Work/Wish

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We get what we work for, not what we wish for.  I honestly used to hate sayings like that.  I work every day—we all work every day.  We just don’t always get to do the work we want to be doing for the million, myriad, mountain of reasons I’ve discussed here over the years.  We are made to feel obligated to do a certain type of work, to live a certain type of life, and when we don’t fit in we are guilted for not doing what we should have in the first place.  We set such a double standard in this society—we are both liable and responsible for our downfall but somehow success is based on luck—and if we aren’t successful in the things we want to do it’s our own fault but if we aren’t successful in what we are “supposed” to do, we are failures.  After having some time off, I’ve been thinking about this a bit differently.  It isn’t how hard we work, it’s the work we do toward what we want that makes it happen.

The work we are told to do will never fully get us the life we are looking for.  The work we are meant to do will never live up to the standards of what we are told we need.  There is validity in the opening quote but I don’t believe it is in making people feel guilty for things falling apart.  We have created a society where no one quite fits in because the top is reserved for the few.  We can’t blame people for putting in all the work and not getting where they want to be when the table only has so many spaces.  It’s time to re-evaluate that system entirely but that is a piece for another day. 

The nice part about the opening quote is this: we have the opportunity to change what we are doing at any time.  The only time not getting what we want becomes our fault is when we awaken to a new opportunity and don’t take it.  I’ve been there.  I waited for permission for years, I begged for years, I worked for years on things that I had no interest in because I sought some time of recognition and power.  As soon as I realized I didn’t give a shit about that, I saw things a different way.  Not that I have the answer, I just don’t feel guilty in the same way I did, I don’t feel like a failure for not succeeding in a system designed to making me fail.

We do get what we work for in the regard we are able to see results from the things we direct our energy toward.  We can wish for something and wait for it, or we can execute a plan to make it happen.  Most of the time things don’t turn out the way we hope they will or the way we envision them, however, we are able to turn ourselves in the right direction and see something perhaps even better.  We will at least be heading toward what we need instead of repeating what we are told.  It’s about directing the energy toward what we want, toward our purpose.  That is when the doors open to things we couldn’t previously see.  There is opportunity everywhere.

As We Are

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“It’s time to say goodbye to your fears and build a life that reflects who you really are,” via spiritdaughter.  All this time I thought I lacked focus and drive, that I was losing my mind to my ADHD.  The truth is I just wasn’t living the life I wanted, MY life.  As soon as I started doing the things I wanted to with my time, I was no longer waiting for life to begin.  That’s the truth.  I would build myself up, do what I wanted in my “off time” and then repeat the pattern the next day.  Always waiting for the time I was “allowed” to do what I wanted.  If I needed longer hours at work, the things I wanted to do would come last. 

Putting time into who you are and making the things you love doing a priority is how we get closer to who we really are.  We HAVE to be a priority.  We’ve talked about it before, I know it feels counterintuitive that in order to be of any good to anyone else, we have to fill our cups first.  But it’s true.  We need to find what brings us joy so we can live a more authentic life and allow that to flow into other people.  This is about letting go of the old ideas we had about who we are supposed to be and entering an age of simply embracing who we are.  We’ve given the old way enough time and we see now that it is no longer working, that we can sustain a new way of being.  We are asking for it.  But that is the point: we are asking permission to live how we are really meant to.

We all know it.  We all know we are looking for something different but we aren’t quite sure how to do it because it hasn’t been done before.  We see new paradigms coming in every day: new ways of making money, new ways of helping people, new ways of showing that life can be different.  We DON’T NEED PERMISSION TO BE WHO WE ARE.  The more we simply be, the more we shift into new possibilities about what is important, the more we shift the standard of what we can do, what life can look like, what we prioritize, the more other people will do it as well.  NOW is the time to be that person.  The person we needed when we were little is the same person we need now.  Be who you are meant to be. 

My Story

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Last year I shared about losing my child.  We knew early on in the pregnancy that something was not right but we didn’t know until near the end of my first trimester that the baby would not be viable.  Hearing those words, that my child would not live, struck a chord I’ve never felt before.  It was a combination of shock and relief—that explained all of my symptoms, all of the pain, everything.  Then it turned to frustration and terror as my doctor told me that they wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy, we had to let it pass naturally because she didn’t perform abortions.  Her job is to protect the pregnancy at all costs, not ensure my health.  Ironic, right? In order for me to produce a viable, healthy pregnancy, you’d think I would need to be healthy.

I spent weeks in the doctor’s office, creating breaks at work, dealing with more vaginal exams than I’d had since my first pregnancy, wands and probes in and out, vomiting up the nothing I ate every few minutes, dealing with multiple infusions, weekly Moncels up the vagina and finally a cauterization to stop the bleeding. I was awake for that procedure, just numbed via an epidural to the back.  oh, and insurance told me I couldn’t get any more anti-nausea medication because I “went through it too quickly” so my days were spent in absolute misery.  All while working full time.  And all of that to no avail.  The baby would not make it.  It wasn’t growing, the heart rate was always too low, I was losing blood all the time.  All to be told I had to hang on and see what my body would do.  It was the slowest, most torturous wait of my life.  EVERY day I got worse.  EVERY day I was told I would feel better soon because my body would pass it naturally.

Finally, I had to make the decision I never wanted to.  My living son desperately needed my attention, I had work to do, a household to support, and things I wanted to do—I could not sit there and wait for this to get better knowing it wouldn’t.  Knowing no one else would help me. I discussed everything with my husband every day.  He watched me decline daily and he agreed that our next step was to terminate.  He knew my body couldn’t go through this any longer and neither could my mind.  So we scheduled an appointment to get an abortion with my physician’s knowledge.

I know I don’t need to justify this decision but I remember writing about it initially as both a method of coping yet trying to make sure no one thought ill of me.  All while going through this horrible experience, still worrying about what this may do to my “reputation.”  Who cares?  At the end of the day, no one else was affected but the core group around me as they offered support and love.  And truthfully, I know it was the best decision to make because the moment it was done, it was like a light switch for the life in me again.  Although a life had been taken out of me, MY life came back in.  I was able to eat within an hour of the procedure.  The color came back to my face.  I could feel my body again.  The bleeding stopped within a day. I felt like a human again in an instant. 

I don’t wish that experience on anyone and I will never condemn anyone for having to make this decision whether it is for medical reasons or for personal.  The point is to remember you have the right to do as you wish with your body.  You have the right to decide what is right for you.  No one gets to pull that from us.  They may think they can but we will find ways to make this happen.  We will find ways to help each other and keep ourselves whole.          

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to be a woman.  The disheartening climate of the world right now does not stop me from embracing the joy I feel in my body, in who I am, in who I identify as, and what I am biologically.  I will not feel shame in the things my body can do and I will not feel shame in deciding what to do with my body. 

Today I am grateful to take chances.  My husband and I discussed the decision of Roe V. Wade and the impact it means.  My husband mentioned how everyone are sheep and go with what they are told and I knew I had to share that piece yesterday, and I will be sharing more of my story coming up.  I had so carefully filtered what happened when I shared the loss of my child last year, but I am not going to hide behind the truth of what happened.  It is too important and too many people’s lives are at stake now.  The sovereignty of our own bodies is at stake as well as our mental health.  I was terrified to share what I wrote, but the words poured out of me.  It’s time to break that yoke of imagined control and step into who we are.

Today I am grateful for making things happen.  We’ve envisioned the ability to do things as a family since I found out I was pregnant with our son.  We have worked hard and we are beyond blessed to be able to do some of those things now.  One of them is putting in a pool for us.  It’s nothing fancy, just a temporary steel frame.  But it means the world to me because of what we have envisioned doing together.  We worked in the yard nearly all afternoon, digging and leveling and making it all come together.  I’ve said it before, I always appreciate the team work my husband and I find in projects like this.  It was a long afternoon, and a lot of work, and yes, even painful, but it is so worth it.

Today I am grateful for strength.  All kinds of strength.  Physical to do the work we did today.  Mental strength to live this life.  Emotional strength to see the big picture.  And strength of character.  To know when we do wrong and when we need to stand firm.  To know who we are and to create something better.  To take care of ourselves and others.  To know when we need to do the right thing even if it’s the hard thing.  To simply be human.  To express our humanity and embrace it in ourselves and others. 

Today I am grateful to make strides.  Sharing the words I did yesterday was a pivot point in my life.  I am grateful for every moment of alignment with who I am.  For every reminder to stand firmly in who I want to be, in who I am.  It is something I need to remind myself to do every day because I have a lot of years of training to the contrary.  I am grateful to drop the cloak and the weight of what I wore as an identity and be comfortable in the rawness, the bareness of who I am.  Do the things that make you come alive.

Today I am grateful for reminders to continue on that path.  I read a quote, “Sometimes we tolerate the destructive patterns of others because we are afraid to lose them, not understanding that tolerating them will cause us to lose ourselves.”  I tolerated a life time of being told what worked for me and fulfilling what other people needed.  I am grateful to be reminded to give myself grace as I break those patterns and to always try again.  Each time I remind myself is a reminder that you, too, need to prioritize yourself. Life isn’t something to tolerate, it is something to experience and if that experience isn’t joyful, find one that is. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.  

Roe V. Wade

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I had to take a beat after hearing the decision to overturn Roe V. Wade and really gather my thoughts.  I cannot believe that we have to have this conversation again.  I can’t believe I have to use the word “again” when it comes to discussing a woman’s right to bodily autonomy.  There are so many things in the last 10 years that I never thought I would see in my lifetime that at some point I feel almost desensitized to it.  Believe me, I’m not actually desensitized, I just have lost that element of surprise when someone tries to enforce some new type of control over my life—or anyone else’s for that matter.  So instead of whining and bitching about this, I’ve decided it’s time to do something. 

  1. Abortion is not a political issue or a religious issue—it is a medical issue so get your God Damn opinions and words out of my uterus.  I am more than capable of knowing what is best for me and MY circumstances and I do NOT need your permission to make ANY kind of decision regarding my body
  2. My body is not for legislation. I am a living breathing being and the point of politics has turned from ensuring and managing societal safety to some fucked up illusion of power and Handmaid tale-ing 50% of the population. If you feel you can legislate women’s bodies, then men need to be equally regulated.  That’s right, boys.  I am calling for this to no longer be an option.  You are equally responsible in producing a child so it’s time to step up.  More to come on that shortly.
  3. Women: DO NOT REMAIN SILENT IN THIS FOR ANY REASON.  Share your stories.  Share systems of support.  Share different means of access to healthcare and educate each other.  This is something that has crossed every boundary of religious or political beliefs, it has crossed the boundaries of race and ethnicity, it has crossed the boundaries of socioeconomic status.  We are ALL UNITED IN THIS.  Stand firm, stand tall, stand together.  Get Vocal and Loud and DEMAND what we have every right to: our minds and bodies.
  4. It is time to definitively and completely draw the line in the sand and demand what we are entitled to.  I hereby create Elizabeth’s Law stating that every piece of legislation surrounding bodily autonomy need apply to both biological genders and all parties need to be held accountable in any situation that results of any kind of pregnancy (ectopic, uterine, IVF, surrogate) through any type of relationship (one night stand, rape, marriage, incest, infidelity, consensual, friends with benefits, and any other type of union that may result in pregnancy).  This care is to include health of the mother during pregnancy, access to medical care (including mental health access) for the mother during and after pregnancy, care for the CHILD after it is born (not just as a developing embryo or fetus) including any special needs that may result, any specific medical care the child may need including mental health access, day care, education, food, clothing, etc.  This law states that, if women are denied access to basic medical care, men no longer have access to medications designed to improve/stimulate sexual performance and all marketing for such products needs to cease immediately. This law states hormonal forms of birth control be available to men. This law states that if healthcare is being determined by the government, said government need assume all responsibility for all facets of health care for all citizens in order to control the idea that they are simply trying to control women.       
  5. I call for all women to make their OWN version of this law.  I want to see everyone share this, under everyone’s name.  I want to see women pissed off and standing together and taking charge of what we never needed permission for in the first place.  Start as small as you need to but start.  Make it clear that THIS IS NOT OK.  If your partner is in favor of this atrocity of a decision, then close access to what they mistake as theirs and stop sleeping with them.  Stop stroking their egos which mistakenly make them think their power lies between their legs and mistakenly makes them think they have the right to dictate what happens between ours.
  6. If you have the ability to donate to causes, donate (see below). If you have the ability to rally, rally.  If you have the ability to serve in any clinic still functioning, serve.   

Women, do not give up hope.  Do not believe that all is lost because that is what this system is hoping for.  They are hoping we will tuck our tails in defeat and quietly acquiesce to their will.  Do not give up hope.  Do not give up anything.  This is a reclaiming, my beautiful sisters.  THIS IS THE AWAKENING.

TO DONATE:

Planned Parenthood (they are matching all donations dollar for dollar up to $250,000):

Abortion Funds (National network of abortion funds):

https://abortionfunds.org/

For Access to Abortion Pills (prior to need or in need—for advance provision of pills a donation is required):

https://www.womenonweb.org/en/survey/21244/advance-provision-of-abortion-pills

https://www.womenonweb.org/en/i-need-an-abortion

Chancing The Shot

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“You’ve got to take your shot.  You have to live on the edge of your capability.  You’ve got to live where you’re almost certain you’re going to fail.  That’s the reason for practice.  Practice is controlled failure.  Getting to your limit, getting to your limit.  You can’t lift that.  You can’t do that.  Until you get to the point you CAN,”  Via sportscenter. On the heels of yesterday’s conversation, I found this quote.  It’s a beautiful reminder that we need to keep pushing to experience growth.  It’s never comfortable to learn something on the other side of who we are.  But if there is something calling you, then you need to answer.  We can do so much more than we think we can.  We CAN have a positive impact on people.  We can change people’s lives.  We can change how they view life.

Start with how we view ourselves.  If we see limits, if we see obstacles, if we see the course we are supposed to follow and only go that route, we will never break out of the rut we create.  We will live the same day for our entire lives and wonder what happened in the end.  We will wonder what we missed out on through having done what we were told we were supposed to do.  Sometimes the revolution starts in our mind.  It starts with the thought, “does it really have to be this way?”  We see how we got here, and we know it doesn’t feel right, that there is something more.  We know.  There is more outside of what we are told this life is.  That’s when we wonder if we have been aiming for the wrong thing.  We can take the shot for something else.  We pivot and take aim for something new.         

This is why it is SO important to find who we are.  This is why it is so important to love who we are.  This is why it is so important to be authentic.  Not the false bravado of who we are supposed to be, but the real person inside underneath what we are told to do.  We have this knowing and we are trained to ignore it in favor of what we are told is safe and predictable.  People, we can lose anything at any time because NOTHING in this world is guaranteed.  The only thing we have is now.  As we feel that pull, that calling, the heat and fire build within us until we ignite like a flame and that light becomes so bright, it ignites those around us as well.  It isn’t selfish.  It isn’t weird to not fit in—we were never designed to fit in.  We were only designed to be who we are and we feel lost and hopeless when we feel the split between who we are and who they tell us to be.  Reconcile that so you always know the difference.

Build your confidence through small steps toward who you are.  Get comfortable in that new skin and trying those new things.  The more comfortable you are in that person, in that version of yourself, the more natural it feels.  It takes practice, truly.  I’ve been talking about it for years.  I’ve gone back and forth, close to the edge of fully diving in and then running away.  But I will tell you nothing feels better than actively being the person I am meant to be.  There is nothing to wear, no armor against people’s opinions, no shields against judgement.  That will happen no matter what you do so put down the extra weight and simply wear the shield of being who you are—nothing else matters.  Take your shot and allow the greatness that is you to flow through.  One day you won’t be talking about it, you will be living it because suddenly, after all the work and practice, you CAN.

So Serious

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I’ve always been afraid if I didn’t take life seriously I wouldn’t get anywhere.  I’ve always been self-conscious about my height because that is the first thing people see and that is the first thing they make their judgement on.  I’ve literally been told, “You look like a little business woman” by people in my field.  I am almost 40 years old.  I am exhausted trying to make people see me for who I am or to have a certain perception of me so I can feel good about myself.  It has sucked the joy out of my life.  But with this time off, I’ve realized I can literally experience joy and happiness right now.  Have fun now.  Love now.  Cuddle my son now.  Time moves fast enough and waiting for joy or being serious hoping to find joy later only puts life on pause now. 

This week has been joyous, and blessedly, divinely slow.  Time has slowed down.  It feels delicious.  This is what I’ve envisioned forever—the days spent in happiness, experiencing what time has to offer while guiding the ship.  Taking control of our (my family’s) day instead of waiting for life to happen has made things happen.  I used to seek comfort at all costs—do I know I need to seek do-ing.  That is where living is.  Actually experiencing life.  It’s in the doing.  And that slows time too.  All we have is now so fuck anyone’s opinion on who you are or how you life your life. 

Be joyous NOW.  Anyone who stops you is lacking in some way.  Don’t waste a second waiting for things to get better—figure out how to make them better through what works for you.  Put life in your da.  Love in your day.  Joy in your day because not feeling those things drains the life right out of you.  I’ve lived my life literally on my toes because of how many people hated my joy or expected me to be a certain way.  Calling me a bimbo or saying I’m too loud. None of those people were there at my lowest, they didn’t see the blood welling on my wrists and I still wasn’t good enough for them whether at the bottom or the top.  They didn’t like me when I hated myself either. 

As a child I learned people liking you was the only way you were worthy.  But they hated me at either end of the spectrum, either joyful or depressed.  That is what happens when you look for outside validation—your happiness is predicated on other people’s perceptions and if they are miserable, no matter what you do will never be enough.  Your joy/my joy triggers their lack of it so they lash out and tell you how you should really be.  The truth is, I’ve always loved life.  I only got serious because of how people perceived me and I thought I needed their permission to live.  That is years wasted in misery, all hoping someone would like me.  Now I just want what brings me happiness. Not things but moments that I feel joy.  Dancing with my son, writing, crafting, reading, building, creating, learning, hanging out with our animals, going to the park or the pool, seeing my son experience things for the first time.

I woke up knowing that is the healing work I have to do for myself as well.  I need to relish those experiences as well and not be ashamed.  I am allowed to experience love and life.   And that is the healing work I have to do for myself as well: stop making my son be a little version of me, also “perfect” to an adults perception and quiet and praised for how well he listens.  I can stop making him behave a certain way, stop choking the fun out of him (the same thing that happened to me) and let him have his experiences, his joy.  That is the child I need to heal—him and me. 

Bottom line, living as I have been brings me little joy.  Filling my day with bullshit at working, waiting for praise, basing my worth on praise, buying things I think will make me happy because it gives me a sense of control, never savoring the moment to really experience it, always rushing through it, always living surface to check off the experience rather than really diving into it (ie, glossing through books rather than learning and applying the lesson).  I’ve been buying things to feel joy instead of DOING what brings me joy.  We can’t buy happiness, especially if we are lacking something.  I’ve been waiting for the right time or the right place to feel joy.  Wearing a façade wherever I go.  I’m ready to actually live—my way, my purpose.  As I am meant to—joyfully and LOUD and honest.  Fully who I am.  Living on my heels, grounded in ME over on my toes, hopping to the next thing for someone else.

Nonsense

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    “Get honest with people about who you are, what you want, and how you expect to be treated.  Standards only scare off people not meant for you,” Via sisgetyourshittogether.  There comes a time when patterns repeat for too long and you know you have no choice but to make a different decision.  I’ve reached such a point in my life on several things, mainly about how I deal with fear.  We all logically know that we can’t change how people behave or what they decide to do-that has to come from them.  When people show you who they are repeatedly, believe them.  There are certain behaviors that simply waste time and energy and if there are other things you need to do with your life, you can’t stay stuck in the cycle of someone else’s nonsense.

With that being said, you can’t stay stuck in the cycle of your own nonsense either.  If you constantly violate and betray our own standards and boundaries, you won’t be clear in what you want, either.  You won’t be clear in intention and purpose and you’ll constantly fold.  Ultimately that becomes a betrayal to yourself because you’re not living up to the potential and life you may have envisioned for yourself.  That turns into not fulfilling your purpose.  Looking for things to satisfy us externally doesn’t work.  Looking for external validation doesn’t work.  Honesty and authenticity are the drivers to find who we are and what we need to do. 

My version of nonsense is the fear that I mentioned earlier.  It stops me from doing what I need to do, it stops me from doing what I want to do, it creates guilt around doing what I want to do, and it creates anxiety about making the decision about what to do.  I have a certain pattern I fall into when I feel stressed or when I’m trying to change something and it’s that I go through a phase where I think a certain thing will make me happy or a certain book will hold the answer or buying something to organize my life will “fix” me.  I impulse buy and then feel guilty when I figure out what I actually wanted to do was an experience rather than buying things.  Now, some of the things I’ve done impulsively have actually worked out quite well.  Others I think would have gone better had I committed fully.  Some have been mistakes—I’m human.  But the common thing in all the impulse is that it was in response to fear and I felt like I could make a decision in that moment rather than just sit on it.

So reconciling that fear means pausing long enough to understand what I’m really looking for instead of jumping in the moment.  If that moment calls for me to jump, then that is what I should do, but I can no longer jump simply because I need to move my body.  I’m satisfying an itch that isn’t really there.  Fear and excitement and nervousness are all closely linked when it comes to what the body feels.  So if we can literally move through that feeling, we can better identify what our need is in that moment.  The more we get used to doing that the better able we are to get clear on who we are, what we want, what we need, what we are meant to do, and yes, how we expect to be treated.    

The beauty of honesty is knowing that we are finally aligned with our purpose and ourselves.  We can start at any time.  We just have to be willing to really hear it and let go of what we know in order to allow what is meant for us.  That helps us keep our boundaries when it comes to our own habits and even more so when it comes to how people treat us and what we will or will not tolerate in any kind of relationship.  I don’t profess this is easy, but promise it is worth it.  I’m proud of the work I’ve done in recognizing these things about myself and I look forward to moving on to the next level. 

Rabbit Medicine

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I mentioned earlier in the week that we brought home a rabbit and I need to elaborate on the significance of that for me.  First of all, I’ve always loved rabbits.  I’m a total geek for the cute little fuzzies and I’ve had small rodents my entire life (guinea pigs, hamsters, chinchillas).  One of my sisters had a rabbit when I was a kid and I always wanted one of my own.  My husband and I actually were looking for a bunny after we got married when we ended up rescuing chinchillas so we never had a rabbit in the house.  Second, when I was roughly 10 years old, I was spending time with my oldest sister and she drew my Medicine Cards for me and a rabbit is part of my totem.  At 10, I had a connection with the animal but I didn’t understand the significance of the positioning in this totem.  Now that so many years have passed, I know that this medicine is absolutely part of who I am. Third, this bunny in particular was absolutely meant to be in our lives.  In my gratitude post, I mentioned we had seen him a while back and I’m talking like six months back.  He was still there.  I feel terrible I didn’t take him then.

The universe has ways of connecting us to the medicine we need and it has ways of connecting us to the parts of who we are that need healing or that we simply need reminding ARE a part of us.  The day before we brought the rabbit home, I had been at my sister’s house and they also have a bunny.  During that visit (for my niece’s birthday celebration), I found myself overwhelmed.  My sister had been upstairs with the kids and right as I was getting really uncomfortable she came down and said the rabbit got under her dresser and she couldn’t get him (her dresser is in his little running area—he can’t get hurt and he wasn’t totally loose).  I went upstairs alone and went into the room.  He was out from under the dresser by the time I got in there but he didn’t run from me.  I walked in his pen and picked him up.  He had been running from the littles and was still nervous when my sister was there, but as I sat alone with the bunny, he completely relaxed in my arms. And so did I. 

I connected with this animal and felt his breathing and heart rate slow as I pet him and comforted him as best I could.  He comforted me as well.  The tension I felt a few minutes earlier evaporated as I connected with this bunny.  My breathing and heart rate slowed as well and we just chilled there for a while.  I realized that the tension I was feeling was brought on by myself.  I didn’t share that story with anyone.  But the very next day, my husband drove out to the animal place we know and we found this rabbit still there.  He was totally meant to be with me.  Normally I have huge anxiety when it comes to bringing in animals to my house—and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t go back and forth about the bunny (it took us over two hours to decide if we were going to bring him home)—but once the decision was made, I felt zero anxiety or nerves.  We welcomed this big guy in and he will be safe with us.  Just as I created my own safety, he reminds me that fearful things/creatures can be brave as well.  He is my medicine. 

The Howl

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 I have a really short note about something I saw the other day.  I watched a movie recently with a highly organized, slightly uptight, single woman went on a trip and she had a moment of joy so pure she started howling with excitement.  She took a chance on something she thought was really risky and dangerous and ended up feeling release and joy in what she was doing.  It was guttural and uncontrollable—a moment of complete connection to where she was at and feeling alive doing something unexpected and new.  The howl is a connection to our completeness of who we are.  it is being entirely alive in the moment, the adrenaline running and the absolute clarity of presence.  When I saw the scene, I immediately wanted that feeling.  Similar to “finding your golf,” I want to find that level of clarity and aliveness.

The howl represented a release of everything she thought she had to control.  I want that level of awakening.  In the end, she still didn’t get what she thought she needed, she got what she actually needed.  Things don’t always go according to plan.  They don’t always turn out how we think they should.  But if we can awaken and allow the presence of the moment to flow through us, we can find that connection to what we need and things will actually be how they are meant to be.  So in addition to finding that thing that brings joy, I also want to find that thing that makes me come alive.  We all need that thing that makes us come alive.  That makes us howl.