Faith and Control

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There is a fable about a farmer.  This farmer is so concerned about the growth of his crop that he goes out at night and starts pulling on the shoots of the plants to make sure they grow.  What happens?  Well, one of two things: either the plants die or no growth can happen because they aren’t left alone to do what they need to do.  I recognize that in many ways I’ve been pulling the shoots in my own life.  I’ve been so driven and focused on the destination that I haven’t taken the time to allow growth or to adapt to what I need to do in order to get to that destination. I run around day in and day out doing and doing and doing and not allowing.  This isn’t to say that doing is a bad thing but when we push and clutter and constantly change the direction thinking we are getting closer, we are really delaying the natural course.

I’m working on multiple projects and I’m excited about each one.  But it’s been a constant juggling act just to get through the day.  I wrote a piece a few months ago about keeping all of the plates spinning at once.  It makes life more like an impossible circus rather than actually moving anything forward.  I’m learning to gently put the plates down and work on one thing at a time.  That is where growth is.  We learn the lessons from the event and then we apply it to the next one, learning more and layering those lessons on until we are able to see the big picture. We can’t learn if we keep digging up what we’ve planted.  Rushing the process won’t make it happen any faster.  There is timing for everything.

I mentioned in the piece yesterday about the signs to surrender, letting the universe to catch up.  I realized that so much of what I was doing was still about proving worth, but it wasn’t from other people: it was about the universe validating me as well.  I realized how silly that was.  If there is inherent worth in each of us as I truly believe, then why would the universe need to “reward” me for what I’ve been doing?  The universe will get me where I need to be as long as I’ve set the course and done the work.  And some days the work means relaxing and playing with my kid.  Some days it looks like taking in critical feedback.  Some days it looks like the same story telling me I’ve done enough (because you have to hear it seven times seven different ways to get it).  And yes, some days it means waking up at 4AM in order to get some work done on my side projects.  But it never means rushing the process.  If we rush through it all we end up dead.  We don’t need to race through our lives.

So yes, I’m admitting I’ve been the farmer.  I’ve been impatient and fearful and I’ve been over checking and controlling the result I’ve been looking for.  I’ve been strangling the results of what I’m looking for because I haven’t trusted that it’s coming.  I haven’t trusted that I’ve done enough to “earn” it.  That energy is impossible to keep up and it’s equally impossible to allow for the support I’ve needed to enter in my life because I keep telling the universe, “I’ve got this” when, in reality, I don’t have it.  I’ve still been forceful and telling the universe that it has to go my way.  Yes, I thought I was being helpful and being responsible by doing my part when really I was controlling the outcome.  So now I can ask myself if I’m being the farmer again when I see things not happening.  I encourage you to ask yourself the same.       

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