What Dread Tells Us

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I’ve been wrestling with living in two worlds for too long now.  There comes a point when you’re sick of hearing the same old thing and feeling the same old thing.  After I wrote yesterday’s piece, I realized I’ve been sitting with something for a while now.  After such an amazing experience, how do I go back to the same routine I held before this? If I keep repeating what I did, I know I won’t get to where I want to be.  Why would I keep doing what I know isn’t for me?  How do I continue to willingly spend my time on something I know isn’t for me?  How do I do what I’m told when I just unleashed the freedom to create the life I want? 

I know I’m going to have to straddle both worlds for a while longer, but I also know I need to focus more of my time and energy on what I want to be doing.  It makes me angry that my day isn’t just at the office.  It’s in the commute to and from, it’s in the time I miss with my kid, it’s in the getting ready for and winding down from the day.  And now there is this knowing that I don’t want that routine.  I don’t want to fight to fit in what I want to do.  There is a decision to transition to a new way of being.  Most beginnings are rocky as we learn to figure it out, but there is greater reward in the risk of doing what you love than there is in playing it safe.

I take comfort in a few things.  One is that I know this is temporary.  When the way is clear, it is only a matter of time for it to unfold as long as you take the necessary steps.  Two is that it’s ok to have boundaries.  I don’t need to fulfill other’s expectations of me and I don’t need to explain what I do.  That is the beauty of being a fully grown adult: I can change my mind and shift my priority where I need it. Three is those people won’t help me fulfill my purpose anyway.  I have a different goal than they do and I don’t need to work toward their end to satisfy their perception.  Four is that I no longer want to be the victim or make up stories about why things happen.  I am ready to be the person I am meant to be and I can change this story.  I can express myself honestly and that authenticity is what’s going to get me where I need to be, nothing else.

My purpose has shifted.  I know what I want to do and I am much clearer on the steps to get there.  No, I’m not thrilled to go back to work, but I am thrilled to do the work I want to do.  That is something we all need to remember: when you find your motivation, there is nothing that gets in the way.  We can be willing to tolerate different things to get what we need.  I now see the life I want and I know I can take what I need to do and compartmentalize it until I can take the next steps.  And there are always steps we can take in the middle of transition.  It isn’t time to sit on laurels and hope.  It is time to pick up the mantle of what I want and spread that awareness to everyone.

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