Josh Shipp said, “You either get bitter or you get better.  It’s that simple…the choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.”  I like saying it like this: you get better or you get bitter—the only difference is the “I.”  Too often we forget our inherent, innate power.

Life is a series of transitions and changes, and right now (well, this year in particular) we have been forced to adapt and change over and over and over again.  There are no answers for what is going on right now.  People are desperate to get back to some sense of what they knew as normal—because it had an element of control.  My life has been no exception and I am in the process of realigning.

The truth is control is an illusion.  Yes we have control over when we wake up, when we leave for work, what clothes we wear.  But control over the grand scheme of things is non-existent.  We are on a divine plan, not our own.  We create situations of control to feel empowered.  Real power is derived from a sense of knowing who we are, not from what we acquire or what we attempt to have power over.  Power is in our relationships with ourselves. 

Upheaval and change, especially unexpected change can create a sense of anxiety as well as a sense of anger.  But understanding that life really does guide us where we need to be is a step toward engaging with the natural flow of things.  Upheaval isn’t always a bad thing—sometimes it is the universe saying you are ready to level up and it is time to move on.

There is a lot to be bitter about this year.  There have been innumerable losses (many of them preventable–alas, that is a different story) of people, jobs, things that have torn away who we thought we were.  Yet there is this remarkable chance to create a new foundation for ourselves, one based on who we really are.  That gives me hope.  I choose to be better.  I choose to keep the bitterness out of my heart.  I choose to do more than make the best of other people’s bad decisions—I choose to make my own decisions.  I choose to love this life and to be grateful for it because I have a life.  Choose better. 

Today I am grateful for redesigned priorities.  I’ve faced a lot of transitions this week and each of those situations has helped me clarify what is really important—beyond what I thought I wanted.  In each case, while I have had twinges of frustration that things didn’t seem to be going my way, I have simultaneously felt clearer, more guided, and more aligned.  My priorities weren’t necessarily the priorities that I needed to focus on.

Today I am grateful for my health.  That has become my main priority at this point and I am developing a plan to figure out what is going on with me as well as a plan to keep myself on track once we have an idea of what the issue is.  I’m also grateful that I’ve spent the last several months already adjusting and working on my food intake because I knew my health was going to be a priority.

Today I am grateful for time well spent.  Part of reprioritizing is also revamping how I spend my time.  We are gifted with only so many days and it is important to spend them wisely.  What that means to each of us is different, but I know that means doing things that bring me joy, that bring me closer to my purpose, and things that are fulfilling.  All of that has a new meaning to me now.  Taking care of my health means I will be around to take care of my family and those who need me.  So I am grateful to make decisions on how to purposefully spend my time.

Today I am grateful spontaneity and for my parents in particular for going along with it.  Today is my husband’s birthday and we were able to (safely) go out for a few hours this morning and my parents took our son so we could take a break for a little bit.  My husband and I were able to spend some time together not focusing on the house or on work and I was able to bring him somewhere he wanted to go.

Today I am grateful for confidence.  There was a brief incident today where I had made a mistake while I was out with my husband.  Some of the (very few) people who were there noticed and a few people made comments.  I stopped for a little bit and sat out for about 30 minutes to gather my bearings.  In that moment I realized that is what I always did—and just as quickly that I didn’t want to be that person anymore.  I picked up and joined in again.  I am a fully grown adult—and I had almost let someone talk me out of doing what I wanted to be doing simply because they were judgy.  I literally said, “Not today,” and tried again.  We ended up having a great time.

Today I am grateful for my sweet son.  He has been struggling with the current state of things lately.  He’s a toddler and he has been hearing a lot of, “No” lately when it comes to the things he wants to do.  Perfectly normal stage, I know, but I can see that with things being so restricted now, his frustration is building and building.  In spite of that, he absolutely amazes me.  We are in the process of reorganizing and I had some cloth bins sitting in his play room waiting to be put into the cubes for the last week.  Tonight he came into my room and asked me to come see what he did.  He had opened the bins and started putting his toys in them.  Such a sweet boy.                

 We all have a lot to be thankful for—I hope you all have a wonderful week!        

Things took a turn for me this week.  In my last piece I discussed the low grade melancholy and the need for self-love/self-acceptance.  Well, I listened to that inner knowing and I went to the doctor for the first time in four years.  I’ve had a multitude of symptoms for quite some time and while I was grocery shopping last weekend a sharp stabbing pain took over my abdomen followed by intense swelling/bloating.  Clearly this wasn’t going to resolve itself any longer.  So I went in to the doctor and ended up getting a CT less than an hour after describing my symptoms and being looked at.

The test didn’t give me all the answers and I have quite a few follow up appointments next week, but it potentially explained so much of why I feel the way I do.  Once I have more results confirmed, I will be able to speak more about that.

All these years I have believed that I needed to be in control of everything.  What’s more is that I believed I was a failure if I couldn’t control everything.  I have believed that, as a species, we should be able to make a decision and control our actions to get the results we wanted and that it showed something “wrong” if you weren’t getting results.  One test has shown me that 1. Not everything is in our control and 2. Sometimes the behaviors we accept in ourselves and feel we can’t change are NOT the result of our upbringing or our brain structure, but something else in our body.

Going to the doctor showed me that there are other possible answers to what I believed was a done deal so to speak.  That inner knowing told me that I needed to give up the control and go get help—even as I wrote about self-love, that was something telling me to pay attention to my body.  Even if I waited until that inner knowing became an incredibly painful message that brought me to my knees, I eventually listened.  And I am so glad I did.

While I still need to find some answers, a couple hours at the hospital set me on the right track.  It also affirmed that once you set your mind to something, the universe responds.  Too many times I have set the intention to take care of myself and have fallen off the wagon or I haven’t followed through.  This time the universe put me in a situation where I had no choice but to take care of myself—and even show me that there may be real physical reasons for the way I feel.  So I have options.  They are options that I didn’t anticipate having to work through, but I believe they are the right ones even if they are different than I had hoped.

I hope my story is an example of trusting your intuition, following it, and taking things one day at a time.  My priorities have shifted significantly in the last 24 hours—and I am glad.  While it is a blessing to have options and means to do things, sometimes we need that narrowed down—at least I do.  I let my world get too cluttered and take on more than I can chew. I’m going to spend the next few days prioritizing and taking care of my health because that is what needs to be done now.  The rest will fall into place.               

I’ve been doing a lot of root-cause analysis about where I am today.  While I’m not miserable, I have been feeling a constant low-grade melancholy lately.  Just a feeling that something is off and a general unhappiness with how things are going.  I know we’ve all been there: some days things just suck.  You don’t see the way out and any ray of light that shines your way feels like it’s mocking you.

Some messages repeat until you understand them and I believe that if you aren’t happy with where you’re at then you need to adjust and realign to get where you want to be.  For me, I have to learn to love myself unconditionally.  It isn’t easy for me to have that kind of emotion toward myself because I’m stuck behind needing to be worthy—I haven’t learned to accept that I’m inherently worthy. But we all deserve love.  And that means starting with completely, unashamedly, and unconditionally accepting and loving ourselves. I need to do that for myself as well.

Part of that unconditional love is making friends with myself.  I’ve had a tendency to devalue myself and to put people on a pedestal as if their contributions are more valuable than mine—or that I have nothing to contribute of value.  But if I love myself unconditionally, that means the highest version of myself isn’t too good for me—she’s waiting for me.  She’s not expecting perfection, she’s expecting me to get off my ass and do SOMETHING. 

I really need to let go of the past—like actually do it.  Let it lie.  Honor it, feel grateful for the lessons, and bury it.  There is nothing new there and there is nothing that can be changed about events that have already happened.  They are done.  They have served their purpose.  So pay homage and move on.    

So with these little epiphanies, I follow Gabby Bernstein’s quote, “Lean toward joy and be led.”  It is right and necessary to do what feels good, interesting, or appropriate rather than cloud myself with what I “should” do or what is “the right thing.”  Leaning toward joy is all about listening to that little voice inside that I’ve always tried to repress—the inner knowing.

Lastly, I realized I need to walk away when my boundaries aren’t respected and when I am not heard—when people choose to not hear me.  I am allowed to assert myself with confidence.  Setting limits isn’t rude—that conditioning needs to go away.

Stop fighting, start flowing and decide what comes next.  Then learn, adapt, try again, and evolve as necessary.  Be. Do. That’s all we have to do—and that is enough.   

Today I am grateful for the reminders to take care of my health.  I’ve had some physical concerns for the last few months and over this weekend, they have made it to the point where it is no longer a “wait and see” type situation.  This is something I need to address.  I’ve been afraid to hear what the issue really is but I know that knowing is going to be better than not knowing and doing something to make this better will resolve a lot more than the physical issues.  The mental stress of not knowing and guessing will go away.  And perhaps the physical issues have been causing the other issues like snapping at people and such an intolerance for minor inconveniences.  So I am grateful to handle these things.

Today I am grateful to have accomplished a few of the things I wanted to this weekend.  I had taken Friday off but I ended up having to work for a few hours and I haven’t been feeling well for the greater part of two days. I was still able to get some decorating done and play some games with my son.  I lost my temper on more than one occasion because he was exceptionally demanding this weekend and I wasn’t anticipating having to work like I did. Then my son broke an ornament from my grandmother who is no longer with us.  The mental exhaustion is high and I am struggling to get beyond that because whenever I have to stop I feel like it’s wasting time.  But the harder I push, the worse I feel.  So I am going to be happy with what I managed to get done and try again.

Today I am grateful to see the sun.  We’ve had exceptionally warm weather the last few weeks so we were able to go for walks nearly every day.  I got to take the dog out for early morning walks the last two days and it was such a nice way to begin the day. 

Today I am grateful to have warm clothes and a comfortable bed to sleep in.  I’m not sure if coddling myself is really beneficial at this point but I am so exhausted that I am truly grateful to have a comfortable place to rest my head tonight.  I know I just had a long weekend, but I really feel like I need actual rest. 

Building off of the last point, today I am grateful to recognize a habit that doesn’t really serve.  I’ve been trying to push because I want to get things done (and I’m really driven) but I have been using time that was built in and designed for rest to continue to push through.  I have filled that time with more to-do lists and things I want to check off rather than resting.  My limits are changing and my mind is craving actual solitude and peace—not making the house look like a Christmas workshop.  I mean, yes I wanted to do it, but my mind just isn’t really into it.  So I know I need to listen to what my body is telling me—and take care of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Wishing you all a wonderful week!   

I’ve been developing a gratitude practice for a long time now so I’ve never felt the need to dedicate one day to being grateful.  I’ve also thought that only giving one day to express and feel gratitude deeply is a disservice to ourselves and everyone around us.  This entire year has expressly shown us that we need to be more present and recognize the gifts we have.  This is no longer the time to demand or be self-serving.  It is the time of making something of what we have.  It is time to create more than we consume.  The irony is not lost on me that this is the food holiday of the year but the point stands nonetheless.

I wish that we had been able to be with the entire family today, I really do.  But there was a certain peace about the day with just the three of us.  There was a slowing down and a coming back to ourselves rather than being performative or trying to control anything.  It was bittersweet, because at the same time, I feel like we really needed that connection this year, the familiarity of being together.  You never know, we could have ended up with a giant complaint fest over how the year has been so it may have been a blessing to learn to appreciate what we have together. 

Today was spent baking and cooking with my son, laughing with my husband, arguing with the dogs (and my son a few times), and then indulging in a small but plentiful meal and then we started decorating for Christmas.  While it was different, it was ours and the memories we made, I am truly thankful for.

No matter your tradition or what you did differently this year, I hope you had a wonderful day and made it an experience filled with love.  No matter your opinion of the holiday, there is power in being together, expressing gratitude, and loving each other unconditionally.  I choose to celebrate this day from that place.  Wishing you all well.   

My husband and I were watching TV tonight and the main characters started talking about old incidents (from years past) right as they were about to embark on a new stage in their relationship.  They began discussing the possibility of self-sabotage and how they felt they 1. Didn’t deserve each other and 2. That they may find someone more compatible/more like themselves and leave the other.

It was appropriate this evening in particular because it made me look at how I behave in my relationship, how I sabotage it.  How I sabotage the place I want us to be (and the place we said we wanted to be) by falling into old habits and letting my insecurities bring me back to old habits. 

I felt incredibly anxious about our relationship tonight because I knew my husband was upset about something.  My husband struggles at times with being alone with our son.  I know the struggle because it can be challenging to deal with a toddler, take care of two rambunctious dogs, and get anything of value done.  But I so desperately want him to engage with the family that when he starts showing me how frustrated he is, I feel like I have to jump in and intervene or find some way to make my husband happy.  The reality is we are partners and we both need to deal with the struggle of balancing what needs to be done—it doesn’t impact him any more than it does me.  Also, we have created this life together—all of these things are the result of decisions we have made and what we have built. I need to let him deal with it as much as I do. 

I don’t want to be a martyr and swoop in and save the day—I know better but I still do it because I am anxious that I’m doing something wrong and that I need to fix the situation.  In order for all of our relationships to be healthy then we have to work out our issues by facing them.  It isn’t healthy for me to fight that battle for him.  I also need to understand that these conflicts will happen naturally and that I can’t prevent them.

The other issue that came up related to self-sabotage was the fact that I can’t stand it when my husband plays video games and checks out on us—he can play for hours upon hours while things that need to be done are ignored or I end up doing them.  But when he gets in moods (like tonight), his annoyance and aggravation make me so uncomfortable that I give in.  I even went so far as to zelle him part of the money so he could buy a new gaming system tonight.  It didn’t hit me how truly messed up that was until I listened to the conversation about self-sabotage.

Here I was, so desperate and so uncomfortable with him being frustrated that I tried to provide him with the means to do something that truly gets in the way of the life we are trying to build.  In the back of my mind I hope that he would recognize what I’m doing for him and be so grateful that he will give me what I want: time together as a family.  Or even my equal share of time apart. But that is manipulative and I still end up hurt.  It’s not fair to either of us.  It isn’t his job to meet my expectations regarding what this relationship looks like: we have to set that together.  It isn’t my job to ease his annoyance with taking care of our kid. 

I don’t need to be a martyr to get what I want—it’s manipulative.  I need to work on the things I need for myself and let him work on what he needs.  That is the only way we will grow as individuals and as a couple.  I can’t be afraid that we will disappoint each other or that I need to be doing more to keep him interested and appreciative of me.  I need to stay my course and be the woman I know I am.  We’ve been together nearly two decades—and I am just now realizing my part in perpetuating this cycle.  It’s time to stop it—and the first part of that is recognizing what we are really doing. When it comes to being a martyr, it felt good to be the victim because I can justify why I haven’t gotten farther.  I can justify my guilty splurges as well—because he has his.  But those behaviors aren’t getting us anywhere.  They certainly won’t get us where we say we want to be and they are all habit based.  So for the sake of our relationship, for our individual sanity, and for the future we have been talking about, it is time to break the habits.  When you have anxiety sometimes it’s a fine line between the habits causing the anxiety and the anxiety causing the habits—but either way, awareness leads to a new path.  I’m grateful for each little reminder to keep changing and moving forward—even if it’s a TV show.

Today I am grateful for some extra nice weather.  We were able to take a long walk with the dogs today and see the animals around the lake.  It felt amazing to be out in the fresh air.  It was one of those moments where it felt like my body was screaming to move and as soon as we started walking I immediately felt relief.

Today I am grateful for time spent together.  Not only did we get to go on a walk today, my husband and I were able to spend some time together in the kitchen.  We made homemade chicken noodle soup, some butternut squash pilaf, and some chick pea hash for the week.  We’ve also been making preparations for Thanksgiving on Thursday and it has felt so nice to be working together.

Today I am grateful for everything we have been able to do during this year.  While we are approaching the holiday season and I see that people are struggling with how different things are going to look, I am grateful that we are still able to have some semblance of our tradition.  I am also grateful to remember quite clearly what is really important: this is about our time together and appreciating the gifts we have, the life we have built.  Just because it looks different, it doesn’t diminish what we have to celebrate. 

Today I am grateful for focused time with my son.  He has been in full threenager mode this year and that has been a challenging transition for all of us because he has learned to assert himself effectively.  Remembering that my son is his own person with his own thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs is hard to keep at the front of my mind.  He frustrates easily so he argues quickly—and there are times I just don’t have the patience or the time to deal with it.  Spending time with him doing what he wants to do is an effective tool but it isn’t always practical.  It was nice to give him some time to do what he wanted to do.

Today I am grateful for excitement and anticipation.  In spite of everything that has happened this year, I have seen first hand that things have a way of working out.  I’m looking forward to creating new ways to bring the magic into our household.  My husband is having a difficult time getting excited for the holidays this year (and I will not push him) but I still feel hopeful and excited to share a wonderful holiday with my family.  Even if we can’t host this year, I am still giving my son memories of us being together and having fun.  Plus there are ways we can still see the family even if we aren’t in person.

Today I am grateful for education.  I started reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. today and it is fascinating.  There is so much information available in the world, it reminds me of why I haven’t been able to decide on one thing to do with my time.  But today it gives me hope—I don’t have to settle on one thing.  Life is about alchemy and all of those topics I enjoy can find a place together somehow.

Today I am grateful for love.  No matter what my relationships have looked like, I have been blessed with an abundance of love.  I am working on loving myself more—and as we know that is one of the most difficult things to do.  But there is so much value in caring for ourselves, for setting our worth, and for sticking with it.  I am so grateful to have reminders every day of the existence of love in every form in this world. 

Have a wonderful week, everyone!             

Nikita Gill, “The ghosts of all the women you used to be are so proud of who you have become.”

I saw this quote today and paused.  I reread it several times, each more pointedly.  A feeling of slowly coming awake washed over me followed by intense sadness.  Tears pricked my eyes but wouldn’t fall.  Sometimes it’s the random moments like that that reveal what we really need—and on some level I needed a release.

The release wasn’t about recognizing those women, those other forms of me and letting them rest.  It was about the fact that I am still trying to keep all of those women alive.  For so long I’ve been trying to keep failed pieces, long forgotten fragments, lost hopes, forgotten aspirations alive.  I never let them go.  I always convinced myself that I was able to do everything.  I mean everything.  And the result was that I started living too many lives, not understanding that, in order to move forward, I would have to let something go. 

I never took the time to understand that not all paths were meant for me, no matter how capable I believed myself to be.  I never took the time to find out what path I really wanted to follow or create.  I never really took the time to mourn things I needed to let go of.  I want to preface this next statement with I do understand that not everything gets closure.  But I have to admit that in this case, I needed to create some closure in order to move forward.

As someone who lives with anxiety, it is really difficult to be in the moment simply because I often focus on the past and what I could have done differently or I focus on the future and what could go wrong.  The key that I’m focusing on now is understanding that the past or future can’t be addressed in the present.  For me it is also about developing faith and knowing that there is a reason for the way things happen.  I wrote a piece about how finding faith leads to progress.  There is progress in the realization that I need to honor my past decisions and the person I was at that time.

To who we once were, you brought us here today.  To who we will be, we are creating a foundation for you today.  On a personal note, to the ghosts I carry with me, I am ready to put you to rest.  I’m sorry for carrying you for so long when you were ready for me to let go.  I will carry the lessons with me and let you be.  I promise to make you proud.          

Today I am grateful to break patterns.  I was feeling antsy this afternoon—really restless.  Instead of trying to figure out where to go I paused and realized I needed to move my body.  I took my son for a long walk through a neighborhood we hadn’t been through before.  Even though the weather was cold and windy, we were bundled up and kept going.  My son wanted to look for his treasure so we made a game of it and enjoyed seeing the neighborhood.  I also had a moment this morning of feeling insecure.  Memories of long ago were triggered and I found myself feeling not good enough.  I quickly stopped myself by saying, “This is where you are now and you have your talents and appeal.  You are beyond this” and it really helped me.

Today I am grateful for the uniqueness of the times we are in.  In spite of challenges we have faced this year, I love seeing reminders of our resilience and that there are different ways to do things.  It seems silly but there were houses who have both their fall decorations and their Christmas decorations up.  It’s so 2020 as far as anything goes.  If it feels good, just do it.  It doesn’t matter if it isn’t what we are “supposed” to do—we can do things differently just because we like it.  To me that means there are plenty of opportunities out there to change.

Today I am grateful for purposeful rest.  Again, the weather hasn’t been the greatest, so we took time to really relax today.  I managed to get in a 30 minute nap and I felt amazing after I woke up.  I was able to get my meal prep done this morning and I even got to read for a little bit.  It all felt so right.  It’s amazing what happens when you do what you’re being called to do.

Today I am grateful to see and experience what is really important.  Family is number one for me, especially my son.  While we were on our treasure hunt I told him that he is my treasure.  In his beautiful three year old way he immediately told me that I am his mommy treasure.  Regardless of him repeating, it melted my heart and reminded me how lucky I am to be his mom.

Today I am grateful to be where I am.  It’s so easy to get caught up in where we are going and the things we want.  For the first time in a long time I am truly content to be where I am.  The truth is, I wasn’t here three years ago.  I wasn’t here even three months ago.  I am proud that I am now able to be more present.  Yes, I have more work to do and yes, I still have next level work that I am focused on—but I am content to be where I am because I am now in a position to get where I want to go.  What a blessing.

Today I am grateful for the adventure that is life.  It’s a beautiful thing to be alive because, no matter the external circumstances, we are always able to turn things around.  We are truly able to make the best of things and to deeply experience what we have.  In fact, it is often when we deeply experience what we have that we are able to make the best of things.  

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead!