Happy Halloween All!!

Today I am grateful for my health.  I woke up at 10PM with a coughing fit the other night.  I went to the bathroom to not wake up the family and it wouldn’t stop.  I went on the couch and it just wouldn’t stop…deep, painful coughs.  My son hasn’t been well so I really didn’t want to wake him up.  I tried to go down stairs and I slipped on the first step, bending my foot beneath me and I fell.  I ended up breaking three toes.  Not the most devastating injury, but painful nonetheless.  I’ve had broken toes before and I knew how to treat it and I will say I am proud of my body’s resilience.  I’ve put myself through so much hell over the years and abused this vessel…and it still stands strong and heals.  I am so happy that it wasn’t worse.  It gave me a reason to remember that I need to take care of myself in order to stay strong and fulfill what I am here to do.

Today I am grateful for nature—it was a PERFECT day.  This may seem so cliché but I’m going to be “that girl” for a second.  So many things change, so fast, and seeing it happen as fall has fully taken over always reminds me of that.  It also reminds me that I don’t fear the changing of the season, so maybe I don’t need to fear the changes in my own life.  When I talk about the chaos that has been happening around me (and in me) for the last few months, I’m not exaggerating when I say I don’t know if I feel at ease about much, really.  So when I sit in my office and am able to watch the trees blowing in the wind on an absolutely stunning day, settled where I am and feeling safe in the moment, I feel so connected.  Not just to myself, but to all of nature.  I see I am part of the cycle. 

Today I am grateful for setting boundaries.  So often in my life I’ve allowed myself to be the victim because I’m the small girl and I’ve been self-conscious enough that I didn’t allow myself to express who I was and what I am really capable of.  I didn’t believe in myself enough to stand firmly in who I am and I gave in too many times to what other people told me I should be doing.  I have some amazing friends and I know they truly care but they have a tendency to steamroll me when it comes to my child.  Today I was completely in tune with my child and I knew what we were doing and I knew what I wanted our first Halloween in two years to look like—and he was on the same page.  My friends interfered quite a bit because they wanted him to have the “right” gloves and the “right” trick or treat bag.  I literally looked at them and told them, “We know what we are doing,” and we went on our way.  Again, I love these people and appreciate what they do, but this is something I do not need them to help with.  I am capable on all levels of having fun with my child, and I can trust who I am to be a good mother.  Zero regrets.

Today I am grateful for a beautiful time with my son.  We had the most AMAZING day together.  The weather was perfect, we dressed up, he ran from house to house LOVING everything about it.  He looked at me and said, “This is the best day ever!  I love Halloween.  Thank you for taking me trick-or-treating!”  My heart swelled and I knew I was doing a good job.  We got home, made some pizza, I gave him a bath, and we were just totally on the same page together.  THIS is what I love about being a mom.  This is what I love about spending time with my son.  This is what I love about remembering how to find joy—kids know it so well and it felt great to be a part of that.

Today I am grateful for reminders of joy.  As I said above, kids know how to find joy and we all need to remember that every now and then.  Seeing the entire neighborhood swarming with kids reminded me of something I haven’t seen since childhood.  Seeing all of the neighbors out and talking with each other just enjoying being together felt like home.  Seeing life again, seeing so much joy, seeing so much happiness solidified exactly what I’ve been missing.  There is so much life that happens when we let it. 

Remember to let it happen!! Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead!

“So much of life is spent saying ‘Pick me, please chose me, pick me, pick me.’  What if we stopped waiting to be chosen?” Jen Pastiloff.  I’m seeing now how much we need to champion ourselves.  Society discourages us from protecting ourselves in that we are meant to feed into the system and hope that someone deems us worthy enough to excel and progress.  The truth is we are all worthy and the system will always protect the system.  We need to protect ourselves.  We need to be our own best friend, our own advocates, our own fighter, our own loves.  Life doesn’t happen in the moments someone says, “This is for you.”  It happens in the moments we take for ourselves.  It happens in the moments we create for ourselves.  When we walk outside on a cool fall day, warmed by the sun.  When we say we can’t work today because our minds need a break.

I know how hard this is.  I know how hard it is to set the boundary and take the time for yourself.  I know how the guilt sets in when we stop what we feel we should be doing in order to do what we know we need to do.  When other people rely on you, it feels like a let down if we aren’t there in the capacity to take care of what we are responsible for.  But that is a funny line in itself.  We mistake that we are responsible for people or for outcomes when I reality we are responsible TO them.  Yes, we all have obligations to meet but that doesn’t mean the weight of the outcome is solely on us.  We need to hold up our end, but even then, we need to let people know when we aren’t able to do that.

When it comes to working in the corporate world, we are trained that giving up personal time and getting the job done are the norms.  I’ve been trying to convey a message to my team that it’s a matter of prioritization.  NOT EVERYTHING IS AN EMERGENCY!!  Also an emphatic note that POOR PLANNING doesn’t constitute an emergency, either. In healthcare it’s easy to mistake that because we are trained that everything is important.  That may be true to a degree when we are dealing with people’s lives, but we have to often remind ourselves that not everything is life or death.  There are things that can wait.  The ironic thing is that there is often the hurry and push to get things done but then nothing comes of it for some time.  We are more interested in control than outcomes.  We are trained to sacrifice ourselves for the good of others, hoping we will receive something in the end after a humble, “Just doing my job.”  But the truth is, if you’re gone, they will find someone else to replace you, and that can be said of anywhere.

So take the time.  Set the boundary and do what you need to do for your mental health.  Appreciate yourself and everything you’ve done and know the strength it takes to say, “I need to take care of myself right now.”  It’s ok to forget our training that our families don’t matter either.  Even if we are told that family comes first, taking time off to deal with a family situation is often met with a tone or an air of, “Really?”  The truth is your family needs you more than your job does and you need to be healthy more than you need someone’s approval and praise.  To Pastiloff’s quote, I follow up with her quip, “I get to choose me.”  We don’t need anyone to validate that what we did is “right.”  You get to say what is right for you and we need to normalize that.  I pick me, and I hope you pick you…EVERY time.            

“So much of life is spent saying ‘Pick me, please chose me, pick me, pick me.’  What if we stopped waiting to be chosen?” Jen Pastiloff.  I’m seeing now how much we need to champion ourselves.  Society discourages us from protecting ourselves in that we are meant to feed into the system and hope that someone deems us worthy enough to excel and progress.  The truth is we are all worthy and the system will always protect the system.  We need to protect ourselves.  We need to be our own best friend, our own advocates, our own fighter, our own loves.  Life doesn’t happen in the moments someone says, “This is for you.”  It happens in the moments we take for ourselves.  It happens in the moments we create for ourselves.  When we walk outside on a cool fall day, warmed by the sun.  When we say we can’t work today because our minds need a break.

I know how hard this is.  I know how hard it is to set the boundary and take the time for yourself.  I know how the guilt sets in when we stop what we feel we should be doing in order to do what we know we need to do.  When other people rely on you, it feels like a let down if we aren’t there in the capacity to take care of what we are responsible for.  But that is a funny line in itself.  We mistake that we are responsible for people or for outcomes when I reality we are responsible TO them.  Yes, we all have obligations to meet but that doesn’t mean the weight of the outcome is solely on us.  We need to hold up our end, but even then, we need to let people know when we aren’t able to do that.

When it comes to working in the corporate world, we are trained that giving up personal time and getting the job done are the norms.  I’ve been trying to convey a message to my team that it’s a matter of prioritization.  NOT EVERYTHING IS AN EMERGENCY!!  Also an emphatic note that POOR PLANNING doesn’t constitute an emergency, either. In healthcare it’s easy to mistake that because we are trained that everything is important.  That may be true to a degree when we are dealing with people’s lives, but we have to often remind ourselves that not everything is life or death.  There are things that can wait.  The ironic thing is that there is often the hurry and push to get things done but then nothing comes of it for some time.  We are more interested in control than outcomes.  We are trained to sacrifice ourselves for the good of others, hoping we will receive something in the end after a humble, “Just doing my job.”  But the truth is, if you’re gone, they will find someone else to replace you, and that can be said of anywhere.

So take the time.  Set the boundary and do what you need to do for your mental health.  Appreciate yourself and everything you’ve done and know the strength it takes to say, “I need to take care of myself right now.”  It’s ok to forget our training that our families don’t matter either.  Even if we are told that family comes first, taking time off to deal with a family situation is often met with a tone or an air of, “Really?”  The truth is your family needs you more than your job does and you need to be healthy more than you need someone’s approval and praise.  To Pastiloff’s quote, I follow up with her quip, “I get to choose me.”  We don’t need anyone to validate that what we did is “right.”  You get to say what is right for you and we need to normalize that.  I pick me, and I hope you pick you…EVERY time.

“No one sees what you see, even if they see it too,” via meditationsecrets.  As I thought through the history of my family over the last week or so, I realized that so much of what we have experienced over this lifetime meant something different to each of us.  A few months ago I wrote about this phenomena happening with a really close family member.  I couldn’t understand for the life of me how we both went through the same exact thing but we felt so differently about it and we even remembered it happening differently.  It made me so angry because I KNEW in my heart what happened.  But the truth is, THAT is life.  We form our final opinion and understand events based on our experiences.  So it doesn’t make sense to waste a lot of time trying to make people see things from your point of view.  We can literally go through the exact same thing and we will feel differently about it.

I spent a lot of my life trying to be right and trying to do what I thought was right because my frame of reference was that we are meant to be people pleasers and that it was more important to be right than to connect. Surprise, surprise, where did that get me?  Running in circles, confused, angry, and feeling behind as those unencumbered by someone else’s opinion moved forward. We aren’t meant to chase our dreams with abandon because someone else could get hurt.  I believed that if we were meant to achieve our dreams, we needed to be worthy and that it took all sorts of crazy effort and then we MIGHT be granted the privilege of hitting our goals.

But this isn’t true.  We CAN spend our time like that, trying to be right or trying to make people see things our way but we have the option to simply let go and take our own steps in life based on our own experiences and needs. And with the understanding that multiple existences/experiences can happen at the same time.  It isn’t about being right, it’s about knowing what is right for you.  We don’t need to spend our lives running around the bottom of the mountain telling people where they are wrong and where we are right—we just need to focus on our climb.   

At the end of the day, you will realize that it didn’t matter what other people believed as you were on your journey—it never did.  YOUR journey is what mattered.  We are here to make the most of our lives and our own unique purposes.  We can’t fulfill our purpose if we waste our time worrying about what other people think.  It doesn’t matter.  When you learn to let it lie, you learn grace and acceptance, knowing that the other person may be blocking things out for one reason or another.  You learn to live in the truth of your story and know you are safe there.  Nothing else matters.

“When we tune out the opinions, expectations, and obligations of the world around us we begin to hear ourselves,” Jay Shetty.  Ah, the first step to healing: hearing what is going on within.  I spoke about listening to the voices that come from outside a few weeks ago, hearing what the universe is trying to tell us.  Yesterday I spoke of healing and hearing what is within.  Today solidifies that message.  If we want to heal we have to hear what needs tending to because there isn’t anyone who can tell us what we need to create space for within ourselves.  

We are given signs all over, guiding us and telling us what we need to do.  We will often see them from outside of ourselves as I spoke about in listening to the whispers around us.  From there we will often get inklings within as well.  Not one of those signs will come in the opinions of others.  While it may feel comfortable to do what the “pack” is doing and to align with the herd, the soul knows differently.  The mind and body know what we need, they know our calling and they give us signs in what interests us and what draws us in.  As we learn to accept who we are and when we go all in on what we have to offer the world, the steps reveal themselves.

Making the decision to go within is a radical act of courage.  Everything and every bit of information is available about everyone in this day and age.  Information is available at all times and at the click of a mouse.  We want to put on a show because we have to look our best, look like we have it together at all times.  Taking ourselves out of the performance means that we may be isolated, but it also means we let go of the distraction and the obligation of appearing a certain way.

The bottom line is the world and the way we function in it are changing and we have to look at how we function with each other as well.  Human beings are not meant to fulfill a system—we never have been.  We developed systems to assist with making life easier, but we removed our individuality along with it.  It has turned into us supporting and protecting a system rather than protecting and developing people. 

We have to do what it takes to quiet the noise.  We are meant to set our own expectations and adapt to the ever changing world around us.  We are meant to work in tandem with what the world has to offer as well as what the world needs.  We aren’t here to simply take what we can get, we need to be able to reciprocate and we do that by offering and sharing our natural gifts.  And we hear our gifts by turning inward.  And throw in the energy of being healed, and we can go even further.  It’s like adjusting the frequency on the radio—the more we heal, the sharper the signal, the clearer the message.  Eliminate the distraction, the better we can hear that message as well.  Do what you can to make sure you’re hearing what is meant for you.    

“Reminder: A healed woman is powerful.  A focused man is dangerous” via ecommerce mentor. The theme I seem to be on this week is addressing and healing the wounds left for us before we even got here.  This is perfect and something we all need to be reminded of.  Looking at generational trauma wasn’t something I considered much previously.  I mean, yes, I’ve noticed patterns and I’ve chalked a lot of my decisions/actions up to genetics and the environment I was raised in, but I didn’t consider the impact of someone else’s life experiences on me—especially because they happened before me.  Then again, it only makes sense.  They learned to live based on their experiences and that is what they passed down.  So healing those wounds is a lot of work.  When we don’t know how those wounds started in the first place it can be even more challenging.

When it comes to the generational stuff, I sunk at first.  I let my emotion lead the way.  I mean, thinking about it as I write this, that kind of makes sense.  My grandmother was never allowed to feel her feelings, she never let my mother feel hers, so I think I took on the chore of feeling EVERYTHING.  She wanted family and love because she never felt safe with hers.  She was born in a different time, lived through three wars, saw her parents hate each other, tried to be perfect to get their attention, tried to bring her family together.  I saw my mother do the same thing after being tortured by her mother.  Even though my grandmother’s intentions were good, her methods left a lot of scars. 

Regardless of how hard it is, healing is some of the most important work we can do.  It isn’t just a matter of healing wounds for the sake of feeling better.  It’s taking feeling better and moving forward.  It’s moving to the next level.  I alluded to this in a post the other day when I talked about being cut from the same cloth.  We heal what they couldn’t.  Not to glorify the wounded martyr, but we often mistake sacrifice as power.  Really it’s a form of manipulation, an attempt to get others to give us what we think we can’t (or shouldn’t) give ourselves.  I can speak that freely—I’ve done it a million times before.  I’ve already acknowledged I don’t want to be that martyr, and now I see where it came from.

When you’re lonely and insecure, you often look to create any form of safety around you so you have some sense of security.  But all of that is an illusion.  We can only build ourselves up enough to know that we can carry ourselves through anything.  There is no guarantee that what we have today will be there tomorrow.  That isn’t a morbid outlook, it’s more of a check point to shift perspective. Trying to make people happy so they will support you only allows you to feel victimized when they don’t play to your rules.  Developing a sense of self and having confidence is where you learn your real power. 

And I’m seeing now more clearly than ever the power of love.  Love is a healer.  It’s a vibration.  Some say it’s a chemical reaction and that’s true as well, but it stems from our intention.  It’s absolutely an energy that we transmit and we can use it for ourselves as well.  The world needs the power of love now.  We are all shifting and that takes a huge toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically.  We need our power and we need to focus on rebuilding.  So love and heal.  That is how we garner that energy.  Don’t be afraid to face that part of you that needs to heal.  That is where you find your strength. 

“For better or for worse, nothing stays the same,” Aija Mayrock.  Here I am thrust into the throws of change again and this quote appears at my doorstep.  And for the first time, I genuinely don’t feel scared about it.  Yes, I’m planning for what I can do, but I’m not panicking or praying for an outcome.  I’m letting this one ride.  After my insights the other day about my 9-5 not being for me, I know I can’t see the way this is going.  There is nothing I can predict and certainly nothing I can control about this outcome.  We go through evolutions all the time, either by choice or by circumstances around us.  Even if they are from circumstances, we still have a choice to either go with it or to fight it.  I am not interested in fighting any longer.

For now, I can make decisions based on what is aligned with who I am.  And as I remember who I am, there will be no more waffling or waiting for the right time.  THIS is it.  It isn’t as if what’s coming for any of us is good or bad, it’s how we receive it.  We can be open to it and deal with it as it comes or we can reject it.  Fighting it doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it harder to deal with.

We look for continuity and comfort and that is a matter of safety.  When things change that threatens what we know as safe and we tend to shy away from that.  But there is growth in change, both literally and internally.  I spoke the other day about how growth is on the other side of what we don’t want to do.  The universe is funny that way—exactly what we have an aversion to is often what we need to move forward.  And that is something we are being reminded of especially now with all of the volatility as systems are breaking. 

No matter what we are going through, it is ok.  We all get through it.  And it always helps to remember that we are designed for change.  We found easier ways to live with stable housing and markets for our food, but that system is breaking and it never served anyone anyway.  Now we are asking what the cost is of giving up our creativity for this type of security.  We always knew the way and we were forced to forget and forgo our inner knowing.  Nothing is meant to stay the same.  That is why life is so precious.  We are here to enjoy every moment.  We are meant to experience what it offers.

Today I am grateful to go against my instincts.  I’ve had a major distrust of myself and my ability to transition into something on my own.  I was always scared to take the chance on something tangible for myself because I didn’t know if I could maintain it.  Taking that chance though, GIVES you the motivation to maintain it.  It makes it real and once you get your teeth into something that good for you, it makes you want more.  It opens up the possibilities you didn’t see there and the creativity FLOWS.  Highly recommend!

Today I am grateful to learn a middle ground I hadn’t considered before.  I have always been pretty passionate and firm in my beliefs.  I never looked at how they polarized—I just assumed I was right on most of them because I wanted the best for everyone.  I didn’t consider the steps it would take to find that middle ground I always talked about.  The reality is, in order to change anything, you have to become a part of it first.  I’m not saying fully engulfed, but I’m saying you need to be immersed enough to know how it got that way in the first place.  When you get to that place, you can make changes.

Today I am grateful for my body.  Last night in particular was a rough night health wise.  My stomach was not happy and I didn’t sleep well.  But I managed it and I allowed myself to get the rest I could.  My son and my animals followed me out on the couch, letting me know I wasn’t alone.  I allowed it and I woke up feeling much better. It was a reminder to take care of myself better and that some of the indulgences I allow myself aren’t meant for me any more.  And that is fine. When it comes to moving forward in life, sometimes discipline is key.

Today I am grateful for learning.  I’m reading new books and looking at different means to develop who I am and how I look at life.  I’m also learning how to maneuver through life in ways that I hadn’t considered before.  I mentioned above about having to be in the game in order to change it and I see the importance of that now more than ever.  I whole heartedly believe that we can change and I know with everything in me that we need to.  However, I idealistically believed that the masses would simply take over.  That is partially true but it is more of a matter of more people getting skin in the game and shifting direction rather than brute force.  The same is said for changing ourselves.

Today I am grateful for living.  The past few days off have shown me the possibilities of what I’m really looking for.  I’ve been craving freedom and more resources, but I see now what it means to do that.  It means creating space to do that and learning how to make it possible.  Part of that is living in the moment.  Accepting what is and going with it.  That is living in a nutshell.  Life is a giant game on so many levels and we are meant to play with the powers that be to create what we are looking for.  Being happy to have the opportunity speaks volumes about what else comes my way.

Today I am grateful for clearing.  For clearing space, physically and mentally to be who I am meant to be.  Clearing what is around me allows the space clear what is within me as well.  Taking the time to put away clothes, to clean the kitchen, to finish a book all clears mental space as well.  It allows for clarity in general, sometimes in ways you don’t know you need.  Today also happened to have a cleansing rain so it felt extra symbolic as I worked my way through extra clutter.  The answers we need come when we make the way.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.      

When I was a child, I used to relish this time of day.  Early afternoon, school finished, playing whatever I wanted to or working on homework.  My parents coming home, spending time with my grandparents and asking my grandfather for cookies.  The man loved Pecan Sandies and he always “charged” me a quarter for each cookie I wanted.  That was one of my favorite memories.  The faux outrage as I stole the cookie anyway, smiling and laughing the whole time.  His laugh because he wasn’t serious and he knew I would take the cookie anyway.  A shared sweet between us, the treat we loved to have together.  It wasn’t about the cookie.  It was about US.

This morning, I went to my mother’s house to drop off my son and sitting on her bench was the very cookie jar I used to steal my treasure from.  Inside she put a package of Pecan Sandies and a note that said, “Cost ya a quarter!”  The tears sprung to my eyes so fast it stung. I hadn’t thought of those moments with my grandfather in years and that little vessel held more than the remnants of cookies: it held the memories of my childhood with one of my favorite people in the whole world.

I was only 11 when I lost my grandfather and my entire world collapsed that day.  I knew he had been sick but I never saw my grandfather as anyone mortal.  I believed he would make it through anything.  I never had my real goodbye.  I never paid him his dues for the cookies.  I miss him still.  I think of what my life would have been like had I had a few more years of his guidance.  He was an uncomplicated man, direct with is words, firm in his faith, astute in his knowledge, and generous with his love to those he cared most about.  There was a no nonsense air about him, but he knew what life was.  He took it as it was and accepted everyone at face value which was both relieving and terrifying.  I mean, you could be purple and he wouldn’t care, but cross him and you would be sure to never do that again.  I had forgotten those lessons a long time ago, always trying to prove myself rather than accept.

As I sit in my office, the light dancing through my window, gathering my bearings about where I am and my next moves, it reminds me of that time of day when we’d play those games.  I can still hear his laugh and see his shoulders shaking, trying to hold back the childish giggles he never lost.  I am so grateful that nearly 30 years after he left, I still learn from him.  I opened the pack of cookies and savored four of them.  I am grateful to just be, to remember who I am and where I came from.  I feel safe and at peace here.  I might have another cookie…

Just a small note on the little things in life.  I’ve seen countless memes/anecdotes/writings on how you want to be with someone who still tells you to be safe getting home, or how you know you’re a team when one carries the weight while the other is down.  Those things are true but sometimes the reminders on how important those things are come in different ways and when we least expect them.  I’ve been with my husband over 20 years now and, as I’ve written about, things haven’t been smooth the last month or so.  That doesn’t mean the love isn’t there, it just means we are redefining what love looks like for us. 

This morning, just before 5AM I got a call from my husband who had just left for work.  He told me to go and look at the moon because he thought it was pretty and wanted me to see it too.  While he may be struggling with my emotions/behaviors, he still takes the time to think of me and point out what he knows I will appreciate.  He still takes the time to point out my interests and look for the same type of synchronicities I do (repeating numbers, hawks, owls, etc.).  It’s those efforts that remind me there is something there.

Life has a way of piling things on our shoulders (or maybe we have a tendency of taking on too much) and it gets heavy.  Those are all distractions keeping us away from the real joys in life.  Those little moments where you know someone knows you.  Those phone calls telling you to go and look up at the moon.  Our time here is so short and it is so precious.  Put away the heavy.  Drop the distraction and simply allow your life.  Maybe instead of trying to put in more, we need to take on less.  When we can get out of the way, we can see those signs for what they are.  Marks of love and caring and reminders we are most certainly not alone in this world.  Our minds can get pretty dark sometimes and it is our job to remember to find the light.  Take the call.  Tell someone you love them.  Put down the load you’re carrying and reach out—you never know what will be on the other side.