Good Intentions

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I’m the kind of person who wants to do it all.  It started as a compulsive need to prove to others that I was capable because I was tired of my height being the first thing people commented on.  Slowly I noticed that it was a compulsive need to prove to myself that I could do things.  Then it became an inability to decide on one thing I wanted to do.  So I try to do it all.  I know I’m capable but the follow through is terrible.  That’s what happens when you can’t focus on one thing long enough to finish it. 

For a long time it felt like things were falling apart because life was a big chaotic mess of started projects, half-finished projects, things I wanted to do, and things I felt I should be doing.  It made me feel like crap.  I had no sense of prioritization so when things didn’t get done, I took it as a personal failure.  And I will admit, part of it was a failure because I didn’t know how to set the boundaries or prioritize what I needed to do.  But that is a lesson learned. 

As life took a tumble again the last few weeks, I felt like I hit rock bottom.  My sister’s judgements of my life choices ringing in my ears and not having help finding solutions really took a toll on me.  I knew I had to shift that because I’m trying to stay away from victim/martyr behavior.  I realized I got myself into this situation because I had been trying to do too much.  I hadn’t been clearly focused on one thing to get it done so it felt like the whole world was turned over.  That’s when I felt something shift.

I have been waiting so long for the pieces to come together and it felt more like they were all falling apart.  It felt like a puzzle left incomplete or like the box of pieces was falling and I was trying to catch it.  But maybe it isn’t falling apart.  Maybe all the pieces need to come out of the box and be flipped over so I can see them and create the big picture.  That is when it can all come together.  I cursed myself for having my feet in too many arenas, and yes, it does have it’s challenges, but there is a lot I can do.

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