Today I thought a lot about the intentions we send to the universe. Stay with me on this one…I had a discussion with my husband today and we ended up fighting about his intentions around picking up our son. When he told me that he was running behind at work (again) my automatic thought was, “He’s just avoiding picking up our son. He doesn’t want to spend time with him. He only wants to do what he wants to do right now.” After the conversation ended, I realized that I was not thinking correctly. And THAT made me think about the intentions I was sending to the universe.
My first instinct was one of mistrust, anger, fear, and frustration. It was a message of mistrust overall, not just about not trusting my husband’s motives. I found myself in the self-pity loop of, “I’m not getting support, I feel alone in this, I feel like I’m never meant to have time for myself to move forward on my projects.” That was sending a message of defeat and failure and overall smallness to the universe. I also had the underlying thoughts of “I’m a doormat, I’m tired of getting our son ready in the morning, getting myself ready, feeding the animals, driving him to my mom’s house, working all day, picking him up, taking care of the animals, then working on my projects while still caring for my son.” Such a negative thought pattern—and it only took me seconds to feel that.
I paused and I realized that I didn’t want to think about my life in those terms any longer because I am in the process of working on something so much bigger. That requires open and positive thinking—big thinking. Believing that my husband had control over the situation at work and that he was intentionally pushing me beyond what I had the capacity to do (and quite frankly what I’m tired of doing) meant that I was accepting a subservient role and that I was allowing myself to be manipulated. He didn’t want to do it so I HAD to pick up our son. In the sprit of self-awareness, I had to shift that.
I put a check on my thinking and spun it to the truth: maybe there’s a reason I’m meant to pick up my son every day and fight rush hour traffic home. I want more time with my child, and this is giving me the opportunity to spend more time with him. We get to talk and sing in the car and I wouldn’t have that if I didn’t pick him up (he’s too tired to sing in the morning haha!). I get to see my parents. My son gets more time with his grandparents and his grand parents get to see him longer. I know these moments are fleeting and they go way too fast. I feel like I blinked and he’s almost 3. So while I had envisioned time with my son as more walks, more story time, more crafts, more everything, even if we are sitting in rush hour together, we are together.
So I had to let go. This wasn’t about my husband manipulating me and it wasn’t about the universe punishing me by making me sit an extra 20 minutes in traffic. This was the universe giving me what I asked for. It’s just in a different way. My ego often gets in the way and I admit that sometimes I feel like the universe is just telling me my way isn’t good enough (so of course I react—I’m working on it). I’m tired of being uncomfortable and I find myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations but that can be a sign of transition. It’s also uncomfortable not seeing what I’m transitioning into. But if I’m asking to be a more patient person, a more dedicated mother, a kinder, less rushed individual, I guess I have to admit that I’m learning those skills. It’s hard for me to not see the “why” in these situations—like why people can’t do the speed limit hahaha!—but it doesn’t matter. I’ve asked for something and the universe is delivering.
While it may be challenging, I can now ask, “What am I being molded into?” I’ve asked for help being the person I’m meant to be. Maybe this is making me be who I’m meant to be. We don’t grow in our comfort zones. I’ve asked for and I’ve initiated change. I can look at this as exciting evidence that I am getting exactly what I need to do what I am meant to do. So many people fail to look at the opportunities right in front of them because they are disguised as something they don’t think they want. Sometimes the things we don’t want to do are the exact things we need. So smile at the perceived setbacks and uncomfortable moments and just enjoy the ride. It will get you exactly where you’re meant to be in the end.