My son fell asleep on my lap the other night. He hasn’t done that in a while so it was a sweet moment, especially considering we are all sick and leaning on each other. I felt his little body curled up against me and I thought to myself, “So much fear to lose, so much life to gain.” The joy of children is contagious as is their bravery. There isn’t one thing that holds my kid back. He is fully transparent with himself at all times and he knows what he wants and he isn’t shy to admit it, either. I had a series of thoughts I wanted to share as I sat with my kid.
- How is this my life? I feel so lucky to be safe in this moment. I feel so lucky that my son feels safe enough to sleep on me like I slept on my father as a kid. Even if we don’t feel well, this feels amazing. It’s beautiful.
- I don’t deserve it and I’m going to fuck it up. I am so afraid I’m going to do something wrong and break everything I’ve built and lose it all. I’ve scarred my kid and he will totally resent me in the future.
- Everything is as it should be. I can trust that all is well and we will continue to follow whatever plan is there for us. We all face bumps in the road
- I will recover. Having this illness terrifies me and makes me worry about the future. I hope I didn’t do the wrong thing by myself or my kid because we are still sick in spite of it. I have to believe that we will be ok. This is honestly really mild and we will be fine.
- I will be ok. These thoughts are just thoughts. They come and go and they are welcome. I don’t need to attach an outcome to any of them. Just because I think them doesn’t make them real, it’s the emotion and intention behind them. I am ok. All is well.
- All of this is in my head. I have the power to change the thoughts and either sit with them or let them go. I do not need to attach the emotion to them. I am in control of my brain.
- I have to live. There is no point in letting all this time pass by. There is no point in trying to control everything that happens in life. The best we can do is simply go for it and enjoy while we can. We may not understand the why or the whole plan, but we can trust it’s for a reason.
So many thoughts come and go and they arrive at different times. It doesn’t matter. We have to select what we give meaning to. We have to select what we believe in. I am grateful for my son and the things he has no idea he is teaching me simply through being himself.