“Beauty helps people start to dream again,” Bill Strickland.  What better way to continue the theme of gentleness than to talk of beauty?  Now, don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in the dark moments, in finding strength as well, but sometimes we need to recognize when being gentle and letting go is the true strength.  It isn’t about what we can pile on and carry, it’s what we put down as no longer ours.  The opening quote was used in reference to beauty as a stop thought.  When you’re having a rough moment and feeling stuck or angry or sad, pause and look around you to find something beautiful.  It interrupts the negative train of thought when we appreciate our surroundings and purposefully find something that brings us to awe.  Awe is that feeling of our place in the universe, recognizing both our strength and fragility at once.  Knowing how small we are yet being the captain of our own ship.

Beauty comes in when we find something to appreciate that place in the universe, when we find a profound respect for what we have and what we are capabale of as humans, as individuals, and collectively.  It surprises us and reminds us that we are connected at the deepest level to each other, this planet, every living thing, and then the stars, galaxies, and universes beyond us.  Our bones tell the story of a universe built on the power of stars that exploded into fragments and stood up to create entire worlds from the pieces.  Look at what we can do, look at what we are.  We’ve creatd this energy of proving and fighting and clawing to the top as if that is what life is.  Life, my friends is in the being, it’s in the doing.  It’s not in the achieving or gaining or taking. 

Beauty is in the walks I take to move my body.  It’s in taking time to build legos with my kid.  It’s in holding him a few minutes longer before getting ready for the day.  It’s in many of the same things I mentioned yesterday that require gentleness in our lives.  But it’s more than seeking beauty, it’s in the purpose of it.  It’s in the resetting of the brain to remember that fragility and that what we have is a gift.  Life is a gift.  If we feel stagnant or lost then do nothing.  Just pause and take in what you have around you.  The mess, the chaos, the story that is your life.  Maybe you’re one of those who has a perfectly organized life, manicured, and aesthentically pleasing—that’s beautiful too even if that isn’t my season right now.  I’m in the beauty of growth, in the dirt pushing through it all, climbing toward what is meant for me.  Right now it’s mess and clutter and clothes all over and dishes in the sink and animals scratching furniture and books all over the place and piles of things to do, but it’s my life and I love it.  I’m guiding myself toward more of it.

Beauty isn’t about perfection, it’s about finding perfection in what is.  Seeing that beauty in what IS opens the door to what can be.  There are so many magical gateways in this world.  States of mind that take us to the next level, much further than control and demanding and perfection ever will.  Beauty is one of them.  Gratitude, appreciation, acceptance, creativity, flow, all of those things move us closer to who we are meant to be, closer to other possibilities.  So beauty is more than a pleasing aesthetic.  It’s an honoring of creativity and who we are.  It is remembering what we are at our core and allowing that to explode into the pieces that will also become a new world, a new way of looking at things.  We are pure, divine magic, and when we see beauty in something, in others around us, we see it in ourselves as well.  There is a reason beauty gives us pause.  It’s to reflect on what we are through what we see, the image we give.  Find the beauty!

I’ve recently had this feeling, a calling maybe, toward gentleness and finding ways to be increasingly gentle.  As silly as it sounds, it started with my cat and a plant.  A couple of spins around the sun ago, my father closed up shop on our family business and in the process of cleaning out the office/warehouse, a pothos plant was left in some of the last things to be cleared out—they were going to throw it a way.  I took it with me because I adore pothos; they make me happy with their vines and the varigation in the leaves.  And this one deserved to live—it still had healthy leaves and stems even if the dirt was a little gross.  I also think there was something in me wanting to remember something beautful from that office. So I saved it from the garbage and then saved it again as it started yellowing when we got it home.  Then I went through a whole process of clipping and repotting and bringing it back to life. That was the first plant I’d been able to save like that as its roots came back and happily transferred to new soil.  The other day my cat nibbled on one of the new leaves, bringing me into panic.  I know it will survive with a little TLC.  So I want to talk about gentleness and tenderness in survival.

Many of us don’t even recognize that we are in survival.  It feels like such a part of who we are, the routine we hold, that we don’t recognize the dysfunction.  Like a nibbled on leaf, we can survive with scars.  The point is to do the healing first and then grow from there instead of finding ways to cope around the wound.  I recently had an incident at work that brought out some additional trauma I didn’t realize I had.  Side note, the brain is amazing at both rejecting and recalling incidents from the past.  When this event happened, I found myself spiralling into a painful, lower level vibration, and getting angry for allowing myself to fall into that behavior again.  Then I went through the blaming thing, which at the end of the day, helped me identify not the blame necessarily, but the trigger behind it: being left behind and devalued and only used for what was needed in the moment.  I told myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t ever allow people to make me feel worthless again.  I took some time to pause and remember my worth and to find a way to be gentle with myself.  Here is what that looked like.

Having an honest conversation and putting all the cards on the table.  Allowing thoughts to surface.  Being present.  Taking the time to learn what the issue really is.  To receive another’s point of view.  Allowing myself to be supported.  Offering that support to others.  Really hearing other people.  Breaking beyond the limitations of society.  Stepping into who I am, no one’s expectation of me.  Being intentional.  Breaking off of auto pilot and making a decision to not follow the leader.  Becoming the leader in my life.  Seeing the similarities in others and connecting with them.  Lessening distance between us emotionally and cognitively.  Calling a friend.  Buying a friend something I knew they would love.  Buying myself a little treat.  Brainstorming the life I love and what I want to do with it.  Spending time with my husband and then spending time with my son.  Working on my projects.  Trying to develop clarity around next steps.  Going to therapy.  Making nutritious, whole food for myself for the week.  Doing yoga every day.  Sharing my cards every day.  Lots of writing. 

So, the same tenderness I continue to bestow upon my now scarred but still beautiful pothos, I will give to myself and I too will heal.  Healing doesn’t come in pushing, it comes in allowing and being open.  That tiny leaf is opening and I will love on it as much as its full brothers.  It’s my survivor.  I wouldn’t let the environment bring it down, and I certainly won’t let the environment around me bring me down.  We have so much light to offer, so much joy, there is no reason to allow anyone to dim it.  Sometimes when you shine to bright, the world recoils because they can’t handle it.  They are afraid their own demons will be seen, or even that their pain will show through.  All we need to do is offer a little compassion to those darker sides and allow the truth of the matter to be seen.  You can’t fix what isn’t visible and sometimes, as painful as it is, things happen to bring that light to it, not to hurt us, but to bring us closer to who we are inside.  Closer to allowing ourselves to be seen in our entirety.  We are amazing, resilient creatures who sometimes need a little more attention.  I’ve read before we are big houseplants with complicated feelings.  So, try applying some of those principles and let’s bring ourselves back to life.

Today I am grateful for my husband.  Our relationship isn’t perfect (whose is?) and these last few months have taken us on a journey I never saw coming.  I shared several months back that we had experienced a very painful exchange that led to our falling out in many ways.  We didn’t know if we were going to continue on together or not, if we were even compatible enough to continue together, or if one had to sacrifice more for the other.  Neither one of us wanted to do the latter—especially me because I felt I had sacrificed enough.  But what this moment led to was me accepting the help I needed.  My husband no longer related to me and, from that angle, I understood what he was saying.  And I knew I had to let go of all that I was making him become.  I focused on the person I wanted to be very clearly and I overstepped in making him who I needed as a reciprocal.  We are still healing but I am grateful for the push to the other side of who I am. 

Today I am grateful for presence.  As I type this I’m in my favorite place, my office, staring at the winter-dry landscape of my neighbors yards as we are tucked in the corn fields.  The sun casts its spotlight on the bare trees as it rises.  I feel immensely lucky.  I feel grateful not only to be here, to feel this place, and to be able to do what I do, but I feel so lucky to recognize and witness the areas of my life I need to continue to emphasize and explore.  I feel grateful that I see this and that there IS a way—now it’s just a matter of doing it.  I am grateful for leaning into that knowing and starting to make decisions based on where I will be, not where I am.  I’m talking about in the sense of making decisions from the person I am inside, my authentic identity.  That is being in touch with presence and who we are.

Today I am grateful for games.  The last couple of weekends we have been playing games with the neighbors and it is so much fun.  Game nights are something I’ve wanted to do for years but we never really had a group that shared the same interest and it wasn’t exactly my husband’s wheelhouse either.  He loves a game but he prefers video games.  Regardless, now that we’ve started this, it has been an entirely different side of us and we’ve been truly enjoying it.  It is so nice to do something different, to share a great meal and a fun experience together.  Finding like-minded community (even a small group counts) has meant everything.  I feel a support locally that I haven’t in a long time—I’m not sure if I ever did.  I witnessed it as a child amongst my parents and their friends, but it wasn’t a daily thing.  Games have led to a connection that wasn’t there, an opening of more similarities we share, and it brings us together.

Today I am grateful for books.  This should be a no-brainer as I’ve often shared my love of books.  But what highlights it this week is piggy backing off of games—it’s the community around it.  I have opened a doorway, sharing my books with my neighbor and she has shared hers.  For me, books are a personal thing.  Our tastes and interests are reflected in our books and seeing what people read is a reflection into their minds. It’s been such a beautiful experience finding someone with the same interests as me.  We have gifted each other things before, but now there is a real connection.  There is a new depth in understanding as we share these interests and I feel like I have found what was missing for so long: that shared camaraderie. 

Today I am grateful for health.  I am learning the dynamics of a healthy life in a new way, in a more well rounded approach.  I’ve always had an interest in taking care of self and doing what is right for the body.  I’ve been in healthcare for years, and as much as I struggle with it today, I think it was for a reason.  I think it gave me the impetus to learn all the ways we have to take care of ourselves—mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and communally.  We are complex creatures with simple needs and we’ve made our lives substantially more difficult in how we connect with others.  The truth is, in order to find the connection we need, we need to connect with ourselves.  That’s the beginning of all the greatest answers we need: the ability to connect with our body gives us a clear indication of what’s going on—the body will tell us what we need.  We have an amazing vehicle and I love learning new ways to connect with it.  Health is a gift, and I am happy to share that.

Today I am grateful to put the pieces together.  The best take away I have from this week is the integration of the information I’m grateful for.  Feeling good and taking good care of myself has led to accepting who I am—my interests, my purpose, and my ability to share that.  The greatest journey over the last few years, the one I’ve been privileged to share (even though it sometimes feels like it’s taking forever) is the journey to help people be their best selves.  We often think it’s a complex scenario when often all we need to do is simply allow ourselves to shine and create the connections with those around us.  Each connection is a link, a step on the stairs that exposes more and more of who we are and leads us to who we need to be.  Take care of self to be your truest self, and that brings you to those who need your light or those who reflect your light (and vice versa).  While the goal is no longer about completing a journey, I am grateful to continue putting pieces of the puzzle together.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week!     

“Even the unexpected, the unwanted, the roadblocks and detours, they are happening in perfect orchestration for your soul’s expansion,” Ashmi Path.  There are moments it feels like it took me forever to get where I am.  There are moments it still feels like I’m miles from where I want to be.  I experience frustration thinking of time I wasted or thinking that I’ve put in so much effort, my “reward” should be here by now.  But the truth is, even if I have to REALLY dig down to the core of the matter, I can admit that everything I’ve been through is leading me where I need to go on the trajectory of my life today.  Yes, I’m frustrated that it took me so long to get here—I’m naturally impatient and a recovering perfectionist—because I think of the time missed simply enjoying the live I’m looking for. 

Ashmi goes on to say that there are signs and messages and reasons in everything we experience, observe, and feel.  It’s all there for our benefit even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.  For years I’ve wanted to share my writing consistently and I constantly struggled to find time to do it.  Time forced me out of my comfort zone and I found new ways to make time to ensure I do this every day.  I realized in order to do it, I simply had to DO it.  The fight my husband and I had several months ago was one of the most painful moments in my life, emotionally.  Now that I’ve sought different help from a variety of people, I know that it truly was for the best.  I’ve learned to reclaim the energy I directed at his actions and put it toward my own—and that has made a huge difference. 

The universe gives us what we need, not what we want.  It responds to us, not who we say we want to be.  Sometimes the two align—who we say we want to be and the energy we put out—that is when we are most in touch with our authentic selves and our purpose.  The way to get more in touch with that is to simply increase your awareness of the present.  The more present we are, the longer the present rides out in one long wave.  Like a ride, the track goes up and down and we can go with it.  The key is to trust that everything already exists, it’s already done.  That is when we let go of the worry and walk with ease knowing the results are assured in spite of any obstacles.  We learn that those things were merely redirections toward the goal.  Welcome it all—this is life.

What a gift to have nothing but time to ponder our existence and wonder why we are here.  To play and dream and make the most of every day.  To love and dream and create  the life we want.  I thought of this as I was looking at a progression of people through history.  There was a time when the privileged of society were literally paid to sit around and converse and think and produce patterns of thought.  To think about existence and what it means, the purpose.  There are still people who do this today, but we don’t hold those positions n the same regard we did.  At the time, the salon or parlor was a place of intellectual curiosity and that’s how the world got answers to things it was looking for.  Now everyone shares their thoughts in 140 characters or less, in 5-10 second videos, where we try to punch home a point without any context.

Honestly, I relish the idea of a parlor filled with great conversation and discussion of the events of the day and the implication and planning to make things better, or simply enforce a change in the world.  I think we still have that goal but we are going about it incorrectly.  I follow several business leaders and they’ve been talking about the use of ChatGPT and other AI to create content.  My heart sank as they shared the advantages of using this technology.  Here’s the thing: people are becoming so focused on freeing up time and doing things quickly that we aren’t looking at the quality of the content.  Fine, an AI can create a quality piece of work and match a tone, but it isn’t real.  We are starting to devalue the place of the written word and the humans behind it.  We are literally taking the need for thought out of creation.  Now, that isn’t to say I’m opposed to evolution and the need for things to change, but I am opposed to taking the human element out of creation.

Words are incredibly powerful tools and we have consistently been devaluing their place.  We want shortened this and quicker that, and limited characters, and getting to the point as quick as possible.  We no longer relish the time to discuss and think.  Now, I’m well aware that our days look vastly different than they did 100 years ago, 150 years ago.  But that means we need to evolve with it. That doesn’t mean we lose the values we had previously.  I take my content creation personally and that means taking the time to develop my thoughts and use my language and tone in a way that matches me, not what a computer thinks I sound like.  Again, I recognize this as a pain point for some people, it makes sense.  But I do not want technology to do my thinking for me.  The execution of a task, sure, I can live with that because there are always other ways to do things, but my mind, my soul, and the intent behind it, can not be replaced with technology.  Let’s gather our thoughts, shall we?

I read something uncredited the other day that said, “Give it your absolute all.  Wouldn’t want to know what would happen?”  And it really kept me on this streak about momentum and moving forward in this year. There is no better time than now, and as someone who wasted a lot of time waiting and hoping, I can say it’s worth taking the chance on whatever you have brewing NOW rather than waiting for something to come and change your world.  We’ve spoken frequently on alignment, vibration, the power of the universe, intention, direction, and purpose.  Now let’s talk about action.  Yes, the need to take action is common sense—and we’ve talked about that too.  But let’s discuss what action looks like. 

For the last few months, I’ve been working with mentors, coaches, therapists, and leaders of different areas as well as some entrepreneurs and looking closely at what they do that stacks up differently than what I do.  Most of us (myself included) think that just because they are performing activities they are productive.  There is a significant difference between an activity and a result-producing activity.  In my experience, I know that both are beneficial, but if the goal is to move forward or to make changes, then the action needs to be geared toward results.  Other activities are necessary to find inspiration, to network, to get creative—all of that lays the groundwork and WILL propel you forward, but it’s in the product and the delivery that momentum is built.

The activities that move people forward are those that are aligned with purpose and intention.  This looks like networking, like engaging in platforms, like building the site (or hiring someone to do it), like getting help coalescing an idea, like taking the plan we drew up a month ago and actually doing something on that list.  See, the ideas and development stage are absolutely key because we need to know the why behind it—without why, we have no real reason to get to the end.  But development only takes us so far.  We need to bring that idea to life.  Vision without action is just thought, and while thoughts are powerful things, they aren’t what makes “it” happen.  They are the impetus to action.  And a result producing action is something that drives you closer to the goal.  So, if what you’re doing isn’t moving the needle, that’s just activity—again, there is a time and place for that.  But if we really want to see the finish line, we need to push that gauge. 

We all know time marches on no matter what we do.  We also know that none of us knows how much time we really have on this Earth.  How we use our time is entirely up to us.  I’m guilty of wasting far too much time hoping for things to turn out or expecting results from the wrong activity.  But as I’ve learned to shift my thinking and address the steps that will take me forward, I’ve noticed a significant difference in how time feels and how I use my time.  My activities are no longer based on what I “have” to do that day—it’s based on how I want my day to look and feel.  Yes, there are still certain areas that I have little control over—I still work for a 9-5 while I’m in the process of building—so that has an impact on me.  But that is no longer an obstacle.  It’s a means to get to where I need to be.  I no longer want to spend my time waiting for that right moment.  I want to spend my moments doing what aligns with the reality of who I am.  The more we do that, the more life flows for us.  I don’t want to wait on the sidelines to be called in—I’m engaging in the game.  What is meant to be will be, and it’s our job to bring ourselves fully to that moment.  I know I don’t want to look back and wish I had…I want to look back and say, wow, look at what I’ve done.

I found myself in an odd situation yesterday as a friend of mine is struggling with her relationship with another person in our group.  As humans, we do silly things when we are hurt or lost or unsure about a situation.  We also have this need to appear a certain way and do certain things to be accepted or viewed as a specific type of person.  But when we take the time to put all of that aside and really look at the light people have, things change.  We see something different in them.  When my friend approached me, It did come across as gossipy, but I know it was more about her disappointment at where her relationship is with this other person.  Truth be told, I had been so intimidated by their friendship when I first met them that I didn’t even want to hang out.  I had been left out because my son is young (their kids are in their 20’s) and they didn’t feel comfortable including me if I had to bring him and I took it personally.  My priority is my kid so if that was an issue for them, then I was happy to spend time with him on my own.

I digress.  The point I was trying to make about being intimidated was that their relationship seemed rock solid.  If there was an issue, they would immediately go to each other and I saw how they helped each other succeed.  Both have more flexibility in their jobs so when it came to their personal endeavors, they have more time to devote to that, and seeing how they supported each other’s work, their interests, and how they knew things about each other really was something to witness.  It didn’t feel like anyone could break into that.  I also had a lot of demons about my own goals at the time so I felt like a failure next to them for a long time.  It took a lot of work to realize it was about my own insecurity.  What was beautiful to witness was the power of women coming together to help each other and seeing the results they got working together. 

Honestly, if it meant that I was kind of on the outside again, I would love to witness that power come together again.  I would love to be on the inside of that group because that was the living example of focused energy getting results.  There is something about the creative outlook we have when solving problems that brings a different perspective to the mix.  There are always multiple avenues to get the result we are looking for, there are multiple ways to express what we need to, and there are multiple answers to questions—sometimes more questions come up as well.  We know how to integrate those pieces and get something out of it.  Give me the pieces and I will make it whole, I believe is the saying. 

It also says something about the human spirit when we are taken away or separated from our whole.  We long to be included, we long to have meaningful relationships, we even create relationships with people when it won’t work out.  We are meant for connection.  The work that goes into it and the results of focused connection are amazing.  When there is intention, there is purpose, and when there is purpose,  there is a way.  We are able to find that way easier with others.  So, this is just a reminder to keep your relationships close and tend to them.  There is a lot to be said in that unity with someone, that shared focus and goal.  Find the people who support you and move you forward, the people who you can move forward as well.

We just talked about the difference between owning and embracing our lives.  The difference between taking responsibility and moving things forward and accepting things as they are.  As I was scrolling through Social Media for inspiration, I came across The Rock talking about the difference between one day and day one.  Those things that call us and pull us, the ideas that we have that always seem to swirl in our minds, we have to question: are we going to continue to wait for one day to see it through, or is it day one when we start taking action?  We can choose to sit and wait for our lives to happen to us or we can actively participate and make something happen.  We can do what we say we are going to do and we can start seeing the results of our dreams.  The choice is always ours.

In every action we take (or do not take) there is a choice.  I think about how long I sat on ideas, waiting for things to fall into place, I think of how many ideas I’m still sitting on.  It’s al fear, mainly the fear of failure.  I don’t want to put in all the effort on something and still have it go belly up.  It’s also a little bit about maintaining the “success” if there is a win.  What does life look like after you get what you want?  Now you don’t want it to go away, or now you’re completely out of your comfort zone because this new way is the way it is.  For some it’s the fear of judgement, or the fear of losing what they know.  Regardless, every time we say yes or no to something, that is a choice.  I know we are still fresh in the New Year, but I’m not talking about a new year, new you thing.  I’m talking about when you finally decide to turn the page.  It just so happens to coincide with the new year.

For me, I’m aware that I still have some stuff that is one day.  For certain circumstances, that’s how it has to be and I’m ok with it.  For others, I’m beyond ready, and I feel the call of the teacher in me, the friend in me, the breakthrough waiting to be unleashed.  Those are the moments I’m at Day One.  It might be day one at a time, but it’s still day one.  I never gave my boldness enough credit because I found myself looking for support that I never received and I usually ended up letting things fizzle because I got afraid and wouldn’t move forward.  Now, with several more decades under my belt, I know the difference and I’m ready to put things into action.  I’m ready to give up what I knew for the chance that something really amazing can come through.  So, what day are you?

Evanna Lynch shared her aerial practice the other day and mentioned that one of her mentors had said something to her while learning how to spin on the hoop.  He said, “You don’t force your way to the center, you have to let your body find it.”   It struck me because I immediately knew the visceral feeling described without having felt it for a long time.  It’s the discussion of flow.  I’ve been privileged to have moments of it, but it’s something I’m shooting for long term.  My problem is always falling back to fear and trying to control the situation.  I’m trying to force my flow.  I’m trying to force a specific outcome.  The reality is, when we flow, we are free.  We aren’t holding onto anything.  The reason we are able to survive and move in flow is because our center guides us to keep upright even when we are getting swirled or pulled by the current. 

A few months ago, my husband told me he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore.  At the time my world was completely rocked.  I had known for a while that we were having issues, that something was bothering him.  But I had NO idea it was that deep to the point of him not even wanting to be in my presence or continue working on us.  When he said those words, my heart went through my stomach as all of the fears I’d had of him leaving me seemed to be coming true.  I really had to process what he said and what it meant.  I knew the trigger moment of that fight, but, as we all know, it wasn’t just one thing that led to that pivotal confession.  Now, anyone who has been with someone for more than a decade or two knows these things sometimes happen.  They also know when it means something different.  I knew this wasn’t a normal fight.  This was no longer about being annoyed with each other’s habits or frustrated about not getting our way.  This was a life-changing confession about the core of who I am. 

I couldn’t catch my breath and the entire world literally spiraled.  I didn’t know how to behave around him.  I didn’t know how to feel about him or about myself.  He told me the next day he was glad he said it.  Instead of that feeling like another gut punch, it sparked something in me.  I’d been feeling awful long prior to him uttering those words.  I’d been rushing through life, trying to achieve major goals all at the same time.  I’d been trying to create an entirely new life without reconciling the old one—some of it without consulting him.  I don’t regret doing those things because some of that has become the foundation for me to move forward.  But that was the pattern I’ve always had: I want to get through it all so that it can be done and it won’t feel overwhelming.  But there is always something else to be done.  And if we continue to rush through it all, soon life will be that check-list and we will be at the end of it.

So, I started seeing a therapist.  I know much of my behavior is a control response out of fear.  For so long I’ve been pulled by the current of others that I started putting stakes in the ground at every opportunity.  Everything that didn’t go my way was an insult to me.  My husband hadn’t been very attentive to me so I started lashing out.  He was becoming an anchor for some of my projects and my fear of never achieving my goals seemed real.  The truth is, he doesn’t have to have the same goals as me.  I need to be centered in myself and know which way I’m going.  Whether or not he comes along is his choice.  I was trying to force him to my center without really knowing my center because I was too busy doing all the things, living that check list. 

While things have changed significantly in the last few months, I’m finding it’s less about his actions and more about mine.  I don’t want to be the person I was, rushing through the day with no clear focus, but filled with activity thinking I was pushing something forward.  I don’t want to miss the now thinking I’m doing something for the future when all I’m doing is widening the circle.  The actions need to be meaningful.  And that means being centered in myself.  So letting go of controlling others and simply choosing a new course of action if needed.  It means knowing who I am and allowing others to go if they feel the need—even if we’ve been together forever.  Who they were may not be who they are—and the same goes for me.  I’m feeling my way into who I am, and I’m learning to understand what I like and what I don’t like in a new way.  I’m working on not anticipating the worst, I’m just trying to feel my way to good.  I’m working on breathing, on keeping myself upright no matter what happens.  Knowing I’ll be ok no matter what.  At my core, I am ok.  I know that.  I’m done forcing myself to center—all it’s done is make me dizzy.

Today I’m grateful for the lessons that lead me to myself.  There are days I wish someone would just do it for me—like all of it.  Either I have no energy or no interest in the activity, but still it needs to be done.  I know we all have those moments.  But I realized recently that I lived in a princess like fairy tale fantasy where I wanted someone to come and save me from the work I was doing and tell me I got to live the life of my dreams.  I’m actually a bit embarrassed to admit that.  The truth is, I had to learn to rely on myself.  I had to learn how to do the things I wanted done for me, for myself.  The only person who can come and rescue me, is me.  If I hadn’t been through what I’ve been through, I never would have learned to make it through.  I wouldn’t have learned about my own strength.  I didn’t need someone to save me, I needed to get out of my own way.  I needed to stop creating problems for people to help me with and simply do the work.  I’m grateful.

Today I’m grateful for people who see me.  I’ve been mentally struggling at my 9-5.  It’s a constant challenge to dive in and out of the work of three unrelated departments and keep all of them on the tracks at the same time—especially when there are moments it seems they are on different railways let alone the same train/track.  At the end of the day, I always take the time to connect with my staff because I know they are all doing their best.  They all have different fears and motivations and they are all human so I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.  One of my employees gifted me a gorgeous journal that says, “Strong women fight with grace in their heart, kindness in their voice, and love in their souls.”  It nearly brought me to tears because I felt seen. In that moment I understood that me taking the time to honor their humanity made them see mine.  And that is a gift. 

Today I am grateful for time with the real me.  I don’t often get to spend time away from my family.  Truth is, most times I don’t want to.  I really love doing the things we do together, I love being at home, I love being with my husband and son.  But there are facets of me that don’t go expressed as often as they should.  This weekend I got to spend time with a friend and we really connected over life.  It started when she shared her library with me and now I’ve gotten to open up and share mine with her.  While this seems small, the truth is books are such a large part of my life that it’s a very personal thing to let someone in like that.  My husband doesn’t care for books like that and my son is just learning, so sharing that depth of where I’m at means a lot.  The things people look for in their books tells a lot about them.  It felt good to show that again.

Today I am grateful to take additional steps.  I’m learning as I continue on this path that it is a journey.  There isn’t a point to reach, a destination.  It’s a state of being and it’s a constant flux and flow on this path.  There are always steps.  There are always things we can do to bring us closer to where we are going, until we find the next point of evolution in our lives.  I have been receiving signs more frequently and more clearly—quite frankly, more persistently—that a new course of action is necessary and that it’s time to take it.  I’m thrilled.  Part of me feels like I have been waiting forever for this moment.  The things I’ve been working toward to bear fruit.  Granted I have no idea what is coming my way, but I have a knowing in my gut that it’s the right thing.

Today I’m grateful to clear out.  I’m finally finishing taking down the decorations I had up for Christmas and, as overwhelming as it is, I am so glad to end the season on such a high note.  I am grateful to lovingly close that chapter, to feel gratitude for the memories I’ve been blessed to share with my family, and to step into what’s next.  I mentioned a while back that I completely overdid it this season—and again, I love doing it—but I am so grateful to bring my space back to normal.  To be at home again.  See, I will always enjoy the magic of the season, but I am learning to embrace where I’m at now.  I used to get sad taking everything down.  Now I feel at peace. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.