I had an odd dream about people trying to break into the house, being clearly visible and trying to sneak in all the same.  In the dream I told my son to remember the code word and he said Barracuda.  I asked these people for the word and they said the same, Barracuda.  Then I got nervous, unsure of how to keep them out and I woke very shortly after that.  But the word, Barracuda, kept ringing in my head even while awake.  I searched what barracuda in dreams represents—even though I didn’t dream of the animal itself the repetition was significant enough.  It said that it symbolizes a need to trust instincts, take decisive action, embrace tenacity in pursuing goals; as an aggressive, focused predator, it represents breaking through complacency, resilience, and assertiveness and to be more proactive and work on sharper focus.  That would have felt personal had it not come from my own dreams…the subconscious knows.  Regardless, like many people, I’ve felt on the precipice of something for a while, knowing that more work needed to be done but that it would ultimately bring me where I needed to be, where I’d been wanting to go.  I saw some posts from an acquaintance and I noticed they’d been doing really well with their business and it hit me that it was built from the ground up—to me that was a clear sign that the message was true and accurate—I need to push through complacency.

I’ve been taking the steps necessary to do just that, prioritizing my business, making sure the things I need to do are addressed first but I’ve still be struggling with focus.  I know I need to be more disciplined in my approach yet, at the same time, the things that have been distracting me lately have been consistent: I see clutter and I need to clean it.  I see or hear a snippet of something that resonated and I go down the rabbit hole.  So, I’m giving myself a little grace because I still feel on track, I just need to continue the drive.  I’m starting to see how all of life is a transitional phase because we are never the same person for very long and our roles shift constantly.  Navigating aging, both my own and my family, and realizing what I want to do in life has made it obvious that taking the chance while we can is key.  If the opportunity presents, take it. “Imagine looking back one day and realizing you were courageous enough to chase the life you truly dreamed of.  The one God sewed in your heart and not conform to a life everyone including the enemy tried to shrink you into,” Unknown.  Instead of feeling overwhelm, I feel gratitude that I’ve found the path for me.  I understand the predatory nature of a goal and realize that, while I’ve often spoken against it, now is the time to allow it to consume.  Now is the time to go after it all.  Now is the time to unleash what has been tamed for too long.

It isn’t about the hunt or the kill—it’s about the shaping and curating of the situation to produce the most conducive environment for success.  It’s about the follow through and doing.  The acquaintance I mentioned above is a testament to that.  Taking decisive and clear action produces results.  I started clearing my home, tidying things up, getting ready to purge and clean for spring.  It has felt incredibly cathartic to tap into some of my creative nature with that venture to assist with the decision making—can something be repurposed?  Does it support what I want to do moving forward?  We don’t have to take things so literally.  Life isn’t that serious yet it takes a degree of seriousness (or at least serious intent) to accomplish things.  But what drives me now isn’t the need or the desire to win—it’s the need to live entirely free of the constraints I’ve created and allowed.  Again, for many, this is a turning point because now we can look forward into a future that makes sense for us and we can feel that contentment and happiness and peace that comes from that type of fulfillment.  Fulfilling our soul purpose in spite of any blocks and having the courage to stay true to our own path is the ultimate goal of life.  If we can imagine the impact our drive has on the world, we’d never let ourselves get complacent again.  So spend some time living in what that courage feels like and then take one step closer to that goal.  Take one moment to clear the distraction and see what life looks like on the other side of focus and intent and follow through.  Don’t let anyone plant the seed of doubt in your heart/mind/soul—tend to the spark that seeks to ignite the entire way and feed it until it gleams so brightly the path is assured.

When two things are next to each other we’re forced to compare them.  It’s human nature to look at what’s around us and automatically see what we perceive as lacking.  This Includes our own lives.  Looking at who we were with who we are.  Who we are with who we want to be. It’s a rare thing to look at something and just take it in and realize that some things don’t need to be qualified and organized into any sort of hierarchy.  We’re born to be on the lookout for the “other” as a survival mechanism and we are now socially trained to look at whatever anyone else is doing and see how it looks in accordance with our lives, with our current location.  The issue with comparison in that regard is we automatically devalue one thing over another—again, including our own lives.  The assumption that something is better or looks more like what we think it should means that there is something wrong with the presence of the item being compared.  There is so much context in this world and so many trite sayings I could whip up/find that talk about staying in our lane and simply following the steps/journey we are on—and they’re all true.  We are where we are because that is the journey we are meant to have.  We’re where we are meant to be because if we were meant to be anywhere else, that’s where we would be. That’s not to speak about the need to get things going and motivation and whatnot, just that the path we are meant to be on always finds us.      

As I was saying, there is a reason we compare and there’s even a time it may be helpful, however, we live in this land of perception where because we think someone else has something we want that they must be doing better.  The truth is it’s all relative and this life is not one size fits all.  Wayne W. Dyer says, “Relax, let go, allow, and recognize that some of your desires are about how you think your world should be rather than how it is in that moment.”  We creep into the land of the Should’s and suddenly nothing is enough and everything is wrong.  A mentor once told me, “If you live your life in should, you’ll end up should-ing all over yourself.”  When we think we “should” be something we lose sight of what we are and we trap ourselves in that comparison—and when we live in comparison we never really learn to develop along our own path.  For as long as humans have been around, we haven’t mastered this concept that comparison really serves very little purpose.  We’ve evolved as a species to develop and create amazing things yet we are stuck with this lizard brain component of our minds that still thinks being different means death.  I’ve seen plenty of people I know are alive but they’ve never really lived for the sake of adhering to the rules they were given earlier in life.  Comparison robs us of the lives we are meant to have—you know what they say about living the same year 90 times and not calling it living.

The point in this is that there is value in everything that exists in this world so on that basis alone, there is no need to compare.  We can talk apples and oranges for example.  While they are both fruit, they each provide different nutrients, they taste different, they grow in different environments with different requirements.  That doesn’t mean one is any better than the other—each serves its purpose.  It’s the differences that make things special and the same is true for us.  Humans are meant to express who they are as they are and that is why we’re each born with specific drives, values, and focus.  Order, similarity, and structure may provide a sense of comfort but that isn’t the essence of who we are.  We are meant to find calmness in our own chaos on our own path.  When we dwell in comparison we let our own unique and needed talents collect dust or wither away.  Trying to be something we are not is the most life draining use of energy we can engage in.  So don’t waste time living in comparison.  Spend that time creating the essence of who we are and if we aren’t sure of it, spend time exploring what feels right to figure it out.  Be authentic and honest and that feeling will never steer us wrong. We can’t compare someone’s light to another because we all shine in our own ways in our own time.  Each lights a different path meant for that individual.  Don’t be the cloud that darkens someone else’s path and don’t let thoughts of “should” darken our own.  Just keep shining.       

“The secret to life is to learn how to add more value,” Jim Rohn.  I’m guilty of falling into the habit of looking out for my own interests.  I was raised with an old school generation and old school mentality where whatever work you put into something, you’d get something back for it—you were rewarded accordingly.  That mentality is fantastic and sound as long as we operate in a time where we can back that up and give the rewards promised to everyone who does the work.  With that being said, it’s easy to get disheartened with effort that doesn’t yield the reward we were promised.  It’s hard to keep going when we see nothing happening.  But the key is revealed in the opening quote: it isn’t about what we get out of something—it’s about what we add to it.  That can be hard to believe as we look around us, especially in the social media age, because we see people relishing and basking in self-serving and self-aggrandizing activities that, frankly, do pay off.  We’ve learned to make money making spectacles of ourselves and showcasing our lives as if our lives are some sort of thing to monetize.  When we stop focusing on what we can get and start looking at what we can put in, we see things differently. 

Adding more of who we are to the mix allows us to showcase what’s really important: sharing our purpose for being here.  Value doesn’t come with a monetary end point—some of the most expensive things provide nothing important, or it’s limited resource.  Like spending thousands of dollars on trends—it’s wasteful and it doesn’t last.  It’s true that the things money can’t buy are the most valuable and that means time, the connection to those around us, the ability to express ourselves, the ability to experience the world.  The most valuable things are the ones we create and shape from our own hands and the things that help others to serve their purpose as well.  The things we make as uniquely ours and help us leave a mark.  In terms of legacy, I go back to a piece I wrote about the dash—that little line between our birth and death that indicates all the life in between.  What we do with that time is invaluable and frankly, it doesn’t matter if it’s remarkable or notable or recorded for anyone else—the point is to know we’ve done our best and to leave things a little better than we found them or perhaps a little easier for the next person.

There’s a saying about planting the seeds of trees we know we will never sit in the shade of and that is saying something as far as what truly adds value.  Sometimes we don’t always know we’ve planted a seed and sometimes after we have planted it, it doesn’t always seem like it’s doing much.  Then one day, the plant bursts forth and turns into a tree.  After some time the tree bears fruit all from something we didn’t necessarily understand or believe in the moment.  It’s not always easy to know when to keep going, when to pivot, when to stop but we know what it feels like to do our best and if we can say we did our best then that’s enough.  Our best will always bring out the best for everyone and it isn’t always about what we get out of it in the moment.  Sure, it’s about how we feel in the moment or doing what’s right at the time—but it isn’t always about the reward per se.  It takes years for some businesses to develop and show profit.  It takes time for plants to grow and it takes time to build things that matter so they will last.  The goal, at the end of the day, isn’t necessarily that it turns out exactly as we envisioned but if we were able to make things a little better along the way or make it a little easier for someone in the future.  Energy, focus, and effort compound not only for our benefit but moreso for others and so that person can do more for others as well.  That’s community, that’s life, that’s value.  What have we done to help today?              

I heard someone say, “The men may be gone but the brands still exist,” and it got me thinking about legacy.  It got me thinking about what it means to be intentional about what we want to leave behind.  Questioning what’s important to leave behind. We prioritize different things based on culture, values, and beliefs so that answer changes depending on those factors.  They also change depending on the type of legacy we want to leave.  Are we leaving a legacy in name?  In fortune?  In ethics/values? In infamy? I lived exactly as my parents wanted me to, quiet, in the background, compliant, amenable. I was quick witted and snappy and able to reply but I was to keep myself open and available for anything they may need.  When we leave ourselves open for everyone to use us as they see fit, we lose ourselves.  When we build contingencies for other people’s emergencies into our day, we are overly available and saying that we are open for everyone’s business but our own.  We can’t be so busy helping people make a mark that we erase ourselves in the process.

When we start living for ourselves we operate differently.  We aren’t jumping to reply as quickly as possible to everyone’s messages or demands.  We take our time as we see fit.  We have confidence in the belief that everything happens in its own time and that what is meant for us will come to us.  We finish the workout, we finish the thought, we complete the task we are invested in rather than allowing something else to interrupt us.  We aren’t jumping to meet other people’s requirements and drop what we are doing to appease them.  There’s an assurance in the worth of our actions and we function with purpose.  OUR purpose.  The reason we know people’s names is a result of their actions and the impact/mark they had on society.  Einstein, Freud, MLK, Mandela, Tesla and even including Robin Williams etc. etc.  The reason we know these people is because they did what they did well.  They were real and action aligned with intent to produce beautiful works of art and revolutionary breakthroughs and talent. 

When we give others the power to control our days, we are giving up our autonomy.  I’m not saying some scheduling isn’t necessary or that we disregard people’s needs, I’m saying when the automatic thought is how to rearrange what we want to do around what the other person wants to do or needs done, we make the pieces that make up who we are weak.  We’re trained to give control of our lives to others whether it’s working a 9-5 or bending to meet someone else’s needs and we’re trained to think that’s normal.  It is not normal to let someone else dictate our days.  We are meant to be autonomous, creative, authentic, unique beings who leave a legacy of support and instinct for the next generations to do the same.  Our mark very well may be in helping people and there is something to be said about finding contentment where we are—peace and contentment for all really is the goal.  The best way to do this is to stop overthinking where we’re going or what comes next or what happened before and simply live where we are right now, fully aware and connected in the moment.  So whether we’re designing clothes, writing books, teaching, or saving lives, we all have an impact—our brand will always exist if live with purpose because there is nothing like the legacy of living and loving a life well.            

A little note regarding embracing the spice of life.  There was a story about a woman who carried a bikini around in her bag in case the inclination and opportunity to swim ever hit her—she wanted to be ready.  Her joy was swimming and she wanted to be prepared to partake in the joy whenever she had the opportunity.  There’s something a little romantic in that, thinking of the joy we embrace in the moment.   That is taking in the journey.  There is no hesitation, no inhibition, just unfettered truth and unbridled happiness and contentment.  I want to reiterate something I started to talk about earlier this week which is how seriously we take this life.  No, I wouldn’t advocate for aimlessly wandering and floundering through life, throwing darts hoping something sticks. But I would NEVER advocate for taking life so seriously that we miss the point which is to live.  While cliché, it remains true that we will not live forever and whatever we accumulate on this Earth, whether accolades or material possessions, we can’t take them with us when all is said and done.  With that in mind, it almost makes more sense to carry the bikini with us every day than it does to leave it at home. 

I think that part that sticks out the most for me is the part about experiencing the journey.  I’ve always been one of those destination people, meaning, get me to where I need to go ASAP. While traveling I’ve even thought to myself, “I don’t care that I’m seeing xyz, I came here to see A.”   It never really dawned on me to want to see things on the way to where I was trying to go.  Sure I’d see some cool stuff but I never wanted to slow down and look at anything because we had places to go and if we had time to come back we’d see it later.  There are times it’s necessary to keep moving but there really is all the time in the world to slow down and truly see what’s around us.  We spend so much time focused on movement and winning, often forgetting the simple things like conversation, walks in nature, dinner with friends.  If we rush through all of that we miss a lot of life.  And there is a LOT of life in this world.  We’re meant to experience it and we’re meant to partake in it.  If something catches our fancy, why not take the cue and follow it?  The spice of life is found when we find the nuances buried in certain experiences.  Take the opportunity, find the passion, find the joy—and always have that bikini ready 😊           

Today I am grateful for learning to appreciate what I have.  The last several years have shown me the important things in life.  I allowed myself to get so caught up in creating an image from the idea of what I wanted in life that I never lived it.  I was trapped in a time where it was appropriate to make decisions about myself but living a very middle age adult timeline.  The disconnect between where I was at and where I wanted to be grew the longer stayed believing in was in the past with endless amounts of time to decide how to make a life.  I’ve already made a life.  I didn’t want to deal with the reality of aging parents, ill family members, my own mortality, illness in my own home so I trapped myself and made myself a child in so many ways.  I threw fits if I didn’t get what I wanted, I felt unappreciated and demanded respect from people that frankly didn’t matter whether or not they respected me.  I hid the truth of who I am for the sake of projecting an image and being liked by the very people I brought together.  Now that I’ve learned to face the issue of mortality (in some ways) and I’ve learned to detach my life from those around me, I’ve seen the true power in what I’ve created.  Sure, it’s messy and disjointed because I wasn’t super clear on a lot of things, but it’s impressive even if it’s chaotic.  So imagine the truth of what comes from true clarity and applying that energy.  I appreciate what I have because I know I didn’t do this on my own and I appreciate it because I know there is more to come from it and that I can share this with others. 

Today I am grateful for a change of pace.  I’ve been working from home for 8 months now and I wouldn’t change it for the world—it’s been life changing for me in so many ways.  Sure, there was more of a learning curve than I thought but it’s been amazing.  And now that I have the hang of what a day can look like, it’s even better than I could imagine and I love it.  With that being said, it can still get a little lonely not interacting directly with people every day.  So I took a few days to go back into the office and meet with people.  It’s amazing how the commute feels entirely different when you don’t have to do it every day and when you’re literally under no pressure to be a certain place at a certain time.  Seeing people and interacting in person with those I care about made all the difference in the week.  I got to speak with friends I don’t see much of anymore, I got to get work done on a different schedule, and I didn’t have to stick around for any specific time.  It solidified what I hoped for in taking back my time—because it is my time and I don’t need to have it dictated by anyone else.  In the same breath, it was wonderful to change things up and move the day along a bit by interacting with people and changing up the environment a little bit.  Certainly not something I will do every day but it’s a wonderful option to have. 

Today I am grateful for seeing through the cracks.  We are truly fortunate to be where we are and I don’t deny that for a second.  We have everything we need and we don’t have much to worry about.  That doesn’t mean there aren’t pitfalls like human drama and pettiness, which in the grand scheme of things, if that is the worst of it so be it.  However, I’m seeing how those toxic human traits of drama and pettiness can ruin the most beautiful of things.  While at my son’s most recent school event, I had to deal with a bit of the crap from last year in regard to interacting with some parents.  A friend came up to me during that event and told me she had a parent confront her about her son “stealing” a particular item from a video game—and that is the point of the game—STEAL is literally in the title.  I mean, we are at the point with this location where people expect everyone else to take responsibility for their actions and to be ok with it.  I would love to have a solid foundation somewhere but there are parts much like that that make me realize we don’t have as tight nit of a community as I thought we did.  There is such a lack of accountability for things it’s almost uncomfortable.  The thing is, while they are just cracks for right now, these are things that lead to bigger issues.  We are fortunate because we are at the point where we can either choose to repair them or we can choose to leave. 

Today I am grateful for taking a stand.  As a continuation of seeing through the cracks, this specifically references the fact that there are some things we just can’t fix, not because we CAN’T, but because the other people involved won’t let us.  I’ve realized that I do not need to ingratiate myself any further with begging for forgiveness for something I didn’t do.  I do not need to take responsibility or accountability for someone else’s actions.  I’ve done my part in apologizing, expressing myself, and talking through everything that happened and I already have one child—I do not need to act as mother to everyone else to make them play nice nor do I have any ownership over another adult’s actions.  To still have the other parties involved icing me out after that communication (where apologies and open conversation happened) and apparent “forgiveness” (or at least a start to mend the relationship in some cases) tells me that we are very much not ok and that there is still some level of expectation of my behavior, some final conquest or test to prove my “belonging” in the very group I brought together.  This is coming from grown adults with children—yet these adults still behave as children.  So, I had the realization that there is truly nothing left I need to do.  I’ve done my part and if they chose to not return to be a part of my life then so be it.  I do not need to beg to be seated at a table I built—I can either build another one or I can clear the settings.  They’ve chosen to walk away so it’s time to take the latter course and simply move on.  And I am ok with that.  I will not spend the rest of my life trying to jump through hoops looking for approval from people who would just as soon turn their backs.  I’m fine right where I am.    

Today I am grateful for starting anew.  My husband and I have been playing pool again and I’m pretty awful at it—He’s had a near lifetime of playing and my only experience has been since we got this table a few years ago.  But I’m competitive and I like to get things right, especially when I understand something conceptually.  I want to be able to carry it out.  To clarify, I don’t care if I win against him, I expect myself to be able to hit the mark I’m aiming for—I’m more competitive with myself these days.  We’ve had some really good nights and I’ve had some incredibly frustrating nights where it seems like I’m always on the edge of “almost” but never quite making the shots I want to.  Now, with my dramatic brain, of course I equate that to many circumstances in my life (reliving all the almosts) so there are some nights that are rough for me.  But I noticed a pattern in this last rough round. I’ve had attachment issues and fears of losing people my entire life and it was after a visit with my parents that didn’t go so well that I really had a rough night at playing pool.  It hit me that I still let them put me in situations where I have to bend my life around theirs and I’m still not on my own timeline.  I had read something about the difference between women and girls in regards to their responses and it said something to the effect that women operate in their time (ie not jumping to respond to texts/calls when they’re in the middle of something they need to do—obviously emergencies are the exception—they don’t let other people’s perceived emergencies interrupt their plans) while girls jump to everyone else’s demands and I nearly fell apart.  I had this idea I needed to be excellent at pool and was failing all while jumping to EVERYONE’S whims.  Once that realization hit me, I knew it was time for me to review how I approached things.  I don’t need to wait to choose how to live my life until everyone else is settled and on their way.  So I started over, right then and there and realized my choices are mine. I just needed the reminder

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I don’t tend to write about Valentine’s Day because I find it to be one of the most commercial, forced, generated “holidays” out there—along with Sweetest Day.  I love love, I love the idea of celebrating love, I love the idea of showing love whether it’s platonic, romantic, familial, spiritual, kindred, whatever it may be.  Love is a REAL thing and I truly believe it’s an element that can shape and change the world.  As a kid I loved celebrating Valentine’s Day because it seemed like the day we were made entirely aware of those who cared about us and that we were valued.  I thought it meant something to share that kind of appreciation with all of those around us.  Truthfully, there is still value if not necessity to share that type of appreciation but I don’t feel we need a single day to do that, a single extravagant day to break the bank and put pressure on creating a perfect scenario to show we love someone.  It’s been years since I truly researched anything about the day and, like most events in history, there are many stories pertaining to its origin ranging from fertility festivals with ritual sacrifices to the execution of men named Valentine under Emperor Claudius to an imprisoned priest falling in love with a jailer’s daughter.  The story gets skewed with the telephone game of history so the point is this: why do we need one specific day to show love and appreciation for those we love?  Why do we need to make such a spectacle of a very natural and very special thing like the relationships between people?  Why do we choose to forget the bigger scope of what the emotion of love can do and focus on putting pressure on it? Frankly, why do we do that for everything in our lives?

These are questions I don’t have the answers for but I know that as time has gone on and humans have evolved, we have learned to take very special things and almost make a mockery of them with pressure and unnecessary pomp and circumstance. I believe in making things special but I don’t believe in mass marketing and manufacturing an emotion.  Commercializing and capitalizing on an emotion is a manipulative and damn near savage thing to do.  To create the type of pressure and mental strain that makes people feel alone if they aren’t paired by a specific date is so far from the concept of love.  Love is a special thing and to understand that, we need to understand what it is to love ourselves.  In this hugely digital age we are starting to get the message of what it means to love ourselves—not the kind of love that means spending thousands of dollars to look a certain way or to spend a spa day or buy a specific product.  We are talking of the real need to appreciate the core of who we are and how to cultivate that into something special.  I’ve said it before but it stands to reason that when we learn to love ourselves, we finally understand what it is to love anything else.  The concept of love isn’t crazy, it’s a necessity.  It truly is love that makes us consider our actions towards others and our environment.  It’s love that makes us see the bigger scope of possibility in the universe.  It’s love that makes us treat the things around us with care and respect.  It’s love that helps things grow.  It’s love that forces us to slow down and appreciate and really FEEL the little things that matter in life.  Those feelings are things we could never manufacture or buy—yet we are so desperate for those feelings we think we could buy them.

The ironic part is we treat relationships like a spectacle as well and this is the other side of not knowing how to truly love ourselves. If we treat others like disposable options we start looking for ways to make ourselves feel valuable rather than cultivate our natural talents and authentic state.  We live wearing a constant mask and that type of hiding will never show the reality of who we are.  If we don’t show who we are how can we ever express our authenticity?  We only express our authenticity when we feel safe and that type of safety can’t be manufactured or found in anything outside of ourselves.  The full breadth of our creativity must be cultivated and appreciated from the inside out.  IT ironic thing about the latter fact and the concept of a holiday like Valentine’s day is that we rarely show those true facets of ourselves to the world because we’re so afraid we won’t be accepted—and if we aren’t showing our real selves, how can our real selves ever be truly loved?  Perhaps it’s part of getting older and being ready to strip away the veil of fakeness and pressure we put on ourselves.  Perhaps it’s getting older and finally truly being tired of having to wear a mask myself.  It wasn’t until I started making choices and moves for myself last year that I truly stepped into some semblance of who I am and understood that THAT is the version of me that I want to appreciate and share with the world.  So this isn’t to dismiss or devalue the concept of love, this is about understanding what love really is and what it really takes.  True love starts with loving ourselves enough to express our authenticity and dive into the joy that brings.  When we learn how to love ourselves, loving everything else is easy—and we don’t need a holiday to show that. So celebrate today by digging a little deeper into who we are and letting that light shine a little brighter.  That’s how loving ourselves changes the world.          

Another confession time: there are times I’m not sure I’m a very good person and I fear where I went wrong in my relationships.  I mean, the argument could be made that no one is truly a good person and we all feel that way at times but I wanted to dive into this.  I’ve sought acceptance nearly every day of my life, proving my worth practically from the moment I was born.  That habit led me to do things I’m not proud of in order to gain acceptance.  I often made myself look like a desperate fool trying to show people I was malleable and fluid and could be exactly what was needed no matter what.  If I look back and really look at all the relationships I had that failed, I’m the common denominator.  Throughout childhood, the people who helped me most were often the first ones I cut out.  I fought furiously to get the acceptance of those giving me a hard time (so they would stop giving me a hard time) and it so often looked like I was playing both sides—and there were times I was.  That wasn’t done out of any malice, that was done because I truly am able to see and relate to both sides.  Regardless.  The people who I wanted to accept me often turned around and abandoned me while the people who actually accepted me called me on my crap.  I fell into the trap of taking people for granted—I always assumed those closest to me would forgive me no matter what and I know there were circumstances where I really hurt people.  Instead of owning it, I doubled down and made excuses for hurting them and cut them out.  I equated them with those truly trying to use me.

Because of my own guilt, I destroyed valuable relationships and I fear that I may have done so relatively recently so I’m not so sure this habit is entirely “cured.”  But here’s the thing: I constantly spent my time trying to control and fix everything around me because I didn’t know how to acknowledge and accept my own mistakes.  I didn’t know how to keep my nose out of other people’s business because I didn’t know how to apologize for my own short comings and mistakes.  I struggled in other relationships, accepting far less than I deserved for so long because I thought I didn’t deserve anything else.  I covered the entire thing in band-aids, desperately trying to keep things together and ended up severing a lot of other ties along the way as well.  In that regard, I had to learn to stop trying to fix everything because in fixing things I was making more work for everyone else.  And I still wasn’t fixing what needed to be fixed—my shitty attitude and propensity to cut people out.  Also the proclivity toward rejecting responsibility that others thought was mine—in some cases it legitimately wasn’t (like if you have a problem with my husband, you need to take it up with him, do not use me assuming I will manage his behavior).  Guilt is not a good motivator and it leads us to do some crazy things through clouding our judgement.  This is where the question of whether or not I’m a good person comes in and those relatively recent events I mentioned with several other relationships. 

My home is filled with evidence of my friends, of people who clearly understand me in the form of little gifts and keep sakes.  They see the nuances that make me, me and they’ve seemingly supported that.  They were there for some of those moments I took life too seriously and was over-dramatic and seeking attention and they still stuck around to help me fix things.  But when things started getting out of hand, they never once approached me to tell me what I was doing bothered them—or what it even was.  So that raised the other question for me that if someone is so generous with their time and effort, does that automatically make them good?  How much do we owe people who give us things but still treat us like crap?  How do we keep relationships with people who are kind but don’t care?  When I started to get my health back, I faced a lot of shit from the group up to and including them being at my house every day after work wanting to drink while I was working on giving up alcohol and working out.  And they gave me shit for it.  But when the other neighbors decided to do the same, that individual was praised to high hell and respected.  They trashed my business to potential customers while supporting the other person’s business as well.  So was this ego on my part, or some type of jealousy?  When I lost family, I was basically told sorry that sucks while when others lost family, people rallied around them.  How would I not notice that and question the relationship?  Are those the types of relationships we try to fix?  Do I somehow owe them something because of the closeness we used to share?

No one is perfect and I certainly never claimed to be.  But I am well aware of the mess that happens when trying to put things back together.  I know the energy and effort of picking up all the pieces and squeezing them as tight as we can just hoping things will somehow go back to how they were before. Over correcting something can make it all the worse.  I have been overly accountable for things in my life, perhaps as a sort of penance for my personal life, and I have a great appreciation for those who also take accountability. It’s only when we communicate openly and acknowledge where things went wrong, no matter where they went wrong, that we can get to the root and fix it.  And, as much as I hate to admit it, there are certain things that just can’t be fixed.  No amount of will is going to correct it.  Just because something falls apart doesn’t mean we are somehow wrong or unworthy—sometimes it has simply run its course and we have played our part in it—our part is finished.  There are infinite stories in this universe and we only get to tell one of them and, in living that experience, we will all step in some shit every now and then.  We just can’t blame the person closest to us for putting it in our way.  Sometimes we have to just admit that we didn’t see it, clean it up, and move on.  Sometimes we have to let the pieces lie where they are and walk away.  That is no indication of our character.  How we show up after the break says all we need to know, even with little imperfections showing all the way.  So maybe it isn’t about being a good person.  Maybe it’s just about accepting that little bit of dark we all have and giving it a chance to see the light.     

“The great thing about being [here] is that no one judges you for doing nothing, it’s practically an art form,” said by the character Mindy Chen.  I jumped on the band wagon (again a bit late to the trends but it’s still a band wagon nonetheless) and started watching “Emily in Paris”.  I love how simple things convey some of the most important messages.  It’s common sense we all live life in different ways.  Different cultures, different ideas of how to live and it’s a beautiful thing as we capture all the different facets of life and different ways to make life matter.  For those who haven’t seen the show, we have an American transplant unexpectedly learning to navigate Paris and getting a lot of life lessons on how to assimilate to a new culture. To experience different ways of life is the only way to really understand what life is like.  We take vacations to get little snippets of all the possibilities in the world but even that we approach with our American idea of what vacation is supposed to be and we think we can learn all our lessons about the world in 5 days.  We have this insane idea that our entire lives must be done on a schedule and that our worth is determined by how much we do.  Other cultures understand that learning about other ways of life establish connection whereas we approach it as some sort of conquest.  Our lifestyle promotes faster, conquest, more, bigger, stronger, and building our own empires. 

Real life is all about connection.  Not the networking type of connection where we only look at the value of someone for what they can do.  Sure, there’s a natural component of networking with people but there’s also the actual relationship we form that goes beyond.  The soul connections.  So it comes down to learning that there are other ways to do things.  And sometimes we don’t have to do anything.  We spend a lot of time moving because we feel we have to keep moving.  Other cultures really take their time and value their time and the experience of life and forming relationships and they know that in order to do that, we have to have a relationship with ourselves as well and we need to honor and recognize our own time.  That means knowing when to stop.  The reference in the quote is exactly that: in France, with life coming first, no one notices if you have to disappear for a while and if you have to take some time off.  They don’t pull the weekend warrior routine where they are so focused on work during the week that their time off is spent on all the other things in their personal life as if their personal if is something that needs to fit in between the work.  They build their lives and work to support that, not the other way around where work defines them.  Savoring life IS life.  The savoring is where we find joy and joy begets more joy.  Sometimes less is more and slowing down, we can certainly see more.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard a quote about Europeans savoring the time spent doing nothing—it was referenced in “Eat, Pray, Love” and it is in those moments of quiet and doing nothing that we find peace.  We come back to ourselves.  It’s completely uncomfortable to transition to doing nothing after moving all the time but if we learn to question the value of that moving and what the moving serves then we see how a little discomfort to re-regulate the nervous system really matters.  I’ve never understood why we place such a high value on buzzing about and completing the never ending to-do list.  When we’re kids we don’t worry about all that needs to be done—we focus on doing what is right in front of us at the time.  Sure, we may flit from thing to thing but we do it out of natural progression and curiosity, building our experiences through joy.  That curiosity and drive is chipped away as we are taught that all our time must be spent working toward something.  We take life far too seriously in many ways.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t have goals, I’m just saying balancing those goals requires the same level of care-free following our instincts sometimes.  It’s important to learn to do nothing so something can come of it.               

People may see us as living the dream but it might be the furthest thing from the truth.  It may look like we have everything we want but sometimes we don’t know what we want or don’t want until we get it.  I know I was trained to think that was selfish.  If we got something good in our lives it was automatically to be taken with gratitude and we must nurture it even if it wasn’t fully a seed we planted.  Sure there are things we are given in life that we must handle with care even if it isn’t of our own cultivating but there are certain things it’s ok to say, “this isn’t want I asked for, I do not need to put my energy toward it any longer.”  If we know dep down that the life we are living isn’t want we want, it’s ok to step aside and step toward what we really DO want.  Personally, I’ve watched people walk away from what I thought was my dream life.  I was so angry when they’d so casually get what I wanted, sometimes the very thing I was working for, and they seemed to treat it with such blatant disrespect, it pissed me off.  But I’ve also been on the side of things where my life (or facets of my life) were someone else’s dream and I knew it wasn’t what I wanted so I walked away—and those people were just as confused and angry with me for doing it as I was when I witnessed the same in others.  Our dream/ideal situation isn’t necessarily what others would want for themselves.  And that’s ok.    

It’s ok to give up what doesn’t work for us to crate the life that gives us meaning.  Someone else’s dream isn’t our responsibility and us trying to stick with something that isn’t aligned with our truth because someone else would want that opportunity isn’t going to do either person any favors.  We’ll feel resentment because we aren’t living our purpose and that can lead to resentment toward that person as well.  And if we don’t treat that dream with care, that person may end up resenting us because we take for granted something they want for themselves.  The other side to this is that sometimes we don’t know what our dream is until we get out there.  I’d found myself in a situation with work that I thought I asked for.  I had a project I loved, something I considered my baby because I was able to develop it for a long time.  The short version is, it turned out to be a nightmare.  Anyone would have said it was dream work simply looking at it from the outside—and I did love the work—but the truth is the effort to even prove the value at the end of the day to “the people that mattered” was too much because they had their own vision for what they THOUGHT it was rather than what the actual potential was.  So why stay forcing something to breathe that is, not only determined to die/someone is determined to kill, but that takes the very breath out of me with it?

The point is, a dream for some is a nightmare to others so we need to approach our lives wide awake.  Dismantling something we’ve invested time in is terrifying and confusing.  We question ourselves along the way, unsure of who we are because we were the ones who jumped in to build that life in the first place.  But the truth is this: it’s better to put the oxygen mask on now and bail so we can land where we were meant to be than it is to keep foraging for food on barren ground where we know we just aren’t sustained.  If we need apples and all we have are oranges, the very life in us can die out.  Some people might think that’s selfish but the truth is: it’s life sustaining.  We aren’t meant to thrive on someone else’s dream.  We need to find joy and purpose on our own and if that means breaking down what we had, we have to accept that.  The better the foundation we build, the more authentic the life we live and we won’t need to spend time in that dream state.  We can spend all the time we want living that dream instead.  We find ourselves in building the authentic life we were always meant to have.  It means doing things differently, openly, honestly and with clear intent and intention and, yes, with awareness.  Just because someone doesn’t understand that what we have doesn’t work for us any longer (even if we spent a lot of time building that first version) doesn’t mean we have to keep going with it.  We are always allowed the chance to build something new, something meant for us.  The universe demands we do because it will feel off until we build the life we are meant to have.  So wake up, get honest, get building.  The live we’re meant to have is waiting for us to do the work right here and now.  Get started.