Mental Clean Up

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I listened to a meditation from Jay Shetty and he asked what pain we are trying to avoid now.  I learned a lot through this exercise and I thought I would share it.  Most of us don’t think we are avoiding anything simply because we are here right now.  Just because we are physically here doesn’t mean that’s where we actually are.  If our attention is behind us or in front of us, we aren’t here.  The pain I deal with is the pain of loss.  I experienced and witnessed loss at a very young age and didn’t have much context for it because my siblings are quite a bit older than me.  That translated into an intense need for control and a fear of losing everything as well as a compulsive need to keep my nest full at all times and know where everyone and everything is at all times.  So this exercise was really profound and it expanded some thinking.

The pain I’m trying to avoid is the pain of loss.  I’m trying to avoid the pain of things that haven’t even happened yet and I’m essentially putting myself through it every time I think about it.  I’m trying to avoid the pain of the loss of things that I know will happen like the death of my parents, my son eventually moving out, the loss of our animals.  It’s loss I can’t prevent either as it’s a natural thing that happens. I’m consciously trying to change my mindset and understand that I’m building my community and that I have support and I am able to stand o my own two feet.  I can change the routine and work on building myself.  I can trust my intuition and I can take action.

This exercise also required looking at habits and behaviors.  I have a habit of constantly taking things in.  Eating too fast, eating and reading, reading and watching T.V., watching T.V. and keeping an eye on my son, keeping an eye on my kid and trying to play with him while I work, wanting to be a kid, watching time, wasting time.  What if I just chewed?  Just savored?  Instead of trying to consume it all, what I fi just sat with it? Enjoyed it? Experienced it? Relished it?  Felt the fullness of it instead of taking in and hanging on every single second?  One thing at a time?  Just presence…the weight of me in the moment instead of the wait for the next thing? 

I have to learn to love the moment and linger in it, address it now, in the one long now, instead of waiting for the next or wishing for the last.  Presence.  Reality. Awareness.  The achieve it all, do it all mentality—all will get done as it’s supposed to.  I don’t need to play EVERY game.  I’m always 10, 100, 1000 steps ahead and still missing the moment.  Planning the next meal while I’m eating this one.  Planning to satiate myself until the next meal so I won’t starve…I’ve never starved.  Except for starving for the present.  That is the only way to ensure I’m not missing the moment.  Things change so fast.  I want to NOTICE and KNOW them while they happen.  THAT is life.  Not THE moment, but all moments.  The movement, chaos, the build, the love, loss, fun, plans, reality, spontaneity.  That is life.  Right now.   

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