I took last Thursday off of work.  I had initially planned on getting things done around the house and even catching up on some of my other work.  What ended up happening was I spent the day drowning in anxiety. I tried to distract myself because I had the whole day with my son so we played.  I tried connecting with myself again; we took a long walk.  Anything to get out of my head. But my mind had other plans and the last two days in particular have been rough.  It felt like my brain was breaking.  It literally felt like my mind was splitting and I could not get grounded no matter what I did. 

Mental exhaustion is an entirely different feeling from physical exhaustion.  It can come out of nowhere and you can’t control it.  I didn’t realize how bad I was feeling until yesterday.  There are things I know I need to change in my life and there are some ties I need to cut.  And it hurts because these are not people I want to lose.  But I also know that they are the source of a lot of my issues. 

I’m afraid to cut ties because I don’t know what my life will look like without them.  I know I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I stick around because I feel like these key players in my life can change.  All of the evidence points to they won’t change– because they don’t want to and they have demonstrated they don’t want to…but I hope they will.  I also know that is giving more power to potential over reality.

That is part of what is causing the anxiety: I’ve tried living in multiple worlds at the same time—and I’ve been doing it for too long.  I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and give them every chance to live up to what I can see in them.  But the truth is that it is simply not reality.  I’m guilty of wanting the stability I’ve afforded myself in the old world but I want the freedom that awaits in my new world.  So I’m straddling the things that exist while trying to create a new life. The problem is the gap is widening and I can’t stretch any further.  There is a quote that says, “When I am upset, it is because I have replaced reality with illusions I made up.”  There is more truth in this can I ever thought possible.    

If I/we accept that our thoughts create reality then it might be easier to accept that we can turn off the things we fear and focus on what we can control.  My mind laughs and takes me to the next level: enter the fear of choice.  I can take the leap and believe I will make it.  But years of doubt and pain and evidence saying I can’t make it incredibly easy to give up.

I want to be that person that says screw it and leaps, but the anxiety of the last few days would suggest otherwise.  It has been crippling.  I always hope that “this time” I will finally tell it to shut off.  But this time was no different in that I couldn’t stop it.  But it was incredibly different in how my body felt.  My brain could not function anymore and my body started to shut down—so I tried to give my mind a rest.  I really tried—I didn’t force myself to do anything. I slept a ton.  I played and I walked.

And today I remember that there is a process.  Whether I can see it or not is irrelevant.  Everything gets uncomfortable when it’s time to change.  That’s how we know it’s time to grow.  The cages we build for ourselves become too small and we have to break free.  So while my mind felt like it was breaking, it’s very possible it was breaking fee. 

 “When an egg cracks from the outside it is crushed.  When it cracks from the inside it is born.”  Gabby Bernstein

What one small step can you take this week to move you closer to your goal? Asked by The Doer’s Way.  I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday night and I was not happy with what I saw.  I saw a woman struggling, tired, depressed, anxious, unclear, scared, unfocused, and desperate.  I saw nothing of the woman I am working to become.  And I asked myself, “How can I be an example for change if I’m not fulfilling my own obligations?”  There are these moments of pure strength that I know come from real alignment and it feels like I’m flying—I know I am capable.  And then I feel like I can’t even walk.

 Getting where we want to go means understanding the momentum that is life.  It never stops and there is no way to know what comes next at every turn.  Bob Goff said, “Embrace uncertainty.  Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later.”  Playing the cards you’re dealt is essentially what it boils down to.  Life moves and you can learn to dance with it or you can get dragged with it.  I have spoken words affirming our power, my power in deciding what life looks like. 

The beauty with being unhappy about where I am at is that I can change it.  I can make a new decision and turn this around.  There are things that I know I will struggle with—such as anxiety—but I can develop new tools to work through it.  So the small step that I am taking this week to get closer to my goal is to decide.  I’m not looking to plan anything out, but I am looking to decide on what I want this beautiful life to look like. I will affirm the things I want in my life and let go of waffling and non-committal behaviors.  I will no longer let myself off the hook.  That level of discipline will be the kindest thing I can do for myself.

Believe in your magic, have faith in nature and trust your intuition.  Be who you need to be and bring yourself peace.—Sandra Nason Sewell.

Today I am grateful for love.  I love my strength, especially the strength I have had to dig for over the last few days.  I love that, even as I feel I am breaking, I am able to be there for my family and I am able to pick myself up.  I love that my brain is stubborn enough to keep going in the midst of what feels like catastrophic failure.  I am grateful that I keep trying to give myself the love I need even when I feel less than zero.  All of this means that somewhere deep inside, I know I am worthy.

Today I am grateful for laughter.  Hearing my husband when he is caught off guard when he finds something really funny and lets out his genuine laugh makes me smile.  My child’s laugh, so innocent and absolutely full of soul completely melts my heart—that is one of the best sounds in the entire universe.  I am grateful to hear these sounds because those are the sounds of life.

Today I am grateful to stop.  The universe is far wiser than myself and it has stopped any plans that I have in their tracks.  For the first time I am ok with this because a simple pause is not enough.  It is time for a full stop, a full accountability check, a full realignment with what I need to do.  Now is the time to stop and simply think before moving forward.  It is time to pick the intention, to set the intention and then move—not before.

Today I am grateful for understanding.  After a week of high emotional stress and anxiety, I needed some understanding from my family.  I was feeling isolated and unsure and just having a little support was needed.  I am grateful that my husband took the time to help me today.  He got me out of the house for a bit and he let me vent some frustrations.  It felt good to be heard.

Today I am grateful for organizing and cleaning.  I am so guilty of allowing my environment to get disorganized and chaotic, especially when I am not feeling myself.  I took the time today to get the house back in order—or at least started to get back in order.  Taking a little time to put things where they belong and to clean really helped me.

Today I am grateful to get my mind back in order.  While I’m not 100%, I am much better than I was last week at this time and that is saying something.  I feel much more focused than I did, so while I’m not completely relaxed this week, having something to focus on and knowing what steps to take next helps me feel better.

Wishing everyone a beautiful, positive week!

The other day I discussed things I was willing to do in my life to get where I want to be. In these moments of change, we are either our greatest allies or our worst enemy. If the things we want are on the other side of our fears, that means we have to face our fears.  My fears are far and wide and sometimes not even real.  This makes for a lot of hurdles in the effort to move forward.     

I have failed nearly every time I’ve attempted a large change.  I succumb to my anxiety, to my fears, to the obnoxious belief that I can’t do it.  Years of people telling me that I can’t do it, years of being ignored, years of not knowing how to follow through on my own have left me confused and alone and sometimes holding the bag…and no where nearer to where I want to go. 

Living like that for so long has made me settle.  I have settled for a job that pays the bills and affords a decent life—but it doesn’t light me up.  The work is enjoyable but it doesn’t drive me and it hasn’t allowed for me to thrive.  I know that to be the best version of myself, I need to do something that will ignite me.  It isn’t about how much I can buy—it’s about how much I can detach from the monster in my head and connect with what is REAL.  The fact that I have a beautiful family, food, shelter, clothing, water, I do not take any of that for granted.  I am in a position where I have been blessed with many gifts and I want to share them  But I settled out of fear.

I settled in relationships.  I accepted love on promises of what could be rather than on what was.  I gave too many chances to people, believing what they said rather than what they did.  All for the sake of being accepted.  Because I was afraid I would be alone if I didn’t do what they said.  I found I was more accepting of what they did, no matter how they broke my heart and they rarely reciprocated the favor. 

It took a long time for me to understand that this behavior was by design.  People fear change and they will do whatever they can to cling to what they know even if it means bringing you down.  We can’t rely on people to give us the things we need if they lack those things themselves.  And we can’t expect ourselves to find them within if we are lacking as well. 

It is better to spend the time alone and working on what we can improve for ourselves than it is to be with a group of people who don’t have your best interest at heart.  Unfortunately we live in a world that sees its fair share of greed and self-serving behavior so the message about self- care and boundaries is often misconstrued to mean that you are selfish.   But the truth is demanding that others meet our needs all the time and or they only seek you out for their own purposes is selfish.  We have forgotten how to be in relationships with each other, how to help each other.  And it’s no surprise because we have forgotten what it is that we really need.

Knowing what we are willing to do clarifies the boundaries we need to uphold no matter who they are with.  Knowing what we are willing to do helps define our story.  Knowing what we are willing to do helps define the next step.  And in the adventure of life, all we need is the next step.

Here we are at 3:30AM on a Friday and I am sitting up in bed, in the dark, typing.  My brain is spinning—and for me, that is life with anxiety.  A constant overwhelming spinning coupled with attempting to force the thoughts to slow down. It’s a loop of repetitive thoughts that sometimes widens the circle, but is ultimately saying the same thing until my frustration builds so much I want to scream—but I can’t stop it.  It’s fearing every ache and pain in my body but not being able to bring myself to the doctor to make sure I’m actually ok.  It’s fearing losing everything I love because of some trivial shit I did in my youth.  It’s forcing myself to stay the line and do the same routine because my brain does its own thing and I’m afraid if I change anything I will forget something.  Oh, and it’s forgetting what I’m doing while I’m in the middle of doing it. 

This is one area of my life I sincerely wish that affirmations and empowering quotes worked.  I wish I could tell everyone suffering with anxiety that words work.  But words do not take away the overwhelm.  Words often to not help center when the brain is so far out of control.  Shit, breathing hardly helps in these situations because you can’t slow your mind enough to remember to breathe.  For my own sanity, I wish my ability to control applied to stopping the thoughts that whirl and whirl. 

The truth is living with anxiety is fucking painful.  It makes me feel completely worthless because I am blessed to be a fully able-bodied individual who is only stopped by my mind.  My brain’s automatic default is, “You can’t do that!” followed by, “You should have done it.”   It makes me angry because I miss out on what is right in front of me because my brain simply wanders on its own, often into frightening territory, places that don’t exist.  It keeps me stuck which generates more anxiety because I’m already afraid that I’m behind the ball in my life.  And it keeps me alone because most of the people in my life are tired of dealing with my crap and are tired of me trying to control every situation.

This morning I wish I had words of advice for how to work through this, some reminder that all is well. I’m exhausted and scared and the only thing that’s keeping me from running out the front door right now is that I know I’m not alone.  I know that I am not the only one whose thoughts betray them every day.  I know that I am not the only one who becomes exhausted by simply waking up.  I even know that I am not alone in feeling this loneliness.  That honestly does help.  It also helps finding ways to help those people feeling the same things.

So maybe that is the advice/hope I can share in the midst of this morning’s spiral:  we aren’t alone.  While anxiety is an asshole, there are little rays of light that sometimes poke through.  Sometimes we have to dig deep to find them.  Sometimes we just have to be smart enough to turn around and face the sun.  And the sun is still going to rise.  I am breathing.  If you’re reading this, that means you are too. And that means we can do something productive even if that means simply remembering to connect with ourselves.  I’m going to start there.    

“If you are willing to be uncomfortable, you get to see what you’re capable of,” Brooke Castillo.  WOW.  That hit like a lead balloon to the gut.  You know how they say you can hear the same message a thousand times but sometimes you need to hear it from the right person/in the right way for it to click?  This was it for me.  The instant I read those words, I saw all of the ways I’ve been more concerned with preserving my comfort than making real progress, I saw the ways I’ve been too afraid to step up.  And I knew that to make things happen, I would have to do the work. 

All this time I have felt like I was doing the work—and don’t get me wrong, I have been working–but this made me question it all.  Was I doing enough?  No.  I was still hiding behind my comfort and my ego.  I wrote an article a few months back about knowing when you’re not doing enough and redirecting the effort…and guilt popped in for a moment because I hadn’t been practicing my own message as much as I could have been.

So here is what I am willing to do:

I’m willing to be uncomfortable with my current routine.  I have gotten complacent and fallen into the not-enough-time trap.  I need to take better care of myself even if it means focusing on something important to me or hanging out more with my kid—in a more present manner (not me working while he’s on the tablet in the same room). 

I’m finally willing to be uncomfortable with my flaws.  I’ve done a good job of projecting what I wanted people to think I am.  Now I need to know/be/do what I really am. 

I’m willing to be uncomfortable with my comfort.  I have to recognize where down-time is needed but I can’t keep looking for it.  I can give up some of that non-productive time to put in a little more work for my business and for my health.  My life is worth being a little more uncomfortable to make way for the things I am trying to create.  It makes the comfortable moments that much sweeter.

I’m willing to be uncomfortable with my insecurity/fear.  So much of what I’m afraid of stems from not knowing if I could do it.  There were too many instances I thought I was ok, that I had it—and I failed.  It happened a lot.  Sometimes before I walked in the room, I had already failed.  Sometimes for no reason.  Now I see where I need to take responsibility and accountability and how to keep moving.

I’m willing to be uncomfortable with everything I’ve pushed down.  It’s time to be honest and own all parts of me.  Pretending they don’t exist doesn’t make them go away. 

I’m willing to be uncomfortable with the real me.  Raw, unfiltered.  Yes, I may lose some people in my life—but it will mean finding myself.  Joseph Campbell said, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”  What are you willing to be uncomfortable with?   

I spent some time with my friend this past weekend.  During the course of the conversation she reminded me that it was the anniversary of her father’s death. My stomach split as I realized I had forgotten what day it was.  I thought she had invited me over to simply enjoy and talk, catch up, have fun, let the kids play together.  She started talking about how I had always been there for her no matter what was going on in my life and that she never asked me about what was happening with me, she just knew that I showed up for her. 

My head began to spin with guilt and too much alcohol and I felt like the entire world shifted underneath my feet.  I felt like I was looking at the scene from the outside but it was like looking through a rainy windshield. I thought she had just wanted to see me, that the conversations that had picked up again over the last few weeks were about connecting again.  In that five minute portion of our time together, I started to feel broken and used and I was feeling like we were back in high school because we weren’t talking about progressing anything. 

This is a friend whom I truly love dearly and it felt, for a moment, that she only wanted my presence to serve some purpose.  That all of the reaching out had merely been a build up to that moment on the anniversary of her terrible loss.  It made me realize that I have a tendency to view my relationships differently than those in the relationship with me.  I’ve done it with my husband—falling head over heels, thinking I’m not worthy, that I’m not doing enough when I am sitting here depleted and angry and resentful. 

The truth of the situation hit me: what she said was true.  She did have a tendency to only reach out when she was feeling emotionally distraught.  She didn’t have a clue what was going on in my life and I really don’t remember the last time she asked me.  But I also realized that I take care of the majority of my stuff on my own.  I haven’t reached out for help.  And maybe that is a trauma pattern because the times I have reached out for help I am met with the distinct sound of crickets.  So I get angry and resentful again that the people I am meant to rely on are not there for me.

I felt like crap—I got myself sick—and I knew in that instant that I never wanted to feel that way EVER again.  Neither from poor judgement with drinking or from poor judgement with friends/family/husband…anything.  I feel incredibly empowered to realize that I can step out of my way and set boundaries.  If I want the genuine friendship then I need to reach out more too.  We struggle to keep up because of the state of the world and because we are both busy trying to keep kids alive, houses run, and the million other things it takes to get through the day as a full time working mom.  And in my case, a full time working mom trying to start a business. 

I didn’t want to have the conversation with her because it touches so much of who I wanted to ignore inside of myself.  The child who demands attention, the lazy girl who just wants to have it done for her, the princess who feels entitled to have people listening to me at all times.  I am grateful for the terrifying emotions I felt because I realized that I am no victim.  I don’t have to feel that way again.  I can build friendships with a genuine foundation.  I can be an empowering, non-threatening boss with great team-development skills.  I can be an amazing wife and mother and have a great career.  But I have to do the things that it takes to get there.

I have held myself back for so long and that is no longer conducive to what I want to do.  Yes, I’ve said that before but the feeling I had as I was in the shower after this most awkward of nights made me realize that it is time to take control.  I can re-create the narrative at any time.  The truth with this friendship is that I am willing to put in the effort and get us where we need to be—but I am not willing to go back to high school to re-create the scenarios or to feel those things again.  I would like us to let go of how we treated each other and stop reaching out because of guilt or lost time—I would like us to reach out because we are looking for a genuine connection and to be part of each other’s lives again.

I think we are all just looking for connection—and we all have decisions to make about the connections we make.  If they are unhealthy or they deplete you or make you uncomfortable in any way—they aren’t really serving any purpose.  That is an opportunity to redefine the relationship or remove it.  In my case, I have the opportunity to be a better friend and to put in the work.  I am grateful to be in that position and I am grateful to have someone in my life who wants to work on those things with me. 

Today I am grateful to clearly see the things that I need to work on.  I spent time with a life-long friend and choices were made (I will discuss more of that later)…suffice it to say that I ended feeling less than myself and I was faced with aspects of myself that I had long been trying to ignore.  I am grateful because, in spite of how much it hurt to hear these things, I am at the point where I am ready to accept these things about myself.

Today I am grateful for the unexpected.  We had a family pumpkin picking trip today and the weather was awful, I had a ton of cleaning to do, I was not feeling well from the day before, and my anxiety has been through the roof for the last few weeks.  We went to the pumpkin farm and just went with it.  We fed goats and chickens and ducks and saw rabbits and peacocks and peahens and pigs.  My kid got to play in muddy fields and we picked out pumpkins.  We came home and we watched football and napped.  It was worth it.  It was worth every second of not doing what I was “supposed” to be doing.  Breaking my routine today meant that I got to spend time with my family—almost my whole family—which we haven’t done in months.  Breaking my routine meant I got to see my kid cold, happy, laughing, and loving time with our family. 

Today I am grateful for signs.  I came home and I was looking at Instagram and I saw a post from Jennifer Pastiloff showing her home as real as it is.  In not so many words, she discussed how outward appearance is really not a good indicator of quality of life.  Things can look amazing and be as fake as it comes while they can appear to be a total disaster and still be filled with love, happiness, warmth, creativity, and adventure.  So I shared a post in homage to her—and she responded.  Reading her words today reminded me how ok it was to let go and just live.  There is more to be said for a life lived than a life that looks good. The picture with today’s post is as real as my life is today.

Today I am grateful for love.  Love that doesn’t look a damn thing like I ever thought it would.  My family and I, we are all so different, our relationships look different to each other, we experience our worlds differently—but we all love each other.  Wildly, completely, intensely.  We struggled and continue to struggle with communication at times but we are learning that it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.  And just because it doesn’t look the same, I am grateful to know that I have this love in my life. 

Today I am grateful for rest.  It has been an intensely emotional few weeks, this last weekend especially, and my body is telling me to just give in and relax.  This is one of those times that pushing through will not work.  So I am listening and cashing in for the night.  I am going to read for a bit and I am going to sleep.     

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead!

I know we all go through periods where we simply aren’t connecting.  Not with people around us, communication feels stunted and difficult, getting through the day feels like running in a pool. I read a comment talking about the impact of trauma and the long term effects of pushing through and it mentioned that the brain “short circuits” and creates a sort of brain fog.  Our brain can not function under long term stress—even if it’s long term perceived stress.

I’ve noticed over the last few weeks I have STRUGGLED to get through the day.  Focus is out the window, emotions are heightened, sensitivity is on high, motivation is less than zero.  And then I read that article and it hit me: maybe I’m not lazy or overly sensitive—I’m just exhausted after enduring a long-term trauma.  And I’m exhausted from trying to cope with it.

My attention over the last few months has shifted from big ambitions and trying to please everyone to questioning why I am seeking approval and praise.  Seeking accolades and basing my worth on other people’s approval isn’t sustainable.  So I’ve been diving into doing the work, looking at how I got here, looking at where I want to go, and trying to close the distance by opening up to who I really am.

So through all of this, when you’re feeling foggy, when you’re feeling a little lost or you can’t think straight, pause. Connect.  Connect with yourself through your breath.  Connect with nature.  Anything to get you out of your head and into your body.  That connection will bring clarity and you can take the next right steps.  For now, I am honoring the exhaustion, I’m breathing deep, and I’m letting my mind slow down. It’s really challenging because I like to be productive—but I can’t live in a constant state of “doing” because I will always be looking for the next thing.  It’s better to pause and figure out what you really need than to keep pushing.  Being worn out and exhausted won’t get you any further than spinning circles—you may be moving but it’s not getting you anywhere.  So take the time to really listen and re-direct if needed.  Remember, you are not broken—your patterns are.  And those can be fixed with a little effort because the only reason the patterns are broken is because you are trying to cope in a broken system.  Keep going.       

Today I am grateful to honor my limits.  I’ve been pushing in too many directions, expecting perfection, expecting that I can maintain the pace for as long as I needed to—and I can’t.  I am mourning to a degree because knowing that I can’t do all I had been trying to do means leaving it behind.  It means that those particular ideas I had will not come to pass.  It also means that I will be able to complete some things that I had been trying to do and that I will be able to do them well.  It means that I will be able to see what I am most aligned with and allow what needs to fall into place to come into my life.  So while I am sad, I am also relieved.  There are times when you need to give up something to make room for something else…it is the natural order. 

Speaking of the natural order of letting go…Today I am grateful for the gorgeous weather.  We were able to spend some time outside today and relish in the comfortable fall breeze, and see the trees changing color.  It was delicious and grounding and a nice reminder of the purpose and timing of change.

Today I am grateful to do some self-work.  I’ve been letting my mind spin a lot lately, leaping along with monkey mind rather than taking the time to guide my thoughts productively.  I’ve been straining, running, moving, being active rather than productive.  That energy hasn’t been serving myself or anyone else very well.  So I’m taking some time to settle, release, grieve what I need to, and take on what I need to in order to create the future I want.

Today I am grateful to share this journey.  I have always wanted to guide people and to help them strip away the nonsense we fill our lives with to get to the core of who they are.  It took me a long time to realize that it’s far easier to stand on the outside and tell people what to do than it is to turn that discernment on myself.  I never wanted to come across as pompous, arrogant, or preachy—but that happens.  I am grateful to peel back the layers and let people know that when I am sharing, it is not accusatory, it is from a place of experience.  Sharing my stories is an opportunity to share that connection with others, and we all need that.

Today I am grateful to spend time with my son and my husband—that will always be on the list whether shared or not 😊.  I do not take a single moment with my family for granted.  Having my son look at me and tell me he loves me, or having my husband look over and smile while singing a song he knows I love (or even if he just turns it up when it comes on) always makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. 

Hoping you all had a wonderful weekend and that we start the week refreshed and with gratitude.