Sneaking a Peek at My Son

Photo by Ron Lach on

The other day before life went a little sideways, I drove home and saw that the kids were outside of the school.  I knew it was my son’s class because they were right outside of his building so I had the thought to go through and see how he was doing.  I circled around the school and drove up by his classroom.  I saw him playing with another little boy, standing in a low tree.  His bright green shorts, his grey shirt, his hand on the tree.  I had a moment of feeling like my son is pure magic.  Honestly, all kids are. I felt complete love swell in my body seeing him.  I was so proud of him for stepping out of his comfort zone and witnessing the freedom on his face as he enjoyed being a little boy.  I had a moment of thinking maybe I didn’t pass on as much anxiety as I feared.

Regardless, I always take the lessons from my son to heart.  I asked Source how I can make the life I want happen because, also in that moment, there wasn’t a single doubt in my mind that I want the freedom to do exactly that.  To be with my child, to see my child, to experience his life with him, to be available to him first instead of my work.  It was so funny because “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks came on the radio and I naturally resonated with the dichotomy in my mind every day.  Being a good person but having boundaries, being clear and firm but kind.  Thinking being available for work all the time would get me somewhere but wanting to be home and working on my own projects.  The answers were already there.

This song also made me realize that there are reasons I behave how I do and there is more work to do.  I have to heal the fear and expectations the women of this family had before and up through me.  I do carry the expectation that things need to go perfectly in order to be “right” because that was an expectation of all the women in my family.  If it wasn’t perfect then it wasn’t worth it or it was ruined.  Expectations put too much pressure on people and set us up for failure, so I want to lessen my expectations of other people and increase them of myself in my personal life. 

I have to heal.  Healing means loving the person I am and accepting myself.  This isn’t a new message, we’ve talked about it a lot here.  I express it to others as often as I can.  But I think to elevate to the next level there are things I need to increase in my own life and this is a practice that has room to grow.  Healing and accepting the self isn’t easy.  Recognizing what doesn’t belong to you to heal is a bit harder because, even though it’s innate in you, it isn’t yours.  You’ve expressed it as if it’s yours for so long it feels like it belongs with you but it doesn’t.  Even this is a matter of accepting.  Accepting over and over again and releasing just as often. 

When we learn to differentiate what is ours and what isn’t, it’s easier to float.  It’s also easier to thrive because we release the baggage that was never intended to be ours in the first place.  The weight of experiences for things that happened and were valid at the time doesn’t apply any longer so we can let it go.  We learn this in owning what our story is and in sharing it.  The parts of us we hide for whatever reason. Our stories have a positive impact.  Healing involves sharing that and embracing who we are.  So if you aren’t sure, get honest with yourself first and be honest about what is yours and what isn’t and know you are worthy of releasing it all.  Children are wonderful reminders of this.  I thank my son for helping me when he didn’t even know it. 

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