“You’ve got to take your shot.  You have to live on the edge of your capability.  You’ve got to live where you’re almost certain you’re going to fail.  That’s the reason for practice.  Practice is controlled failure.  Getting to your limit, getting to your limit.  You can’t lift that.  You can’t do that.  Until you get to the point you CAN,”  Via sportscenter. On the heels of yesterday’s conversation, I found this quote.  It’s a beautiful reminder that we need to keep pushing to experience growth.  It’s never comfortable to learn something on the other side of who we are.  But if there is something calling you, then you need to answer.  We can do so much more than we think we can.  We CAN have a positive impact on people.  We can change people’s lives.  We can change how they view life.

Start with how we view ourselves.  If we see limits, if we see obstacles, if we see the course we are supposed to follow and only go that route, we will never break out of the rut we create.  We will live the same day for our entire lives and wonder what happened in the end.  We will wonder what we missed out on through having done what we were told we were supposed to do.  Sometimes the revolution starts in our mind.  It starts with the thought, “does it really have to be this way?”  We see how we got here, and we know it doesn’t feel right, that there is something more.  We know.  There is more outside of what we are told this life is.  That’s when we wonder if we have been aiming for the wrong thing.  We can take the shot for something else.  We pivot and take aim for something new.         

This is why it is SO important to find who we are.  This is why it is so important to love who we are.  This is why it is so important to be authentic.  Not the false bravado of who we are supposed to be, but the real person inside underneath what we are told to do.  We have this knowing and we are trained to ignore it in favor of what we are told is safe and predictable.  People, we can lose anything at any time because NOTHING in this world is guaranteed.  The only thing we have is now.  As we feel that pull, that calling, the heat and fire build within us until we ignite like a flame and that light becomes so bright, it ignites those around us as well.  It isn’t selfish.  It isn’t weird to not fit in—we were never designed to fit in.  We were only designed to be who we are and we feel lost and hopeless when we feel the split between who we are and who they tell us to be.  Reconcile that so you always know the difference.

Build your confidence through small steps toward who you are.  Get comfortable in that new skin and trying those new things.  The more comfortable you are in that person, in that version of yourself, the more natural it feels.  It takes practice, truly.  I’ve been talking about it for years.  I’ve gone back and forth, close to the edge of fully diving in and then running away.  But I will tell you nothing feels better than actively being the person I am meant to be.  There is nothing to wear, no armor against people’s opinions, no shields against judgement.  That will happen no matter what you do so put down the extra weight and simply wear the shield of being who you are—nothing else matters.  Take your shot and allow the greatness that is you to flow through.  One day you won’t be talking about it, you will be living it because suddenly, after all the work and practice, you CAN.

I’ve always been afraid if I didn’t take life seriously I wouldn’t get anywhere.  I’ve always been self-conscious about my height because that is the first thing people see and that is the first thing they make their judgement on.  I’ve literally been told, “You look like a little business woman” by people in my field.  I am almost 40 years old.  I am exhausted trying to make people see me for who I am or to have a certain perception of me so I can feel good about myself.  It has sucked the joy out of my life.  But with this time off, I’ve realized I can literally experience joy and happiness right now.  Have fun now.  Love now.  Cuddle my son now.  Time moves fast enough and waiting for joy or being serious hoping to find joy later only puts life on pause now. 

This week has been joyous, and blessedly, divinely slow.  Time has slowed down.  It feels delicious.  This is what I’ve envisioned forever—the days spent in happiness, experiencing what time has to offer while guiding the ship.  Taking control of our (my family’s) day instead of waiting for life to happen has made things happen.  I used to seek comfort at all costs—do I know I need to seek do-ing.  That is where living is.  Actually experiencing life.  It’s in the doing.  And that slows time too.  All we have is now so fuck anyone’s opinion on who you are or how you life your life. 

Be joyous NOW.  Anyone who stops you is lacking in some way.  Don’t waste a second waiting for things to get better—figure out how to make them better through what works for you.  Put life in your da.  Love in your day.  Joy in your day because not feeling those things drains the life right out of you.  I’ve lived my life literally on my toes because of how many people hated my joy or expected me to be a certain way.  Calling me a bimbo or saying I’m too loud. None of those people were there at my lowest, they didn’t see the blood welling on my wrists and I still wasn’t good enough for them whether at the bottom or the top.  They didn’t like me when I hated myself either. 

As a child I learned people liking you was the only way you were worthy.  But they hated me at either end of the spectrum, either joyful or depressed.  That is what happens when you look for outside validation—your happiness is predicated on other people’s perceptions and if they are miserable, no matter what you do will never be enough.  Your joy/my joy triggers their lack of it so they lash out and tell you how you should really be.  The truth is, I’ve always loved life.  I only got serious because of how people perceived me and I thought I needed their permission to live.  That is years wasted in misery, all hoping someone would like me.  Now I just want what brings me happiness. Not things but moments that I feel joy.  Dancing with my son, writing, crafting, reading, building, creating, learning, hanging out with our animals, going to the park or the pool, seeing my son experience things for the first time.

I woke up knowing that is the healing work I have to do for myself as well.  I need to relish those experiences as well and not be ashamed.  I am allowed to experience love and life.   And that is the healing work I have to do for myself as well: stop making my son be a little version of me, also “perfect” to an adults perception and quiet and praised for how well he listens.  I can stop making him behave a certain way, stop choking the fun out of him (the same thing that happened to me) and let him have his experiences, his joy.  That is the child I need to heal—him and me. 

Bottom line, living as I have been brings me little joy.  Filling my day with bullshit at working, waiting for praise, basing my worth on praise, buying things I think will make me happy because it gives me a sense of control, never savoring the moment to really experience it, always rushing through it, always living surface to check off the experience rather than really diving into it (ie, glossing through books rather than learning and applying the lesson).  I’ve been buying things to feel joy instead of DOING what brings me joy.  We can’t buy happiness, especially if we are lacking something.  I’ve been waiting for the right time or the right place to feel joy.  Wearing a façade wherever I go.  I’m ready to actually live—my way, my purpose.  As I am meant to—joyfully and LOUD and honest.  Fully who I am.  Living on my heels, grounded in ME over on my toes, hopping to the next thing for someone else.

    “Get honest with people about who you are, what you want, and how you expect to be treated.  Standards only scare off people not meant for you,” Via sisgetyourshittogether.  There comes a time when patterns repeat for too long and you know you have no choice but to make a different decision.  I’ve reached such a point in my life on several things, mainly about how I deal with fear.  We all logically know that we can’t change how people behave or what they decide to do-that has to come from them.  When people show you who they are repeatedly, believe them.  There are certain behaviors that simply waste time and energy and if there are other things you need to do with your life, you can’t stay stuck in the cycle of someone else’s nonsense.

With that being said, you can’t stay stuck in the cycle of your own nonsense either.  If you constantly violate and betray our own standards and boundaries, you won’t be clear in what you want, either.  You won’t be clear in intention and purpose and you’ll constantly fold.  Ultimately that becomes a betrayal to yourself because you’re not living up to the potential and life you may have envisioned for yourself.  That turns into not fulfilling your purpose.  Looking for things to satisfy us externally doesn’t work.  Looking for external validation doesn’t work.  Honesty and authenticity are the drivers to find who we are and what we need to do. 

My version of nonsense is the fear that I mentioned earlier.  It stops me from doing what I need to do, it stops me from doing what I want to do, it creates guilt around doing what I want to do, and it creates anxiety about making the decision about what to do.  I have a certain pattern I fall into when I feel stressed or when I’m trying to change something and it’s that I go through a phase where I think a certain thing will make me happy or a certain book will hold the answer or buying something to organize my life will “fix” me.  I impulse buy and then feel guilty when I figure out what I actually wanted to do was an experience rather than buying things.  Now, some of the things I’ve done impulsively have actually worked out quite well.  Others I think would have gone better had I committed fully.  Some have been mistakes—I’m human.  But the common thing in all the impulse is that it was in response to fear and I felt like I could make a decision in that moment rather than just sit on it.

So reconciling that fear means pausing long enough to understand what I’m really looking for instead of jumping in the moment.  If that moment calls for me to jump, then that is what I should do, but I can no longer jump simply because I need to move my body.  I’m satisfying an itch that isn’t really there.  Fear and excitement and nervousness are all closely linked when it comes to what the body feels.  So if we can literally move through that feeling, we can better identify what our need is in that moment.  The more we get used to doing that the better able we are to get clear on who we are, what we want, what we need, what we are meant to do, and yes, how we expect to be treated.    

The beauty of honesty is knowing that we are finally aligned with our purpose and ourselves.  We can start at any time.  We just have to be willing to really hear it and let go of what we know in order to allow what is meant for us.  That helps us keep our boundaries when it comes to our own habits and even more so when it comes to how people treat us and what we will or will not tolerate in any kind of relationship.  I don’t profess this is easy, but promise it is worth it.  I’m proud of the work I’ve done in recognizing these things about myself and I look forward to moving on to the next level. 

I mentioned earlier in the week that we brought home a rabbit and I need to elaborate on the significance of that for me.  First of all, I’ve always loved rabbits.  I’m a total geek for the cute little fuzzies and I’ve had small rodents my entire life (guinea pigs, hamsters, chinchillas).  One of my sisters had a rabbit when I was a kid and I always wanted one of my own.  My husband and I actually were looking for a bunny after we got married when we ended up rescuing chinchillas so we never had a rabbit in the house.  Second, when I was roughly 10 years old, I was spending time with my oldest sister and she drew my Medicine Cards for me and a rabbit is part of my totem.  At 10, I had a connection with the animal but I didn’t understand the significance of the positioning in this totem.  Now that so many years have passed, I know that this medicine is absolutely part of who I am. Third, this bunny in particular was absolutely meant to be in our lives.  In my gratitude post, I mentioned we had seen him a while back and I’m talking like six months back.  He was still there.  I feel terrible I didn’t take him then.

The universe has ways of connecting us to the medicine we need and it has ways of connecting us to the parts of who we are that need healing or that we simply need reminding ARE a part of us.  The day before we brought the rabbit home, I had been at my sister’s house and they also have a bunny.  During that visit (for my niece’s birthday celebration), I found myself overwhelmed.  My sister had been upstairs with the kids and right as I was getting really uncomfortable she came down and said the rabbit got under her dresser and she couldn’t get him (her dresser is in his little running area—he can’t get hurt and he wasn’t totally loose).  I went upstairs alone and went into the room.  He was out from under the dresser by the time I got in there but he didn’t run from me.  I walked in his pen and picked him up.  He had been running from the littles and was still nervous when my sister was there, but as I sat alone with the bunny, he completely relaxed in my arms. And so did I. 

I connected with this animal and felt his breathing and heart rate slow as I pet him and comforted him as best I could.  He comforted me as well.  The tension I felt a few minutes earlier evaporated as I connected with this bunny.  My breathing and heart rate slowed as well and we just chilled there for a while.  I realized that the tension I was feeling was brought on by myself.  I didn’t share that story with anyone.  But the very next day, my husband drove out to the animal place we know and we found this rabbit still there.  He was totally meant to be with me.  Normally I have huge anxiety when it comes to bringing in animals to my house—and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t go back and forth about the bunny (it took us over two hours to decide if we were going to bring him home)—but once the decision was made, I felt zero anxiety or nerves.  We welcomed this big guy in and he will be safe with us.  Just as I created my own safety, he reminds me that fearful things/creatures can be brave as well.  He is my medicine. 

 I have a really short note about something I saw the other day.  I watched a movie recently with a highly organized, slightly uptight, single woman went on a trip and she had a moment of joy so pure she started howling with excitement.  She took a chance on something she thought was really risky and dangerous and ended up feeling release and joy in what she was doing.  It was guttural and uncontrollable—a moment of complete connection to where she was at and feeling alive doing something unexpected and new.  The howl is a connection to our completeness of who we are.  it is being entirely alive in the moment, the adrenaline running and the absolute clarity of presence.  When I saw the scene, I immediately wanted that feeling.  Similar to “finding your golf,” I want to find that level of clarity and aliveness.

The howl represented a release of everything she thought she had to control.  I want that level of awakening.  In the end, she still didn’t get what she thought she needed, she got what she actually needed.  Things don’t always go according to plan.  They don’t always turn out how we think they should.  But if we can awaken and allow the presence of the moment to flow through us, we can find that connection to what we need and things will actually be how they are meant to be.  So in addition to finding that thing that brings joy, I also want to find that thing that makes me come alive.  We all need that thing that makes us come alive.  That makes us howl.

Today I am grateful for time.  I’ve spent the last week at home with my family and it has been the most amazing, fulfilling week I’ve had in a LONG time.  I knew I needed time off to detach from what was happening at work and a few other places outside the home, but I don’t think I realized the extent I needed it.  I have done more in the last 9 days to reconnect with my family in ways I actually wanted to (not just in ways that time allows) that have opened doors to what I’m looking for in my life.  I have long questioned how I spend my time and I have long known that what I do the majority of most days isn’t it for me.  Having it confirmed and starting to consider new options has felt amazing.  Not only have I reconnected with the people I love, I have reconnected with myself in ways I simply haven’t had time for.  Now I know without a shadow of a doubt that those are the things I need to make a priority.  Fully, completely, without shame, without guilt—that is what is needed.

Today I am grateful for healing.  I’ve been working on healing for months and have shared much of that journey here, but what I am most grateful for after this week was the actual action of healing instead of THINKING about it.  Putting in the time and trying new things, practicing things, connecting and finding the pieces of myself that needed the healing rather than all the pieces around it.  I still have more work to do, but the leas I’ve made over the last few days have slowed the constant spinning vortex of chaotic thoughts and misdirected/multi-directed goals.  I feel like a 100 pound weight has been lifted off of me.

Today I am grateful for experiences.  We all know on an intellectual level that we need to experience life.  What that means IS different to everyone because we all have different goals, interests, and passions/purposes.  When we get stuck in the same routine day after day (like we are told is normal) we lose sight of those moments that bring life back in.  Having the same experience day after day isn’t living—it’s repeating.  This past week has been filled with hundreds of experiences I wouldn’t have gotten to do normally because of work and other commitments during the week, time spent commuting, Experience reframes the mind and opens doors to opportunities we may not have considered/seen without going through it.

Today I am grateful for reminders of who I am.  Years ago I saw a movie that touched me to the core.  The movie is about a man who lives cautiously because he feels the burden of caring for everyone in his family but he spends most of his days in a fantasy world.  He is never fully present where he is because he wants to be somewhere else.  He envisions a completely different life for himself until one day he actually has to go DO the things he was fantasizing about.  In doing those things, his entire life opens up.  He sees the difference between living and dreaming and sees that playing it safe isn’t always safe—that security can go away in a blink.  That moving happened to be on during this time off and I was instantly reminded that I need to find those things that make me come alive.  It’s also appropriate after the “Find Your Golf” piece I wrote—all the puzzle pieces are falling into place. 

Today I am grateful for understanding the priority.  I’ve spent all of this time trying to fit in the life I wanted when I needed to make that life number one.  I carried so much anger and resentment about the things I thought I needed to do when all I needed to do was shift priority and really question what it was I wanted.  Those are the things that matter.  I wrote the other day about not needing permission and learning how to approach a new week going back to the same place without permission will be a test.  But I feel better about it because I know I will be able to redirect that focus.  All of this is temporary and things change all the time.  I can direct that change (within reason) and it is time to do so without questioning it.  The door is open—I can choose differently.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I’m working through a book right now to help re-establish/re-gain some self-acceptance on this journey of healing and learning who I am.  It’s called You Matter: Learning to Love Who You Really Are by Matthew Emerzian.  I’m early in the book but one of the first exercises is to identify a thing you thought about yourself in a negative way whether it’s your weight, your nose, a behavior etc.  Emerzian instructs you to write a letter or a poem to that part describing how in love you are with it.  I definitely believe in positive mind shift and changing the story we tell ourselves, especially about ourselves so I gave it a shot.

As I began writing, I realized how difficult this task was.  It sounded so simple: I love to write and I am absolutely ready to heal these perceptions of myself.  When I initially sat down, the first thought that went through my head was what part do I write to?  Immediately I began to judge that thought because I’ve been entirely focused on accepting myself and I found not so far beneath the surface all of the old self-hatred.  I’m proud I recognized that part of myself still exists because that is something fixable as well—it’s another reminder to shift perspective.  It’s amazing how we can spend so much time working on who we are but we continue to allow the outside influences to skew our focus.  The ”healed” is still raw. 

After that moment, I began working through one of my biggest obstacles: my own mindset.  Here is what I wrote: Dear Brain, Your indecisiveness and fear-mongering were an absolute hindrance to me.  But I know you were doing your best to keep me safe—and it did work.  It made me strong enough to see the weak spots, recognize the sure things, and become a cheerleader for those who needed it.  we are working together now to cheer on my life.  You have the ability to heal and redirect and create.  You KNOW what I need and you show me the way.  I can use those feelings and intuition and connection to the universe to find me. To BE me.  To hear the answers I’ve been looking for.  Thank you for always trying to be heard.  For not giving up.  Now it’s time to work on my dreams.  You can shift and focus and do this.  You are so capable.  You are going to do this.  The answers are clear and so are the steps.  You can quiet down now to hear the soul.  You’ve done your job—thank you.  Thank you for guiding me.  We are one.  Welcome life.  Find my howl.  Give up what I thought was safe and embrace what I want to do.  Howl. Love.  Express. Share. Release all fear, all expectations.  Live.  It’s ok.  It’s safe.  I can be free—both revered and ravaged.  With joy and experience and love.  Release control. Try something new.

No, it isn’t pretty, but it’s a great step.  I didn’t get the resolution I hoped for upon reading the assignment, but I felt amazing nonetheless.  I personally love having the understanding that our brain does the best it can with what it knows and it will do some amazing things to protect itself.  What I wrote above is barely scratching the surface of what my brain has done, but honoring the fear is a great first step.  Next comes the origin of it to really heal that—at least that’s the next step in my mind.  Regardless, the point is profound: we have to learn to love and accept all parts of ourselves in order to love ourselves.  We have to create a different relationship with those things we thought were negatives and what a great way to shift perspective by looking at what those negatives have done for us.  Assigning a positive or negative label to something is so subjective and we can remove that by looking at what is.  It’s so easy to overlook what we’ve accomplished so these letters are a fantastic way to remember that. 

Based on my experience of this I do want to recommend that you don’t go through the list of all the things you have stored animosity about toward yourself.  I literally had to pull myself off the edge of self-hatred for a moment because I started sorting the “worst” thing about me.  I had to stop the list.  I would suggest if you struggle with many different facets in your life, take the time to write to each and every thing that’s on your mind.  Each of them.  Until you can recreate that view point, learn to not drown in it.  Overall it’s a hugely positive experience and I highly recommend the action.    

I’ve spent my life carrying the weight of other’s expectations.  Jumping through hoops, finding the little things that make them happy, pivoting/cancelling my plans to accommodate their needs.  Always reading the room to make sure everyone was happy and had what they needed to be comfortable.  No one returned the favor.  I would walk on egg shells until I made sure no one was mad at me and that they saw the effort to make them happy.  What I thought would endear me to people only led to expectations and when I couldn’t keep up with them, they shut me out and expressed their disappointment in me.  They were also the last people I could count on when I needed them. 

The more I saw myself behaving this way in multiple arenas (friends/family/work/meeting new people etc.), the more I realized that this pattern flat out sucks.  It hurts me and it depletes everything I am.  I could bleed for these people and they wouldn’t give a shit let alone lift a finger to help if I needed them.  Before I go further, I want to caveat that there were 10000% people who were there for me and who helped me—I’m not trying to martyr myself.  But the people I hoped to be there for me often were not the ones I could rely on.  Which emphasizes the point about my own expectations of others.  Having expectations of others whether it is a certain behavior, any kind of reciprocity, or any kind of reaction is a set up for failure.  All we have control over is ourselves and in those situations, it’s vital to recognize when things simply won’t change. 

Then there are the people who feel so miserable within themselves that they can’t bear to see someone happy.  They are threatened by other people’s success and operate from a place feeling like other people’s success means less for them.  And there are still others who are simply jealous because they don’t have that vision.  Honestly, whether we know it or not, we’ve all been this person at some point whether it was toward someone else or toward ourselves.  We know what it feels like and we know what it feels like to be on the receiving end as well.  I read a quote the other day that said, “Someone is out there holding their breath waiting for you to fail.  Make sure they suffocate.”  Yes, I know it’s a bit dark, but the point still hits: people who want to see you fail don’t belong in your life.  Put on a show and live up to your own expectations. 

I would rather live up to my own expectations of myself rather than try to make other people feel a certain way—but I know the people who aren’t happy until they see someone fail.  These are the ones who need to get that ego rush from seeing someone fall apart or they have to be the hero who comes in after to fix it.  We all know them.  As I said above, we have to recognize when things won’t change.  We have to know when it is time to put our expectations of ourselves above what we hope to get from someone else because at the end of the day all we have is ourselves to fulfill our goals/purpose.  And to be blunt, I would rather someone else suffocate on their hope that I fail than I suffocate boosting them toward their goal.         

There comes a point when you have to recognize a sinking stone whether it is a job, a particular person, or even yourself.  These things will literally kill you.  Even if it isn’t right away, there will be a time when you realize you’ve gotten so far under that certain opportunities are unrecoverable.  Do not spend your time hoping for things to change in your outside circumstances.  There is never a guarantee that they will change at all and when it comes to other people, there is even less of a chance because there is free will.  When it comes to the expectations you have of yourself, take the time to learn if they are your own or if they belong somewhere else.  Cut away anything that isn’t you.  Allow yourself to float in the reality of who you are and find your direction in your own truth.  Listen to it and keep your head above water.