.  There can be a real present day cause of anxiety or whatever symptoms you/we have, but that present cause is still a trigger linked to what happened previously.  So if there is concern around money now, what previously led you to the feeling of lack?  If there is anger around equitable division of work, hat previously led you to feeling taken advantage of?  It really is about the deeper questions.

Today I’m grateful for healing.  The storm hasn’t entirely passed, not by a long shot.  There is a lot of work to come regarding what happened over this last week.  There is emotional damage that will leave its mark for a long time and things feel a little empty now.  A little hollow.  I’ve resorted to a few old habits for the sake of comfort, and I’ve learned that I do need to be a little bit gentler with myself at this time.  I took on too much and spread too thin and now I need to ease up the pace and focus.  I really thought I could handle it al.  Not so much.  But I am grateful for the questions and the reframing and looking at why I felt the need to do all of that in the first place.  I’m grateful to understand the context of letting go and forgiveness.  It puts ownership of our lives firmly in our court.

Today I’m grateful for the ability to spoil myself…within reason.  I mentioned there were some habits I fell back on and one of them is a mild retail therapy.  I’m so grateful that I was able to afford stepping out today with my son and doing some shopping.  Finding a few pieces to make myself feel better.  And also something to look forward to.  I went to a really dark place this week, not knowing what would happen in my life within the next second let alone the future.  I haven’t done that kind of shopping in a while and I know I shouldn’t do it again for a bit, but it felt like a release and another way to be a bit more gentle with myself.  To take a step back, maybe into an old habit, but also with a different outlook on the purpose.  It wasn’t about numbing and creating more of an issue for myself down the line.  It was about giving myself some grace to be human and enjoy the moment and know that I will recover in the end.  Context, intent, and purpose make all the difference. 

Today I am grateful for fun.  I’m grateful that in the midst of all the craziness, we were still able to have some fun this weekend.  I took my son to his school’s fall fest this weekend and he got to hang out with his friend while I hung out with his friend’s mom.  We went to a surprise party and had a truly enjoyable night with the neighbors.  I got to go shopping this morning while my husband went out with the neighbors.  I took my son to lunch, we worked on his homework.  And I got time to write.  There is still good in every day.  No matter what happened or what will happen, there is still good right now.  My heart is beating and there is a reason for that.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Photo by Andre Furtado on Pexels.com

I wonder about the nature of signs from the universe.  I’ve been asking for a long time for signs about what I’m supposed to do.  Yesterday I was planning on finding a way to leave work early today.  This morning I had the immediate feeling of not wanting to go in (more detail below).

Today started at 1:30AM with my husband getting sick.  Full on stomach evacuation from both ends.  My kid promptly crawled into bed and had to be moved back.  We woke up a few hours later and got ready for the day.  We got in the car and literally 2 blocks later, my kid had an AR attack and got sick all over himself.  Not a huge deal, I turned around and we went back home, I got him upstairs and changed him.  We got back in the car and we were about 10 miles further down the road when he had another attack.  This time I turned around and lost it on my husband—he had already not been feeling well so he should have stayed home.  Meanwhile kiddo is still getting sick and I’m trying to figure out what to do with work.

I am starting to see that the universe definitely puts you on the path that shows you who you are.  It isn’t up to me to reject the lesson just because it isn’t what I thought it would look like.  This morning for example, I know that the universe was telling me I need to focus on my family and take care of us.  But I felt immediate frustration because the plan for the day was to work, get done, and come home.  Perhaps the universe was telling me to forget work entirely.  Not unsurprising given my talk of joy and play the other day.  The universe is telling me to let go.

I remember as a child that my mother always put work first.  And I completely understand why: she needed to work.  I didn’t want to do that to my child and here I was smack in the middle of him needing me and I was still trying to get to work.  Now this is a sticky situation for me because I value my career and I need to bring in that income.  It makes me feel resentful that I am always the one who has to be flexible and to sacrifice the work I need to do in order to take care of the family.  At the same time I want to be able to have the freedom to help my family.

Perhaps this is one of those in-between moments where I have to realize that just because this doesn’t look how I want it to, I am still living the life I wanted.  I am able to work from home and take care of my kid even if it wasn’t the type of work I planned.  Perhaps I wasn’t specific enough.

The one thing that is clear is that I need to slow down.  That is the hardest thing in the world for me.  I feel so sensitive and like I’m being pulled in a million directions and my mind is always moving.  And I HATE stopping for anything.  I feel the need to keep moving.  Ironically, the Super Attractor deck was telling me, “In stillness I receive.”  I guess that is where I will leave it—learning to be still.

Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

I’ve been in a cyclical funk over the last few weeks–constantly up and down, not really happy, not really sad.  Just an overall discontent.  Today, I literally felt myself completely snap out of it.  I’ve always listened to a lot of self-help and have read a lot of self-help books as well, but for whatever reason, it just HIT me today.  All the lessons, all the repetition of mantras and affirmations, all the explanations of self-worth just clicked.

I worked on a ton of creative projects at work today.  It was appropriate because after listening to the chakra series about DOING yesterday, I dove right in and felt so much of my creativity unlock.  A contract that I had been waiting for came through so I felt like I was finally able to move forward with so many of the projects that have just been stagnant.  Taking that action literally felt like a wave had been unleashed.  That power made me feel unstoppable.  I felt myself immediately saying that this is the state that I want to be in all the time.

I happened to see a picture of some known celestial bodies.  I’ve always loved looking at images like that so this one in particular caught my eye.  It was an image comparing the size of these celestial bodies, the smallest of which was the sun.  Thinking of the fact that the sun can fit something like 1.3 million Earths in it and that the sun looked like an atom in these photos stopped me in my tracks.  Some of the bodies in this image were billions of times bigger.  That sense of smallness actually made me feel more connected than I had in a long time.  It made me feel that there is no reason to hold back.  There is no reason to fear anything.

This world is about having fun and in the cosmic scale of things, this is small potatoes.  It made me realize that I can absolutely go for anything I decide.  It is my decision to let my fears impact me and hold me back and it is also my decision to push those fears aside and move forward with what feels right.  I feel like when there are such powerful moments of clarity like that, you have to listen.  I also feel like that breakthrough is a sign I am absolutely on the right path.  To realize that the universe is big enough to handle whatever ideas I throw at it is extremely comforting.  To realize that my mistakes are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things helps me keep perspective.

There’s no reason to not enjoy the here and now.  I am grateful for every moment.  There’s no reason to not go for the biggest dreams we can think of.  Who knows what magic waits for us on the other side of fear.  All it takes is waking up from our trance and realizing we have the power to connect at ANY time and to hear the universe’s message–that little voice that says “Go for it.”

Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

Today was one of those days where no matter what happened, my brain was locked in a funk.  Everything felt off, my timing felt off, and I just felt generally grumpy.  Not a good place to be.  Even on the ride home, I still felt like crap and every little thing about the ride irritated me.

So, trying some new practices, I listened to my body.  The first thing I felt was hunger.  So I shared a banana with my kid and ate some sunflower seeds in the car.  Immediately, I felt calmer.  Not necessarily better, but I definitely felt calmer.  I don’t know if it’s the time change messing with my mind more than usual, but I normally don’t get hungry that early.  Regardless of the reason, that is what my body was feeling at the moment.

When I got home, I ate the dinner that my husband had ready for me.  Thank god for my man knowing me so well after 18 years—sometimes he knows me better than I know myself.  Felt even better.  I drank a ton of water too.  I didn’t overeat (I did have some candy—hey, I’m still human) and the water helped rehydrate me.

After eating, I knew the next thing I had to do was take care of myself.  I told my husband I was going to take a shower so I did just that.  I showered in really warm water, took the time to really clean my hair, condition my hair, and wash my body.  I trimmed and cleaned my nails, and then totally made myself feel better by using one of my favorite lotions.

Once I was done with that, I put away laundry.  It felt really good to organize and clean and put away piles of clothes that were cluttering space.  Just doing one thing toward organizing my home made me feel like I accomplished something.

Finally, I watched a video about opening chakras.  The subject is something that piqued my interest and I took it as a sign that it showed up on my feed tonight.  Learning the signs of how I could be blocking my chakras opened my eyes to how I’m blocking the flow of a lot of things in my life.  Even with all the work I’ve been doing, I’m STILL getting in my own way!!  I’m grateful for that lesson because it goes to show that learning is a never ending thing and self-improvement takes a lot of practice.  It was yet another reminder about letting go, trusting the natural flow of life, and just going with it.  Sometimes it’s about giving up control and responding to what is happening right in front of you.

My plan for the rest of the night is to read a little, brush my teeth, rest well, and wake up ready for tomorrow.  It’s a new day and I’d like to start it by opening my mind to the possibilities rather than with a set list of what I have to do.  Keep the reminders coming about staying aware of my physical triggers, and responding from a place of authenticity.  And most importantly, just taking things one step at a time.

Photo by Jillian Morkan on Pexels.com

On Halloween, I feel like this is an appropriate topic.  I’m not talking about the fact that my son told me he saw a ghost in his room the other night…  I’m talking about the demons in our minds.  The vices we can’t leave behind, the past we continue reliving, the habits, the arguments, the ego.  I’m talking about the dark that goes with the light.

We all have dark and light in us and it is what we choose to focus on that matters;  it is what we focus on that will grow and flourish.  The human soul has capacity to live limitlessly.  It is our own constraints that hinder us and that is also part of the shadow side.  I feel myself going to war with this shadow side nearly every day lately.  Even as I write words to help people realize they aren’t alone, I am often fighting that very battle.  I read my horoscope today and it talked about coming home to the core of my being and confronting the ghosts and demons of my past.  It advised acknowledging and listening to them and understanding them. This reminds me of a Buddhist practice of understanding that which challenges us rather than fight it.  Taking the time to listen rather than beat whatever the issue is into submission.  Sometimes that means realizing that it isn’t an issue in the first place.

I am sure I’m not the only one to feel like they have more demons than most and when faced with the idea of confronting them it is more than a little daunting.  I have beaten myself up nearly my entire life on an endless track of repeating the mistakes I’ve made.  I’ve created this monster in my head that constantly reminds me of every misstep, every social miscue, every blunder, every bomb out.  It makes me feel like I’m living my life in a state of 20/20 review all the time.  I’m an expert in what I should have done after the fact.  And then I beat myself up that I don’t have the opportunity to correct whatever faux pas or infraction I did.  I mean, I literally still think about things from 30 years ago and feel it as if it just happened.

Needless to say the thought of being alone with that makes me a little twitchy.  But after reading that horoscope, I find myself curious as to what the dark side would say.  I can’t say for sure if that is something I will be ready to share for a while, but I think in the spirit of figuring that out in order to achieve what I am working on, it would be worth it to see what it needs and why it has been sticking around for so long.  Embrace the dark within the light.  Accept that it is part of me and stop causing damage to myself by punishing that small part of who I am.

As today is Halloween, it is also the ancient festival of Samhain.  It is the beginning of winter—the harvest is complete.  It is time to go within and replenish and restore.  Perhaps this season is a season of repair for the soul as well.  A time to listen to the guidance within and make peace with who I am.   I am grateful for this day and the opportunity to befriend all parts of me.  Happy Halloween…

Today I thought a lot about the intentions we send to the universe.  Stay with me on this one…I had a discussion with my husband today and we ended up fighting about his intentions around picking up our son.  When he told me that he was running behind at work (again) my automatic thought was, “He’s just avoiding picking up our son.  He doesn’t want to spend time with him.  He only wants to do what he wants to do right now.”  After the conversation ended, I realized that I was not thinking correctly.  And THAT made me think about the intentions I was sending to the universe.

My first instinct was one of mistrust, anger, fear, and frustration.  It was a message of mistrust overall, not just about not trusting my husband’s motives.  I found myself in the self-pity loop of, “I’m not getting support, I feel alone in this, I feel like I’m never meant to have time for myself to move forward on my projects.”  That was sending a message of defeat and failure and overall smallness to the universe.  I also had the underlying thoughts of “I’m a doormat, I’m tired of getting our son ready in the morning, getting myself ready, feeding the animals, driving him to my mom’s house, working all day, picking him up, taking care of the animals, then working on my projects while still caring for my son.”  Such a negative thought pattern—and it only took me seconds to feel that.

I paused and I realized that I didn’t want to think about my life in those terms any longer because I am in the process of working on something so much bigger.  That requires open and positive thinking—big thinking.  Believing that my husband had control over the situation at work and that he was intentionally pushing me beyond what I had the capacity to do (and quite frankly what I’m tired of doing) meant that I was accepting a subservient role and that I was allowing myself to be manipulated.  He didn’t want to do it so I HAD to pick up our son.  In the sprit of self-awareness, I had to shift that.

I put a check on my thinking and spun it to the truth:  maybe there’s a reason I’m meant to pick up my son every day and fight rush hour traffic home.  I want more time with my child, and this is giving me the opportunity to spend more time with him.  We get to talk and sing in the car and I wouldn’t have that if I didn’t pick him up (he’s too tired to sing in the morning haha!).  I get to see my parents.  My son gets more time with his grandparents and his grand parents get to see him longer.  I know these moments are fleeting and they go way too fast.  I feel like I blinked and he’s almost 3.  So while I had envisioned time with my son as more walks, more story time, more crafts, more everything, even if we are sitting in rush hour together, we are together.

So I had to let go.  This wasn’t about my husband manipulating me and it wasn’t about the universe punishing me by making me sit an extra 20 minutes in traffic.  This was the universe giving me what I asked for.  It’s just in a different way.  My ego often gets in the way and I admit that sometimes I feel like the universe is just telling me my way isn’t good enough (so of course I react—I’m working on it).  I’m tired of being uncomfortable and I find myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations but that can be a sign of transition.  It’s also uncomfortable not seeing what I’m transitioning into.  But if I’m asking to be a more patient person, a more dedicated mother, a kinder, less rushed individual, I guess I have to admit that I’m learning those skills.  It’s hard for me to not see the “why” in these situations—like why people can’t do the speed limit hahaha!—but it doesn’t matter.  I’ve asked for something and the universe is delivering.

While it may be challenging, I can now ask, “What am I being molded into?”  I’ve asked for help being the person I’m meant to be.  Maybe this is making me be who I’m meant to be.  We don’t grow in our comfort zones.  I’ve asked for and I’ve initiated change.  I can look at this as exciting evidence that I am getting exactly what I need to do what I am meant to do.  So many people fail to look at the opportunities right in front of them because they are disguised as something they don’t think they want.  Sometimes the things we don’t want to do are the exact things we need.  So smile at the perceived setbacks and uncomfortable moments and just enjoy the ride.  It will get you exactly where you’re meant to be in the end.