Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for a kick in the ass.  I had a tough conversation with my mentor yesterday about some things that have been happening in my life lately and I will go into more detail about that later this week.  I really struggled with what she was telling me because I’ve put myself in the position of being right in this situation.  She agreed that I was right but she also pointed out how that didn’t matter.  There comes a point where what we want and what we hope to get out of something turns into control rather than any sort of validation.  I’ve been looking for validation, I’ve been looking for people to tell me I’m right in this situation and I’ve been looking for them to approach this other person the same way they approach me: tell them they are wrong and they need to wake up and make some changes.  I’m tired of being responsible for changing the trajectory of my life because others can’t get it together.  And, again, my mentor pointed out it’s irrelevant because we can only control ourselves.  I’m not happy about it, but I see the validity of what she said and it does feel different.

Today I am grateful for letting go.  Adding to the kick in the ass mentioned above, my mentor also offered some much needed advice in the form of letting go.  I’ve been so focused on multiple goals and outcomes that I’ve lost sight of my connection with here and now.  There is a need for setting goals and working toward them and it pays to aim high, that isn’t the point.  When we get so wound up and have multiple foci and we try to keep the external factors to 0, that is control.  We think we can pull the strings to get results and that everyone and everything will play along so we yield the outcome we were hoping for.  That isn’t life.  Regardless of that, the value of connecting with the present goes out the window.  So my mentor told me to leave my phone at home and take my son to a festival we had at his school.  She told me to let go of tomorrow and be there today and that my presence, taking pictures with a real camera would show others how present we can be.  She was right.

Today I am grateful for the deep work.  Part of healing means going dark—literally going to the dark side of the depths of the things we aren’t even sure we remember but mainly the things we do.  It means getting to the roots of what causes us to control and to seek safety in knowing every detail.  I’m grateful to work through these things because there are many deep seated issues that manifest in unexpected ways.  There can be a real present day cause of anxiety or whatever symptoms you/we have, but that present cause is still a trigger linked to what happened previously.  So if there is concern around money now, what previously led you to the feeling of lack?  If there is anger around equitable division of work, hat previously led you to feeling taken advantage of?  It really is about the deeper questions.

Today I’m grateful for healing.  The storm hasn’t entirely passed, not by a long shot.  There is a lot of work to come regarding what happened over this last week.  There is emotional damage that will leave its mark for a long time and things feel a little empty now.  A little hollow.  I’ve resorted to a few old habits for the sake of comfort, and I’ve learned that I do need to be a little bit gentler with myself at this time.  I took on too much and spread too thin and now I need to ease up the pace and focus.  I really thought I could handle it al.  Not so much.  But I am grateful for the questions and the reframing and looking at why I felt the need to do all of that in the first place.  I’m grateful to understand the context of letting go and forgiveness.  It puts ownership of our lives firmly in our court.

Today I’m grateful for the ability to spoil myself…within reason.  I mentioned there were some habits I fell back on and one of them is a mild retail therapy.  I’m so grateful that I was able to afford stepping out today with my son and doing some shopping.  Finding a few pieces to make myself feel better.  And also something to look forward to.  I went to a really dark place this week, not knowing what would happen in my life within the next second let alone the future.  I haven’t done that kind of shopping in a while and I know I shouldn’t do it again for a bit, but it felt like a release and another way to be a bit more gentle with myself.  To take a step back, maybe into an old habit, but also with a different outlook on the purpose.  It wasn’t about numbing and creating more of an issue for myself down the line.  It was about giving myself some grace to be human and enjoy the moment and know that I will recover in the end.  Context, intent, and purpose make all the difference. 

Today I am grateful for fun.  I’m grateful that in the midst of all the craziness, we were still able to have some fun this weekend.  I took my son to his school’s fall fest this weekend and he got to hang out with his friend while I hung out with his friend’s mom.  We went to a surprise party and had a truly enjoyable night with the neighbors.  I got to go shopping this morning while my husband went out with the neighbors.  I took my son to lunch, we worked on his homework.  And I got time to write.  There is still good in every day.  No matter what happened or what will happen, there is still good right now.  My heart is beating and there is a reason for that.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

A Little Pause and a Big Reminder

My energy is a little erratic tonight.  I wanted to continue the discussion from yesterday about steps to take to embrace our humanity and I had an entire article written but I believe part of embracing humanity is recognizing when a message is coming through.  And tonight this message is loud and clear. 

I’ve been in a state of “not enough” for a few days now.  I feel like I’m not doing enough.  My attention is pulled in a million directions with work, my side projects, reorganizing my home, changing my home around, raising a toddler, and five animals to take care of.  So not only do I feel like I’m not doing enough, I know I’m not doing enough of what I want to be doing.  If I’m really honest, I’m not 100% sure what that is at this moment.

We all have our highs and lows and this is a downsweep for me right now.  I know this is about breaking the pattern.  The truth is I also feel really motivated but I’m just not sure for what.  Maybe it’s a hormonal ambivalence.  I love this feeling because it is raw potential but I feel like no action I take right now is going to be enough.

In the spirit of taking care of ourselves in small ways, I wanted to make the conscious choice to accept where I am.  So instead of spending hours lamenting how I feel and that I’m not doing enough or that I’m not progressing, I took action.  I cleaned the kitchen and organized under the sink.  I put together some puzzles with my kid.  I started writing.  So the feeling isn’t completely gone, but I do feel better.  The energy isn’t so stagnant. 

I know that any steps I take tonight, no matter how small, are steps.  Sometimes they just take a little more effort.  Scattered energy isn’t productive energy because it is just movement—it isn’t action.  But energy that feels like it takes more effort doesn’t make it non-productive.  Accept it, do what you can, and move on.  Tonight I’m going to call it early, relax, and start again tomorrow.     

Fun on Purpose Part Two

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I wonder about the nature of signs from the universe.  I’ve been asking for a long time for signs about what I’m supposed to do.  Yesterday I was planning on finding a way to leave work early today.  This morning I had the immediate feeling of not wanting to go in (more detail below).

Today started at 1:30AM with my husband getting sick.  Full on stomach evacuation from both ends.  My kid promptly crawled into bed and had to be moved back.  We woke up a few hours later and got ready for the day.  We got in the car and literally 2 blocks later, my kid had an AR attack and got sick all over himself.  Not a huge deal, I turned around and we went back home, I got him upstairs and changed him.  We got back in the car and we were about 10 miles further down the road when he had another attack.  This time I turned around and lost it on my husband—he had already not been feeling well so he should have stayed home.  Meanwhile kiddo is still getting sick and I’m trying to figure out what to do with work.

I am starting to see that the universe definitely puts you on the path that shows you who you are.  It isn’t up to me to reject the lesson just because it isn’t what I thought it would look like.  This morning for example, I know that the universe was telling me I need to focus on my family and take care of us.  But I felt immediate frustration because the plan for the day was to work, get done, and come home.  Perhaps the universe was telling me to forget work entirely.  Not unsurprising given my talk of joy and play the other day.  The universe is telling me to let go.

I remember as a child that my mother always put work first.  And I completely understand why: she needed to work.  I didn’t want to do that to my child and here I was smack in the middle of him needing me and I was still trying to get to work.  Now this is a sticky situation for me because I value my career and I need to bring in that income.  It makes me feel resentful that I am always the one who has to be flexible and to sacrifice the work I need to do in order to take care of the family.  At the same time I want to be able to have the freedom to help my family.

Perhaps this is one of those in-between moments where I have to realize that just because this doesn’t look how I want it to, I am still living the life I wanted.  I am able to work from home and take care of my kid even if it wasn’t the type of work I planned.  Perhaps I wasn’t specific enough.

The one thing that is clear is that I need to slow down.  That is the hardest thing in the world for me.  I feel so sensitive and like I’m being pulled in a million directions and my mind is always moving.  And I HATE stopping for anything.  I feel the need to keep moving.  Ironically, the Super Attractor deck was telling me, “In stillness I receive.”  I guess that is where I will leave it—learning to be still.

Catching Up On the Last Week

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Hi All.  I wanted to take a minute tonight to talk about where I’ve been the last week.  First, I’ve been working my way through B-School and it is INTENSE.  The program is amazing but it is making me evaluate everything I thought I knew and the next steps at every turn so it is a lot of work.  Then it was an incredibly busy week.  I had a system go live at my 9-5 that took up a ton of time last weekend and through Monday and Tuesday.  As I was going through testing on Tuesday for the go live, my throat began hurting.  I’ve had a history of sore throat issues my entire life so this was nothing new for me but it was definitely painful.  When I woke up on Wednesday I had a fever and I could barely swallow.  I made my husband take my son out of the house and then I went to a fast clinic and stayed home and then was dead to the world.  I tried to go to work on Thursday but I couldn’t talk and I only made it an hour.  Then I woke up on Friday and my son was getting sick as well so I tried to work on Friday and I got through about a half day.  Even though I felt a little better by Friday, I was exhausted.  And my kid needed me.

Work continued and I saw my colleagues pulling together because we are dealing with some urgent situations right now.  I felt completely guilty for not participating and I felt out of my element because I would always make every effort to participate but I simply couldn’t.  I was literally a forced stop.  And I am incredibly grateful for it.

See, with me being sick, with the world falling into chaos right now, I think we all have to re-evaluate where we’re at and what we’re doing.  The forced state of working from home and the ability to still get things done has proven that we can shift things and how we function.  This has proven that not only is it possible, it is necessary now.  We can do things we didn’t think were possible before and if we allow ourselves to adapt and do things differently, then we will surprise ourselves with what we can come up with next.

The general sense, for me, right now is a pause.  We need to just take a break.  Taking a break is sometimes the necessary thing to do.  It’s only when we’re not jumping from thing to thing and we stop keeping ourselves constantly busy that we can see what’s around us.  Yet again, a situation where I haven’t practiced what I preached until I couldn’t do anything but pause, but I’m learning.  And it truly is a beautiful thing.  What a gift for all of us to be able to see a different way of doing things.

There are many systemic changes that need to happen and none of it would happen if we weren’t forced to take this pause.  Because from this terrible situation we see that we can’t move forward as we were.  I have felt this stirring in me for some time as I’m sure many of you have.  After all, that’s why we’re here—we’ve agreed and felt the call for something more.  Truthfully I never anticipated it would come from a pandemic. I had hoped our consciousness would be strong enough to encourage us to reach out for more and the change would come naturally.  Regardless of the catalyst, the day is here.  We are at the precipice of what comes next.  We can either move forward as we were before or we can recognize that it’s time to change.  And believe me, I feel in my heart that there are far more people crying for change even if their voices haven’t been heard yet, than those who want to stay the course.

I pray we recover and that we do better.  I pray we recover and decide to change.  I pray we recover and heal.  I pray we recover and release our fears.  I pray we recover and recognize the value of community.  I pray we recover and recognize the value of time again.  I pray we recover and recognize that outdated systems that no longer serve the majority are at their end—and that we peacefully agree to put them to bed.

Change isn’t a bad thing.  It’s a necessary thing, it’s part of life, and it is constant.  This is a circumstance we have been avoiding for too many years because we’ve been placated with things and distractions and now, given a global health crisis, we are being forced to take that next step.  We have the opportunity to find the common ground in a global community.  So, really, what a gift this is.  It may be wrapped in a terrifying package right now, and we are on shaky ground because we don’t know what the next step looks like.  But we have the chance to make something beautiful out of this.  More than anything, I pray that we choose to do so.

Take this time and enjoy.  Put away the things that distract you and spend time with those closest to you.  Don’t look at this as a negative thing—look at this as doing your part.  Look at is as the chance to tap into your creativity again.  To connect again with the things and people you love and to connect with yourself again.  Sometimes you don’t realize how disconnected you’ve been until you see how much “busy” you’ve put in your life.  So pause.  We will get through this no matter what it looks like on the other side.

And I’d like to add a personal side note: If you don’t have to go out, don’t.  In all seriousness, as someone in the healthcare industry for nearly 20 years, we need to flatten the curve to give our hospitals the best chance to logistically help us through this.  It won’t do anyone any good to have ill healthcare workers and minimal supplies when this reaches its peak.  Please respect your neighbors, yourselves, and your community enough to not spread this disease any more than necessary.  I realize how guilty I was of this as I attempted to go in twice this week—and I will never do it again.  Even though my situation isn’t Covid-19, the same applies.  When you’re sick, stay home.  Your body needs it and will thank you—and so will your co-workers.  What a beautiful act of solidarity—simply taking care of oneself to take care of others.  How gorgeously radical.  😊

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for a warm house I can be cozy in.  Winter in all of its glory has hit and I am truly grateful to have a home I can curl up in and keep my family safe.  I know many others are dealing with issues that prevent them from having that type of security and I do not take it for granted.

Today I am grateful for time away from my 9-5.  In all honesty, I enjoy my job.  But I know that over the last few weeks I haven’t been able to focus as well as I should have because I have other things on my mind.  I’m not sure what happened precisely (except a LARGE amount of journaling and posting) but I feel like I’ve made some progress over the last few days and have been able to let go of some of the pressure I’ve been feeling.

Today I am grateful to begin shedding the emotional weight I’ve been carrying.  So much of what I’ve been talking about over the last few days are things that I’ve held onto for many years.  I didn’t realize how tight the cage I created was until I began experimenting with putting some of it away and leaving other parts of it behind.

Today I am grateful for silly things and family time.  We were able to buy some different textured putties and some games today and it was awesome.  I got to play with my son and it honestly relieved some stress.  Completely worth the few bucks to bring a smile to my son’s face and to bring out some play for me.  There is value in going back to basics sometimes and it doesn’t require a lot to have fun.  We definitely can’t be all work and no play.  There is so much value in play, creatively and emotionally—and value emotionally FROM being creative.

Today I am grateful for rest.  I used to feel like I had to go and go ALL the time.  I viewed any down time as a waste of time.  Then I started thinking about the work I was doing and started questioning the value in it.  What use is all of that activity if it isn’t productive?  As I get closer and closer to defining what it is I’m working toward, I feel my body getting more and more relaxed, my mind is getting more and more relaxed.  I feel like this is what happens when you get into alignment.  You’re better able to go with the flow and look at what is really happening.

Today I am grateful to know where I stand with the people in my life.  There are things that I would like in my life and I know that I am not able to get them from certain relationships.  I also know that they are not responsible for the things I need so I have to get creative in looking for how I can meet my own needs.

Today I am grateful for reminders about self care and love.  I have struggled a lot in the last few weeks with constant questions about things I’ve done wrong and wondering why things aren’t working out how I had hoped.  I don’t mean just a little off, I mean in a different universe.  I’m trusting that they are working out for the best because I keep drawing the same card from my Super Attractor Deck—The universe is always conspiring to support me, guide me, and lead me compassionately toward the highest good.  Sometimes I have to remember that it isn’t about me and that things don’t always work out in my favor because there may be a greater need elsewhere.  With all of that being said, I know that it is important to practice patience, and to know that a plan not working out isn’t an indicator of lack of worth.  All I can do is breathe and take it one step at a time and remember to take the time to take care of me.


Taming Emotional Mind

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I haven’t been feeling very good lately.  How I feel on a given day feels a little like the roll of the dice.  Admittedly, I haven’t been taking care of myself like I should and I’ve definitely over-indulged with food over the last week—still enjoying the holiday 😊.  It only makes sense why I feel a little off.  I know I was left unsettled after this weekend with my husband and questioning what our future holds. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve spoken a lot over the last few months about going with what feels right.  I think I’m disappointed in myself because I’m not listening to my heart and I’m not admitting what I’m really feeling.  What I’m feeling is uncertainty and fear that things won’t turn out how I want them to.  I don’t want to admit that I’m afraid to let go of control because I don’t know what the future holds.

As I was thinking about these fears today, I came across a quote that talked about getting to the other side of fear.  It’s a long hard walk, and I know I have to do the work to get through.  Speaking about these things, no matter how much I believe in growth and change, does nothing without action.  And I’ve spoken about that too!  It seems I need to take my own advice and take some action.

I wish I had more support in creating this vision but I will not let that stop me.  Progress is good and it doesn’t matter how long it takes—as long as I keep moving.  Sometimes we need a reminder to keep going.  I know that the leaps I’ve made over the last few months have been scary to a lot of people.  They aren’t comfortable seeing me take this kind of authority in my life and, quite frankly, they don’t really like it.  So the reminder I needed was to know that I can do this.  As long as I continue on the path that works for me, I know the right people will find me.  This is not my final destination, it is a stepping stone.

Perhaps when others are uncomfortable with the successes we have (no matter how small) it says more of their character than yours.  If someone is uncomfortable with your success, you can ask whether or not they really belong in your life.  As painful as it may be, eliminating that kind of energy drain can be the very thing that unfurls your wings.  I think the lesson is to have faith in your own ability and to know that you will find your team once you find your authenticity.

We all get off track every now and then and it is ok to keep going.  For me, “going” means getting my eating habits back in line, hydrating, keeping myself rested, expressing my creativity, and keeping to my boundaries.  As the nature of the universe would have it, right as I’m trying to get myself back on track, Marie Forleo is conducting a new class on reviewing our previous accomplishments and preparing for the next decade.  This is something that I am going to be participating in and I will write about my progress here.  I’m excited because the first day is about reviewing what you are most proud of over the last 10 years as well as what you learned the most from.  There is a lot of material for me to go through but I’m excited to do the work.  If our ability to receive is measured by how much we practice feeling good things then it stands that to get rid of the melancholy of the last few days, I have to start feeling better.  I’m excited.


Sometimes It Just Clicks

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I’ve been in a cyclical funk over the last few weeks–constantly up and down, not really happy, not really sad.  Just an overall discontent.  Today, I literally felt myself completely snap out of it.  I’ve always listened to a lot of self-help and have read a lot of self-help books as well, but for whatever reason, it just HIT me today.  All the lessons, all the repetition of mantras and affirmations, all the explanations of self-worth just clicked.

I worked on a ton of creative projects at work today.  It was appropriate because after listening to the chakra series about DOING yesterday, I dove right in and felt so much of my creativity unlock.  A contract that I had been waiting for came through so I felt like I was finally able to move forward with so many of the projects that have just been stagnant.  Taking that action literally felt like a wave had been unleashed.  That power made me feel unstoppable.  I felt myself immediately saying that this is the state that I want to be in all the time.

I happened to see a picture of some known celestial bodies.  I’ve always loved looking at images like that so this one in particular caught my eye.  It was an image comparing the size of these celestial bodies, the smallest of which was the sun.  Thinking of the fact that the sun can fit something like 1.3 million Earths in it and that the sun looked like an atom in these photos stopped me in my tracks.  Some of the bodies in this image were billions of times bigger.  That sense of smallness actually made me feel more connected than I had in a long time.  It made me feel that there is no reason to hold back.  There is no reason to fear anything.

This world is about having fun and in the cosmic scale of things, this is small potatoes.  It made me realize that I can absolutely go for anything I decide.  It is my decision to let my fears impact me and hold me back and it is also my decision to push those fears aside and move forward with what feels right.  I feel like when there are such powerful moments of clarity like that, you have to listen.  I also feel like that breakthrough is a sign I am absolutely on the right path.  To realize that the universe is big enough to handle whatever ideas I throw at it is extremely comforting.  To realize that my mistakes are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things helps me keep perspective.

There’s no reason to not enjoy the here and now.  I am grateful for every moment.  There’s no reason to not go for the biggest dreams we can think of.  Who knows what magic waits for us on the other side of fear.  All it takes is waking up from our trance and realizing we have the power to connect at ANY time and to hear the universe’s message–that little voice that says “Go for it.”

Listening to What You Really Need

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Today was one of those days where no matter what happened, my brain was locked in a funk.  Everything felt off, my timing felt off, and I just felt generally grumpy.  Not a good place to be.  Even on the ride home, I still felt like crap and every little thing about the ride irritated me.

So, trying some new practices, I listened to my body.  The first thing I felt was hunger.  So I shared a banana with my kid and ate some sunflower seeds in the car.  Immediately, I felt calmer.  Not necessarily better, but I definitely felt calmer.  I don’t know if it’s the time change messing with my mind more than usual, but I normally don’t get hungry that early.  Regardless of the reason, that is what my body was feeling at the moment.

When I got home, I ate the dinner that my husband had ready for me.  Thank god for my man knowing me so well after 18 years—sometimes he knows me better than I know myself.  Felt even better.  I drank a ton of water too.  I didn’t overeat (I did have some candy—hey, I’m still human) and the water helped rehydrate me.

After eating, I knew the next thing I had to do was take care of myself.  I told my husband I was going to take a shower so I did just that.  I showered in really warm water, took the time to really clean my hair, condition my hair, and wash my body.  I trimmed and cleaned my nails, and then totally made myself feel better by using one of my favorite lotions.

Once I was done with that, I put away laundry.  It felt really good to organize and clean and put away piles of clothes that were cluttering space.  Just doing one thing toward organizing my home made me feel like I accomplished something.

Finally, I watched a video about opening chakras.  The subject is something that piqued my interest and I took it as a sign that it showed up on my feed tonight.  Learning the signs of how I could be blocking my chakras opened my eyes to how I’m blocking the flow of a lot of things in my life.  Even with all the work I’ve been doing, I’m STILL getting in my own way!!  I’m grateful for that lesson because it goes to show that learning is a never ending thing and self-improvement takes a lot of practice.  It was yet another reminder about letting go, trusting the natural flow of life, and just going with it.  Sometimes it’s about giving up control and responding to what is happening right in front of you.

My plan for the rest of the night is to read a little, brush my teeth, rest well, and wake up ready for tomorrow.  It’s a new day and I’d like to start it by opening my mind to the possibilities rather than with a set list of what I have to do.  Keep the reminders coming about staying aware of my physical triggers, and responding from a place of authenticity.  And most importantly, just taking things one step at a time.

Confronting Demons

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On Halloween, I feel like this is an appropriate topic.  I’m not talking about the fact that my son told me he saw a ghost in his room the other night…  I’m talking about the demons in our minds.  The vices we can’t leave behind, the past we continue reliving, the habits, the arguments, the ego.  I’m talking about the dark that goes with the light.

We all have dark and light in us and it is what we choose to focus on that matters;  it is what we focus on that will grow and flourish.  The human soul has capacity to live limitlessly.  It is our own constraints that hinder us and that is also part of the shadow side.  I feel myself going to war with this shadow side nearly every day lately.  Even as I write words to help people realize they aren’t alone, I am often fighting that very battle.  I read my horoscope today and it talked about coming home to the core of my being and confronting the ghosts and demons of my past.  It advised acknowledging and listening to them and understanding them. This reminds me of a Buddhist practice of understanding that which challenges us rather than fight it.  Taking the time to listen rather than beat whatever the issue is into submission.  Sometimes that means realizing that it isn’t an issue in the first place.

I am sure I’m not the only one to feel like they have more demons than most and when faced with the idea of confronting them it is more than a little daunting.  I have beaten myself up nearly my entire life on an endless track of repeating the mistakes I’ve made.  I’ve created this monster in my head that constantly reminds me of every misstep, every social miscue, every blunder, every bomb out.  It makes me feel like I’m living my life in a state of 20/20 review all the time.  I’m an expert in what I should have done after the fact.  And then I beat myself up that I don’t have the opportunity to correct whatever faux pas or infraction I did.  I mean, I literally still think about things from 30 years ago and feel it as if it just happened.

Needless to say the thought of being alone with that makes me a little twitchy.  But after reading that horoscope, I find myself curious as to what the dark side would say.  I can’t say for sure if that is something I will be ready to share for a while, but I think in the spirit of figuring that out in order to achieve what I am working on, it would be worth it to see what it needs and why it has been sticking around for so long.  Embrace the dark within the light.  Accept that it is part of me and stop causing damage to myself by punishing that small part of who I am.

As today is Halloween, it is also the ancient festival of Samhain.  It is the beginning of winter—the harvest is complete.  It is time to go within and replenish and restore.  Perhaps this season is a season of repair for the soul as well.  A time to listen to the guidance within and make peace with who I am.   I am grateful for this day and the opportunity to befriend all parts of me.  Happy Halloween…

Perspective Practice


Today I thought a lot about the intentions we send to the universe.  Stay with me on this one…I had a discussion with my husband today and we ended up fighting about his intentions around picking up our son.  When he told me that he was running behind at work (again) my automatic thought was, “He’s just avoiding picking up our son.  He doesn’t want to spend time with him.  He only wants to do what he wants to do right now.”  After the conversation ended, I realized that I was not thinking correctly.  And THAT made me think about the intentions I was sending to the universe.

My first instinct was one of mistrust, anger, fear, and frustration.  It was a message of mistrust overall, not just about not trusting my husband’s motives.  I found myself in the self-pity loop of, “I’m not getting support, I feel alone in this, I feel like I’m never meant to have time for myself to move forward on my projects.”  That was sending a message of defeat and failure and overall smallness to the universe.  I also had the underlying thoughts of “I’m a doormat, I’m tired of getting our son ready in the morning, getting myself ready, feeding the animals, driving him to my mom’s house, working all day, picking him up, taking care of the animals, then working on my projects while still caring for my son.”  Such a negative thought pattern—and it only took me seconds to feel that.

I paused and I realized that I didn’t want to think about my life in those terms any longer because I am in the process of working on something so much bigger.  That requires open and positive thinking—big thinking.  Believing that my husband had control over the situation at work and that he was intentionally pushing me beyond what I had the capacity to do (and quite frankly what I’m tired of doing) meant that I was accepting a subservient role and that I was allowing myself to be manipulated.  He didn’t want to do it so I HAD to pick up our son.  In the sprit of self-awareness, I had to shift that.

I put a check on my thinking and spun it to the truth:  maybe there’s a reason I’m meant to pick up my son every day and fight rush hour traffic home.  I want more time with my child, and this is giving me the opportunity to spend more time with him.  We get to talk and sing in the car and I wouldn’t have that if I didn’t pick him up (he’s too tired to sing in the morning haha!).  I get to see my parents.  My son gets more time with his grandparents and his grand parents get to see him longer.  I know these moments are fleeting and they go way too fast.  I feel like I blinked and he’s almost 3.  So while I had envisioned time with my son as more walks, more story time, more crafts, more everything, even if we are sitting in rush hour together, we are together.

So I had to let go.  This wasn’t about my husband manipulating me and it wasn’t about the universe punishing me by making me sit an extra 20 minutes in traffic.  This was the universe giving me what I asked for.  It’s just in a different way.  My ego often gets in the way and I admit that sometimes I feel like the universe is just telling me my way isn’t good enough (so of course I react—I’m working on it).  I’m tired of being uncomfortable and I find myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations but that can be a sign of transition.  It’s also uncomfortable not seeing what I’m transitioning into.  But if I’m asking to be a more patient person, a more dedicated mother, a kinder, less rushed individual, I guess I have to admit that I’m learning those skills.  It’s hard for me to not see the “why” in these situations—like why people can’t do the speed limit hahaha!—but it doesn’t matter.  I’ve asked for something and the universe is delivering.

While it may be challenging, I can now ask, “What am I being molded into?”  I’ve asked for help being the person I’m meant to be.  Maybe this is making me be who I’m meant to be.  We don’t grow in our comfort zones.  I’ve asked for and I’ve initiated change.  I can look at this as exciting evidence that I am getting exactly what I need to do what I am meant to do.  So many people fail to look at the opportunities right in front of them because they are disguised as something they don’t think they want.  Sometimes the things we don’t want to do are the exact things we need.  So smile at the perceived setbacks and uncomfortable moments and just enjoy the ride.  It will get you exactly where you’re meant to be in the end.