Ironically after I wrote yesterday’s piece, I had a moment to support the idea of death and moving forward.  We are ever changing beings in the process of evolving all the time.  at some point last year I wrote a piece about death and the creative process.  I spoke about how creation is destructive because you have to eliminate/destroy what was in order to build something new.  In order to get something new, you have to let go of what once was. On the way home from grocery shopping, I had a deeper understanding of what that actually means.  My husband and I had a small spat about a financial decision he made and I heard myself say something along the lines of I am not willing to do this anymore because I’ve been doing it for too long.  What struck me, though, was the realization that came over me—in order for him to stop this particular habit, I need to stop my reaction to it/acceptance of it.  Even if it isn’t an outright acceptance, there needs to be a different response in order to change the situation. In order to move forward, you have to let go of who we were.

A slight sadness came over me.  I talk a lot about self-acceptance and integrating who we were to form who we are.  Accepting who we are allows us to determine the distance to where we need/want to be, and if I had to shift that person, where does that person go?  I suddenly felt like I was abandoning myself because the magnitude of letting go of that former person hit me.  Logically, I know this isn’t true, this is just part of the process because you can’t hold onto two things on opposite sides and expect to move forward: you end up getting pulled apart.  Along with the sadness, I felt a little glow from within, knowing this is the right track.  Yes, in order to move forward, you have to leave who you were behind. 

If you want to be successful, if you want to obtain a particular career, if you want to live a certain lifestyle, you have to become that person.  If you want to be a person who carries the world lightly, you can no longer be angered by the small stuff.  If you want to be a person who loves unconditionally, you have to live without expectations of others or yourself.  If you want to be a person who is physically fit, you have to stop snacking and sitting around.  If you have a message to share, you have to use your voice.  If you want to have a better relationship with money, you need to believe in abundance.    For me, if I want to be someone who lives without fear, I need to let go of control and learn better adaptability along with acceptance of who I am.  If I want to have a better relationship with people, I need to accept who they are—which means accepting myself. If I want to move forward, I can’t relive the past.

I also realized that we do this in stages.  I think I had the emotional reaction to this understanding because I believed that I was done with this—I thought I let go/reconciled what I needed to in order to move on.  I have made wonderful progress on that front so I ignorantly thought I was moved past this part, that I had accepted letting go.  But I know the universe is cyclical and the lesson will repeat until we learn it and if there are facets of something we are still hanging onto, then we will be tested.  This was something I was still hanging onto.  It’s ok to be sad about a death, especially when it’s your own.  It’s ok to be conflicted when learning to set boundaries because it’s challenging to enforce something new in your life.  It’s ok to have to come back to it until you understand it.  Moving forward means going through and letting go of what you once were—over and over again.   

“You just died and you have to look at what you would do differently.  Can’t we move forward as if that has happened?”  I don’t recall where I heard this but it’s been spinning in my mind for a while now.  Several things happened recently that reminded me of mortality and my real goals, and It hit differently than it normally does as I’m recognizing my own aging.  My 9-5 is in healthcare and we see a lot of really difficult things from young sick people, to older people fighting alone, and everything in between.  Recently some of the decisions made that impact my teams haven’t settled well with me.  The world is a confusing enough place and I see how these decisions are going to impact patients and my employees.  I see how we are removing the humanity out of what we do in order to satisfy a bottom line.  I don’t want to be part of that.

As it happens, the universe starts shoving us in the right direction even if that means leaving behind the perceived security of what we know.  In the course of two days, I was blessed to be put in positions to connect with people.  Each of them needed to be heard, they needed a bit of guidance, and they needed to be validated as people, that what they felt was ok.  I put aside my role at work and I literally listened to those who needed it.  I heard their stories, I offered advice when I could (and when asked) and left the situation moderately better than where I found it.  And selfishly, I felt better.  After my third encounter, it really hit me that those were the interactions I wanted to have.  THAT’S was what I want my day to look like.  THAT’S how I want to feel. 

So now it’s time to move forward with that information and live my life with this lesson and embrace who I really am.  For so long I’ve been trying to fit myself into a box and to accept that I need to do the things I was told on a daily basis.  I knew I wanted to get out of the box but I never fully accepted that I simply need to step out of it.  The box doesn’t work—and, again, I knew that, I just didn’t see a way out.  Now the light between the seams is getting brighter.  The way comes when we are ready.  So knowing that I didn’t fit in the box was the first step.  Accepting that I didn’t fit in the box and stopping trying to fit in (and being ok with not fitting in) was the second step.  Now finding the way out is the third.  The more I think about it, I honestly feel like it’s indicative of what I’ve said all along: there really isn’t a box.  It’s a matter of being comfortable being who you are.

Perhaps we don’t have to look at death as a scary thing.  We can look at is as the greatest transformation.  We can look at the growth it offers.  We can make decisions differently knowing it is time to move forward.  We can move forward with the new information and start living the life we want now.  We don’t need permission.  That is the beauty of nature and life: each day we are blessed to wake up is an opportunity to do something differently.  It’s a new beginning.  As the day before us passes away, so too does that version of who we are.  We don’t need to hold onto that.  We don’t need to accept what we’ve always done as what we need to continue with.  When we find what is right, it is time to embrace that and follow it.  Of course the choice is always ours.  But leaving those previous choices behind for the chance at something new opens doors we didn’t know existed.  Step through.  

Just a short note on a message I heard from Tabitha Brown the other day where she was talking about a full feeling.  She shared a story of eating a delicious meal and knowing she was full but continuing to eat anyway.  She then went on to explain the discomfort of sitting there after eating more than she should have.  The beauty of this message is when she expanded it to life.  So many times we run around trying to cram in more and more, thinking it will satiate us or that we will be happy with more when the reality is we need to learn to sit with what we have and let it settle.  Let it digest before we try to stuff in more. 

I know I’m guilty of running around trying to fi tit all in, trying to make my life more and never really sitting in the moment and simply enjoying it as is. I’m a thousand steps ahead thinking of all that needs to be done or all the things I want to do rather than simply being.  We are taught to be everywhere but where we are, even at the most basic level of knowing when we’ve consumed enough.  It can be challenging to apply that to other areas of our lives when we don’t have a firm grasp of our own bodies.

Sometimes we have to learn to be content with where we are, enjoy what we’ve done rather than trying to consume more.  We don’t always need to take in more.  We need to accept and assimilate what we’ve already done.  We need to produce to share some of what we have, we need to prune in order to allow more growth.  We don’t want to burst, we simply want to allow what we have to overflow to others.  We have to learn to accept the natural ebb and flow, the fullness and the emptiness, as a part of life.  Accept when we have had enough.  Then we fill again when the time is right.   

There are moments when we meet people when things simply click.  There is an openness and a humility that we didn’t expect but it is completely real.  It’s also refreshing to meet people and see they are exactly who they claim to be.  There is an alignment between what we see and what we get and it’s as if we were aligned all along.  There is no weirdness, no pressure, it just flows.  For me, those moments are rare—I’m socially awkward, I overshare or I’m entirely quiet, I get nervous or over confident, and I fidget regardless of what I feel so it makes me feel completely vulnerable like everyone can see I’m a “fraud.”  I recently experienced a moment of alignment and relief with a business partner the other day and it made reality click in a new way.

I’ve been working on a side business for a while and admittedly haven’t seen much success in it.  I have a million excuses, most of them valid to be entirely honest, but my perspective shifted a bit the other day when I met with this person.  We’ve had virtual meetings plenty of times and it was hard to get a gauge on him at first.  I’m naturally pretty skeptical as well, so I go in with my guard up.  Regardless, we set up this meeting at a team event that was happening closer to me (this partner lives our East).  When I got there, warmth radiated and there was an absolute openness I didn’t expect.  Suddenly there are options.  I mean, no mystery, we’ve been talking about that here for over a year now. 

So what is it about seeing someone in person?  I mean, technology connects us but the truth is it can divide us as much as it connects.  There is the shield of the screen and the camera where we can curate what we share and what things look like rather than express who we are.  I mean, I’ve been pretty vulnerable here sharing stories but even that is a matter of how much to share, how much detail, and wondering if people even really want to read that.  So the same can be said about meeting people.  Even though I’m an open book, is it a matter of protection and over-sharing as a shield? 

The relief I felt at seeing the reality match the perception felt amazing.  There were no airs, no hierarchy, and honestly, no nerves.  Not only is there a comfort level, there is a peace at full expression and acceptance of who we are.  There is also something to be said about consistency and matching energy.  We had a conversation that helped me understand things in a new way.  It helped me see how to approach life and my business in a way that will open things up.  It helped me see how continued genuine expression is key to opening and creating the life we want  for ourselves, a life that can fulfill our purpose and help others.  There is an element of trust established when you meet in person and even more trust in yourself when you see the possibilities reflected in yourself. 

We only get what we give and when you see people at a different level, achieving what you want, take that as a sign you’re on the right path.  Trust that you are matching that frequency at some level and have the ability to match the output you’re looking for.  If you’re experiencing it, trust it because your energy got you there in the first place. If you can harness that and take in the message, you’ll see the mutual reciprocity and exchange of that energy.  So always be open, always have faith in yourself, and always try your best to put aside any preconceived notions you may have.  The universe aligns us with who is meant to be in our lives.

Today I am grateful for friends.  I’m normally a pretty reserved, quiet person.  I tend to not need a lot of interaction with people.  I’m pretty self-sufficient (thank you childhood trauma).  But I am blessed to still have moments of absolute caring and support from people.  There are people who don’t care about my hyper independence, people who love me and I am so fortunate to get to spend time with them.  I saw my best friend of 32 years yesterday and it felt amazing.  It’s always like no time passes yet we are aware of where we are in each other’s lives.  This is a relationship beyond friendship, she is family. 

Today I am grateful for experiences.  I went to my second Renaissance Faire yesterday with other friends and my husband and son.  One of my favorite things is seeing my son experience things for the first time and there are so many things to see at a Ren Faire.  It was a delightful morning, seeing people unwind and be who they are along with the entertainers and games and stores.  It’s nice to get out of routine and just enjoy a new experience every now and then.

Today I am grateful for learning.  As we evolve and change, so do our circumstances.  These are not innate things we know how to navigate on our own.  Today I spent some time with my husband and my mentor going over some work we are trying to accomplish.  Moving forward and making decisions to change a lifestyle and accept and embrace the new that comes with it is a challenge.  But it is always worth it.  As overwhelmed as I feel, it’s amazing to know that this work lays the foundation for our family and things we want to experience together.

Today I am grateful for faith.  Doing something new takes a real leap of faith, and doing that while things are relatively shaky requires even more faith.  Without it we stagnate because we don’t trust ourselves or source/whatever we may believe in enough to move.  We happened to be hit by an unexpected expense a few weeks ago and we are working on recovering through that, but I know we will be ok.  Taking additional chances to start a new venture after this expenditure is even more risky—but I know that’s even more reason to do it.  I am grateful for choosing not to stagnate, not to stick with fear, not to stick with what I knew and to move forward.

Today I am grateful for discomfort.  No, this isn’t something I normally embrace.  I’m fairly risk averse and I like having some sense of security.  That isn’t a terrible thing but the things we need are often outside of that boundary.  They are on the other side of the things we do to stay “stable” and secure.  Trying something new is a risk but it’s even more risky waiting for the life you want to develop on its own, through hope and wishes.  Now don’t get me wrong, hope and wishes are part of that as well because we need some kind of faith—but we have to take action.  We have to take the steps shown to us when the time comes because they are a direct response to the things we’ve asked for.  I’m grateful because the steps are uncomfortable, but they are going to get me where I need to be.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“That is what life is, taking the time to hit the right notes,” Ray Charles.  I came across this the other day and it got me thinking a bit.  We don’t need to rush through life, trying to complete everything or trying to get it right.  We need to take the time to recognize what is right for us.  I’ve said it before but sometimes there are certain words that just resonate and make sense or it takes a different cadence for it to click with some people.  When you move through life, not only do we need to listen to the song of other people, we need to feel the rhythm of the universe, and most importantly, we need to remember what our own rhythm is, the music we create. 

Sometimes it isn’t so much about hitting the right notes, it’s about creating them.  It’s about finding who we are and finding our own rhythm in the grand mix of the universe.  This is the same as forging our own path and it’s a beautiful reinforcement of the fact that we have a place in the universe.  There is a flow to the universe, an understanding of who we are that expresses in joy and happiness and presence.  None of those things come easily because we are told (especially in western culture) that we need to earn that happiness and joy rather than understanding the inherent state of it.

I’ve written a few pieces lately about seeing the anger in people, the frustration, the misery that they express on a daily basis.  As I think more about it, can you honestly say you believe the purpose of your life is to spend a third of it miserable, a third of it asleep, and then trying to cram in a few things you like with the other third?  I know I can’t.  There is so much more out there, there is so much more we are meant to do and experience.  We are meant to appreciate and live in every moment. Awake and alive.  Feeling the rhythm, the beating of our hearts, the in and out of breath in our lungs, the movement we are graced with.  THAT is life. 

I know in the moments of synchronicity that I’ve shared here, I have never felt more alive.  Things happen for a reason and when we experience the divine guidance through the natural state of who we are, it is magic.  We are taught to forget that, our connection to the rhythm that naturally takes us where we need to be.  It’s a combination of control and attempting to control what we are not responsible for.  We have ourselves, we are responsible for ourselves, and that is all the sovereignty we are granted.  Something they never tell you is the joy you get from having that type of peace in your life.  Knowing what is yours and respecting what isn’t.  We like to think we can change people’s state or make them fulfill our will, or feel powerful if we exert that control, but that doesn’t mean anything.  The ability to rest in who we are is unlike anything else.

So take the time to learn to reconnect with who you are and dive into that being.  Rather, dive into being that person.  You have the power, you have the vision, all you need to do is allow.  Listen to the messages you know you hear, the calls that you try to ignore because you are told they are wrong.  Listen to what you feel inside of you.  Hear the beautiful rhythm of your own soul and the notes you didn’t know it could play.  Then play those notes, loud and clear to create the song of your soul.  Trust me, you will never hear anything more beautiful. 

There are some moments that are absolutely jarring in life.  We think of tragedy and loss and pain and the way they can ever alter us mentally and physically.  We rarely talk about the moments of magic.  Those instances when we have the divine confirmed for us and the blessing they are.  I was speaking with my son and I told him I love him and we play this game about “More.”  It’s just this little thing we do where I tell him I love him and he says it back and then I say “More” meaning I love you more and he replies, “Not possible” and I chase him around because I love him more.  This time I said, “It’s always possible I love you, you’re home grown, I made you”.  He said, “You didn’t make me, you’ve had me for a thousand years”.  My heart nearly exploded.

I was reminded in that instant of the infinite wisdom of children.  I also thought back to an incident many years ago.  My oldest sister gifted me a reading with a psychic.  When I spoke with the psychic (which I was skeptical about), she told me that I had been with my husband in many iterations over many lifetimes in many ways and in different forms.  I remember thinking of all the ways we had been interconnected over the years, the time before we met when our paths had be crossing and intertwining but not meeting, and all the things that led me to him.  I knew in that instant that she was right.  There was no way that we hadn’t been brought together. I knew the same was true with my son as well.

It’s always said that children speak the truth and they remember far more than we give them credit for.  They have vision into the things we choose to forget as we get older.  I believe that is true.  Ironically, or perhaps synchronistically, there was also a reel I happened across on Instagram.  The reel said something similar to the effect that children know the secrets of life but by the time they turn four years old they forget.  The man in the reel said that he started asking his three year old and the child kept saying he couldn’t tell him because it was a secret and shortly before he turned four, he said he forgot.  I can’t recall the exact verbiage but the dad said the son asked him what HE thought the meaning/secret of life is so the father commented about family and being together.  The son replied, “I knew you would figure it out.” 

We spend a lot of time overcomplicating life.  Between confusing who we are and ambition and misleading thoughts about who and what we have to be and who and what we have to have to be considered successful/worthy in society create massive conflict in the mind.  We forget and we allow the simple truth to fade away.  All we need is each other and to find joy.  We need to experience life, not the roller coaster obstacle course we call life.  Not that there aren’t naturally ups and downs, but we don’t need the self-inflicted mess and drama we bring out.  The moment my son said I’ve had him for a thousand years, I instantly knew he spoke the truth.  Life isn’t complicated, it’s about love and being together and accepting who we are.  It’s about the connection and the remembering of that purpose: to love and care for this gift while we have it because it is painfully short at times.  I will always be on that roller coaster with my family and I am happy to do it, I am blessed to remember that. 

An appropriate follow up to yesterday’s post: I’m learning to meditate—it’s a practice I’ve been dabbling with for years but now I really put the effort in.  I’ve been taking time off lately and I happen to have another long weekend in progress now, and I remember what I used to envision.  I used to envision time doing nothing.  Watching TV, maybe being able to move or I would maniacally move and rush to get things done in my time off. Now I understand the difference between rushing to get things done/get through tings and putting in the work toward self-connection. 

Today’s meditation was a three minute presence focus and the narrator introduced the idea of meditating to sound (well, it was an introduction to me).  He brought us into the present by listening to the things happening around us.  Ironically, for the first time probably ever in my household, there was silence.  I had zero ambient noise at all (no AC running, no people walking around, no animals crying).  But I got to hear one natural sound: a bird softly chirping outside the window.  The first thing that struck me was the silence.  I’m not sure I have ever heard that much emptiness. 

The narrator said to be open to whatever was happening around us, like one big open space where the sound just is and comes and goes and we meet it and allow it to pass.  For the first time in my life, I recognized the silence for what it is: an endless source of potential.  Anything could have filled that moment.  We can meet the emptiness with our own brand, style, and method of creativity and build whatever we can imagine.  Emptiness is not something to fear: it’s a new opportunity—an endless/infinite one at that.

As I sat there hearing nothing and then the bird, nothing, then the bird, I felt the allowance of what is: this beautiful creature adding its song, almost as if saying, “Good Morning.”  When the meditation was completed, I looked at a group I follow on Instagram and the post discussed nature enticing us to spend time with her through the calling of birds.  Absolute synchronicity.  That was another moment where the universe affirmed I am on the right path.  I don’t need to choose stress and hustle and proving on a daily basis to be deemed worthy.  I can be open to what is and share the value of being and love and enjoy the day. 

We wear stress like a badge in this society, or like a cloak of honor.  The more stressed we are, the more points we have, thinking we are earning some right to something through giving up our days in exchange for the non-existent promise of tomorrow.  Stress literally kills.  I no longer see the value in it.  I have no desire to keep up with it.  And as I continue this journey of opening up to who I am and embracing the things I wanted (but didn’t know I could actually do), I welcome the possibilities of other ways.  I welcome the ease that life can be when you just live it as it is.  I welcome the joy of being present and having fun.  I welcome the creativity and talent that opens doors to everything.  I welcome myself and honor who I am and what I am meant to be, my purpose. 

A good indicator of it being time to move on is if you no longer see any value in what you’re doing or if you can’t find the good in it any longer.  I mean, there is good in everything, of course, but if you can’t find it or if you don’t feel it, chances are it isn’t aligned with you and you need to find something else.  I also understand that there is value in challenges/obstacles.  It is fabulous to learn something new about yourself and sometimes in order for that to happen, we need to be pushed outside of our comfort zone.  But I’m talking about situations where there is no point.  The circles are spinning, the actions are repeating, and no one is getting anywhere.  I’m also talking about those moments where we are stressed beyond capacity and it isn’t a positive stress, it’s the demoralizing, draining kind.

I sat at my desk the other day and I found myself in such a situation.  I felt my blood pressure up, I could feel my breathing constrict, and I felt my whole body tense up because I was managing another fire that could have easily been resolved by the first person.  NO VALUE ADDED.  As I sat there ready to scream or cry (maybe both) I heard myself say without thinking, “I can’t deal with this anymore, there is no point.”  I asked myself why do we continue to repeat the patterns we know get us nowhere?  Why do we feel this is what our days are meant to look like?  Who said this is the way?  Who decided that this is what our lives are meant to look like and why did I buy in?  There is nothing genuine in it, not anymore at least.  There is no care in what we do beyond making sure it gets done.

Normally I would find myself bristling and finding a way to fight it, turn it back on the other person, or bitch about it incessantly.  This time I didn’t even want to consider that.  I didn’t want to waste my energy on that.  I simply wanted to exit stage left and quietly go about my business elsewhere, the things I really wanted to do.  Like, if this works for you, great, but I know this isn’t for me anymore.  I always wanted to prove I could do it. I mean, I made it to this level, I did the work and I know I CAN do it.  But is it how I really want to invest my time anymore? 

When you arrive at this question and you understand that the answer is a choice—moreover, if you know the answer is “No” then you know what you need to do.  You know that it is time to do something different.  It’s time to invest the time in something meaningful for you.  I’m learning so many things don’t pan out exactly how I thought they would—they weren’t how I pictured them.  But I can guarantee that even if it didn’t look “right,” I got exactly what I needed.  It’s amazing, it has never failed.  There is no need to panic, there is just an absolute necessity to follow that voice when it’s telling you something is off.  You can trust it. Follow what makes sense for you.   

Following up on the post from yesterday, I want to talk more about our patterns and how we indoctrinate ourselves practically from birth.  There are times I feel so bad for my kid because I try to make him fit into what works for my day.  Like anyone else, I’m busy and have checklists a mile long, teams to manage, a household to run, and things I want to do to keep myself as sane as I can.  I want to keep things in “order” so I can do all the things I want in a day.  Spoiler alert, a five year old doesn’t think like that.  He wants to do what he wants in the moment and all that he knows is he wants to play.  Of course I find the time to play with him, but is it as much as it should be?  Probably not which leads me to the point: why do we think we have to do certain things and why are we so willing to give up what we want to do in order to do something we don’t like?  We think we can save the fun for later or squeeze it in somewhere and we willingly live under the idea that the joy it would bring isn’t necessary. 

I think when it comes down to it, when the time comes to continue on the path we are told to follow, we don’t know we have a choice.  We are indoctrinated with the expected path and the regurgitations of previous generations instead of tapping into our creativity. We don’t even know we can admit the truth: we don’t like what we’re doing anyway!  I ask myself why I fight to continue doing things I don’t want to do.  Why do I force myself to do something that doesn’t align with who I am?  Adversity is a great shaper of character and it teaches us a lot about the direction we need to go in, I get that, but the continual forcing of repeating a pattern I know doesn’t work seems like insanity.    

Perhaps the first step is understanding that we can admit these patterns aren’t working for us.  Maybe it’s even a matter of simply admitting what doesn’t feel good at first.  Then it’s recognizing that we don’t like it.  Then it’s recognizing that some things can’t change and making the decision about whether or not that works for us.  See, we are indoctrinated with the idea that we need to fit in.  We have to find our place in the machine and do as we are told and if we don’t fit then we are “wrong” or “other.”  I think those things that make us outliers are the very things that guide us to where we need to be.  They are the very things that remind us we aren’t all made for the same path.  They are the voice of our souls and we need to re-learn how to listen to them.  If we are taught to not trust that inner voice or that it’s not the right time to do what we are told, then we are always waiting for that permission. 

Naturally there does need to be some sense of order so we at least manage some decorum with each other, I’m not talking about lawlessness and anarchy.  I’m talking about raising up to a new level of acceptance of what is “acceptable” and knowing that it is perfectly normal to not fit in.  I’m talking about shifting the perspective of what life is and opening the flow to what it can be rather than restricting ourselves to the daily grind of the same pattern over and over again, never seeing the world, never really connecting with people, never really learning who we are, never really expressing the magnitude of our beings.  That isn’t living!  That’s a shell of a life.  It’s superficial to live on repeat and not actually experience life.  I’ve learned that just because you are living doesn’t mean you are alive.  Now that I feel this spark, now that I’m not afraid of it, I know I only feel a little potential of what I have inside.  But I swear I will nourish it and cherish it with everything in me until it grows into the light I so profess igniting.  I’m blessed to feel it and I want everyone to feel it too.