Live With Fervor

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Bukowski says, “We’re all going to die.  All of us.  What a circus!  That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t.  We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities.  We are eaten up by NOTHING.”  I love this quote.  The truth of it is so simple and so stark but it is just that: TRUTH.  We are all given on precious, beautiful life.  Think about the things we waste our time on in a given day.  The fights, the emails, the gossip.  We let the need to consume and obtain and possess devour us and rob us of what life is really about: living.

To live is to be open to the possibilities and to create.  It is to dance with the song of our days and get in touch with the inner desires.  It is to kindle the flame of the inner voice that says “Go, do THAT!”  We live every day—a single lifetime with a million possibilities strung out in a series of days.  Knowing there is a finite number of those days should be enough to make us question why we would spend a second doing anything we don’t love.

The other aspect of living is something we really struggle with: connection.  It is plain to see that humans are social creatures.  But we are taught that we need to conform to the social norm in order to be accepted so we spend more time comparing and criticizing than we do relishing the flavors of people that cross our paths.  The lessons we need to learn are more than just acceptance.  Acceptance is absolutely the first step.  We need to know that it is perfectly ok and totally normal to be different from one another.  Then we need to celebrate those differences.  I’m not talking about the kind of hype where everyone gets a trophy.  I’m talking about truly developing that which makes each of us unique.

Ironically it is in celebrating the uniqueness of every individual that we understand what connection is.  Rather than teaching how differences divide us, it is important to focus on how differences can bring us together.  There is an inherent need between people to fulfill what each of us lacks.  We rely on each other.  I spoke in an earlier piece about the primal brain and it comes up here again.  There was a time when someone who didn’t fit the mold was a liability and would cause someone else to get killed.  It caused us to panic and to learn to conform.  We no longer need to function from that state of mind.

What are the things that keep you up?  What are the things that hold you back?  What trivialities eat you up?  Those are the aspects that you need to heal.  Those are the fears you need to release.  In the end we all end up in the same place so we have a choice to make: spend your life living someone else’s expectations or open up to the joy and take the chance to live your live exactly as you want to.

A Thanksgiving Message

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Today is a day that has been mired throughout history.  I wish to reclaim it for what the intent is: a day of thanks and gratitude.  A day of sharing and love.  Of togetherness and joy.  I feel so incredibly fortunate to have spent this day with my family enjoying our time together and eating delicious food, sharing memories and expressing our happiness.  It was truly a day of remembering the reasons we all came together in the first place and letting all of the nonsense pass.

I feel doubly blessed because after an amazing afternoon with family, we were able to spend our evening with our friends as well.  Laughter filled the room as we had conversation, watched the kids play, and ate some more 😊.  I consider my family incredibly blessed to have so many loving people to share the day with and to have had the opportunity to have made so many memories.  I feel blessed to be able to express the love I feel to so many people.  I feel even more blessed to share these events with my son and to teach him what life is really about.

One last blessing that I feel unbelievably grateful for today is the ability to share these gifts as a little reminder to whomever reads this message.  It’s a reminder that we move forward and heal with the small things.  Too often we are caught up with looking for the big goal that we disregard the moments in front of us.  It is so important to cherish each moment we are given because the big moments all come from the momentum of the small moments.  We don’t get where we are going without being where we are right now.  It is the action that comes from our present sense of self that creates the future we are looking for.

So on this Thanksgiving day, enjoy.  Love.  Appreciate what you have.  Love the family you were born with or the family you made or the family you adopted or the family that took you in.  Love where you are.  Love where you are going.  Love everything that is what you are.  Be grateful for it all.  If you can’t be grateful for what you have, be grateful for what you are building.  Remember that there is always more to be grateful for than there is to be bitter about.  Today is a day to focus on the blessings whether they are big or small.  Count them all and be happy.  Happy Thanksgiving, all.

Faith, Worth, Purpose

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I’m not a particularly religious person but that isn’t to say that I don’t have faith.  In fact, I have a very strong faith.  But the following quote hit me right where I needed it to; “God does not say, ‘First be good then you can experience me;’  God says, ‘Experience me within yourself, and your life will be an expression of all that is good.’”  Dean Jackson.  Many of us are taught that we need to attain a certain level of worth in order to do the things we enjoy doing.  We are taught that life is meant to be a struggle in order to prove our worthiness.  As we shed the layers of a paradigm that no longer suits us, this inherent message we are all taught no longer resonates.  We feel the discordant hum pulling us further and further off key.

The new message that the world is slowly waking up to is that we are inherently good.  We are born worthy of the lives we desire and that can look different for everyone.  There isn’t one answer for living life—we are all given a different role to play and our only job is to play that to the best of our ability and to work on leveling up as often as we can.  Our job is to fulfill our purpose.

If we look at this as a simple problem of numbers, it doesn’t make any sense that nearly 8 billion people would be expected to run the same exact path and fulfill the exact same purpose.  There simply aren’t enough of the same resources for us to be required to do the same thing and achieve the same goals.  There is a reason we are not only born diverse, but have diverse tastes and interests.  We have unique talents and abilities.  Why in the universe would we be expected to ignore that which is within us in order to be the same thing?  That would be like expecting the cardinal to roar as a lion.  It doesn’t even make sense.

We all have a unique message and it is important to share that message.  We are ALL born with the ability to express ourselves.  It is our societal norms that teach us to quiet down and play it safe and to question our abilities.  It is our system that forces the same message down all of our throats.  It is our basal instinct that teaches us to blend and hide and question ourselves and forces us to mock those that are different.  Our primal brain still remembers a time when those who were different were culled from the herd.  It is our job to heal ALL of those messages and let our voices ring loud.

The key to all of this is to know that there is nothing we have to prove.  We are worthy.  We have immense power and dimming that light won’t make anyone else’s shine brighter—it will create a suppressed volcano inside of ourselves.  Let that out, express everything you can, and be true to who you are.  The universe needs you to create that orbit to balance things out.  The universe wouldn’t put you here for no reason.  You have to remind yourself of your ability and your purpose.  The things that call to you call to others as well—let your light shine and be the spark for someone else.  The stars don’t dim when another begins to shine.

What is Our True Nature?

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This is going to be a short one today—I just had a quick general thought that I wanted to muse on for a bit.  Today I pulled “When I’m in a state of appreciation I’m in vibrational alignment with my true love nature” from my Super Attractor deck.  It made me start thinking about alignment in general and what it really means to connect with our desired vibrational state.  We have more power over our day to day thoughts and the path we choose to take than we think we do.

In general we have allowed ourselves to be distracted by the million and one things we think we have to accomplish, the things that we are told to do, the things that aren’t really our focus or what we desire for ourselves.  The simple answer to this is to slow down.  Now I’m not saying that we don’t all have to do things to get by—we all need to pay the bills—but if we look at our bigger motives for why we do things, many of us would realize that aren’t doing what is best for us.

When we slow down and give ourselves the opportunity to be honest about our motives, we give ourselves the opportunity to redirect our lives.  The universe operates on vibration and frequency and in order to get the things we really need in our lives, the things that will bring us closer to fulfilling our purpose, we need to tune in to that level.

This is why it’s so important to figure out what it is that we really need in our lives.  It’s important to dive through all the mud and layers (I will dive more into that in a few posts) and cut out all of the interference from outside sources.  The answers we need are truly inside of us.  If we want to discover our true nature then all we need to do is get quiet and listen.  Hear the vibration of who we really are and follow that to what makes us happy.

A Prophetic Dream and The Big Picture

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“The power inside of you is greater than any power that’s trying to stop you” Marie Forleo.  This was the first thing I saw this morning after I had a beautiful dream last night.  I know it was about a new project I want to work on and I kept hearing myself saying, “I will succeed.”  It was the first time that such a positive dream woke me up from a dead sleep.  I felt myself smile because I can say it was also the first time that I honestly believed it as well.

I’m enjoying my life and I’ve learned that happiness comes not only from within, but from how we act on the things that bring us happiness.  We can’t sit and wait for the next time something comes around to make us happy, we need to embrace the moment and enjoy it.  All we have is this moment—so make the most of it.  I want to spend my time doing what is going to make me happy.  I want to do what I enjoy and that means creating and sharing what I love.  I feel this is a highly prodigious time.

I once saw a message along the lines of how you feel in your life being more important than how it looks.  When you answer the call of how you feel and walk the path that is meant for you, your soul ignites.  You awaken.  As cheesy as it sounds, I personally feel like my whole being has transitioned into this person that unashamed and unafraid screams “I am” and “I want.”  Before I never would have been able to articulate what it was I wanted because I felt like I wasn’t allowed to want those things.  I believed in scarcity, that if someone else got what I wanted that there wasn’t enough left for me.  But as I grow more and more comfortable with my voice and naming the things I need, I feel like I am entering a new phase: a phase of knowing that no matter what transpires, everything is ok.  All is how it is supposed to be.

As I continue to learn to do better, I am shedding long dead traditions and welcoming the new into my life.  I was never broken.  I believed a lie—a lot of lies. Once you realize what you can do with your wild, glorious, precious, untamed life, you never want to play by someone else’s rules.  For me, I’m learning that I don’t want to play anything.  I’m looking for straightforward and honesty in my life.  There is no need to complicate things.  Embracing my identity, honoring my unique gifts and developing those rather than lamenting what someone else has, has been the greatest gift.  I have realized how rich life is with what I was given.

I am feeling my way to my truth and that means letting go of the grudges I was taught to hold and to the expectation of how things should be.  I welcome healing and I love myself through the lessons no matter what they reveal.  I don’t want to be stuck in the mud of what once was or the fear and guilt that I’m not doing enough.  I don’t want to get trapped in the belief that I have to earn happiness.  It is there for the claiming and I know that is what I want–and I am worthy of it.  I want to get dirty making the life that I want a reality.  What do you want to start doing?

Sunday (Monday) Gratitude :)

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Today I am grateful for progress.  I’ve been guilty of holding on to too many things, physically and emotionally for my entire life.  I’ve held onto the emotional in hopes that things would be different or that people would realize their “errors” and apologize.  I’ve held onto physical things in hopes of having use for the items once again and in an effort to relive past happy events.  My husband and I have been working our way through our house for weeks now and I am finally seeing the result of our efforts.  It has been a lot of work (entirely of our own creation) but it is so comforting as we eliminate and purge and organize.

Today I am grateful for opening possibilities.  As we cleanse and let go of the things that no longer serve, I feel so many things opening up.  It is truly cathartic to let go of the excess.  The excess weight, the burden, the chaos.  Getting rid of those things makes me feel lighter and more able to adapt and move to the new paths opening up.

Today I am grateful for recognizing paths I do want to take.  Going through a lifetime of things and prioritizing what we want to keep makes decisions easier.  I have spent so much time holding onto what once was in an effort to keep possibilities open, but I have learned that sometimes it’s easier to let go of what isn’t serving you in the moment.  That can offer the clarity of what you need, and what you want to focus on.  It can take you right where you want to go.  All you have to do is let go.

Today I am grateful for health.  We’ve been feeling a bit under the weather this weekend but it seemed to pass quickly.  Even though it was a mild cold, it was enough to knock us out for all of Saturday and render it useless.  We were able to get moving today and it felt good.

Today I am grateful for the week coming up.  It’s not just because it’s Thanksgiving week, it’s about what it stands for.  I have never subscribed to the traditional history of Thanksgiving on a personal level, but I have always taken it to heart.  At its core, it’s about gratitude.  It’s as simple as that.  If you’re thankful for something, share that message.  It doesn’t have to be anything big, just the act of sharing something that makes you happy is infectious.  We need more reminders today about what there is to be grateful for—because there is a heck of a lot more to be grateful for than there is to be angry about.

Today I am grateful to be me.  This year, I feel like I am becoming more of who I am and I am no longer afraid to share who that is.  There is no reason to hide any of who we are. There is no reason to be afraid.  It’s time to enjoy the ride.

Change and Feeling Good

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When we teach ourselves bad habits, including negative self-talk, it can take a long time to break that habit.  We have to convince our minds that the things we tell ourselves, things that we have often repeated on auto-pilot for years, are in fact, not true.  That we have been lying to ourselves.  We are all worthy of feeling good.  It can take our minds a little while to transition to the mindset that we have power to choose to feel good—and to accept that it is ok.  Once you do, you never want to go back.

I had a conversation with a co-worker today about the distracted brain and she mentioned something she had read stating, “Our ancient minds can’t keep up with modern technology.” (Gazzaly/Rosen).  Without going into detail with the discussion, I took the comment at face value.  At first I agreed, fully believing that we are too distracted for our own good and that we don’t multi-task nearly as well as we think we do.  Then I agreed on the premise that we move too fast in general without understanding what we are doing.  As we continued to discuss, another thought popped into my head: it’s not our minds that are the problem, it’s the patterns we allow to continue.  So in essence, it is our ancient HABITS that keep up with change.

I thought about how many people have told me something along the lines of, “It’s how we’ve always done it” when I come in to make changes to processes.  We allow ourselves to be stuck because we find comfort in routine and consistency.  In order for us to move forward we need to teach ourselves new habits, new patterns.  And as time continues to pass, we need to develop those and let them evolve as well.  We are in a constant state of growth and we pretend that we are content sitting behind a desk for 8 hours a day.  We are not built for that.

On a larger scale, the world is evolving.  How we did things isn’t how we have to continue.  We are on the precipice of making a choice for the future based on propriety (how we’ve always done things) or creativity (looking at new options).  Personally, I choose the latter.  I admit I enjoy my comfort and I stand on tradition.  Nostalgia, however, is not a reason to let stagnant beliefs or customs continue.  Our world needs our help more than ever and we can’t presume to find innovative solutions if we are stuck on our laurels for no other reason than that is what we know.

In order for anything to thrive we must adapt.  That means we have to allow our mindsets to adapt as well.  We have to accept that what we have taught ourselves isn’t necessarily right and that we can change.  It is all a matter of choice.  You wouldn’t willingly choose to leave your car stuck in the mud, right?  So why do you allow yourself to muddy your creative, beautiful, free mind with negative thoughts?  This behavior needs a new pattern.  As I continue my own practice of self-discovery and self-love, I know it’s a matter of consistency and repetition of new thoughts aligned with the person I want to be.

Accepting my own worth has allowed me to express myself in ways I never thought possible.  I have found parts of me I repressed and suppressed for years because I didn’t think the path I wanted to take was an option let alone possible.  Yes, I have to constantly remind myself and it’s easy to slip back into negative thoughts, but it is much easier to get myself back on track as I take the time to remind myself of my worth every day.  Instead of thinking of all of the ways that it isn’t going to work for me, I remind myself that things take time and that there is so much I want to learn.  I want to develop my skills and share with the world.  It’s in doing what is right for ourselves and in sharing our gifts that we flourish.

Mid-Week Gratitude

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Today’s card was “When I’m grateful for what I have, I can feel good along the way to what I desire” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  Another perfectly timed card as I spent a lot of today thinking about what I am grateful for.  I had been feeling some frustration with how things are shaping up (in general) and it made me pause.  I didn’t like the feeling of being trapped in a negative loop so I immediately started thinking of what I was grateful for.

I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to learn in my role.  Even though I’m not taking the project exactly where I want it to at this moment, I am learning how to deal with setbacks beyond my control.  I am also learning when it is appropriate to push my case and when to step back.  It’s a lesson in using experience to judge what is best for the overall outcome rather than merely pressing my point.

I am grateful for opportunities to practice redirection and how to gracefully go with the ever-changing course of things.  For so long the most important thing was making my opinion known and forcing people to see that my ideas for progress were the right ones.  It’s nice to take a step back and see the alternatives rather than being set in a rigid path.

I am grateful for help teaching my kid and for help making sure that he is always loved.  His caregivers definitely take the time to show him new experiences and they ALWAYS take the time to give him a little extra love during the time I’m away from him.  He is learning to be more independent under their guidance.

I’m grateful for the chance to listen to what my body and mind need.  I’m fortunate enough to have the time to pause when things get overwhelming and to take stock of where I’m at and take care of my needs.  If I need a minute to regroup, I am able to do that.  It’s nice to recenter and look at an issue with fresh eyes.

I’m grateful for friendship and surprise visits!  It lets me know that people think of us and that it doesn’t take much to let people know you care—or to feel cared for.  It’s nice to feel connection when you’re a little scattered and to have someone to bounce ideas off of.  Just someone to pass the time and someone you find you have more little things in common with.

I’m grateful to be able to share these little reminders of things to be grateful for.  It’s so easy to get swept up in our problems that we lose sight of how many things are going well.  It’s a powerful step to learn how to look at the good in everything and to remember to look for the good in the middle of a storm.

I love the life I have and the fact that this has given me the chance to start building the life I want.  Sometimes it isn’t about the end result—it’s about being happy for each achievement along the way and understanding that each small victory is a step toward the goal.  We wouldn’t throw away a raw diamond because it hasn’t been polished.  We shouldn’t throw away what we have in front of us simply because it isn’t doesn’t look like what we are hoping for.

It’s ok to feel joy for the little things.  Brene Brown speaks of forboding joy and how we can be distracted with worry for losing something we love or that things will go wrong that we miss out on the good that is happening right now.  Something good happening doesn’t mean that something bad has to happen as some kind of cosmic balance.  Joy doesn’t require pain to be felt, and the more we allow ourselves to feel that, the more we can experience what brings us joy without holding back.  Feeling good only brings what we desire even faster.  So relish it and welcome the joy with open arms and know that what you want is coming your way.

A Surge Forward

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I listened to Marie Forleo this afternoon and she was asked about some cool things she’s done with money.  Her first goal was to get out of debt.  Once she hit that, her next goal was to be able to afford to not work again if she didn’t have to.  She hit that goal as well.  This is so powerful because this is about setting a goal and speaking it into existence and not giving into our crap, owning what we need to do and DOING IT.

I realized that these were goals I wanted to set for myself as well.  I had never thought before that I could ask for something like that, or work toward something like that.  I had assumed that we always operate under debt and that we work until we are permitted to stop.  I want to take control of my destiny and look at the big goals, the big picture.  I have a message to share and that includes getting clear on what works for me and not shying away from my goals even if others view them as unrealistic or taboo.

I want to be completely debt free.  I’m talking about having enough income to pay off existing debt and afford all future needs.  I want to be able to never have to work for someone again.  I want to be able to spend my time doing the work I love and sharing my message, my gifts.  THAT is my job.

In order to do that, I’m dropping all barriers to success, opening to magic.  I want complete freedom in my life.  I’m raising myself to the next level.  I’m giving up the demanding child inside of me that waits for someone to meet my needs and I am stepping into the confident, calm, secure, powerful, capable woman I am.  I’m giving up laziness for action.  I’m giving up fear for courage.  I’m giving up who I thought I was and who I “had” to be for the woman I AM and WANT to be.  I feel so blessed to have this life, the life I want, rushing toward me, unfolding, welcoming me.  It feels like home.

Prior to finding real mentors (not people out for their own purposes) and real guides, I’ve often lived in the in between.  You know, between two worlds.  Between being a perfectionist, and feeling helpless, feeling powerful and powerless, feeling like the boss, and feeling like a doormat.  It took me a long time to realize the flux between the two dynamics came from not knowing my own identity or standing my ground.  Simultaneously, I would hide and show myself.  It came from not owning MY truth.  From trying to be something I wasn’t.  From using my time to prove my worth (and believing I needed to prove myself).  It came from being the chameleon in every group, no matter who I was with I wanted to be their ideal member.  I let myself live in a constant state of non-identification.  It led to a state of non-connection.  No connection with myself, with people, with source, or with purpose.

When you’re not connected and always moving between identities/groups/norms, you’re on shaky ground, not a solid foundation.  When you have a solid foundation, even if YOU’RE shaky, there’s a steadying force that can help put you right.  Trying to be a pleaser (the chameleon) where you’re always changing your skin keeps you out of connection because you’re focused on being what others want you to be.  when you build a foundation on authentic self, the self that is connected, you know who you are in every situation.  YOU ARE YOU.  You’re not shifting your personality to be accepted or changing your behavior.  You know what’s meant for you and accept it and move on from what isn’t you.  We attract what is ours with no force—the universe wants us to have what we need to fulfill our purpose.

For me, I feel my purpose when I’m speaking of these things.  I feel my purpose when I see signs and affirmations that I’m on the right track.  For example, this morning, my Super Attractor card was “I accept that good things come easily, I am a super attractor.”  Shortly after I wrote out the draft of this, I kept seeing 1119 EVERYWHERE—and today is 11/19.  I looked it up as an angel number and it is indicative of initiative, ambition, will power, self-leadership, assertiveness, instinct, intuition and CREATING OUR OWN REALITIES with thoughts, beliefs, and actions.  It spoke of goals almost being fulfilled and a higher purpose as a positive example for others.  It also spoke of recognizing new ventures and auspicious opportunities.  I mean, come on!!! That kind of confirmation that I am on the right path gives me the single greatest thrill that I feel all over my body.  THAT is the feeling we should all strive for every day.  That is how you know you found your purpose.  I’m so grateful to feel that.  Now I am asking the big questions: how to be in that state every day.  One step at a time.

Owning Your Power


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Today was a lesson in both surrendering to things beyond my control and stepping into my power.  A project I’ve been working on at work got delayed today—not just a little, but significantly altered to the point where I’m not even sure our partner team understood what we were looking for in the first place.  For some brief context, my team doesn’t own the contract but we are the end user so I have been working closely with another team to upgrade our primary software.  Because the other team owns the contract they are responsible for actually handling the implementation.  My contact has not taken the initiative to follow through on system requirements to even begin transferring data.

All of that being said, this means that I am not able to begin testing and moving forward with THE key objective my team had for this year.  Realizing that this is 100% the result of a team not doing their part felt good at first only because I can easily explain what happened.  Then I realized that it changes nothing.  It doesn’t matter that they didn’t do what they were supposed to, it mattered that communication had clearly broken down between our teams.  Yes, we were ultimately the ones who suffer for it since we are the user, but what happened that so drastically changed the course?

I was forced to look at what I could have done differently in this instance.  Even though on the surface I can say with all confidence that we established expectations up front and we were merely waiting for the other team, I know that there were probably several moments I could have stepped up.  I had stopped our weekly touch base assuming that we were good moving forward and I didn’t stop the moment I felt like things were getting skewed.  I should have made sure that the other team understood what was going on.  They were completely unfamiliar with our software in the first place and I should  have taken the time to level set much earlier on.

Knowing that getting angry wouldn’t resolve anything in this situation, I knew I had to pause and ask what could be done next.  This is a huge project and I need to move it forward regardless of the reason for delay.  I took a moment and asked what was going on, what I was feeling about the situation.  Frustration was the key emotion that came up and I knew it was because I didn’t understand how this could have happened.  I didn’t feel responsible for knowing what the other team’s day to day functions were—I felt they were responsible for simply laying out the timeline and doing what was necessary.  I know I need to clarify what everyone’s position is moving forward.  I felt unheard and jumped to some bad conclusions about gender roles and the other team’s perception of me as a female in the industry.  From the depths of my heart I know that wasn’t true, but I felt so disrespected as a project owner and I was fed up with all of the placating and no action from the other team.  I understand it has more to do with overwhelm on the other team and a lack of understanding of everything necessary.  I know I need to clarify steps further so we are on the same page.

This is one of the first moments that I actually acted on the insight I got from the pause.  Had I not taken the time to re-evaluate what was going on there would have been a massive breakdown amongst the teams and I couldn’t afford that kind of set back after learning that we still hadn’t been able to take step one.  It was a realization that I was trying to control two teams thinking that because I was in charge, they would understand what needed to be done.  I understood that this is not where power comes from, and authority doesn’t equal power.

Owning power is learning to take a beat.  It is one of the most challenging things I have to learn to do—and I am still in the middle of learning how to do that.  In the course of a few hours you can easily swing from high to low and it is up to you to maintain your emotions.  THAT is where your power lies: in not being swayed by what is occurring around you.  It is recognizing the moment for what it is and responding to the need.  It is responding with feeling without being overwhelmed or owned by the emotion.  It is living in the pause and taking the time to respond how you WANT to respond, not by impulse.  In short, it is owning the course of your day.  Hell, even owning the course of this second–and then moving forward one step at a time.