Plans and Reality

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I took last Thursday off of work.  I had initially planned on getting things done around the house and even catching up on some of my other work.  What ended up happening was I spent the day drowning in anxiety. I tried to distract myself because I had the whole day with my son so we played.  I tried connecting with myself again; we took a long walk.  Anything to get out of my head. But my mind had other plans and the last two days in particular have been rough.  It felt like my brain was breaking.  It literally felt like my mind was splitting and I could not get grounded no matter what I did. 

Mental exhaustion is an entirely different feeling from physical exhaustion.  It can come out of nowhere and you can’t control it.  I didn’t realize how bad I was feeling until yesterday.  There are things I know I need to change in my life and there are some ties I need to cut.  And it hurts because these are not people I want to lose.  But I also know that they are the source of a lot of my issues. 

I’m afraid to cut ties because I don’t know what my life will look like without them.  I know I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I stick around because I feel like these key players in my life can change.  All of the evidence points to they won’t change– because they don’t want to and they have demonstrated they don’t want to…but I hope they will.  I also know that is giving more power to potential over reality.

That is part of what is causing the anxiety: I’ve tried living in multiple worlds at the same time—and I’ve been doing it for too long.  I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and give them every chance to live up to what I can see in them.  But the truth is that it is simply not reality.  I’m guilty of wanting the stability I’ve afforded myself in the old world but I want the freedom that awaits in my new world.  So I’m straddling the things that exist while trying to create a new life. The problem is the gap is widening and I can’t stretch any further.  There is a quote that says, “When I am upset, it is because I have replaced reality with illusions I made up.”  There is more truth in this can I ever thought possible.    

If I/we accept that our thoughts create reality then it might be easier to accept that we can turn off the things we fear and focus on what we can control.  My mind laughs and takes me to the next level: enter the fear of choice.  I can take the leap and believe I will make it.  But years of doubt and pain and evidence saying I can’t make it incredibly easy to give up.

I want to be that person that says screw it and leaps, but the anxiety of the last few days would suggest otherwise.  It has been crippling.  I always hope that “this time” I will finally tell it to shut off.  But this time was no different in that I couldn’t stop it.  But it was incredibly different in how my body felt.  My brain could not function anymore and my body started to shut down—so I tried to give my mind a rest.  I really tried—I didn’t force myself to do anything. I slept a ton.  I played and I walked.

And today I remember that there is a process.  Whether I can see it or not is irrelevant.  Everything gets uncomfortable when it’s time to change.  That’s how we know it’s time to grow.  The cages we build for ourselves become too small and we have to break free.  So while my mind felt like it was breaking, it’s very possible it was breaking fee. 

 “When an egg cracks from the outside it is crushed.  When it cracks from the inside it is born.”  Gabby Bernstein

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