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This entire year has felt like a series of impossibilities, things we never thought we would see.  At times it felt like a cosmic joke as the events that unfolded seemed beyond any reality we could imagine.  The truth is that, while this year has shown us things we never thought we would see, it is really exposing all things we could no longer ignore.  This is the year we are being called to action.  Because when things need to change, it isn’t enough to speak of them—it is necessary to move forward into the territory of the unknown.  We can only ignore what we need to do for so long until outside sources put enough pressure on us to incite movement.

As a whole we have witnessed the mishandling of a global pandemic.  As things start to reopen due to public insistence, we will soon face the reality that the decision to open this soon was also not the right choice.  I have seen calls for kindness and tolerance of people who fall on different sides of the coin in this matter.  I have seen people boldly declaring “you do you and I’ll do me” in reference to what people are going to choose to partake in.  I have seen people trying to push a comparison between afraid and unafraid when it comes to what people are comfortable doing with the state reopening.

The truth is I have never witnessed such childish behavior from adults.  It’s beyond childish—it’s selfish, entitled, and dangerous.  It is the epitome of handing a toddler a butcher knife.  It brings out a level of frustration in me that feels like it could torch the world.

When it comes to the matter of disease there are some very simple facts.  First, the nature of any disease can and does change quickly.  That can either be for the positive or negative meaning, it proves to be either more or less dangerous than we thought.  When it comes to Covid, it is simply too early to make a clear distinction about where it falls on that scale.  YES we know more about it than we did 3 months ago.  But do we know enough about it to determine how it is going to evolve?  Do we know enough to establish a SAFE and effective vaccine? NO.  Second, when we don’t know those things with at least 90% certainty, we are not prepared enough to move into the next phase of ANYTHING.  People are touting that this disease has a 90% survival rate with 10% mortality, which may be true.  But the regular mortality rate for most cases in hospitals is from 1% to 3%.  This is a significant increase and just because you haven’t been affected by the illness, a large majority have been and it isn’t ok to ignore what others are going through.

Third, the real reason people have been so determined to get life “back to normal” has nothing to do with their fear of being controlled.  It has to do with the fact that during one of the biggest crises this generation has ever seen globally, one of the most financially strong countries in the world left its citizens to fend for themselves.  The powers that be supported business over its people forgetting that without people, business doesn’t exist.  We were told to stay home while simultaneously being expected to pay our bills.  People lost their jobs because companies had to close.  We were told to not go to the store but places couldn’t even keep toilet paper on the shelves.  We. Had. To. Fight. For. Toilet. Paper.  We were not cared for at the highest level.  I will be the first to admit there was no manual on handling a pandemic, but I sure as hell know that we need to feel safe in order to try something new.  We needed to know that we were safe. If this is really about getting back to normal, shame on you.  Because normal wasn’t working for everyone and until it does, normal isn’t good enough.  Put on your adult underwear and deal with the fact that things change.

Fourth, this isn’t going to end until we start thinking outside of the box.  There are just too many unknowns and that means that what we think we know may not apply here.  This may be a time when rushing forward isn’t the answer.  This may be a time of figuring it out.  I’m not suggesting we wait forever.  But I am suggesting that we do a better job of acclimating to reality and that the powers that be let go of their love of money in favor of love of humanity.  This simply means doing the right thing.  Keep people healthy and do whatever it takes to do that.  This isn’t a civil rights issue that needed to be overturned by courts—this is a public health issue that requires people to do as they are told.

There are additional public issues happening now. I feel compelled to address the George Floyd atrocity.  For those of you focused on the riots, the way people are protesting, I am so unbelievably sad for you.  You are completely missing the point.  You are missing the fact that we have left an entire community of people on the outside and said their pain is wrong.  The hurt of the African-American community spans generations and the fact that these atrocities are still occurring means that this is a hurt that exists.  It is real, it is tangible, and it is happening.  If you’re focused on the riots, you’re oblivious to the human suffering that is happening today at the hands of people we entrust with our safety.  You’re also incredibly privileged to be able to live your life without those fears or that pain.  If you can’t get to that level of compassion and understanding, then you have nothing to contribute to the conversation but more hurt.

With all of that being said on both issues, the bottom line is there is a lot of fear and hurt right now.  Fear manifests as anger.  So instead of anger, I want to share this.  I am profoundly grateful for everything that is happening right now.  I am grateful for leadership that continues to ignore real issues and to gaslight and that mismanages real public issues. I am grateful because all of this unrest is leading to action from the people.  I am grateful that the voices of the few now outweigh the voices of the rich.  I am grateful that we are finally in a situation where we know that there are things occurring that can no longer be ignored.  And I pray that as things continue to evolve, we continue to raise our voices for health, safety, and equality.  This world is crying in so many ways and we need to hear it.  We need to hear the words and heed them.  Our actions impact each other no matter how isolated we feel we are.

Regardless of how you feel about either situation discussed, I encourage you to question and go deeper.  I encourage you to try and see things differently.  I encourage you to hear all sides. I encourage you to entertain new ideas about where you stand.  I encourage you to act in ways that benefit us all.

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I’m grateful to rely on myself.  I’m grateful to trust in my ability to create the life I want for my family, for myself.  I’m grateful to take accountability for my needs and to admit what I need to do to get where I want to go. We are in the midst of a ton of changes in my house and for the first time, I feel like I have taken full accountability for where we are going.

I’m grateful to align with my authentic self. I’m grateful to give what I an and to understand what it means to give.  I’m grateful to find options to publish my work.  I used to fear giving, feeling like it would mean there is less for me because I had been taken advantage of in some painful ways previously.  Taking the chance to offer support has shown me how giving amplifies our own lives.

I’m grateful to have so much love in my life.  I am grateful to understand what that blessing means.  My kid, my husband, my animals, my entire family—there is so much joy in unconditional love.  Joy and security.

I am grateful for my health and the opportunity to choose what is important to me without guilt.  I am grateful to enjoy my life no matter what.  I used to believe that things had to look a certain way in my life in order to be of value or that they had to occur at a certain time, all things going exactly right in order for me to celebrate them.  With the current state of things, I’m seeing how there is so much beauty in life and it occurs all the time.

I am grateful to see the peace in the present moment and relax into it—to feel safe in the moment.  My mind easily jumps from fear to regret as I swing between anxiety about the future and depression.  Seeing how little control we have over the circumstances of the world allows me to appreciate the things I have accomplished and built.  There is something to be happy with in every moment.

I am grateful to share my knowledge and insight with those who ask for it.  I have been told that I am good at offering support.  That was definitely one of the ways I had been taken advantage of previously because I would end up doing the work for people.  But as time has gone on, I’ve learned to help people get on their feet and to steer them in the right direction—and I really love doing that.

I am grateful to be in a position where I’m content regardless of the direction things go.  With that, I am grateful to understand what it means to be in flow with life.  This is the hardest one for me.  But I have learned a lot over the last two months.  It has been intense for me because things have changed rapidly but that has given me the chance to be honest about where I’m at and to make decisions based on instinct.  And getting in touch with that again is a game changer.

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Today I am grateful to be surrounded by strong women.  I was able to speak with my mother and sisters today in celebration of Mother’s Day.  We had a beautiful, intense conversation and it really felt cathartic.  It was nice to celebrate together virtually.

Today I am grateful to simply feel validated in what I am feeling.  The emotions I have been experiencing as of late have been overwhelming and speaking with my sisters today helped.  It was a release to hear that I am not alone in what I am feeling and a relief to hear that no one knows what they are doing now.  I understand logically that most people will experience things differently at this time, but to HEAR that others are feeling the same thing without having to explain myself felt calming.

Today I am grateful to be able to reach out to new contacts for help.  That is not something I would normally do.  I’m typically the person who deals with the heavy lifting on my own, but I haven’t been able to do that lately.  I took a chance and reached out to a woman I just met a few weeks ago and she was able to give me some advice and some solace about where I’m at.

Today I’m grateful to understand that live is always evolving.  Again, we are all logically aware of this but as time goes on, it is easy to forget it practically.  It is easy to forget what change feels like and what it feels like to have to participate in something we may not have chosen.  The old adage, “We plan, God laughs,” seems highly applicable right now.  This saying is true during the most usual of circumstances.  Throw in the circumstances we are seeing today with this pandemic and there is no way to make a plan.  There is no way to treat this situation as normal.  We can not respond to the unknown in the known ways.

Today I am grateful for the little things that keep my feet on the ground.  I made French toast this morning.  I was constantly interrupted by my son during the family conference—reminding me that we are all ok and sometimes just need to get out of our heads.  I have my health.  I have support.  I know love.

Today I am grateful for dreams.  As I mentioned in the evolving paragraph, we have no way to know how to plan for what may be coming right now because we don’t know what is coming.  But I am so grateful to be able to have fun and imagine the possibilities that are out there.  It gives me some hope to think that we can change things.

Today I am grateful to have things to remain hopeful for—we all have things to remain hopeful for.  I hope for a positive future.  I hope for healing, emotionally and physically.  I hope for love and joy.  I hope for a return to self.  I hope for a return to personal accountability for everyone.  I hope for a time when people will remember the value of work and of not simply getting their way.  I hope for a time when we remember the value of people again.  I hope for a time of common goals and shared responsibility.  I hope for a time when we understand the value of serving our individual purpose and release the drive for homogeny.  I want us to explore and unleash all the colors of the world.

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The voice of doubt has been strong this week.  I have had so many moments of fear coupled with self-loathing—and it hasn’t been this strong in a long while.  I hit a real low this week.  It was one of those weeks where not one of my techniques came to the forefront of my mind and I felt completely abandoned and hopeless.

I know that there have been some major astrological shifts with the moon this week so I’m not sure if that had anything to do with it (if you believe in that or really understand it, maybe you can explain it to me!).  I had been excited thinking that I was in for a real progressive, positive shift.  I didn’t expect to feel so drained and lonely.

I started thinking about it clinically.  I started thinking about how the brain can take us from such incredible highs to such devastating lows and how we are all just taken along on the ride of where our mind wants to take us.  This line of thought actually helped me because I was able to put a chemical reason to it.  For whatever reason my brain was just experiencing a low.

Then I started thinking about it logically and I know part of the problem is that I am quite simply at my limit.  I’ve been working limited hours at my 9-5 (intentionally) but during my off time I’ve turned into the full time mom again.  I’m feeling so conflicted because I LOVE being with my kid but it is exhausting trying to keep him entertained all the time.  I find myself torn ALL the time with what we “should” be doing next.  I’ve also been taking a lot of courses lately trying to get myself where I want to be with my business.  I’ve made the decision to work for myself and that is a new level of trying to figure it out.  This is all mentally draining.  Throw in not working out very much and the energy just isn’t where it needs to be.  I’ve also been disappointed because I’ve been busting my butt for weeks to eat well and to keep my body moving and I’m at a standstill right now—no progress toward definition and my stamina is way down.

I know that any one of those things would be challenging but I still don’t feel much relief.  It’s difficult to even write this.  I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this.  So all I want to do at this point is say that I know we are not alone in feeling overwhelmed—even if we feel like we have no reason to feel that way.  Sometimes we have to feel this low in order to practice what we preach—in this case that all the feelings are valid.  So I will take this week and chalk it up as some lessons learned and just know that it will pass.

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Today I am grateful for milestone family moments.  My son officially learned to ride his bicycle on Friday.  It was really emotional for me.  My turned 3 a few months ago and as I was watching him ride his bicycle, I found myself thinking about how this little boy started out as a couple of cells and now he’s this amazing person with his own personality—and he’s so mobile now!  Watching him hit these milestones just makes me value the time I have with him.

Today I am grateful for beautiful weather.  It’s been gloomy for the last few days and my mind has been all over the place.  Having a nice day gave me some pause and a chance to reset.

Today I am grateful for time outdoors.  Over the last few weeks I am so grateful to have learned how integral movement is to the body.  It’s something we all know on an intellectual level but to do it is a whole new game.  I’ve lost roughly 10 pounds, my joints aren’t as achy, and I look forward to that time to move.  We went on an amazing bike ride as a family.

Today I am grateful for making healthy decisions for myself and for my family.  I know that there are going to be some rough times for us coming up so I’ve made the decision to move forward with some projects that I have on the side.  Initially I was going to wait until the time was right and I could afford it, but with some changes that are coming at my 9-5, now is the right time.  It’s officially the time in my life when I can’t afford NOT to do it.

Today I am grateful to have discussions with my husband about our future.  There is a lot of uncertainty in the world.  We have both stepped up and realized that we can’t lower our expectations to meet what is going on—we have to shift our mindset to create a new vibration.  Looking forward is something we all have to do.  Look at what your goals are and then align your behavior with it…and let go.  Plus it’s exciting to have something to look forward to.

Today I am grateful for creativity.  For the last week I’ve been working on a program to get things moving forward with my business.  I’ve been reaching out to people and making some connections to help them build their businesses.  Seeing how they reach out and the questions they’re asking has give me some ideas for how to progress with my work.  I’ve also learned to take progress over perfection and to simply get things done.  On top of that I have spent a ton of time over the last few days working with my son on art and putting things together.  It’s good to be silly.

Today I am grateful for acceptance.  With the changes that have happened over the last few days, I’ve come to accept that certain things simply are what they are.  It gave me great peace because it now feels like there is freedom in the decisions that I have to make.  No one else is going to take care of us so I need to make sure I’m doing what is right for my family.  While it took me a long time to get to that point, I have accepted that I have other things that I am meant to do with my life and that I can’t keep putting them off.  That would be my advice to everyone:  make peace with where you are at so that way you can move forward to where you want to go.  We aren’t trees—we are able to move if necessary.

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“What have you learned about yourself during this lockdown that you don’t like?”  This was a question posed during Marie Forleo’s IG live for Self-Care Saturday.  It caught my ear and got me to thinking.  I personally feel like this lockdown shouldn’t have brought about anything that we don’t like about ourselves.  If anything it’s only bringing about a level of awareness of things that we already know.  We don’t need to use this time to be overly critical of ourselves.  But as we are all spending more time in our minds, we can absolutely use this time to acknowledge that it’s time to do things differently.  That much we can do gently.  We can lovingly accept those pieces of us because we are now all on pause.  There is no other choice but to be with what is going on—and to embrace it rather than run from it.

The most beautiful thing is to take this time to learn acceptance.  From there it’s taking action on it.  Because while we are on pause, there are only so many actions we can take outside of ourselves.  We are literally limited to where we can go and what we can do.  So why not take the time to work on what we can work on–internally?

Deep dives create a surge of different emotions.  We have to come to terms with what is inside of us and for the first time in our lifetimes, there aren’t other people around to deflect to.  Any heightened situation where we don’t know how things will go, any uncertainty creates emotion and there seems to be quite a continuum of what people are feeling during this time.  At this point I would simply say, feel all of it.  Allow it.  But don’t dwell in it.  Sometimes letting situations just be is the best action you can take.  Vibe of the day said it best: “Move past living a life centered on what others did or did not.  Focus on how you want to feel and what you can do about it.”  All we can control is our actions and how we want to feel about it.

So take this time and be gentle with yourself.  Learn to lean into what you’re feeling and allow it to happen.  Recognize where you feel it in your body and what you’re feeling in your body .  And go slowly to work your way through.  Once you give up avoiding these things, you will open up to ways to get through.  My favorite part of that is once you’re all the way on the other side you’ll be able to look back and say that 1. It wasn’t so scary, and 2. You accomplished something amazing.