Yesterday I started with a quote about the journey being about me and becoming my own savior.  In the universe’s divine way, that was put into action today.  Bear with me, this is messy but has a point.  I recognize I have a ton of healing around my anxiety and perfectionist tendencies.  With that being said, I believe that we are given lessons until we are able to learn what is meant for us. I also believe that many of those lessons come from our children. 

Too often I acknowledge my anxiety, my frustration, and my perfectionism with a flippant, “Yeah, I know it’s me being a perfectionist but I can’t help it yet.”  Given the tone of yesterday’s opening quote, it is more prevalent to me now that I need to truly do the healing if I am ever going to feel the benefits or see the rewards of that kind of growth.  Yesterday, I made the decision to firmly and completely address this so I can jump off of the dysfunctional roller coaster I’ve created; I no longer want to tip toe into the well of healing—I need to dive in head first.  To be clear, this decision was made 24 to 30 hours ago.

Over the past few months I’ve witnessed so many of my tendencies in my son.  Everything from the anxiety to the perfectionism.  He’s only three and the older he gets, the clearer this message is to me.  While we played a game tonight, he completely flipped out because he couldn’t move the pieces how he wanted to.  He started hitting himself and throwing a tantrum but he refused to stop the game.  Every time I told him how smart he is he told me, “No I’m not!” and then he would start all over again.  He even said, “I’m afraid to lose!” and I could see the frustration in his eyes. 

I remember doing the exact same thing at four years old trying to learn how to tie my shoes.  My heart nearly stopped as I saw this beautiful little boy repeating the exact same things I used to do as a child.  I couldn’t help but see myself.  In that moment pure instinct took over and I grabbed my child and hugged him as hard as I could.  I told him over and over again how smart he is and how much I love him and I asked him what he needed.  He couldn’t tell me.

The first thing I did was make him do some deep breathing.  Then I remembered some of my LMT training and I did some simple techniques to help him calm down and feel his body.  I sat with him and started asking him questions to bring his focus back to the moment (where are your arms? Where is your tummy?  Where is your brain?).  Finally I made him start thanking his brain for everything it does.  I told him over and over again that winning isn’t the goal. When that was done, I asked him how he felt and he said, “A little better.”

The universe in its wisdom holds up mirrors in those closest to us so we can see what we need.  I could have used all of these things as a child.  My parents were always very loving with me, but they attached a lot of value to success.  They never deprived me of anything, but success is what really got the attention.  With that being said they didn’t know how to talk an introverted perfectionist out of her own head.  I’m striving to do that with my child.  I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to start healing that wound tonight.  Yes, in the moment it was completely about my son and not wanting him to feel that kind of frustration, but it was also very much about my need to stop associating my worth with success.  To know that I too can let go and connect with the moment, with my body, and know what is right for me.  If you’re ever looking for the source of some needed healing, look at the mirrors you’ve brought into your life—the answers we need are often right in front of our faces. 

“Maybe right now your journey is about you. Maybe this is the season you are being challenged to be your own savior, to be your own safe place.”  Vibe of the Day

Reading this quote today made me instantly feel both peaceful and completely terrified.  Though we logically know we are responsible for saving ourselves, sometimes we get caught up in old mindsets and start looking for people to “save” us whether it is helping us get out of a situation or simply agreeing that we’ve had a string of bad luck.  We can’t always rely on other people–we have to learn to be our own guides. So I felt peaceful seeing this because it was a reminder of inner strength.

I felt terrified because I’ve never been sure I could save myself.  I still struggle to believe that I have the ability to get myself out (or even through) the situations I put myself in.  I felt sad because it is so lonely being this way.  I’m not necessarily looking for someone to rescue me but it would be nice to know without any doubt that someone has my back.  The irony of it all is that I am so controlling I rarely reach out for help—and I still fear that I won’t be able to help myself in spite of always taking care of myself.  I control my days so carefully that I simply don’t take the risks that would cause an issue.

Perhaps the way to really look at this is there is empowerment in having my own back.  It helps build authenticity navigating through life and working it out.  So, in spite of any fear or doubt, in order to move forward on this journey, I have to let go and trust that I will make it as I always have.  Lean into the discomfort of uncertainty and have faith—and do what I am called to do.  Next steps, new steps, first steps—whatever you call them they all feel shaky at first.  But we get stronger the more we keep going.

Today had its share of ups and downs so I felt the need for some inspiration. I like to draw from Gabby Bernstein’s decks and I use all three (Super Attractor, The Universe Has Your Back, and Spirit Junkie).  In that order I picked “Wanting more for others puts me into an energy of abundance,” When I think I’ve surrendered, I surrender more,” and “All that I need is coming to me in ways I could never have imagined.” 

The cards tonight are reminders that in order to get where we want to be we need to look outside ourselves and to trust—giant, bold, leaping bounds of trust.  Believing that everyone can have more and that the universe has enough to provide for all of our dreams puts us in a state of abundance.  Knowing that gives us security to want more for others and wanting more for others opens the gates for all of us. 

The second card, “When I think I’ve surrendered, I surrender more,” is the  most difficult for me.  I’m a control freak at heart and giving up anything is challenging for me.  I want to know the outcome and I want to prepare for it so I can adjust as needed.  Logically I know that control is an illusion, but I still fight that knowledge and try to put my will on everything.  I know that surrendering is an offering of faith and an instillment of faith in the universe.  Having that faith keeps our energies  high and keeps us moving forward.  I think it’s beautiful—so I will keep working on that one.

The last card, “All that I need is coming to me in ways I could never imagined” reiterates that faith and trust by showing that it is safe to let go because, while we may not know all the details, we know that what we want will arrive in the right time.  It may not look how we thought and we may not take the exact steps we thought we needed to get there, but it still comes to us. 

Wishing you all well!

Today I want to have a little discussion about faith.  I read a post on Instagram discussing how sometimes when we are ready to give up, to let it all go, we receive a message that tells us to stay the course.  In those darkest moments, sometimes a giant ray of light seeks us out and shines a spotlight telling us to continue.

I have been contemplating which direction I want to go in for some time now and I have received messages that, to me, weren’t exactly clear.  I have been ready to pursue some of my goals but I had intended to play it safe and give up the grand ideas.  Honestly, it didn’t bother me much because I still felt satisfied that I had outlined a plan for myself, yet, I knew that I would be giving up some things that are important to me.  In the synchronous, fortuitous way the universe works, the signs have been becoming clearer to continue.  Right before I saw the post I mentioned above, I had read a post from Marie Forleo talking about moving toward joy and paying attention to the signals—that’s all we have to do. 

So after reading the post on faith, I realized I need to live in more faith.  I have lived most of my life walking a tight rope, always afraid I’m going to fall, always overcorrecting and making myself fall.  I KNOW what I am capable of and I used to think knowing that was arrogance.  Now I see that my belief about arrogance undermined what I was supposed to do.  It undermined my ability to believe and to have faith that, even if it didn’t look as I thought it would, what I wanted was happening. The truth is, you move different when you understand your power.  So I need to have faith in the universe, in myself, because that faith creates trust.  Trust creates opportunities—the very opportunities we need.  My goal is to have opportunities and freedom and to create the same for other people.  As they say, faith can move mountains.  Let’s begin the climb. 

Today I am grateful for hope of a new beginning.  We have a chance as a whole to embrace a new chapter.  A chapter that is equitable and filled with possibility for all.  A chapter founded on the belief that we should all have the chance to create the life we want without unnecessary duress.  A chapter founded on the belief that humanity is more important than our bottom line.

Today I am grateful for the chance to create a new history in the process of blazing a trail.  I will not get into a political tirade but I can unequivocally declare that the last four years have been a spotlight on what is wrong with, not only our country, but with our sense of humanity.  Our highest office has been held by a misogynistic racist of a showman determined to drive us into submission unless your bank account was big enough.  As a healthcare worker experiencing this pandemic under this office, I can tell you it has been a nightmare—and it never needed be that way.  As a woman, having the fact highlighted that people can automatically discount you in a million ways based on gender—and to have nearly half a nation revere these behaviors—it is disheartening to see how much work we still have to do.  But I have hope that we are headed in the right direction.

Today I am grateful for communication.  I have a close family member who holds different views than I do regarding the election and we discussed that today.  While we agreed to disagree, it felt nice to be able to express opinions and share ideas with the resolve that we would be working toward something better for everyone in spite of those differences.

Today I am grateful for the privilege of time and resources.  I was able to spend a ton of time focused on my business this weekend.  I was able to cook beautiful food, work on my webpage, and work on my writing.  Granted I feel exhausted, but I am so, so blessed to be able to create and share what I have.  I do not take a second of that for granted. 

Today I am grateful for the beautiful breeze flowing through my house.  The evening is calm as the sun goes down and the delicious air feels like it’s clearing my house.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  It’s a peaceful evening—and I am so lucky to have that. 

Today I am grateful.  Just a note in general—I am grateful to just exist in this moment and not worry about what needs to be done next.  To not worry about tomorrow.  To not worry about anything that may need to be done but to be in this moment. 

Wishing you all a beautiful week!

“You cannot sustain anything all of the time.  Allow things to flow as they do.  Life acts as a natural wave, so flow with the wave.  Don’t expect anything to be sustained or the same.  Understand the flow, and you’ll be fine; fight it and you’ll suffer” Sylvester McNutt III

This quote was absolutely needed today.  I didn’t sleep well last night and I was STRUGGLING today.  I had to go into work early and I was forcing myself to make it through the day. We are trained to constantly force and push and to keep going even when we know better and our bodies and minds are telling us that we need to pause.  We have associated the pause with weakness and unworthiness and we have attached a meaning of worth and value for our ability to push through.  We don’t often look at the ramifications of pushing through.  On the most basic level I felt completely exhausted and beyond that I didn’t communicate well and my work was not what it should have been—plus I felt distracted all day.

When we take the time to pause and adjust to things as they come to us it’s easier to see what we have to do next.  I wrote last week of being in a state of flow and how good it felt being able to navigate the day going from one activity to the next as it was needed.  There was a feeling of weightlessness as I was guided between things that needed attention.  Notice I didn’t say I was multitasking—I took the time to address each thing on its own. 

The mindset is challenging to adopt all at once because the patterns of rushing, schedules, multi-tasking, and achievement are so engrained.  But we instinctively know what feels better.  It is natural to focus and complete—it is not natural to burn ourselves out.  In our current state we value burnout because we associate it with worth.  What if we learned to value ourselves over our achievements? 

Knowing that there is a time for everything and that our patterns are meant to shift and evolve help us navigate our lives more organically.  It feels more authentic.  Again, this is a visceral reaction.  We know when we are in flow BECAUSE it feels good.  Forcing and pressure no longer exist.  Know that as our self-created systems begin to fall apart it is a natural process. 

We are meant to change and adapt and experience life as it comes.  So relax and let go.  Remind yourself of this often and when the tides change, know that you are meant to flow with the wave, not fight it. 

Today I am grateful for the feeling of flow.  Every now and then things align exactly how they are meant to and there is a seamless movement between what needs to be done and what you want to be doing.  Today, blessedly, happened to be one of those days. 

Today I am grateful for emotional progress.  I had taken a few mental health days this past week and I feel good.  I took small steps each day in an effort to feel stable and I realized that I need to take control of my actions.  All of this turmoil (aside from the anxiety) is a direct result of my actions.

Today I am grateful for acceptance.  Normally I am grateful for other people accepting me, but today, I am grateful that I am able to accept myself.  Being in flow and transitioning without stress was a direct result of accepting myself and honoring what I wanted to do.

Today I am grateful for creativity.  We weren’t able to go trick or treating last night so I devised an egg hunt of sorts for my son.  I hid candy in little smashable eggs all over the house and let him find his treats that way.  He had a blast, he got all sugared up, and he still enjoyed Halloween.  I have been concerned about the influence this situation on my kid’s experience as a child.  But doing special things for him has brought me closer to him because I have made sure to be present for him and to make sure he still has fun memories of being a kid even if they are different.

Today I am grateful for fun.  I took down all of my Halloween decorations today and put up all of my fall décor.  I know we are facing another different experience this Thanksgiving so it’s nice to have some fun and practice some of the norm.  All of the little notes of gratitude that I put up in my home have a deeper meaning this year.  I am grateful we are well and that we are together and that I am able to see my family and that they are all healthy as well.

Today I am grateful to see the sun and to feel the light.  In these shortening, temperature-dropping days, it is nice to have such a beautiful day, to see the sun still shining so brightly.  It felt like it was trying to make the hours count.  The season has changed and I am ready for it.

Today I am grateful for rest.  As I’m writing this a little earlier tonight, I am grateful to spend the next few hours relaxing and enjoying some cuddle time with my family.  I’m grateful to slow down and take in the moment and hear the little “I love you’s” my son says. They mean everything to me.  

Everyone have a beautiful week!

I gave meditation a shot this morning and I had a few a-ha moments. 

First I realized how rigid I’ve become.  I’m so unbelievably stiff from sitting at work, from my commute, and then from sitting at home while I’m working on my projects that my body has become inflexible.  This isn’t unlike my mind.  I’ve become so engrained in my routine and thinking about what I want to do that I’ve become rigid in what I’m seeing around me and how it needs to be done. 

Believe me I’m all about flexibility.  I know how valuable being pliable is in this ever-changing world.  Yet, I’m stuck in my own routine.  When we feel like we have to do things a certain way we lose the ability to see other opportunities, other ways that get us there.  More importantly, other ways to view my experiences and to question the validity and necessity of my routine. 

Secondly, as I moved my legs into butterfly position, it hurt the closer I brought my feet to my body.  Yes, this is right up there with my first point about my physical need to move, but another pattern revealed itself:  the closer I get to the root of the issue, the more painful it is, and this is when I want to give up and turn away.

How often are we directly faced with what we need to address?  How often do we handle it?  The deeper I dive into the core of the issue, the more I see I need to forgive, the more I need to accept and move on, I feel myself pushing away.  I still feel that impulse to turn away and pretend it doesn’t exist. 

Sometimes it feels too bright and I can’t face it.  These are feelings of unworthy.  Isn’t that true for all of us?  We know that we have this purpose inside of us but we don’t feel it is ours to claim, like it can’t really be meant for us.  Other times I turn away because I’m ashamed of what I see.  These feelings exist in all of us, often at the same time.  Our worth doesn’t change based on the things we’ve had to do to learn what we are meant for.  Sometimes going through the muck of our life lessons brings us to that potential. 

Perhaps with flexibility we can view our potential without fear and we can accept the things we are ashamed of without judgement.  Maybe it is that simple.  Don’t run away from any of it, the good or the bad.                 

“Evolving involves eliminating” Erykah Badu

In this spirit I have begun the process of eliminating.  I’ve let my physical environment get out of hand so it feels good to organize and clean.  It makes things clear.  And it does feel like it’s opening space to bring me where I want to be.

But I’m also working on eliminating the emotional setbacks.

Eliminating the fear.  Eliminating the emotional clutter.  Eliminating the confusion.  Eliminating toxic relationships.  Eliminating wasted time.  Eliminating perfection.

Let it all go.

Then breathe in the moment.  Take what is.  Accept.  Breathe again.  And know that is all you need to do right now.  Breathe.

Eventually it will make sense.  I’m not saying I have a clue what that feels like because there is a lot that doesn’t make sense to me.  But I do know what feels good.  I know what feels better than before.  Maybe that is enough.

Maybe feeling better is the only indicator we need to tell us where to go when we feel like we are at the bottom.  And it does feel better to decide when something feels better.

So here we are.  Heading somewhere.  We will know when we get there.  😊    

Follow your inner moonlight, don’t hide the madness—Allen Ginsberg

In looking at what we want to change in our lives, overwhelm often creeps in easily.  I know it happens to me…a lot. So I’m simplifying.  Rather than look at change as a punitive process, or as something I “should” be doing, I’m looking at my curiosity around the situation and how I feel.  I’m questioning rather than dictating.  For example, instead of saying things like, “I need to accept all of me” I’m asking, “What would it feel like to love me?” 

Connecting to the feeling of the desired change makes it easier to transition through the change.  Creating questions allows us to explore options rather than try to adhere to preconceived ideas about what things should look like.  You can ask anything.  Some of what I’ve come up with is What would it feel like to let go of anxiety?  What would it feel like to not be angry?  What would it feel like to not take things personally?  What would it feel like to step into my power?  What would it feel like to be connected to source?

A habit of mine is to take on a ton of projects all at once.  I’d get overwhelmed and end up not finishing any of it.  Rather than looking at a massive to do list and trying to change everything at once, I’m breaking down the process in one area at a time.  I’m going with what feels right.  Focusing creates progress and makes it easier to branch out into other areas. 

So let’s all promise to be a little gentler with ourselves.  Let’s engage our curiosity.  Let’s look at our lives as the grand experiment that they are and accept where we are.  I think we will all feel amazed at the weight that falls off of our shoulders.