Today I am grateful to let go. This is a practice I need to remind myself of often.  My natural inclination is to take control and guide the ship by force if necessary.  If we have a goal in mind, I will make sure we achieve it.  So today I had a major breakthrough with letting go and trusting and allowing.  All of this happened because I put myself back on track with taking care of my body in the way it needs to be cared for.  I remembered the foundational work of taking care of the being in order to allow clarity.  And sometimes that’s all we need.  We need to get in touch with where the physical stuckness is in order to move through the mental stuckness to see what we really need.  Today it was about physical movement and releasing all the things I felt.

Today I am grateful for family.  We found out a bit ago that our niece is having another baby and today was the gender reveal.  It was so nice to be together to celebrate and spend time together.  We don’t do it much so it was nice to have such a special occasion together.  The family is getting bigger and it really means a lot to see the generations together.  Plus it is wonderful for my son to have the opportunity to spend time with his cousins and being a kid.  These cousins are closer to his age so he acts differently, more himself.  We are so fortunate to be able to be together.

Today I am grateful for signs.  Breaking the validation habit is hard, but there is a wonderful thing about connection with the universe.  Those signs bring a different type of validation.  For me, when I see the sign I ask for from the universe, I feel the total connection with spirit.  I feel the oneness with it all.  Today as we were heading to the gender reveal, my husband and I talked about the transitions we are undertaking and every time we felt on target, I saw my sign.  At this stage of the game, my husband and I are not turning back.  There were a lot of events that brought us here so continuing to see that we are on the right track is a comfort.

Today I am grateful for synchronicity.  As much as I speak about alignment and purpose, I often feel separated from my own purpose.  I allow myself to get distracted and fearful and lose sight of what I’m doing the work for.  As I mentioned above, there were a lot of events that aligned to get us where we are, events that make me realize I can’t deny the divine plan in all of that.  As things continue to fall into place, I am continually amazed about the order of things.  I know there is something so much bigger than me and, yes, I fight it at times, but in the back of my mind I know that all is well and I am where I need to be.  I want to work on bringing that to the front of my mind all the time because there is a lot to be grateful for and things really do work in amazing ways.

Today I am grateful for leadership.  I found myself in a funk recently with some old fear habits.  I had been scheduled to speak with my mentor prior to that happening, so (in another show of synchronicity), as I felt some negative patterns emerge, I got on the phone with my mentor.  She told me to keep working on myself and my mindset.  She is the one who brought up the ability to see the big picture for other people but not for myself.  She talked me off the ledge and reminded me that there is a bigger picture for me and that, even when it’s a little scary or bleak, we just have to keep moving forward.  It was timely and exactly what I needed to hear.  Sometimes we need someone to see us and remind us that we are really ok.  Sometimes we need someone a bit further removed from ourselves to show us we are doing better than we think.  It’s one foot in front of the other.

Today I am grateful for a plan moving forward.  Between all the signs and synchronicities, and the advice of my mentor, I feel more stable in my plan moving forward.  I know not everything goes to plan, that isn’t the point.  The point is that this is a new direction to shift.  This is a new way to move in that one degree turn every day toward what really works.  Toward what feels right.  Sometimes that perspective involves learning something new or it means trusting someone else’s guidance for a bit or even taking your hands off the wheel.  But it all means having the right direction to move forward so you find the steps to take.  I am grateful for the help to move forward.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I have always loved storms.  I don’t know if it’s a thing about where I’m from or if it’s something in my blood but I never really shied away from storms since I was about five years old.  My mother is terrified of them and the littlest cloud in the sky can send her running for the basement so perhaps it was a divisive thing for me, a way to prove I was different.  I honestly don’t know.  Moving where we are now is more open and the weather is different so I do have a different level of respect/healthy fear when it comes to watching how quickly the weather can turn, but I love seeing the power of nature.  I love the feeling of the unknown.  I love the feeling of the air during and after a storm.  I love getting cozy and watching the weather through the window—the whole experience of it.

So why don’t I tolerate the storms in my own life?  Taking an honest stock of the trajectory of my days, I can see where I’ve brought in my own issues and fears, and those are the days I hate the most.  Anything that gets disrupted in my day or doesn’t go to plan feels mildly irritating at a minimum but has the power to derail me if I let it.  It isn’t about MY plan, it’s just that I can’t stand if something doesn’t go as it’s supposed to.  Maybe it’s just a function of my brain to not pivot well, I’m not sure.  But the rain on the roof woke me up this morning and I immediately calmed down and found myself asking these questions—if the rain can put me in such a good mood, why can’t I tolerate the changes in my life?  It’s all part of the same season regardless.

This is now a goal of mine: I want to be more patient and tolerant of the bumps in the road.  I am well aware that things don’t always go smoothly and I know they aren’t meant to, so instead of complaining about it when it happens, I want to pivot.  This is a big mindset shift, transitioning from victim to victor.  It truly means letting go and allowing everything to happen as if it was all part of the plan.  It helps knowing on some level that it truly was all part of the plan anyway, even if it wasn’t my plan.  This is the collapse of ego and wanting to seem always in control, that I knew exactly what was going to happen.  How ridiculous is that?  No one knows everything that is going to happen, why should I get the spoilers?  So I practice breathing and allowing and letting go a bit more each day.  I practice leaning into who I am and who I want to be and recognizing that the challenges I face are either not really challenges or that they will get me where I need to go.  If I love some storms, I can learn to love my storms.  We all can. 

We’ve had quite a bit on our plate lately between work, shifting jobs, starting new projects, our son going to camp, a business trip coming up, illness.  I felt completely helpless, like I was doing everything wrong, like the future was ruined, like I wouldn’t succeed, like I wasn’t clear in anything, like a doormat and a failure.  Right in the middle of a meltdown, I saw a cicada sitting on our fence.  I didn’t think much of it at the time until I came back later and saw it was still there.  And then later still in the day, it was there.  So I took it as a sign and I looked up the spiritual meaning of a cicada and I was floored.

These insects represent rebirth, rejuvenation, and allowing the hidden or dormant parts of our lives come out.  It’s about change, renewal, and transformation.  These animals are a good omen indicating emergence is at hand and is indicative of self-development.  The symbolism also talks about being a good communicator.  Finally, I also read about the positive impact of the animal, discussion on expectations, learning, trusting timing, a new beginning, being optimistic, and experiencing freedom.  I could not believe that every one of my anxieties had been addressed in that moment.  This amazing little creature brought the message that all of those fears are meaningless.  It’s up to me to take action and there is a very good chance that with action, the very life I want to experience will happen.  This is the living reminder that sometimes things have to fall apart to come together. 

Yes, it’s terrifying to think of letting go of all that I’ve achieved so far.  But it’s also terrifying to have this feeling of wanting something more and not doing anything about it, or that it can’t happen.  This thing inside isn’t so far beneath the surface and if eel it trying to emerge more every day.  Like the cicada, there is something trying to come out of me.  It is ok to trust that, while things are falling apart, they are absolutely coming together.  I know I need to become fully who I am and that means embracing all facets of myself.  It means taking some leaps and allowing that which no longer serves to crumble away.  This animal is saying it is safe to do so. 

I never felt such relief from a sign from the universe.  Things really do happen for a reason and I am so grateful for each reminder that I am on the right path.  Even if I have a meltdown and feel like I’m losing my way, there is something to remind me that all is well.  This is all part of the plan.  The things we no longer need eventually do fall away in time, it’s part of the natural course of life.  The key is getting the vision and believing in it.  Taking the steps needed to become the person I know I am and to release the fear of it.  To know I am always supported even if it feels like it will never be light again.  This message is the same for all of us.  We are always supported and cared for and guided.  We just have to be open to the guidance and remember it all the time.    

This anniversary is a little different.  My husband and I have been together for over two decades.  It hasn’t been the smoothest of relationships.  But I’m loving this phase.  I’m loving the gentleness and the space we are creating for each other.  I love the understanding we are developing for each other.  I love the appreciation we are expressing for each other.  It has been a long road to get here.  I used to celebrate our anniversary like I was checking a box (a familiar pattern I’ve had in my life).  Like it was simply some indicator of time spent, time served with each other.  I look at it differently now.  Time spent together isn’t just about a calendar or getting through something.  It’s about the life you create with each other.  The time spent.  The memories.

In our case we have a full spectrum of memories.  Most people do, don’t get me wrong, but our story spans a time from when we were developing as people together to developing together to learning our own interests again.  Perhaps that is the natural course of things, but I know starting a relationship as young as we did created some patterns we’ve had to break over the years.  Now that we’ve gone through this leg work, we are working on other things.  We’re developing together.  We are learning the process of building together rather than working against each other.  It’s a beautiful thing. 

This anniversary is also an anniversary of a new stepping stone.  We’ve been in our house for over a year now.  Our son completed pre-school and will be starting kindergarten.  We are working on our business together.  I’m opening up more and stepping more comfortably and confidently into my own person.  As much as this anniversary is a celebration of our togetherness, it is also a celebration of who we are as people and how we created this thing together.  In spite of our differences and the troubles we’ve faced over the years, I have always been proud and grateful for both our resilience and our ability to reset. It never gets easier, no, but shifting our focus and rallying together has been our strong point.  This year I am grateful for my husband’s awakening as well as my own.

There was a time I thought coming into our own would destroy our relationship because I feared that we weren’t really who we thought we were.  I thought that awakening would mean we saw each other as someone the other would not openly tolerate or someone that couldn’t be loved anymore as we shifted.  I am so happy and grateful to say that wasn’t the case.  Transformation is hard and when you are set in some ways, we all know how difficult that can be.  We’ve watched each other grow and I wasn’t sure that we could take another evolution because some of those things were not aligning with who we were becoming.  But we haven’t fallen apart.  We truly have grown stronger.  So on this anniversary, I am happy to have my partner and I look forward to our continued evolution together and as individuals. 

Just a quick reminder on connection. So I have a confession: I watch some trash reality TV.  Not often, but I do watch it, especially when I’m sick.  It’s something to keep in the background and I don’t care if I fall asleep while watching it.  I woke up to a series I’ve never watched before, located in southern California and I left it on because I love SoCal.  It happened to be an episode where one of the women was talking about healing the things inside of her originating from childhood.  Yes, I know these women are on a different level financially than most of us, however, hearing her discuss the same things that I was going through when it comes to healing, I know we all go through the same thing. 

The important thing is to share those stories.  We all have these ideas and perceptions in our minds that our stories aren’t worthy or that they have to play out a certain way in order to be valid, but the truth is, the more we share our stories, the more we will see we have in common.  We can more easily help each other navigate through the experiences we all have.  No matter where we are in life, we’ve all got something we carry and we don’t always know what may relate to someone else.  We can’t let our idea of someone else shape our experience of them, just like we wouldn’t want to let someone’s idea of us shape who we are.  It doesn’t matter who we are or where we are from, we are all human and have the same experience. 

The other day before life went a little sideways, I drove home and saw that the kids were outside of the school.  I knew it was my son’s class because they were right outside of his building so I had the thought to go through and see how he was doing.  I circled around the school and drove up by his classroom.  I saw him playing with another little boy, standing in a low tree.  His bright green shorts, his grey shirt, his hand on the tree.  I had a moment of feeling like my son is pure magic.  Honestly, all kids are. I felt complete love swell in my body seeing him.  I was so proud of him for stepping out of his comfort zone and witnessing the freedom on his face as he enjoyed being a little boy.  I had a moment of thinking maybe I didn’t pass on as much anxiety as I feared.

Regardless, I always take the lessons from my son to heart.  I asked Source how I can make the life I want happen because, also in that moment, there wasn’t a single doubt in my mind that I want the freedom to do exactly that.  To be with my child, to see my child, to experience his life with him, to be available to him first instead of my work.  It was so funny because “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks came on the radio and I naturally resonated with the dichotomy in my mind every day.  Being a good person but having boundaries, being clear and firm but kind.  Thinking being available for work all the time would get me somewhere but wanting to be home and working on my own projects.  The answers were already there.

This song also made me realize that there are reasons I behave how I do and there is more work to do.  I have to heal the fear and expectations the women of this family had before and up through me.  I do carry the expectation that things need to go perfectly in order to be “right” because that was an expectation of all the women in my family.  If it wasn’t perfect then it wasn’t worth it or it was ruined.  Expectations put too much pressure on people and set us up for failure, so I want to lessen my expectations of other people and increase them of myself in my personal life. 

I have to heal.  Healing means loving the person I am and accepting myself.  This isn’t a new message, we’ve talked about it a lot here.  I express it to others as often as I can.  But I think to elevate to the next level there are things I need to increase in my own life and this is a practice that has room to grow.  Healing and accepting the self isn’t easy.  Recognizing what doesn’t belong to you to heal is a bit harder because, even though it’s innate in you, it isn’t yours.  You’ve expressed it as if it’s yours for so long it feels like it belongs with you but it doesn’t.  Even this is a matter of accepting.  Accepting over and over again and releasing just as often. 

When we learn to differentiate what is ours and what isn’t, it’s easier to float.  It’s also easier to thrive because we release the baggage that was never intended to be ours in the first place.  The weight of experiences for things that happened and were valid at the time doesn’t apply any longer so we can let it go.  We learn this in owning what our story is and in sharing it.  The parts of us we hide for whatever reason. Our stories have a positive impact.  Healing involves sharing that and embracing who we are.  So if you aren’t sure, get honest with yourself first and be honest about what is yours and what isn’t and know you are worthy of releasing it all.  Children are wonderful reminders of this.  I thank my son for helping me when he didn’t even know it. 

My son fell asleep on my lap the other night.  He hasn’t done that in a while so it was a sweet moment, especially considering we are all sick and leaning on each other.  I felt his little body curled up against me and I thought to myself, “So much fear to lose, so much life to gain.”  The joy of children is contagious as is their bravery.  There isn’t one thing that holds my kid back.  He is fully transparent with himself at all times and he knows what he wants and he isn’t shy to admit it, either.  I had a series of thoughts I wanted to share as I sat with my kid.

1. How is this my life?  I feel so lucky to be safe in this moment.  I feel so lucky that my son feels safe enough to sleep on me like I slept on my father as a kid. Even if we don’t feel well, this feels amazing.  It’s beautiful.
2. I don’t deserve it and I’m going to fuck it up.  I am so afraid I’m going to do something wrong and break everything I’ve built and lose it all.  I’ve scarred my kid and he will totally resent me in the future.
3. Everything is as it should be.  I can trust that all is well and we will continue to follow whatever plan is there for us.  We all face bumps in the road
4. I will recover.  Having this illness terrifies me and makes me worry about the future.  I hope I didn’t do the wrong thing by myself or my kid because we are still sick in spite of it.  I have to believe that we will be ok.  This is honestly really mild and we will be fine.
5. I will be ok.  These thoughts are just thoughts.  They come and go and they are welcome.  I don’t need to attach an outcome to any of them.  Just because I think them doesn’t make them real, it’s the emotion and intention behind them.  I am ok.  All is well.
6. All of this is in my head.  I have the power to change the thoughts and either sit with them or let them go.  I do not need to attach the emotion to them.  I am in control of my brain.
7. Breathe.
8. I have to live.  There is no point in letting all this time pass by.  There is no point in trying to control everything that happens in life.  The best we can do is simply go for it and enjoy while we can.  We may not understand the why or the whole plan, but we can trust it’s for a reason.

So many thoughts come and go and they arrive at different times.  It doesn’t matter.  We have to select what we give meaning to.  We have to select what we believe in.  I am grateful for my son and the things he has no idea he is teaching me simply through being himself.    

Today I am grateful for development.  We recently took a business trip for a conference for the company we’ve become a part of.  I am so grateful for each and every learning experience we had while we were down there.  I’m grateful for the connection and assistance and camaraderie I witnessed.  I’m grateful for the support I witnessed.  I’m grateful to understand what has been gifted to me.  I’m grateful to my mentor for reaching out when she did.  Sometimes people see things in us we don’t see in ourselves.  Sometimes people believe in you before you believe in yourself. 

Today I am grateful for hunger.  Following up on my first point, I am grateful to have a new relationship with hunger.  I used to seek comfort at all costs but I recently heard that aging is the aggressive pursuit of comfort.  If we immediately satiate the desires we have, we lose the creativity to find a way out.  You see, hunger is only dangerous if you don’t guide it or understand what it’s driving you toward: your desire.  The body/mind function optimally when they are a bit stressed.  There is a sweet spot of creative/productive anxiety that leads to phenomenal results.  If we train ourselves that we are going to die if our needs aren’t immediately met, everything becomes a crisis.  We want to be driven enough and clear enough to be properly motivated.  So let yourself get a little uncomfortable.  A little hungry and see what you are really seeking.  Clarity comes from engagement of what we know is on the other side of our fear.  Go toward it.

Today I am grateful for honesty.  I’ve spent too many years lying to myself.  I thought it was the polite thing to not want too much.  I thought it was the right thing to do as I’ve been told.  I thought it was selfish to admit desires and that it was selfish to want more.  But when we admit what we want and who we are it unleashes a greater potential than we realized we had.  Getting honest about who we are leads us to what we’ve been searching for all along: ourselves.  Getting honest isn’t selfish, it is the greatest fulfillment of our purpose we can have.  The universe can’t answer our desires if we don’t share them.  I know what I want now and it doesn’t matter what someone else labels it (selfish, greedy, etc.).  What matters is that is the course I know I need to take.

Today I am grateful for movement.  Moving the body is something many of us take for granted—myself included. I’ve been ill and had a minor injury so I haven’t been moving as much as I would like as of late.  I allowed myself to fall back into some old habits because I didn’t feel like pushing beyond.  But let me tell you about the difference in my mind and soul and my body.  At first it felt good to “relax.”  But all too quickly it went from a “this is nice” feeling to an “everything is overwhelming” feeling.  Moving the body is so important and necessary.  We are designed to move.  We are designed to push.  I do not take that for granted and I am grateful to get back to healthy habits.

Today I am grateful for validation.  This one is sort of silly but I am grateful all the same.  I notoriously have issues with log ins and mobile apps.  Things literally stop working for no reason.  Today we had a hiccup with one of my work out programs where I couldn’t log in.  My husband watched as I tried and tried, he tried and tried, and over and over we saw the same message that I wasn’t recognized.  Normally it’s a little joke, but this is something that drives me nuts.  Technology isn’t perfect, but I believe if we invest in something, it should work.  Regardless, when my husband did the same things I was doing and still had no success, it finally dawned on him that I wasn’t making this up.  All of the issues I’ve had before literally came out of nowhere (I’ve been told “I’ve never seen that before” more times than I can count).  Again, it’s silly, but it’s nice for someone to know this is one area I’m not crazy 😊

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.    

Lesson two from Disney comes from one of my favorites: Wreck it Ralph.  This one is specifically from Ralph Breaks the Internet.  There’s a scene in the movie when all of the original Disney princesses are sitting around talking about how they had their revelations.  They’re telling Vanellope to find some water and she will start singing.  Sure enough, Vanellope has an epiphany about leaving her game and going into a different game but she has fears about leaving Ralph.  At the same time, Ralph is running around doing all of these things so they can return to their game.  Earlier in the movie Ralph and Vanellope talked about how he was happy doing the same thing every day because he finally had a friend, and Vanellope wanted to do something more.  Now we see that in their actions.

I had my own epiphany and I didn’t need a body of water to make it happen.  I’ve been like Ralph.  I want all of these other things in my life and I want to do things differently, yet, on a daily basis, I’m running around doing the same things over and over.  I was even still trying to work while sick just to prove that I’m a team player and that I don’t want to get behind because the job matters. In my soul, I know it doesn’t.  I know I want something more.  So why am I so afraid to let it all fall apart?  Because doing what I do now is known.  Yes, I know I want something else but I haven’t found the foot holds to go and do it so I repeat the patterns.  I think that’s something we all do.

The thing is, if we are doing what we’ve always done, we will certainly always get what we’ve always gotten.  Yes, we feel safe, (I feel safe) repeating the pattern but it isn’t getting me where I want to be.  If there is something on the other side of the fear that I want to do then I need to try and do something else to see where it gets me.  That is the only way we can move forward.  We have to try things even if they don’t’ make sense and even if they scare us.  We will only know what we are capable of if we push ourselves to do something different or try something new. 

Sometimes life nudges us and sometimes it pushes us off the ledge.  Sometimes it allows us the courtesy of having a realization while watching a Disney movie.  It’s what we do with those lessons that determines the results.  I’ve had a beautiful few days learning these lessons and becoming something new but what matters now is what I do with this information.  I’m so fortunate to have these lessons in my back pocket.  Now it’s a matter of what I do with it.  The action is what matters.  I know I do not want to continue stifling my life.  It’s time to allow and get honest and follow the new path.  As hard as it can be to leave things behind, it’s necessary to turn the page.  It is safe to close the chapter and move forward.  Not everything is meant to be safe and known.  Sometimes it is simply meant to be how it is.

The universe is really on a role with me.  They say that the universe whispers the lesson and if you don’t get it, it smacks you with a two by four.  I’ve been sick and finishing up some internal work (which I know won’t actually be finished) and these beautiful messages keep coming my way.  So, since the whole family is down right now, we spent some time watching TV and we just happened to go through a Disney day.  Ironic considering I was already dealing with some misperceived lessons from Disney as I mentioned a few posts ago 😊.  The universe would call it synchronicity, but here we are. 

We finally watched Lightyear and let me tell you I went into a tailspin.  I hated the movie for most of it because I have such an engrained fear of time.  This movie specifically deals with losing time and spending so much time focusing on making things right and getting it perfect that quite literally life passes away in the blink of an eye.  What is four minutes to the character is really four years to everyone else and Buzz spends so much time trying to fix his errors, his partner eventually dies.  He couldn’t appreciate the life that he had right here and now because he was so fixated on his mission. He missed the point of the life he could have made.  There is a point when the character’s granddaughter (the one who passed) says her grandmother’s life did matter.  She raised two generations there regardless of the fact she wasn’t meant to be where they were.  Insert major life lesson.  Making a life instead of fighting for one.

I’ve spent so much time trying to course correct that I’ve missed out on a lot of present moments.  I’ve wished things were a certain way and I felt like a failure if they didn’t go as planned.  I’ve even wanted to go back in time and try again.  I know that isn’t possible, but that feeling lingers.  I’ve often lost sight of the life I have created, thinking that I could have done something better “if only.”  That is a waste of time.  When you start doing inner work and understanding what you are capable of in this moment, of appreciating the time you do have, of being grateful for the experiences you have now, that is when you align and a new path unfolds, or rather, the answers come. 

The point is to make a life here and now.  It doesn’t matter what it looks like because the point isn’t to get it perfect.  Trying to make it perfect is a waste of time.  We are trained that if it isn’t perfect, it doesn’t matter, but we learn that life matters simply because of the experience of it.  Don’t waste the precious gift we have.  Make the most of it.  Love every second you have and appreciate it because you never know how long you have.  You never know the fingerprints you leave behind and that isn’t always the point.  The impact we make doesn’t have to be great to be significant for one person.  Our lives can matter just in what we do on a daily basis.  Simply being who we are is enough.