Today I am grateful for a kick in the ass. I had a tough conversation with my mentor yesterday about some things that have been happening in my life lately and I will go into more detail about that later this week. I really struggled with what she was telling me because I’ve put myself in the position of being right in this situation. She agreed that I was right but she also pointed out how that didn’t matter. There comes a point where what we want and what we hope to get out of something turns into control rather than any sort of validation. I’ve been looking for validation, I’ve been looking for people to tell me I’m right in this situation and I’ve been looking for them to approach this other person the same way they approach me: tell them they are wrong and they need to wake up and make some changes. I’m tired of being responsible for changing the trajectory of my life because others can’t get it together. And, again, my mentor pointed out it’s irrelevant because we can only control ourselves. I’m not happy about it, but I see the validity of what she said and it does feel different.
Today I am grateful for letting go. Adding to the kick in the ass mentioned above, my mentor also offered some much needed advice in the form of letting go. I’ve been so focused on multiple goals and outcomes that I’ve lost sight of my connection with here and now. There is a need for setting goals and working toward them and it pays to aim high, that isn’t the point. When we get so wound up and have multiple foci and we try to keep the external factors to 0, that is control. We think we can pull the strings to get results and that everyone and everything will play along so we yield the outcome we were hoping for. That isn’t life. Regardless of that, the value of connecting with the present goes out the window. So my mentor told me to leave my phone at home and take my son to a festival we had at his school. She told me to let go of tomorrow and be there today and that my presence, taking pictures with a real camera would show others how present we can be. She was right.
Today I am grateful for the deep work. Part of healing means going dark—literally going to the dark side of the depths of the things we aren’t even sure we remember but mainly the things we do. It means getting to the roots of what causes us to control and to seek safety in knowing every detail. I’m grateful to work through these things because there are many deep seated issues that manifest in unexpected ways. There can be a real present day cause of anxiety or whatever symptoms you/we have, but that present cause is still a trigger linked to what happened previously. So if there is concern around money now, what previously led you to the feeling of lack? If there is anger around equitable division of work, hat previously led you to feeling taken advantage of? It really is about the deeper questions.
Today I’m grateful for healing. The storm hasn’t entirely passed, not by a long shot. There is a lot of work to come regarding what happened over this last week. There is emotional damage that will leave its mark for a long time and things feel a little empty now. A little hollow. I’ve resorted to a few old habits for the sake of comfort, and I’ve learned that I do need to be a little bit gentler with myself at this time. I took on too much and spread too thin and now I need to ease up the pace and focus. I really thought I could handle it al. Not so much. But I am grateful for the questions and the reframing and looking at why I felt the need to do all of that in the first place. I’m grateful to understand the context of letting go and forgiveness. It puts ownership of our lives firmly in our court.
Today I’m grateful for the ability to spoil myself…within reason. I mentioned there were some habits I fell back on and one of them is a mild retail therapy. I’m so grateful that I was able to afford stepping out today with my son and doing some shopping. Finding a few pieces to make myself feel better. And also something to look forward to. I went to a really dark place this week, not knowing what would happen in my life within the next second let alone the future. I haven’t done that kind of shopping in a while and I know I shouldn’t do it again for a bit, but it felt like a release and another way to be a bit more gentle with myself. To take a step back, maybe into an old habit, but also with a different outlook on the purpose. It wasn’t about numbing and creating more of an issue for myself down the line. It was about giving myself some grace to be human and enjoy the moment and know that I will recover in the end. Context, intent, and purpose make all the difference.
Today I am grateful for fun. I’m grateful that in the midst of all the craziness, we were still able to have some fun this weekend. I took my son to his school’s fall fest this weekend and he got to hang out with his friend while I hung out with his friend’s mom. We went to a surprise party and had a truly enjoyable night with the neighbors. I got to go shopping this morning while my husband went out with the neighbors. I took my son to lunch, we worked on his homework. And I got time to write. There is still good in every day. No matter what happened or what will happen, there is still good right now. My heart is beating and there is a reason for that.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.