I want to talk briefly about the lies we are fed.  I think we are walking up in this society to the idea that we no longer want to work as we have been, and we are slowly coming to the realization that the system as we have it never really worked for everyone anyway.  I think we also feel tired of being told to stop trusting our instincts.  I know from my experience on the business side in healthcare that I am tired of being told things are a certain way when they are not.  We are constantly striving to make things happen but we are never looking at the real cost.  We say that mental health and employee well being is key but we consistently underpay and undercut the value of what people do and make it so we don’t have a full complement of people to do the work.

As we were listening to another discussion about the most recent merger we are taking on, it hit me that it is merely business.  They care about the bottom line and that means keeping people sick.  I know the more I work through this in my mind, I’m tired of being taken advantage of and then being told I’m not.  That is gaslighting at its finest.  We know when something is off and we know when there is more to the story than we are told.  It’s not like we wouldn’t understand extenuating circumstances, but there seems to be this idea that we need to protect the image of the business over telling the truth.  Moreover, I’m really sad that they feel like we are stupid enough to not know what is really going on.

The main point to this is to know that we can trust our instincts.  We were given those senses to keep us safe and to guide us where we need to go.  So many of us have learned to not trust ourselves because we haven’t found a different way yet.  We are still taught the current system is safe when we know it isn’t but we don’t have anything to replace it yet.  That isn’t a reason to not trust what we know.  We have to ask ourselves whose interest it serves if we don’t trust ourselves.  Certainly not ours.  If we do what someone else wants of us, that doesn’t teach us to trust what we know.

Our conversation yesterday left off talking about the life we are meant to have.  I spent my whole life with this idea of who I am, putting all kinds of pressure on myself to do things a certain way.  I looked at failure as if I was a failure rather than understanding a plan failed and needed to be revised.  When you have that type of belief, you start finding all of the other negative crap out there.  You start looking for other ways to find validation including making other people happy—people pleasing.  If what I said about creating a foundation and knowing when it’s time to let our past lie is true, and I believe it is, then we know when it’s time to stop pleasing others as well because our validation comes from outside.  We are looking to build a foundation and to see our worth as it is rather than wait for someone else to tell us what we are worth.

I had a conversation at work that actually really woke me up.  I was told twice within the same week that I need to celebrate the small wins and that I’m too hard on myself.  That would mean I’m letting go of the idea that things need to be perfect in order to be celebrated and that it’s ok to accept and celebrate progress.  I’ve always believed that we should celebrate small wins because that is the measure of progress, it just wasn’t something practiced for myself.  Maybe the truth is I just didn’t believe it for myself.  I never allowed myself to be an example of working through a problem, rather, I thought I needed to be an example of getting it done right. I thought that my perseverance was key rather than learning how to progress.

So I had a moment of realization that I never really took the time to know me.  I was never secure enough to let people see my progress until recently and even then I’ve held back in some facets.  I spent so much time trying to show others that I was capable in order to be accepted that I never learned to accept myself.  I thought I needed to present an image and then it hit me: this life doesn’t have to be so serious.  Why put that much pressure on myself to be a certain way?  I mean, life is fluid and dynamic and we aren’t meant to be the same thing forever.  So why should I hold myself to a different standard than anyone else?  Why would those changes not apply to me?

I have taken life too seriously for too long.  I mean, I thought I needed to do certain things every day and I was locked into that.  But there is more value in demonstrating the fluidity of life and knowing how to go with the ebbs and flows as they come than in rigidly sticking with what we know.  Plus there doesn’t have to be some grand master plan.  Sometimes our purpose is as simple as listening to a friend, or helping a coworker finish an assignment, or cuddling with our kid for a few extra minutes.  Yes, my goal is to change the world through waking people up to their purpose, but that purpose doesn’t carry the weight of the universe.  Yes, it’s a part of it and it is integral, but the universe will always correct itself so I don’t need to add that extra pressure of getting it right.

I mean, Stephenie Meyer got famous for writing Twilight.  Not that fame is the answer or even the goal, but her purpose was to tell a story.  Some of us are meant to awaken the world but we can do that through telling our story as well.  It doesn’t have to be life altering because simply fulfilling our purpose can be enough to change someone’s life.  It may not change the world but it will change that person’s world.  So I’m destroying the idea that I need to be perfect or that I need to carry the weight all by myself.  I’m accepting who I am and hoping that my words will resonate with someone.  That my message will be received.  I’d rather fulfill my purpose than someone else’s idea of what I should do, and that is all that matters.

Thoughts on destruction and creation raced through my head again recently.  Thoughts about how we are constantly in one state or another.  How everything we do one day is brand new and the end of the previous.  Even as I put these words on the page, this page is never the same again.  Every day is a blank slate and we get the opportunity to tell a new story.  As we move through various stages of our lives, we release what was in order to take in what IS.  We constantly give up ideas about who we thought we were and what we needed to do and we create who we are…for the moment at least.

In my life I’ve been a records tech, a lead, a manager, a dispatcher, an artist, a massage therapist, a therapist, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a support system, a mentor, and a million other things I can’t think of in the moment.  But each time I learned to wear one of those hats, I let go of another identity.  And honestly, I think my biggest mistake was wearing each of those identities as if that were truly me.  I associated each thing I was doing with who I was.  It lead to a lot of confusion and fear on my part because as my external world changed, I had no clue how to react.  I attached my outer world to my inner world and it felt like I fell apart each time that exterior changed. 

It hasn’t been until recently that I welcomed the destruction.  Things change for all of us, every day, that is to be expected because that is simply life.  That doesn’t mean saying goodbye to something we are familiar with or that gives us security is easy.  No.  But there is so much possibility in destruction.  It takes away the extraneous and allows us to build a new foundation in its place.  There is potential in what we let go of because it makes way for something new.  So maybe it isn’t so much destruction, but an evolution in what we need and where we are meant to go.  It is the ultimate test of faith because we often have to go head first into the unknown.      

There is also peace in letting go and accepting destruction as a natural course of life because it allows us to take our hands off of the wheel so to speak and let ourselves be driven.  There is a knowing in us that we are trained to ignore.  That is knowing when it is time to move on, when it is time to give up patterns we’ve repeated for the sake of repeating them, when something we are doing no longer serves us or the greater good.  In my life, I’ve often held on longer than I should have because it was familiar.  Plus I always thought that if we are meant to maintain something, we need to fight for it.  The reality is, when those moments happen, it is time to go with it.  It isn’t about making things a certain way, it’s about embracing the possibility. 

There is freedom in letting go of anything.  Moreso in letting go of what we tell ourselves we are.  Yes it’s scary, I will never undermine that.  But once you do let go and feel the joy of release, the ultimate letting go of pressure, it is all worth it.  We don’t need to go through life hitting the gas and the brakes at the same time.  That’s what letting go of the wheel does.  It allows us to experience life rather than control it.  There are things we think we want, but we don’t know what we will get…and then we get what we need and it changes everything.  So let the idea of what you think you need fall apart.  You may end up with far more than you thought you could get.  Let the universe surprise you.  Let your dreams go to the wayside in favor of what you’re meant to have.

As we’ve been working through the physical rehab of my mother’s knee, I’ve seen the side of defeat and triumph.  Defeat in the matter of feeling like she can’t physically go on and feeling no matter what you do it isn’t enough.  Triumph in seeing that you are able to push the body further than you thought.  In both scenarios, I’ve seen that mindset has been key.  Regardless of the outcome, it was the result of the belief.  “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right” is extremely appropriate here.  Going from the feeling of we won’t get past the first day to knowing that small steps make all the difference shows how important it is to not limit yourself because of where you’re at.

The interesting part of all of this has been the shift in dynamic in my relationship with my parents.  We’ve always been fairly codependent for myriad of reasons and we have both had to learn how to separate a bit.  My sister’s words about the choices I’ve made in my life and her opinion of my relationship with my parents still echo in my mind.  I know the things she said are true on some level.  I needed to find a new level of independence.  But she failed to understand where that dependence initially came from.  See, the people who were supposed to support me didn’t—I felt like a burden to my siblings because I came so far after they did.  My parents were indeed the only ones who supported me for the longest time and I wanted to return that favor.

So, we are in an interesting state of learning to separate and for a while it legitimately felt pretty desperate.  That goes back to the whole state of mind thing.  My mom wasn’t anticipating how difficult this would be for her and she never believed in herself enough to understand that putting in the work would make all the difference in her recovery.  Ancient history thrown on top of those fears led her to a really negative state of mind.  She honestly said at one point that she didn’t want to go on because she was afraid she would be like this the rest of her life.  All she could see was the moment in front of her, painful and learning to walk again.  I saw the prisoner holding the key.  But no amount of encouraging words would get through to her, and in that state of mind I’m not surprised.  So came the next step in my evolution:

I can’t fight for her harder than she fights for herself.  The same for my father who is going through some similar issues around mortality and finding purpose as well.  I can’t fight the fight they need to find within themselves.  That revelation is a turning point and it is far more applicable to the state of the world than what is happening in my family.  None of us can fight harder than the person involved in order to change a situation.  We all need that ear and that understanding, but we can’t expect the other person to do the work for us.  And that is what we are also missing: the accountability to create the life claim we want.

That latter point I have felt deeply over the last month.  I see what I want but I have to admit that it isn’t as clear as it should be.  I still allow myself to let the feelings take over so if I am feeling drained then I stop pushing.  To a point, we all have to recognize our limits and for me, it’s a struggle to juggle my mind between the tasks I need to do in a day for over 16 hours straight. The mind isn’t designed to function like that and I DO need a break.  But it’s also about choice.  I can decide what I’m going to focus on and how I’m going to spend that energy.  I have to fight for me harder than I expect others to fight for me because they won’t.  

I’ve never really taken the time to slow down and build a foundation of trust and faith.  I’ve spoken about it, I’ve tried it, but I’ve never really practiced it as much as I should have to build that unshakeable trust.  I think faith is misconstrued as belief in a God that either rewards or punishes us depending on our deeds.  I used to believe that myself and maybe that’s why I haven’t really done the work.   I’ve never been a religious woman, that isn’t what this post is about, but I believed that every bad thing that happened to me was a result of something I did.  I never felt like anything I did well was a result of my actions, and that was the foundation of me hating myself.  I blamed every bad thing on myself.  I never took the lesson for what it really was, I took it as a result of what I’d done.    

I draw inspirational cards every morning to start my day because it reminds me that there is something greater out there guiding me and connecting all of us.  I like to share them with people as well to remind us that there are reasons to keep going.  For the last two days in a row, I’ve drawn messages about faith and about remembering our connectedness.  The universe/source, whatever you may believe in, isn’t passing judgement.  It IS responding to what we do and how we feel about ourselves but that is on an energetic level—it isn’t punitive.  The universe wants us to connect to energy and to fulfill our purpose and to fuel the awakening within ourselves.  It needs us to do well in order to help others do well.  It needs us to remember that we are all one. 

Faith isn’t about being pious and passing judgement on ourselves or others.  Faith is about finding love for oneself because we know we are part of the universe.  THAT is the unshakeable foundation that allows us to see the infinite possibilities in front of us.  That is the foundation that understands things are a lesson yes, but they aren’t a lesson in what we’ve done wrong, they are a lesson in how to readjust our frequency to tap into the power available to us.  That power isn’t exclusive but it does require a specific ability.  It requires an ability to put aside what you think you need in the moment for the greater good of what is needed by all.

Another aspect of faith, for me at least, is to follow the signs.  Gabby Bernstein talks about manic manifesting which is letting the mind wander in too many directions, thinking we are drawing energy to us, when in reality, we aren’t focused enough to allow anything to settle.  But there comes a point when you see the same message repeatedly and frequently enough that, hopefully, you understand it is meant for you.  You are supposed to act on that.  Faith is about security, yes, but it is about connection.  It’s about the balance between knowing you can do it and knowing you will be supported when you think you can’t. When I drew these cards multiple days in a row, that is a sign for me to pay attention.  It’s about knowing I need to work on that foundation.

Today I am grateful for a reset.  The break I need is here and I am taking some time to simply relax.  I’m enjoying working on some writing and watching movies with my family.  I’m enjoying cuddles with my son and husband and the animals.  I’m working on bringing my mind down a few notches.  It isn’t healthy to constantly go.  There is a mental and physical limit on it.  We can’t do more than we recharge.  We need to take a break and honor our limits and I am ok to let go this time.

Today I am grateful for morning cuddles.  I’ve felt pressed for time lately, constantly rushing and moving and doing.  The last few mornings my son has asked that I cuddle with him and I’ve had every intention of doing so, but I just didn’t do it for one reason or another.  This morning, he asked me again.  I climbed into bed with him still knowing that list of things to do waited for me.  But I realized that I didn’t want to continue breaking a promise to him.  How hard is it to stop for even half an hour and spend it with my boy?  Some days, truly, it is hard.  But today there was no reason.  Yes, I have a list of things to do, but my son needed me.  I realized that I don’t want to teach him that his needs aren’t important to me so I took the time to cuddle with him.  It made for a much smoother morning as well.

Today I am grateful for the endless chances life gives us.  How many times have we heard that the universe isn’t impatient, we are?  I’ve realized that I need to be patient with the process as I integrate the lessons.  I’ve taken things at surface, I’ve gotten an idea of what I want but I haven’t really changed.  The intent is there, but the faith and work is still lacking a bit.  So today, as I think again about the life I’m envisioning, I’m so grateful that I still have the opportunity to make things happen.  As long as I have those chances, I will not take it for granted. 

Today I am grateful to feel my way into trusting myself.  I have to remind myself of this every day and practice this every day.  I don’t know why it’s something that we struggle with even if we can talk about it with others, even if we know in our souls that we have to trust ourselves.  Regardless, I’m grateful to be given the opportunity to try again every day.  Bit by bit the confidence builds until it is a legitimate foundation that we can stand on.  I’m grateful to build my foundation.

Today I am grateful to learn.  I’ve been taking some time to look at other people’s stories and it’s so interesting to learn about how people navigate life.  It’s fascinating to me to see  how people interpret what happens to them and they either use it to learn and grown stronger…or they shrink.  Maybe we do both.  I know in my life I’ve had opportunities to do both.  I know I’ve stepped down when I shouldn’t have and I’ve boasted when I shouldn’t have.  But what I’m grateful to learn is that there was no right or wrong with it.  We live to the best of our abilities and one person’s way isn’t more right than another’s—it’s just what works for them.  I’m grateful to know that my lessons are for me and that it’s all ok. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead 

There is a fable about a farmer.  This farmer is so concerned about the growth of his crop that he goes out at night and starts pulling on the shoots of the plants to make sure they grow.  What happens?  Well, one of two things: either the plants die or no growth can happen because they aren’t left alone to do what they need to do.  I recognize that in many ways I’ve been pulling the shoots in my own life.  I’ve been so driven and focused on the destination that I haven’t taken the time to allow growth or to adapt to what I need to do in order to get to that destination. I run around day in and day out doing and doing and doing and not allowing.  This isn’t to say that doing is a bad thing but when we push and clutter and constantly change the direction thinking we are getting closer, we are really delaying the natural course.

I’m working on multiple projects and I’m excited about each one.  But it’s been a constant juggling act just to get through the day.  I wrote a piece a few months ago about keeping all of the plates spinning at once.  It makes life more like an impossible circus rather than actually moving anything forward.  I’m learning to gently put the plates down and work on one thing at a time.  That is where growth is.  We learn the lessons from the event and then we apply it to the next one, learning more and layering those lessons on until we are able to see the big picture. We can’t learn if we keep digging up what we’ve planted.  Rushing the process won’t make it happen any faster.  There is timing for everything.

I mentioned in the piece yesterday about the signs to surrender, letting the universe to catch up.  I realized that so much of what I was doing was still about proving worth, but it wasn’t from other people: it was about the universe validating me as well.  I realized how silly that was.  If there is inherent worth in each of us as I truly believe, then why would the universe need to “reward” me for what I’ve been doing?  The universe will get me where I need to be as long as I’ve set the course and done the work.  And some days the work means relaxing and playing with my kid.  Some days it looks like taking in critical feedback.  Some days it looks like the same story telling me I’ve done enough (because you have to hear it seven times seven different ways to get it).  And yes, some days it means waking up at 4AM in order to get some work done on my side projects.  But it never means rushing the process.  If we rush through it all we end up dead.  We don’t need to race through our lives.

So yes, I’m admitting I’ve been the farmer.  I’ve been impatient and fearful and I’ve been over checking and controlling the result I’ve been looking for.  I’ve been strangling the results of what I’m looking for because I haven’t trusted that it’s coming.  I haven’t trusted that I’ve done enough to “earn” it.  That energy is impossible to keep up and it’s equally impossible to allow for the support I’ve needed to enter in my life because I keep telling the universe, “I’ve got this” when, in reality, I don’t have it.  I’ve still been forceful and telling the universe that it has to go my way.  Yes, I thought I was being helpful and being responsible by doing my part when really I was controlling the outcome.  So now I can ask myself if I’m being the farmer again when I see things not happening.  I encourage you to ask yourself the same.       

We all have days when we simply feel like we are running on empty.  Nothing we do is enough and it feels like we are choking on next steps and a list of things to do that never ends.  It feels like there is no praise, no result that will come from all of the effort and we find ourselves asking why we do it and why we aren’t enough to yield the results we’ve been working for.  Life has a tendency to pile things and then suddenly release the pressure. I drew my cards today and they were all about having faith.  Specifically things like, “all that I love is more important than all that I fear” and “the more energy and intention I bring to my faith the more fearless and free I am.”  As fate would have it, I also saw a snippet within seconds (also from Gabby Bernstein) about needing to surrender because all of the doing gets in the way of allowing things to catch up.  No amount of doing is going to speed up the process, you have to stop because in the mind, you’re miles ahead of where you’re at.

Sometimes when you feel at your lowest, the universe sends you signs through people, cards, animals, whatever it may be, that in reality, you are doing just fine.  The pressure is coming from YOU.  That was my reminder that all the pressure I’ve been facing came from me.  I’ve never kept it secret that I have high expectations of myself, but in the past two days I’ve heard from two separate people in two separate instances that I put too much pressure on myself.  One of these people is my boss and she spoke to me about this during my annual review.  She even went so far as to say that those expectations are what’s keeping me from greatness.  This one shocked me because she has such high expectations for herself, I never considered she saw what I was going through to keep up.  As fate would have it, I met with my mentor earlier this week and she said something similar…that’s what gets the wheels turning.      

It’s about progress, not perfection.  I’ve heard this multiple times in my life and maybe my need to do is my way of proving I’ve earned whatever is coming my way.  I have a long history of childhood need to prove and that has followed into adulthood.  I’ve never stopped to consider that I don’t need to prove to the universe either.  I know, it’s confusing.  I speak about inherent worth, but like the true Type A that I am, I never really believed it about myself.  I kept the pressure on to always BE ON.  I over-checked and over-thought and over-prepared and over everything in order to make sure that nothing was amiss.  I wanted to make sure everything was exactly as it should be and no one needed to worry because I got it thank you very much.  But that is impossible to maintain for a long time because—LIFE. 

I’m seeing more and more how life is simply enough.  I’ve been so worried about doing well that I haven’t been doing at all.  I’ve been spinning and I’ve been missing out on what’s in front of me.  It’s amazing how we keep coming back to the same lessons, isn’t it?  Are we that stubborn so we hold on to the familiar patterns?  Or are we that naïve to believe we really let go when we haven’t?  Maybe it’s both.  Either way, the universe always keeps us in check.  So for today, bring in the scattered energies and simply relax.  Focus on one thing at a time and allow the results to unfold.  You are enough just as I am.  There is no need to prove today, there is no need to push.  Simply be.  You aren’t being lazy, you’re allowing the universe to do what it needs to do in order to catch up.  Have some fun and enjoy.

I’m the kind of person who wants to do it all.  It started as a compulsive need to prove to others that I was capable because I was tired of my height being the first thing people commented on.  Slowly I noticed that it was a compulsive need to prove to myself that I could do things.  Then it became an inability to decide on one thing I wanted to do.  So I try to do it all.  I know I’m capable but the follow through is terrible.  That’s what happens when you can’t focus on one thing long enough to finish it. 

For a long time it felt like things were falling apart because life was a big chaotic mess of started projects, half-finished projects, things I wanted to do, and things I felt I should be doing.  It made me feel like crap.  I had no sense of prioritization so when things didn’t get done, I took it as a personal failure.  And I will admit, part of it was a failure because I didn’t know how to set the boundaries or prioritize what I needed to do.  But that is a lesson learned. 

As life took a tumble again the last few weeks, I felt like I hit rock bottom.  My sister’s judgements of my life choices ringing in my ears and not having help finding solutions really took a toll on me.  I knew I had to shift that because I’m trying to stay away from victim/martyr behavior.  I realized I got myself into this situation because I had been trying to do too much.  I hadn’t been clearly focused on one thing to get it done so it felt like the whole world was turned over.  That’s when I felt something shift.

I have been waiting so long for the pieces to come together and it felt more like they were all falling apart.  It felt like a puzzle left incomplete or like the box of pieces was falling and I was trying to catch it.  But maybe it isn’t falling apart.  Maybe all the pieces need to come out of the box and be flipped over so I can see them and create the big picture.  That is when it can all come together.  I cursed myself for having my feet in too many arenas, and yes, it does have it’s challenges, but there is a lot I can do.

I’m a huge proponent about mindset.  I spent many years feeling like crap, feeling like a doormat, feeling like every negative thing that came my way was because I somehow failed and deserved it.  I took every negative thing as a punishment for something I did wrong.  That culminated in self-harm in more ways than just physical and it was lasting.  It has taken years to get to the point where I understand that it isn’t universal punishment—it is self-punishment and we carry that from generations before us.  I was taught to hate myself for everything I’m not rather than celebrate everything I am.  Any time things didn’t go as planned, it was a reflection on my worth.  I finally had to understand that it actually had everything to do with my view rather than my actions. 

I know now that my worth truly does come from within.  It isn’t about doing enough, being enough, achieving enough for someone else.  It’s about being comfortable in my own skin and knowing my actions and my path is mine alone—and how well I walk it.  That isn’t to say that I don’t get thrown for a loop fairly often.  Taking nearly four decades of belief and changing it overnight is really hard.  So we make turns, one step at a time, and we talk differently to ourselves one word at a time.  Other people’s words and opinions can still feel like grenades on our fragile shell and no, that doesn’t make it about ego.  That makes it about a foundation you’re trying to create and it hasn’t set yet.  Patience is key.  It’s an odd mix of boundaries, flexibility, acceptance, and change.  It’s neurally overwhelming for a brain that has a negative track.    

Pivoting is also about changing those long-term beliefs.  We are sold a pack of lies from the time we are born.  Our beautiful intuition and knowing are replaced with a story of greatness about what happens when we give up our desires and what we know we are meant to do to feed the machine of consumerism.  And when that story doesn’t play out as we are told, we are made to believe it is our fault.  My friends, that is NOT true.  Learning how to adjust the mindset is key.  The sooner we can go from what we think should be to knowing what is happening, the smaller the gap is.  Life plays out in unexpected ways, in things we have no control over.  Whether it is a sudden change or a deciding to work on a long term belief, we can decide what that means.     

It’s also about those sudden shifts we have no control over.  There are so many lessons that come when things don’t go how we think they will.  I’m not saying it doesn’t feel like getting smacked upside the head or that it doesn’t take your breath away.  I mean, the need to pivot is almost always unexpected so it is sure to pull the rug out from under you.  But there is something we need to learn: Life doesn’t go as planned, it goes as it is meant to. The trick is learning to be the pivot.  Rigidity causes stress and fractures as we try to steadfastly stick with what we know.  But the pivot, the change that leans and dances as things come our way won’t break us.