Accepting Death of Self

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Ironically after I wrote yesterday’s piece, I had a moment to support the idea of death and moving forward.  We are ever changing beings in the process of evolving all the time.  at some point last year I wrote a piece about death and the creative process.  I spoke about how creation is destructive because you have to eliminate/destroy what was in order to build something new.  In order to get something new, you have to let go of what once was. On the way home from grocery shopping, I had a deeper understanding of what that actually means.  My husband and I had a small spat about a financial decision he made and I heard myself say something along the lines of I am not willing to do this anymore because I’ve been doing it for too long.  What struck me, though, was the realization that came over me—in order for him to stop this particular habit, I need to stop my reaction to it/acceptance of it.  Even if it isn’t an outright acceptance, there needs to be a different response in order to change the situation. In order to move forward, you have to let go of who we were.

A slight sadness came over me.  I talk a lot about self-acceptance and integrating who we were to form who we are.  Accepting who we are allows us to determine the distance to where we need/want to be, and if I had to shift that person, where does that person go?  I suddenly felt like I was abandoning myself because the magnitude of letting go of that former person hit me.  Logically, I know this isn’t true, this is just part of the process because you can’t hold onto two things on opposite sides and expect to move forward: you end up getting pulled apart.  Along with the sadness, I felt a little glow from within, knowing this is the right track.  Yes, in order to move forward, you have to leave who you were behind. 

If you want to be successful, if you want to obtain a particular career, if you want to live a certain lifestyle, you have to become that person.  If you want to be a person who carries the world lightly, you can no longer be angered by the small stuff.  If you want to be a person who loves unconditionally, you have to live without expectations of others or yourself.  If you want to be a person who is physically fit, you have to stop snacking and sitting around.  If you have a message to share, you have to use your voice.  If you want to have a better relationship with money, you need to believe in abundance.    For me, if I want to be someone who lives without fear, I need to let go of control and learn better adaptability along with acceptance of who I am.  If I want to have a better relationship with people, I need to accept who they are—which means accepting myself. If I want to move forward, I can’t relive the past.

I also realized that we do this in stages.  I think I had the emotional reaction to this understanding because I believed that I was done with this—I thought I let go/reconciled what I needed to in order to move on.  I have made wonderful progress on that front so I ignorantly thought I was moved past this part, that I had accepted letting go.  But I know the universe is cyclical and the lesson will repeat until we learn it and if there are facets of something we are still hanging onto, then we will be tested.  This was something I was still hanging onto.  It’s ok to be sad about a death, especially when it’s your own.  It’s ok to be conflicted when learning to set boundaries because it’s challenging to enforce something new in your life.  It’s ok to have to come back to it until you understand it.  Moving forward means going through and letting go of what you once were—over and over again.   

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