Today I am grateful for health.  We’ve had some minor illness running through the house but we are feeling pretty good.  We are so fortunate to have the tools we need to take care of ourselves and we have access to nutritious food to help us along the way.  I know it isn’t perfect, but we are really lucky to be able to support our son and make sure he develops a healthy immune system along the way. 

Today I am grateful for steps and communication.  I’m a huge communicator—well, maybe a huge talker.  But this week I learned the importance of communicating and taking steps toward creating the life I want.  That involves being honest and letting people know your intentions and what you need for yourself.  I will add more detail about this later this week but I want to highlight that it is so important to speak your intentions into existence and to be clear about where you’re headed. 

Today I am grateful for making decisions on my own.  I’ve often made decisions around protecting my current life.  I always thought I could take steps toward what I wanted while maintaining what I have until what I want is big enough to sustain the new way of life.  This is true for the most part.  But when it comes to creation, there clarity is important as well as a certain level of faith.  In order to move forward, we have to accept that we don’t know the whole way while also understanding we can’t learn the way or move forward without taking our feet off the current step. I will also speak about this more later this week, but it is important to look at the why behind the decision as well as the what.  Defining those things really defines the goal and it makes the doing much more clear.

Today I am grateful for releasing fear.  In the process of creating a new life fear is bound to come up.  There is the uncertainty I mentioned above as well as the unknown.  The uncertainty I’ve found lingers around whether or not we will be able to do it.  The unknown creates fear around whether or not you can handle what comes because on a new path you have no idea what may come…which creates more uncertainty and fear.  Over the last few days I’ve had the pleasure of taking steps toward the life I want in new ways.  Those steps, while small, were incredibly significant.  I had a lot of fear around one of those steps and it is certainly one that I would never have taken previously.  I’m proud that I took that step and can start working toward clarifying what comes next—I never could have done that before, not without acknowledging this.  It took a lot to let go of that fear but I am so grateful I did.

Today I am grateful for fun.  This weekend, while it doesn’t look like it normally does, was still filled with a lot of fun things.  We were able to spend quality time together, we were able to get a few things for our future endeavors/our business, we were able to see some friends.  So often I look too far ahead and forget where I’m at.  I forget to enjoy what is good about this moment right here.  In this moment I am working, watching my son and husband nap, and I feel completely at ease.  This is peace.  This is contentment.  I am grateful to have created contentment in this moment here. 

Today I am grateful for sacrifice.  There is a lot I want to do right now in this very moment.  Everything from spending money to taking a wild vacation to napping to building a business to cleaning the entire house to selling everything and running away.  But I am so grateful for this moment where I am not doing any of those things.  I’m looking at the long term gain and I know that sacrificing those wants right now will produce something amazing in the end.  Life is short and yes, there are times when we will give in and take what we want now because it’s fleeting and we want to feel joy.  But I am grateful for looking at the long term and asking what serves the purpose of the long term NOW.  I am grateful to know there is something at the end that we both want, something we are both headed for now.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I remember when I was in high school I didn’t eat one day and my mom said, “What did you eat today? 600 calories?” and it made me realize something: she noticed.  She noticed a lot.  She noticed me.  I think I took for granted how much she actually saw.  I operated under the idea I was on my own for a long time when I really didn’t know how to reach out for help.  I had so many failed attempts at professional help and I’m super impatient so I didn’t pursue it and I didn’t trust people to help me get through it.  So when I think of this story in the context of feeling alone, I see how much time I spent by myself when all I had to do was reach out.  I’m still like that (more on that tomorrow).  But this ties into a couple of other things—presence and the impression we make on people. 

Things change quickly. I remember the moment my mother asked me about what I ate like it was yesterday.  But when I look up, I see a very different reality.  I have a husband, my own child, my own house, my own job, grey hair.  My parents are aging and they need help.  I don’t want to continue missing out on the moments I have left with them because I’m not here mentally.  I chose to operate on my own because I didn’t feel I had a lot of people I could rely on to help me and I didn’t want to put additional pressure on my parents.  Taking that behavior into adulthood (coupled with a fear of doing everything wrong), some nasty habits formed.  I’m learning to let those go and choosing to acknowledge it wasn’t people who let me down, it was my expectations and the idea I needed to do it all on my own to prove I was worthy. I was embarrassed to admit I needed help because I didn’t think I deserved it.  My mom was there the entire time.  She saw everything I tried to hide.

People see more than we give them credit for.  Our reactions, our demeanor, our habits, our practices, our beliefs all become who we are and it is all part of the image we project to the world.  I said above my mother saw everything I tried to hide because she did.  I took her experience and awareness for granted.  Because I projected such a strong façade of being able to do it on my own, she didn’t know how to step in.  This applies to everyone around us–our friends, co-workers, our children.  They all see what we do and they form an impression of who we are so they know how to operate around us.  I have learned so many lessons from the reactions I show my child that I know I need to be stronger and choose my reactions more carefully.  He has picked up on everything and he knows what will upset me and what won’t.  But I don’t want him to live like that.  I don’t want him to grow up carrying the weight of worrying about my reactions on the things he does.  He needs to explore and have fun.  My employees need to be able to come to me with ideas.  I need to be coachable in order to coach.   

The simple truth is that I need to stop projecting the façade and learn to share who I really am with those around me.  Some may not know how to react, but as I said with my child, I can’t base my actions on their potential reactions.  It’s hard and it’s scary because I don’t know how I will be received—no one ever does.  But I see how short life really is and I know the sting of regret.  I don’t want to regret people not knowing the real me.  I don’t want to regret never showing the real me.  I don’t want to regret what a relationship could have looked like because I didn’t break down a wall.  I built up walls with everyone around me, even those closest to me.  It was easier to share these things with complete strangers than it was those closest to me because I didn’t want to lose their approval. But the things I did to maintain my image pushed them further away.  I have to stop pretending I have to do this on my own.  Just because I have a vision doesn’t mean it will turn out exactly as I plan it.  I can soften and bring others into it and maybe it will turn out even better.  They will see me giving a different chance.  That is connection and that is something we all want.  So I begin there.  With accepting myself and learning to accept help. People see that—I can accept them as I accept myself.  I can accept my mother and move on.  She’s looking for the same thing. 

I listened to a meditation from Jay Shetty and he asked what pain we are trying to avoid now.  I learned a lot through this exercise and I thought I would share it.  Most of us don’t think we are avoiding anything simply because we are here right now.  Just because we are physically here doesn’t mean that’s where we actually are.  If our attention is behind us or in front of us, we aren’t here.  The pain I deal with is the pain of loss.  I experienced and witnessed loss at a very young age and didn’t have much context for it because my siblings are quite a bit older than me.  That translated into an intense need for control and a fear of losing everything as well as a compulsive need to keep my nest full at all times and know where everyone and everything is at all times.  So this exercise was really profound and it expanded some thinking.

The pain I’m trying to avoid is the pain of loss.  I’m trying to avoid the pain of things that haven’t even happened yet and I’m essentially putting myself through it every time I think about it.  I’m trying to avoid the pain of the loss of things that I know will happen like the death of my parents, my son eventually moving out, the loss of our animals.  It’s loss I can’t prevent either as it’s a natural thing that happens. I’m consciously trying to change my mindset and understand that I’m building my community and that I have support and I am able to stand o my own two feet.  I can change the routine and work on building myself.  I can trust my intuition and I can take action.

This exercise also required looking at habits and behaviors.  I have a habit of constantly taking things in.  Eating too fast, eating and reading, reading and watching T.V., watching T.V. and keeping an eye on my son, keeping an eye on my kid and trying to play with him while I work, wanting to be a kid, watching time, wasting time.  What if I just chewed?  Just savored?  Instead of trying to consume it all, what I fi just sat with it? Enjoyed it? Experienced it? Relished it?  Felt the fullness of it instead of taking in and hanging on every single second?  One thing at a time?  Just presence…the weight of me in the moment instead of the wait for the next thing? 

I have to learn to love the moment and linger in it, address it now, in the one long now, instead of waiting for the next or wishing for the last.  Presence.  Reality. Awareness.  The achieve it all, do it all mentality—all will get done as it’s supposed to.  I don’t need to play EVERY game.  I’m always 10, 100, 1000 steps ahead and still missing the moment.  Planning the next meal while I’m eating this one.  Planning to satiate myself until the next meal so I won’t starve…I’ve never starved.  Except for starving for the present.  That is the only way to ensure I’m not missing the moment.  Things change so fast.  I want to NOTICE and KNOW them while they happen.  THAT is life.  Not THE moment, but all moments.  The movement, chaos, the build, the love, loss, fun, plans, reality, spontaneity.  That is life.  Right now.   

I’ve been working a side gig for almost a year now (it will be a year in October) and I’ve been relatively lax about it.  I didn’t embody the full belief in it, I allowed outside interference and fear to distract me, and I quite frankly didn’t want to play ball with some of their directives/operations.  As time has passed, however, I’ve heard more and more of the group discuss how they didn’t take it seriously their first few years and it wasn’t until they adopted the beliefs and practices that they saw real success.  I spoke with my mentor the other day and she reiterated her own experience with delaying jumping on board and that’s when it hit me: she said she didn’t take it seriously for her first few years and she’s a major leader on the team now.  I’ve already been doing this for almost a year now and I’m not much further than I was when I started.

Time goes so quickly and I think I’m understanding my fear of time better than I have previously.  See, it’s not just the passage of time that makes me afraid: it’s the passage of time not spent well. If we are doing things we love and get the results we’re looking for, or if we are assured we are on the right path toward our purpose, the time we spend doesn’t feel like a waste.  I realized how much time I’ve wasted doing things I don’t want to do.  I’ve done them out of fear and out of the need for validation and out of the hope that someone would come along and grant my wishes as I struggled to fulfill theirs.  I’ve wasted time betting I would have more or that I would understand later.  I’ve skimmed books I wanted to dive into because I didn’t think I had time.  I avoided going to concerts and venues and associating with people because I didn’t think I would fit in or I didn’t trust my ability to get there.  I’ve lost trust in people thinking I would do it all on my own (and that I could do it on my own) and I’ve invested in the wrong people thinking they would jump on board and help me. 

When time is spent well, we don’t worry about how much time we have.  When time is spent well, we never question if it was worth it or if we are where we want to be.  When time is spent well we know that all will unfold as it’s meant to and we don’t necessarily worry about the return because we know there is a return whether a lesson or the intended result.  So I think about this past year and it feels like a blink.  Most years feel like a blink now.  And I see that I’ve been fighting for the status quo because I felt like it was the safe and responsible thing to do.  But I see now that it really takes a few moments, maybe even one moment, of total abandon and trust to really get what we need.  To really understand where we are meant to be and to follow through on it.  We are given a finite amount of time and we don’t how how much that really is.

So don’t waste another moment doing something that doesn’t take you on the path meant for you.  Even if it takes time to turn around, make sure you’re doing something to pivot a little bit every day.  Do something that takes you closer to your goal every day.  Eventually the overwhelm and regret will fall away and they need to if you are going to focus on what moves you forward.  Move forward.  There is always still time.  But make sure you remember this lesson: time spent doing something that isn’t for you or isn’t fulfilling to you is the waste.  Time spent doing things you love and that direct you toward your purpose is an investment. 

As an appropriate follow up, I just read a piece about thinking of the next disaster and how we bring it about.  See, I always believed I was a relatively positive person.  I can cheerlead and uplift those around me, I have belief that anyone can get through anything even if it’s simply by picking up their boot straps and going,  I know people can create the life they want simply by taking a look at the big picture and breaking it down to small steps.  So why do I fail to follow through with that type of belief for myself?  Why is it that I forget all of the wonderful things I can impart to others but I don’t fully embrace that possibility for myself?  Why do I let one set back or one fear derail my cheerleading for myself?  And this is the point about fear.  I spend more time preparing for disaster that never comes than I do planning for the life I want.

It’s easy to get derailed when life gets chaotic and of course it’s easy to feel the fear of all the terrible things that can happen when we are in the midst of change or when there’s an overwhelming amount of work to do.  But we have to work (I have to work) on training those instincts to see the positive first.  When we focus on the negative all the time, the negative will manifest.  Our exact fear may not manifest, but our dreams will certainly not. 

The bottom line is we can’t run around like Chicken Little thinking the sky is falling when we face a bump in the road.  We can’t dread/forecast the future based on a single obstacle.  We need to elevate and look at the big picture to evaluate what has happened (or what we fear will happen) in order to gain some perspective.  Worst case scenario is even if the disaster we fear takes place, we would begin again.  That’s the bottom line.  If it all falls apart, you’d have to start over anyway.  So remember to take stock of where you’re at and be grateful.  From there you can look at the situation and ask if you need to make any pivots because if things aren’t going on course, you certainly will need to pivot.  And every day make sure you’re looking at the actions you can take to get just a bit closer to your goal. 

The other point is the power of the mind.  When we focus on negativity, we are giving source the opportunity to interpret those thoughts as what we really want.  The focus is so important because when we brace ourselves for the worst at all times, that is the message we send to the universe: that we are expecting the worst to happen.  Don’t allow the fears and disasters in the mind become reality because we pull ourselves out of a rut or because we can’t see the big picture yet.  Take a deep breath and pause and make sure you’re guiding yourself the right way.  Don’t let your message to the universe be one of fear and destruction.  Focus on the good or at the very least focus on the goal. 

If it’s out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too.  There is something about the phrasing of this quote that resonated with me.  There is a lot of weight on the world lately.  Between an apparent loss of morality and loss of respect for each other, wars, pandemic(s), inflation, shrinkflation, people losing interest in functioning through merely existing, and recognizing a need to break and rebuild the systems we believed infallible, the world is full of events that we carry in our own way.  It’s hard to distinguish between what is ours and what isn’t and what we can take action on and what needs to be left alone.  It all feels too big.    

I’ve spoken often about mindset and focusing on closing the gap on the things you can control.  There are things in the world that simply happen—and that is one of the biggest pet peeves I have.  I hate hearing how it’s just life.  I’m the type of person who has forced myself to be so uncomfortable making others comfortable that I know first had the level of control we can have over ourselves.  Just to be clear, I’m NOT advocating for people pleasing on any level let alone at the cost of sense of self, I am merely making the point that we have a remarkable level of self-control when we want to.  In spite of all that, there is a point where we have to let go of things we can’t control because it IS life.

That is the difference: there are natural elements that we can’t control.  Natural disasters, weather, temperature and the like.  We ARE able to control our reactions and behaviors and we are able to develop our self-awareness so we understand how our actions impact others.  The twist to this is we aren’t able to control how other people behave either—one great universal conundrum.  Maybe that is a thought I need to release.  Maybe I will one day, but in an effort to help people along, sometimes we have to look at the behavior and determine how we are going to react to it. 

We have to decide if we are going to tolerate it. We have to decide if we are going to move forward carrying things that don’t belong to us and that we have no say in changing.  We do have a choice.  As a professional “chewer” I know all too well the feeling of taking on things that aren’t mine and never letting them go.  The mental hoarding is exhausting and it only takes up valuable real estate in your mind.  Weigh the pros and cons of keeping something in your head for too long before you decide to indoctrinate it into who you are.  Once it becomes a part of you, it’s harder to let go.  It also does more damage to us than the other person because they are free of it while we repeat and bear the burden in our minds.  I know the pain of letting it go but I also know the pain of looking back and realizing that I’ve held on too long.  Let go, give yourself space back, and move forward.

“Sometimes there will be no one to go with you.  No one else is down to do what you want to do.  but that is not an excuse to miss out.  That is the time when you do it anyway and allow your full potential to be unleashed.” Unknown.  I’ve spent a lot of my life turning down experiences.  I turned down going to laser tag on one of my first dates with my husband because I didn’t know how to do it.  I turned down going out to countless dinners because I couldn’t afford it.  I turned down travelling because I couldn’t get time off of work.  I’ve put my life on hold for so many reasons, not having enough, all the while feeling a desperate need to move forward.  A habit I used to have was needing someone to be with me.  If they wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t go because I didn’t want to be alone or I was afraid I couldn’t figure it out on my own.

I’m learning to trust myself more and that means trusting myself to do the things I want to even if they don’t make sense to someone else.  It means trusting that, as a grown adult, I do not need permission to do what I want to do and that I will be able to figure out the logistics.  It means that, regardless of people seeing me and having their opinions based on how I look, it means moving forward and doing it anyway.  Trust comes from allowing yourself to find your way and following your gut no matter what.  Other people aren’t required or always able to fulfill your requirements or your needs and they certainly aren’t required to fulfill your wants.

The more experience we have with answering the call of our heart, the better we are at listening to what it tells us.  The answers we need are always within, that is the point.  We so often have fear of missing out when it comes to something other people are doing, but we don’t have the same sense of urgency when it comes to our own desires.  We always think we can do it later or that eventually someone will do it with us.  There are times when we simply need to buckle up and go for it on our own.  There are points of the journey that aren’t meant for anyone but us.  It isn’t about lack of support, it’s about finding faith in our ability to do it on our own.

Today I am immensely grateful for my senses.  The feeling of being in my office working on my projects and what that means for the future.  The vision of the future.  The taste of the present and how all of this is unfolding.  The senses are a remarkable grounding tool and it’s so easy to forget what they teach us.  I’m grateful for the reminders.

Today I am grateful to see.  I am grateful to see options I didn’t previously know existed.  I am grateful to see life as it really is.  I am grateful to see the path clearing and to know which way makes the most sense for us.  I am grateful to see what the present has for us and what the future holds.  I am grateful to see where I still need to learn and where I have to slow down.  I am grateful to see I don’t have to do it all and that where I’m at is where I’m meant to be.  I am grateful to see those around me for who they really are and to see those who are my people and will support me no matter what.

Today I am grateful to feel.  I am grateful to feel the presence of this moment.  I am grateful to feel my son cuddled against me and to feel the time we have together spent well.  I am grateful to feel full of this life and to know there is more to come.  I am grateful to feel the sensations of my body telling me what I need.  I am grateful to feel the sensation of settling into my own skin rather than settling for what cards are dealt.  I am grateful to feel the range of emotions I have because it means I’m alive, I’m aware and that I give a damn about this life. 

Today I am grateful to taste.  I am grateful to be literally satiated and to share that blessing with others.  I am grateful to taste what life has to offer.  I am grateful to taste what it’s like on the other side of fear and what it takes to create the life we want.  I am grateful to taste the freedom I’ve been seeking and I am grateful to taste the life of the person I am becoming through doing what I am meant to do.  I am grateful to pause and allow the taste of this moment sink in.

Today I am grateful to hear.  I am grateful to hear the sound of my son laughing and being creative. I am grateful to hear the future coming from him and from the work that my husband and I are building.  I am grateful to hear him playing in the now, keeping me present while reminding me of what is coming and why we are doing the work we are.  I am grateful to hear the praise and support of my team and how we are building a new era together.  I am grateful to hear my husband dreaming larger than he ever has before and actually believing it’s possible to achieve. 

Today I am grateful to smell.  I am grateful to know what success smells like.  It’s the smell of my garden growing and producing food.  It’s the smell of my family coming in from working outside.  It’s the smell of my family coming in from playing outside as well.  It’s the smell of staying home and baking with my son.  It’s the smell of taking my son to a new store so we can spend time together.  It’s the smell of traveling to new places together.  It’s the smell of opening a new book with ideas I’ve never read before.  It’s the smell of putting together something new and seeing it through.  And all of these things are the smell of love as well and that is one of the greatest successes we can have. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I’ve been wrestling with living in two worlds for too long now.  There comes a point when you’re sick of hearing the same old thing and feeling the same old thing.  After I wrote yesterday’s piece, I realized I’ve been sitting with something for a while now.  After such an amazing experience, how do I go back to the same routine I held before this? If I keep repeating what I did, I know I won’t get to where I want to be.  Why would I keep doing what I know isn’t for me?  How do I continue to willingly spend my time on something I know isn’t for me?  How do I do what I’m told when I just unleashed the freedom to create the life I want? 

I know I’m going to have to straddle both worlds for a while longer, but I also know I need to focus more of my time and energy on what I want to be doing.  It makes me angry that my day isn’t just at the office.  It’s in the commute to and from, it’s in the time I miss with my kid, it’s in the getting ready for and winding down from the day.  And now there is this knowing that I don’t want that routine.  I don’t want to fight to fit in what I want to do.  There is a decision to transition to a new way of being.  Most beginnings are rocky as we learn to figure it out, but there is greater reward in the risk of doing what you love than there is in playing it safe.

I take comfort in a few things.  One is that I know this is temporary.  When the way is clear, it is only a matter of time for it to unfold as long as you take the necessary steps.  Two is that it’s ok to have boundaries.  I don’t need to fulfill other’s expectations of me and I don’t need to explain what I do.  That is the beauty of being a fully grown adult: I can change my mind and shift my priority where I need it. Three is those people won’t help me fulfill my purpose anyway.  I have a different goal than they do and I don’t need to work toward their end to satisfy their perception.  Four is that I no longer want to be the victim or make up stories about why things happen.  I am ready to be the person I am meant to be and I can change this story.  I can express myself honestly and that authenticity is what’s going to get me where I need to be, nothing else.

My purpose has shifted.  I know what I want to do and I am much clearer on the steps to get there.  No, I’m not thrilled to go back to work, but I am thrilled to do the work I want to do.  That is something we all need to remember: when you find your motivation, there is nothing that gets in the way.  We can be willing to tolerate different things to get what we need.  I now see the life I want and I know I can take what I need to do and compartmentalize it until I can take the next steps.  And there are always steps we can take in the middle of transition.  It isn’t time to sit on laurels and hope.  It is time to pick up the mantle of what I want and spread that awareness to everyone.

I want to share an experience of a feeling I had after the conference.  It felt like the light was on within me rather than like I was flying toward something, like a moth to flame.  It felt like I was my own source.  There was no external driver, no, this was something different.  This was an actual understanding and an adoption of the belief that another life was possible and that I could do it.  This was the feeling that I belonged and that I knew exactly what to do.  I became the driver of my own life.  I’m talking about something similar to the piece I wrote a month or so back about knowing what you want and the rest falling away.  It’s a letting go of the outside distractions of the world and recognizing what an excuse actually is.  Full transparency, I never understood the excuses I was making.  I thought they were all valid and logical reasons to not do what I wanted to.  I thought I was doing the right thing and playing it safe.

The truth is, when we play it safe, we are cutting out a huge chunk of opportunity and possibility.  No, not all risks pan out.  But if we take what we learn and apply it to the next go around, we have the chance to be who we want to be.  We keep going.  We apply what we’ve learned and do better.  See, when I talk about that light coming from inside, I mean that I’ve shifted the direction of motivation.  I’m no longer searching for a thing to make me happy.  I’m searching for what I can produce to create the life I want to live in a way that fulfills my happiness.  I’m looking to produce the results I need instead of manipulating others to do it for me. 

We all have different reasons in our lives for the things we do.  Different drivers, different motivation.  We are the only ones who can fulfill that for ourselves.  I spent a lot of years feeling something within me, a spark I couldn’t quite place.  Then I had someone reach out to be who understood exactly what I was trying to express.  This person pushed me beyond any comfort zone I ever had.  Now I see comfort as a drug.  Yes, I still take a hit every now and then because I’m human and I’m trying to break some habits.  But I know what I’m capable of and that isn’t a power source I want to sit on any longer.  See, comfort, money, stability are all nice things in theory.  But when you connect with your power and know what you can do, you won’t want to waste another moment waiting to express it.