I’m the kind of person who wants to do it all. It started as a compulsive need to prove to others that I was capable because I was tired of my height being the first thing people commented on. Slowly I noticed that it was a compulsive need to prove to myself that I could do things. Then it became an inability to decide on one thing I wanted to do. So I try to do it all. I know I’m capable but the follow through is terrible. That’s what happens when you can’t focus on one thing long enough to finish it.
For a long time it felt like things were falling apart because life was a big chaotic mess of started projects, half-finished projects, things I wanted to do, and things I felt I should be doing. It made me feel like crap. I had no sense of prioritization so when things didn’t get done, I took it as a personal failure. And I will admit, part of it was a failure because I didn’t know how to set the boundaries or prioritize what I needed to do. But that is a lesson learned.
As life took a tumble again the last few weeks, I felt like I hit rock bottom. My sister’s judgements of my life choices ringing in my ears and not having help finding solutions really took a toll on me. I knew I had to shift that because I’m trying to stay away from victim/martyr behavior. I realized I got myself into this situation because I had been trying to do too much. I hadn’t been clearly focused on one thing to get it done so it felt like the whole world was turned over. That’s when I felt something shift.
I have been waiting so long for the pieces to come together and it felt more like they were all falling apart. It felt like a puzzle left incomplete or like the box of pieces was falling and I was trying to catch it. But maybe it isn’t falling apart. Maybe all the pieces need to come out of the box and be flipped over so I can see them and create the big picture. That is when it can all come together. I cursed myself for having my feet in too many arenas, and yes, it does have it’s challenges, but there is a lot I can do.