I kept my struggles with mental health quiet for many years.  There were literally a handful of people who knew what I dealt with and of that handful, no one knew the full extent of my issues.  I have struggled with anxiety and depression nearly my entire life and I always tried to push through it.  It was something that I thought I had to be strong enough to deal with on my own.

When I did seek help I was told by the first therapist I saw that my issues weren’t “that bad” because my scars were small.  This woman also told me that she needed a break and simply wanted to play games.  In my early twenties when I decided to try and get professional help again, I was immediately prescribed medication that was not right for me.  I stopped taking the medication and it would be nearly another decade before I sought help again.  The place I was referred to ended up being a clinic for people with addiction issues (which I did not have—they sent me there because that was the only location near me that offered any kind of assistance for mental health) and the physician sat with me for twenty minutes and immediately prescribed me medication for bipolar disorder–again, which I did not have.  He also took phone calls from other patients during my session.  I got off of that medication and I have not been back to a professional since.

Entering that environment, somewhere you are completely vulnerable and seeking guidance, with the idea that I needed to tough it on my own coupled with mental health professionals that were not right for me made it difficult to ever really admit that I had a problem to anyone.  I didn’t feel if someone professional could tell me what was wrong then I had no business talking about it.  Plus I carried the guilt of knowing other people struggled worse than I did. 

It took me until now, when I am nearly 40 years old, to understand that we have to be our own advocates because not everyone will be in our arena.  I also learned that it isn’t a competition about who “has it worse” when it comes to these struggles.  Different issues require different treatments but we are all in the same pool.  I read a quote that said something to the effect of you can drown in seven inches of water or twenty feet of water, you have still drowned so stop comparing. 

I have learned to celebrate how far I have come because it has been a long battle to keep myself upright on some days.  I commend and celebrate all the warriors trying to keep upright because the effort it takes to simply brush your teeth on some days can feel like the weight of the world.  Keep moving, as slowly and as gently as you need to.  Keep moving because there is always another day.  Keep moving because you are inherently worthy.  Keep moving because this world needs you.       

What steps do we take once we make the decision to take charge of our lives?  Push past discomfort.  Connect.  Listen.  Act.  Start questioning what I really need.  For example, I have a difficult time relating with some people because I know I am being performative and looking for approval.  I want to be liked.  But as I’m moving forward with my life, I know this isn’t a realistic expectation—not everyone will like me.  This is an unhealthy habit that no longer serves.

I am also questioning if I have to look a certain way to accomplish something.  Does it need to look a certain way to accomplish the goal?  I know that is relative to what you are doing—I mean, there are certain steps to putting out a fire or to solving equations.  But I don’t need to wear a certain outfit to be a CEO.  The result is still meaningful even if it doesn’t look how I thought it would.  I’ve said it before that something can look like a million bucks and not function for shit.  Appearance means so little in the grand scheme of things but we are trained to judge instantly because we have to recognize danger. 

I mentioned in a previous article that people have always thought I was too much.  The truth is some people confuse passion with crazy and I am an extremely passionate person.  I care that people wake up and live their purpose.  That we do better.  Live better.  Be better.  It’s scary to be raw and to see what we really need because we are trained to want it all and that, to be worthy, we need it all.  The truth is I am happy and it is ok to be happy—because happy is a decision.  What I fill my life with is also a decision. Knowing and understanding that people will not change is a decision.  You can accept them as they are and not as you want them to be.  But we can decide what our lives look like.

I wrote a small note about giving up the need for acceptance after realizing that the direction I’m shifting is starting to take shape:  I’m done with external accolades.  I don’t care if they write, “She was a hard worker” on my grave.  I’d rather see, “She loved hard, fought hard, thought hard, lived easily, laughed easily, and gave life to those around her.”  Who actually gives a fuck how many hours I worked?  That’s a dime in your bottom line, not mine.  That’s a machine I didn’t build.  You see it crumbling around you, disintegrating at your feet like sand carried out by the waves.  You cling, hoping it will come back, that it will be what it used to be.  Me.  I’m riding the wave, going out to sea.  I may get pulled under but I always come up for air.  You try to nail your life in the sand.  I build ships to carry me where I belong.         

“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be.  The measure of a person is how well they succeed at being who they are.” Endgame.  This stopped me in my tracks and nearly brought me to tears.  Watching a simple movie with my husband, one that I have seen before no less, reminded me of how simple this life is: accept who you are and be that.  Don’t let the outside noise influence our paths. 

I am guilty of complicating things nearly every day.  The habits are so well engrained that I fail to notice when the habits I’m working to eliminate rear themselves.  Slowly the habits we were so aware of begin to show themselves.  All we can do is remind ourselves to be present and bring our attention to what we want to be rather than what we have been trained to be.

So ask yourself if what you’re doing is getting you closer to your goal or if it is fulfilling what you’ve been told to do.  It’s as simple and as complex as that.  Being open enough to accept who you are is a lot of work but it always brings you where you need to be.  Acceptance always shows you your path.  Start small, but do it every day.  Every day remind yourself of your presence and take your space.  Learn to say yes when you want to and no when you want to. Treat this life as a gift and make of it what you will. 

Today I am grateful for deep connection.  I had an experience today watching a movie with my family that shot straight to my core.  It a very short instant I realized the amount of distraction we have forced upon ourselves, the busyness we have instilled as the norm, and I started questioning the quality of the time we have on this earth.  There comes a point where quantity is meaningless if there is no quality.  Watching the movie today I realized that I am still in the throes of distraction—and I need more moments of connection.

Today I am grateful for the reminder that I can always redirect.  No matter how distracted, no matter  how involved I am in something, when the feeling hits that it isn’t serving, then I love knowing that I can change my focus.  After watching the movie, I realized how much work remains to be done on fear and how deeply rooted my fears are.  They are grounded firmly in loss and in other people’s perception of me.  But I realized that what matters is being here, being present and taking the time I have with my family.

Today I am grateful for some time to also connect with my creativity.  I’m narrowing my focus and beginning to shape and co-create the life I want.  I spent a lot of time reliving the past and projecting about the future—but none of that got me where I wanted to be and it made me tense, sick, and exhausted.  Stepping out of the monkey-mind and working on things that bring me joy simply for the sake of doing them helps level out the mind. 

Today I am grateful (and proud) to have taken more steps toward my goals.  I purchased some equipment for my business this weekend.  I’ve been working on this for over a year now and there are days I am so tired that I feel like I can’t take another step.  But I have learned that even if I am tired, even if I don’t take that step in the moment, I can still take the step when I am rested and ready and it is still progress.

Today I am grateful for new insight to old knowledge.  I have never hid the fact that I am a perfectionist or that I have control issues.  Today I was able to see how those traits truly were holding me back and I understood that the control issues wouldn’t exist (or they would be minimized) if I were better at prioritizing.  I know I take on too much, perhaps with a bit of over-confidence, but they are things that I know I am capable of doing.  I fall into the trap of distraction WAY too easily and then I get overwhelmed with how much I took on.  This is a fixable pattern.  I used to have the victim mentality that people didn’t believe in me.  I see that I put too much weight on my shoulders to do any of it well.

Today I am grateful for rest.  I feel content and ready to close my eyes tonight, knowing that I did enough.  Knowing that I did my best.  Knowing that whatever tomorrow brings, right now is all that matters.  I can watch my son sleep peacefully and know that I am so lucky to have him in my life.  I can see my husband resting and know that we are in this together.  I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I have survived everything behind me and that anything in front of me is just speculation until I get there.  For right now, all is well. 

I’ve avoided a political discussion/post for a while because, in truth, I am no expert and I know how easily messages are misconstrued.  Emotions are heavy on all sides and I usually believe in a middle ground.  I believe in that now, as well, however, I feel we are at a point that this issue, the issue of our humanity is at stake.  There is no middle ground when it comes to our humanity.  Over and over again we have been exposed to people degrading and demeaning what it means to be human if you don’t fit into some arbitrary, and quite frankly, irrelevant parameter. 

A couple of things happened today. I was involved in a discussion that quickly turned south because I positioned myself on the fact that everyone has a right to access basic necessities.  It was as simple as that.  This individual stated, “Veterans choose to be homeless.”  My jaw hit the floor and I quoted statistics based on healthcare (as that is our field) which state veterans on average need to wait six months to access healthcare.  Veterans have a typically higher statistic of mental health issues so if you have someone who is predisposed to a condition and then force them to wait an additional six months for assistance, it stands their mental state may deteriorate further and inhibit them making healthy decisions for themselves.  They may no longer have the capacity to obtain help.

I quoted the statistic that one in eight Americans go hungry and this person said, “Where are they?”  It was at this point I realized the level of entitlement I was dealing with.  Simply because you can’t see it, it means it doesn’t exist?  Does that mean you don’t breathe oxygen?  I told her the hospital we work at now incorporated questions about food security, meaning that in our area we have people who aren’t able to get enough to eat and/or they don’t have access to food.  We see it every day and she couldn’t acknowledge the issue existed.    

This individual acknowledged that their time is spent at work and at home to which I replied, “There’s your problem.”  People, the world is big and simply because someone has an issue you don’t, it doesn’t negate that it exists.  If you don’t take the time to become aware of what occurs outside your bubble you are shutting out 99.999999% of the population.  That is a choice and that is ignorance.  The fact that you can choose to ignore other people’s issues because you don’t share that experience is privilege. 

The last issue that occurred today was I saw the same post four times from four different people stating, “I don’t care who you vote for, it’s about how you treat those voting differently than you.”  Huge issue with this on so many levels.  First of all, language choice is huge in this statement.  This statement professes an ability to see past different views and to treat each other with respect regardless of any differing opinions.  YET….these are the same people who condemn others for demanding respect, equality, and basic human rights.  The second issue with the above statement is that, in this election in particular, it isn’t just a voting issue.  It’s a human rights issue.  It’s an existence issue.  You can’t pretend 98% of the population doesn’t exist because you don’t see that world.  If you think your opinion is worthy of being defended over the lives of others, I heartily say fuck you.  Who you support in this election speaks to the core of who we are and our humanity.  This is beyond policy—although that is absolutely at stake as well—this is about life.  We are worth more than ANY bottom line.  More than someone’s tantrum because their fear of how other people live.  More than anyone’s ego.  Wake up. Stand up. 

I’ve decided that I need to enter a new relationship—with myself.  I think everyone needs to learn to have a better relationship with themselves.  A co-worker mentioned she needed to step away from the desk today so I told her to go and take a break.  She immediately replied, “I’m salary I don’t get a lunch or a break.”  I wasn’t in the mood to argue but I realized that we have a fundamentally different view of work.  I saw in a split second that unhealthy expectations are immediately present in the work environment.  Being salary doesn’t mean you don’t get a break.  It means that you are paid for X amount of hours to do a certain job in a certain time.  Me, I get paid for 40 hours.  That means that anything over 40 hours decreases my hourly wage and it is encroaching on my time.  Or, more simply, I am not paid for anything over 40 hours. 

Anything over 40 hours is on my time and I am allowed to put in my time and be done with work.  I don’t owe any explanations and I want to be clear that anyone in this situation—the same applies.  Being a salaried employee doesn’t mean that you are at the whim of the business—although that is what we have let it mean.  I have always looked at it as a matter of time management.  Because of my neuroses and control issues, I have always been incredibly efficient at time management.  If you aren’t able to complete your work in 40 hours you either have too much work or you aren’t spending your time correctly.

No one should have to work for free.  No one should have to work more than eight hours a day to prove their worth.  And in this day and age, no one should have to forego a break or eating just because they hold a certain position.  We are all human.  Where the new relationship comes in is right here: I don’t need to prove my worth to anyone, I don’t owe anyone more than what I have agreed to, and I don’t need external accolades or points to be considered successful.

Learning to set boundaries is one of the most important forms of self-care and self-love.  It is a matter of doing what is right for me.  It is listening and honoring what my mind and body are telling me.  And quite frankly, I don’t have to stay where I am not valued.  I read a quote today that said, “I am the CEO of my life.”  I no longer feel comfortable allowing people to determine the course of my life based on what they need or what they think is right.  Living this life is about recognizing what is right for each of us and what we are meant to do with that—what we can share with the world.     

Today I am grateful for taking care of my family.  I’ve been extremely preoccupied lately and I took the time today to pause all of that.  I woke up early, I journaled, I did some research, I was able to write for a bit, I took care of the animals, and made breakfast for my family.  I spent time meal prepping for the week (part of my Sunday routine) and I do this because the health of my family is important to me.  It’s also important that I keep myself healthy so I can continue to be there and provide for my family.

Today I am grateful for every sign that I am in alignment with my purpose.  While I was in the kitchen I was listening to Lives and one of the topics was about communication—which is what I had been journaling about when I woke up this morning.  The little reminders always keep me going, especially with the distraction around me gets overwhelming.

Today I am grateful to have the ability to create healthy things for my family.  One of the Lives I was watching discussed hunger and food disparity and how we discuss these topics.  I understood from the language we use that we are perpetuating a circumstance that is within our power to fix.  The way we speak to each other about socio-political issues determines how we react to it and how we address the problems.  In my world I am fortunate enough to make decisions to keep my family healthy through the foods we eat and the activities we do.  Everyone has that right.  It is our job to make sure no one has to struggle for it. 

Today I am grateful for an abundance of time with family.  I don’t think I have been able to shut down for a few weeks now and I am feeling the weight of burn-out.  My family is too because we haven’t been doing what we normally do and we’ve been on the move a lot.  This weekend we have spent some time detached from the projects around the house and not focusing on what “has to” be done.  We even got to have dinner with my parents—which leads to my next one…

Today I am grateful for memories.  My mother prepared a roast with some potatoes for dinner.  When we walked into my parent’s house it smelled exactly like my grandmother’s house when she used to cook the same meal.  It brought me right back to my childhood and all the times we used to spend at my grandmother’s house and it reminded me how long it has been since we’ve had a family meal like that. 

Today I am grateful to just be.  I have a million things going through my head—and that isn’t an exaggeration.  My brain is constantly on overdrive and always picking at things I should be doing.  Things I could be doing.  And then I get so anxious that I can’t decide on what to actually do.  I’ve often thought that in order for a day to be worth anything or to be deemed productive, I had to be working off of a list and checking things off.  But these are unique times.  I’m not letting myself off the hook for working toward my goals, but I am going to let myself off the hook and understand that I took on a lot with the projects at home, I am working full time, I am a mother and wife, I have a house to take care of, I have parents and siblings that I need to communicate with, and I am working on my business.  Sometimes I have to just accept where I’m at and be ok with it. I can’t keep juggling all of that every day and not drop something.  And that is ok.  I am surviving, my child is loved, my marriage is strong, my parents are healthy and cared for, and no matter how slow, I am making progress.  Breathe.  It’s ok to just breathe.  For today, that is enough.    

It’s good to feel good—Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor.  We don’t often realize what the situation will look like on the other side, especially as we are going through it.  We all have periods of unrest, discomfort, uncertainty, even pain, confusion and defeat.  It’s incredibly difficult to move when you have the pile on you and you can’t see the way up.  It takes a lot to reorient yourself, but it can be done.  This is normal.  We have to learn to see this as our burial—which is planting.  In these situations, we are being planted for growth.  Beautiful things come from that. 

While the weight can feel immense, we are laying our foundation.  We need that foundation to be sturdy.  Remember that we are wild and that we are meant to build that for ourselves and we can trust that the decisions we are making are the right ones.  We are brought into alignment with what we are meant to when we follow our inner knowing.  We are meant to follow our own path and not what we are told to want. 

Lately I’ve had the overwhelming feeling of shedding layer after layer, finding an identity I always felt but was too afraid to share.  I’m tired of hearing that what I’ve done is enough and that I can’t do anymore.  The urge to perform, to be the exhausted worn out person, proving how hard I’ve worked to be deemed worthy—that narrative no longer serves.  It no longer interests me.  I’m not crazy and I don’t need this self-induced cage.  None of us do.  I need the wide open to create the paths I’m meant to blaze—we all do.        

We don’t need to settle for good enough, or to be grateful for the limits someone imposes upon us—I don’t want to settle.  I am not grateful for the scraps of existence people throw my way and being expected to call it a life.  I AM grateful to have the gift of life and the ability to make it my own.  I am grateful for creativity and the ability to share my gifts.  That is a gift we all have.  We are always going to be the villain in someone’s story—don’t be the villain in your own.  The world is tricky enough to navigate without adding our own negative inner asshole (as Jen Pastiloff calls it).  So just know that no one gets to qualify your dreams as worthy or good enough—they are for you to fulfill your purpose—it’s your job to see it through.  No one else’s.  Keep going.

I have seen an endless slew of posts talking about kindness recently.  It bothers me—like irrationally bothers me.  It’s not that I disagree with being kind, but I feel we preach it as a value and people don’t ever look at why they are doing it.  We continually shout, “Be kind” as if that is going to erase the fact that we compete and treat each other like crap.  We are searching for something more—and I don’t believe that kindness is the result we are looking for.  Not really, at least.  Being kind won’t provide the type of fulfillment we need.

I feel the kindness we preach is false.  I truly understand the point people are trying to make which is simply be nice when you have the opportunity—which is all the time.  But I feel this absolves some people from personal accountability and it allows people to forget their shared responsibility to each other.  The kindness we talk about is highly performative to make people see you in a certain way.  And kindness is an action not a behavior.  Kindness doesn’t come freely.  There is always motivation behind being kind.  We aren’t taught to be kind, we are taught to appear kind.  I believe what we are really looking for is understanding.

When you take the time to know, to feel, to see, to experience something outside of your perspective, you cultivate a shared knowledge.  And it is easier to be kind, genuinely kind, when you understand.  Establishing understanding involves empathy and shared humanity.  Can kindness include these things?  Of course it can.  Is it important?  YES.  Bot as a goal or a value, kindness falls short.

We evolve kindness when needed.  Like stopping kids fighting, picking up a dropped pen for someone, giving a compliment or encouragement.  Understanding is deeper and it takes more.  Understanding gets to the root.  It creates better systems because the human is front and center of decisions.  It embraces all.  Understanding can foster kindness—but we need to understand.       

When we understand each other, we can genuinely say, “I see your experience and I see how it got you here.  I see what you need because of those things.”  The world needs more willingness to be seen at this level, at our core.  The more you are willing to express what we need, the more willing other people may be to show what they need as well.  We see how much more we have in common. 

By all means be kind.  Take the time to smile at someone who seems to be hurting.  Take the few extra minutes to help a co-worker understand an assignment.  Take some time to have a conversation with a friend who seems to be struggling—or take time to celebrate their wins.  But do all this with the goal of understanding what it took to bring them to that point.  And then try to understand the next person.  And the next person…and understand them as you understand yourself.

I woke up thinking about self-care today, specifically taking care of my body.  I’ve been seeking comfort in the activities I’ve been choosing, trying to cope with the chaos around me.  No matter what I’ve done, I’ve felt tired.  And it finally dawned on me: this is more than just physical exhaustion, it’s mental exhaustion.  Exhaustion to the point of confusion, no clarity.  I find myself aimlessly trying to fill my day rather than being productive.  So I have to stop and go back to a point where I am not as overwhelmed. 

I have tortured my body, spun myself in circles never really achieving any kind of energetic release.  I have said horrible things about myself. I have drawn blades through my flesh.  I drank myself stupid.  I swallowed pills.  I tried to kill you.  I wanted the hurt to go away but I never realized it was my soul looking for something. 

Tonight I change the story.  I let the water flow over me, cleansing in its own right.  I feel the weight of my body.  The number used to bother me.  Now I know it just means I’m alive.  I’m connected to the earth by my weight. 

My frustration and angst were mainly self-induced.  I deserved more.  But I thought it made me arrogant to demand more.  I thought lax boundaries made me likeable.  It drained me dry.  I deserved more.  I expected others to give what I gave.  I deserved more—even if I had to give it to myself.  So now I wake up. 

It’s ok to love—and necessary to love myself.  It shows others how to love.  I have the ability to turn everything around.  It’s all about choice.  I can change the story—by loving myself.  Small miracles every day.  New brave choices every day.  Relaxing into life and letting what is meant to happen, happen. 

As fall hits, I am shedding and releasing and creating space for self-care, creativity, and dreaming.  What I’ve done to myself was misdirected energy.  I can’t change anyone else but I can work on myself.  There is freedom in mental clarity.  Rachel Hollis says, “Make peace with the fact that you don’t know what the future will bring.”  All we can do is direct our energy according to what works for us.  So live in awareness and be present—I am trying every day. 

This means learning to be comfortable with the person staring back in the mirror.  I will no longer squander the beauty of my life: my mind, my body, my soul.  I am loving I all.  Sometimes that’s letting things fall apart rather than clinging.  Believe in the magic of not giving up.  The magic of little things. The magic of existing.