The other morning my son and I went upstairs to feed our bunny together as we do every morning.  Some days it’s a carrot and some parsley, some days it’s just the carrot.  The rabbit had been sick lately, dealing with what we believe was cancer, so I always thought out what I needed to bring for him to eat.  He had just recently started eating the carrots again so I figured we would bring up his treat.  I had warned my son and husband I didn’t know how long he had, and I wanted him to be happy and comfortable.  When we opened the door that morning, I immediately saw he was no longer with us, his sweet little body laid out in the cage.  I tried to shield my son from it, quickly shooing him out of the room, but I didn’t move fast enough.

He immediately shrieked, “Is he dead?!”  I don’t want to lie to my child about these things so I told him, “Yes, honey.”  Naturally my son lost it and cried and started running around trying to expend some of the grief he felt in his own body until he threw himself on the couch.  I told him that I’m here and it’s ok and I knew he was hurting so much.  I didn’t try to comfort him as far as, “We knew he was going to go,” or anything like that because, even though I was “prepared” for the death, it still shocked me.  I felt helpless watching my son react like that.  We will get into this more later, but I have my own issues with death, so that’s why I tried to shield him from it, and also because there are still facets I don’t know how to explain to him. 

I called my husband and let him know that the rabbit was gone and I explained the situation, telling him initially that I had tried to keep our son from it.  As I was telling this to him, I heard my son cry in the background, “I saw his eyes!”  My heart dropped as I was reminded of my own first experience with death (more to come on that) and I remember the confusion.  I felt sick.  I don’t want to make death a weird thing for my son because it is a natural part of life, but I didn’t want him to experience it this soon.  Clearly, I have no control over that, and even though I was prepared for losing the rabbit, I wasn’t totally prepared to find him like that.  I try to be with my animals when they transition and I was going to try and work that out with my child.

With death being a natural part of life living alongside youth, it makes it hard to explain the dichotomy to children.  They have no clue that all life ends.  Youth is the perpetual energy machine with no end in sight, always invincible.  My son saw the rabbit alive the day before, not fully understanding that he truly was sick, and then he woke up to him dead.  They don’t understand what that cycle is.  I guess at the end of the day, I don’t really know what that cycle is either.  But seeing my son’s heart break this early broke my own with it.  I know it isn’t something we can hide from our children forever, I’ve experienced that as well on my own journey.  But I understand it differently now: I can’t prevent the hurt but I can be there with my son through it.  And that is love in a nutshell: the ability to be there through something uncomfortable or painful or even joyous.  If I can help my son understand that much, then I am happy.

I’ve had a Pothos plant for a year now.  I trimmed it back in the early days because it was getting too leggy and the beautiful leaves were turning yellow so I needed to create space for it to grow.  All of the stems I cut but one had rooted and I was able to transplant them back in to a planter where they have flourished since.  One piece, however, refused to grow.  Granted when I began it, the stem itself was about 18 inches long so that is still quite a bit to re-root and it needed a bit more trimming.  I did the initial cut and put it in water and it never grew.  So over the course of year I continued the process of cutting it back and hoping it would grow.  I cut it back to about seven inches or so and knew that if it didn’t root, that was it, I had to let that piece go.  I had been so patient over the course of this time and I didn’t want to toss it away—Something wouldn’t let me get rid of it even after I pulled it from the water before deciding to cut it one last time…but I knew soon there wouldn’t be enough left to plant anyway. 

I sat on a call with my sister the other morning and, without much thought, I noticed the water level was getting low and my first thought was that it was time to let it go.  But as I picked up the glassware with the shallow water and the lonely green stick still hanging out of it, I saw the tiniest of roots forming at the bottom!  I was reminded of the image of the person mining for diamonds and they gave up inches from striking it rich.  I had been about to give up on this plant, thinking it was over—and at the 11^th hour, its roots broke through.  In the usual show of synchronicity from the universe, I had been speaking with my sister about growth and integrating lessons and healing.  This little plant had been through a lot—it lost a lot of itself in the process of re-rooting.  But it came through.  There is something cathartic about knowing with time, anything can root.

There is also a message in the need to cut out the extraneous.  There are things we think we need whether it’s a goal we are headed toward or material goods or a certain house or car or even just a certain projection of who we are.  As we’ve talked about before, in order to find who you are, you have to first recognize who you are not.  This stem of Pothos refused to grow or sprout before this final cut.  So in a very real way, it was letting go of the last bits it didn’t need that allowed it to grow.  I don’t know if it will keep growing strong or if it will bud leaves, but it took its first steps toward growth exactly when it was ready.  That’s the thing about being part of the universe: you can’t force things to happen before their time or with things that aren’t meant to be.  That’s how the universe works.  If growth isn’t supported or if the environment isn’t healthy, there will be no growth. 

Beyond the cliché of learning to stop pushing things, the main message is trust.  Trust that everything we are brought to is for a reason.  Trust that the obstacles in our lives are meant to show us what we need to learn including what we can do without and where we need to focus.  Be patient and understand that there is a lifelong lesson in life and that is simply that we need to do the best we can and love.  Allow the love to start with who we are.  Sometimes that means letting go of the image we project and simply fostering the growth of who we ARE.  And there is no forcing something to happen before it is ready.  You can lead a horse to water, right?  So be kind to yourself and be patient.  Especially when it’s hard, be kind.  Focus on where you are at and allowing yourself to grow.  Before you know it, once you are ready to let go of what you don’t need, you will find the growth you’re looking for. 

Today I am grateful to realize my patterns.  As is it here on the precipice of the full moon, I know this is about catharsis and releasing old habits and patterns and willingly giving up things that no longer serve.  The points of ourselves that keep us in patterns are rising to the top and we need to face them.  I had such a moment yesterday morning.  I literally was talking about stopping the fear patterns and the overwhelm and focusing on what I want to do when I found myself in a spiral of “There is too fucking much going on, how did I get myself here again?’  Like, I’m not even HERE, I’m spiraling in my head and freaking out nothing will get done. And I realized THAT is the pattern I need to break—allowing the overwhelm by taking on too much, and then feeling angry or helpless about it.  I need to focus on what I’m trying to do and finish one thing at a time.  It doesn’t matter who gets disappointed, I need to prioritize what is right for me and that’s it.

Today I am grateful to honor my needs.  We celebrated my father’s birthday yesterday and our friend’s daughter as well.  I indulged a bit—not to excess (small wins!!)—and we went home.  My body has been faithfully fighting something off and it has been crying for rest for a while, so when we got home, it felt like it was time to sleep almost immediately.  I had a laundry list of things to do (including laundry) and I couldn’t bring myself to do even one of them.  Instead, I listened to my body, got myself and my son ready for bed, and we cuddled on the couch as a family.  We fell asleep for a bit, then went upstairs and actually went to bed.  I am so grateful I listened because I woke up feeling a thousand times better, more energized, and ready.

Today I am grateful to honor my boundaries.  I love my family but they are a huge distraction for me.  I work a lot and I know I need to be better about how I spend my time in certain circumstances, but I try my best to schedule.  For example, when I work on my writing, I wake up between 4am and 5am so I can do it before they wake up.  Today, my husband was up early with me and he was in my office.  We chatted for a bit but then I told him I needed to work.  I normally never kick him out but when I’m actively on a roll and he comes in during a time I designate to NOT be distracted, I have to put down a boundary.  My son will walk in and out a million times and I have to stop and restart my thoughts and I’ve had to tell him to stay out as well.  Like I said I love them, but I can’t give all of my energy to them.

Today I am grateful for self-respect.  I had a friend contact me out of the blue today because they were in our general area—actually, the farm next to us to be exact.  Regardless, I had no clue they were coming prior to that moment.  In fact, I found out they were already there when she reached out.  I know the old feeling of, “Holy crap, we need to get it together and get over there.  We won’t see them again, we are going to miss out!”  It came up for a second.  And then I very quickly did the math on the timing of the call and where we were—running errands—and realized she could have asked about it a week ago at least.  I am not going to turn my life upside down to accommodate their plans when I wasn’t part of it originally. I’m not saying they HAD to invite us, but if they truly wanted it, they could have reached out earlier.  I am done stopping the things I’m doing or the things I need to do to feel like I’m included at the last second. 

Today I am grateful for the signs and possibilities that came through today.  I’ve been thinking a LOT about my life and the next steps.  If I’m serious about the goals I have in my mind, then I need to do something about them.  I need to take actual action on it.  That means no more waiting, no more contingencies, it means making a decision and doing something about it.  Like the paragraph above, I can’t hope for a spot on someone else’s ride—I am NOT an afterthought.  Neither are the things I want to accomplish in my time here.  So.  That is the true definition of no longer asking permission.  It is in the deciding.  I have a crazy idea of what to do next—and it is definitely out there—but I also received a lot of positive signs about it today.  I’m healing fear, trauma, forgiving the past, and actually letting go of the reactivity and moving into productive creativity.  I have a shot and it’s time to take it. 

Today I am grateful for clarity.  Yesterday was my father’s birthday and we spent most of the morning with him and my mother.  During our visit a dear family friend came over as well and we started reminiscing and reflecting.  Sometimes that’s a dangerous place to go, but in this case, it felt cathartic.  It cleared up a lot of the pain and confusion we have in the present and the reality is, we all need each other now.  We need to stop acting like we have it all together and accept each other as we are.  We need to continue to offer the support we can and not assume anything.  We never know.  Beyond that, life is short so take the opportunities we are given as a gift and run with them.  We don’t need things to look a certain way to be deemed successful.  It’s how we operate in what success means to us.  So…take the crazy chances, remember you are not a second choice, and your purpose makes you inherently worthy.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead filled with health, progress, and joy.      

Our son started kindergarten this year (as I’ve talked about) and this is a first for him as far as being able to really make friends.  He was around 2.5 or 3 when the pandemic started so he missed his first year of pre-k entirely and then he was only part time last year.  But this year—he has gone all out.  He NEEDED this outlet and this relationship with a peer.  The interesting thing about making friends in this day and age is that the parents learn to make friends as well.  I don’t know how social some of you are, but making friends as an adult is weird.  Like, we have all of our individual nuances in our lives where we are comfortable in who we are and we don’t care what people think, but we know we need other people.  So…do we show ourselves in all of our weirdness?  Absolutely.  The beautiful thing about making friends as adults is being able to fully express who you are and knowing/recognizing authenticity off the bat.  Granted we don’t HAVE to be friends with our kid’s friends’ parents, but it is nice.

So we had my son’s friend and his family over yesterday night and it was beautiful.  This was one instance I didn’t feel nerves when it came to having people over and I didn’t feel like I needed to put on a show or anything.  That was a good sign.  Like our kids, we start on wobbly legs trying to find our comfort zone with each other but as soon as I opened the door, we hugged.   There was no hesitation at all.  For me, that’s an immediate ice breaker.  I noticed that the closeness of our sons made it easier from the beginning.  The fact that these boys had so much fun together from day one of Kindergarten Readiness Camp made me recognize there were similarities in us as well.  Not just in our parenting, but in our history.  I believe in being open with everyone and allowing people to be who they are, but we have a different type of bond with people when we have a shared experience.  And the only way we know about shared experience is if we talk about it.

Again adulting is weird and we get set in these patterns and it’s amazing how some of us think we have to show ourselves a certain way with certain people.  It’s the energy we give off, truly.  I totally understand some people are more closed off and reserved—I’m usually one of them until I get to know you.  But whether we believe in it or not, we all pick up on energy and we can tell by the environment we walk into what someone believes in and who they are.  It doesn’t matter what they say, it’s the energy they give off.  I have created an environment of what I try to think of as organized chaos thinly veiled with some fun decorations and a lot of my son’s toys around.  Some people in our age group are in a different boat than that.  We found some parents who are exactly where we are. 

I want to be clear on the latter point about finding people where we are: this isn’t about comfort zone.  These are people we just met so this is more about relational experience versus finding someone in the same emotional state.  Now, after spending an amazing evening with them, I do see we have a lot in common as far as where we are emotionally, but it didn’t start that way.  It started with common ground from where we were—literally.  We went OUT of our comfort zone to create a new relationship with people we only met a few months ago.  Ok, I know for some of you this isn’t anything major, I’m just talking about life here.  But for those of us working multiple jobs, working more than full time, raising young kids, helping aging parents, and all of the other things life brings our way, taking a moment to step out of that chaos and to be SEEN and HEARD and MET where you are is a beautiful thing.  It’s about feeling safe in who you are and allowing others to be seen as well. So we took the example from our son and allowed some vulnerability through—and it opened a gateway to something valuable for all of us.

Following up on ego, I had a conversation with an employee about spirituality and connection the other day.  The universe will constantly bring us to the place we need to be in the most unexpected was.  So, we’ve spoken about what it costs to be who we are, we’ve spoken about letting go of ego, and we’ve spoken about the power of thought.  Another component to this is faith.  See, I was jaded on religion early in my life and I still don’t subscribe to a religion.  But I have a very strong faith.  I don’t trust the words of men over my own knowing because their words are about what they think I need to do instead of what I know I need to do.  It’s about their relationship with something higher over my own.  I don’t need them to be a conduit for any message because I am a conduit, we all are.  Now that that’s out of the way, I want to share my story of faith.

I was privileged to have the grandfather I did.  I know I’ve shared stories of him here, but a quick recap is this man was always incredibly generous yet held firm boundaries, he was beyond his time as far as views on people and allowing others to be, he was one of the most supportive people you’d ever meet but you didn’t want to cross him.  On top of all that, he was an extremely devout man but his faith and belief looked different than the religion I was exposed to.  See, he too operated from his knowing.  Yes, he went to church and he read and studied the bible, but he also had the ability to SEE people and he didn’t care about their beliefs.  He understood his relationship with the creator he believed in was his own and he never cared what others believed.  That was their business.  He never preached or pushed, he allowed everyone to simply be and he did what he could.  My grandmother was raised differently and if you didn’t live by the book, you were a sinner and outcast and she’d pray for you.  But that was always the critical eye of her religion and belief: they sought where you were wrong in their eyes.  My grandfather knew how to hold love for al, he didn’t care if you were right or wrong.

Personally I’ve had a complicated relationship with faith.  It’s something I want to have and experience, but I would be lying if I said I haven’t gone back and forth.  I allowed moments to devastate me and tear me apart and I think I was exposed to loss way too early in my life.  I couldn’t understand that there was room and purpose in life for both the good and the bad and I allowed the pain to overwhelm me.  The story I’m about to share makes it hard to waver on my faith, and even admit I’m ashamed that I allowed myself to waver as I did.  My employee allowed me to share the following story (it’s been years since I thought of this) and it reminded me that I have no reason to not have faith.    

I lost my grandfather when I was 11 years old and it completely tore me apart.  Aside from my parents, my grandfather was the adult I looked up to the most and I never anticipated losing him.  He wasn’t afraid of anything (and I know now that was because of his faith) so I never doubted he wouldn’t always be there for me. Then he wasn’t.  We lost him very suddenly and everything turned upside down—but here is the faith.  Two days after his funeral I had a dream where I saw him in his casket and he sat up, patted his arms and said “Let’s get this stuff off of me.”  I remember waking up and literally saying to myself, “This is a child’s dream, I want him back.”  Another couple of nights later, I dreamt I was back in his house staring at his empty chair.  I turned around, and he was there.  He looked different than in the previous dream.  He looked happy.  He said, “I’m alright now.” and I woke up.  I knew immediately that was a message from him.  Several years later, my mother shared she had the same dream around the same time I did.  My friends, there is something more.

I don’t think about this story enough as I go through my days, I allow myself to get too busy.  But this is the cornerstone of knowing we are here for a reason.  We have the ability to connect and there is so much more than we can see or understand.  It’s all real.  We have to train ourselves to see it and to remember it when we are in the thick of all the crap we tell ourselves we have to do.  There are real connections to be made both here and with energies outside and beyond.  But you can’t have something that profound happen and allow it to fade away.  I just admitted I’m guilty of it too—but I don’t want to be.  So take the time to surrender what you think has to be or what you think you know and think of a time when there was an irrefutable sign that something more w as happening. There is always something more.  For me, I want to solidify my faith—faith that I am doing the right thing in listening to the signs and sharing this message and boosting people to where they need to be.  We have a purpose.  We have a reason for being.  So I will have faith enough to be me—Just like my grandfather.

In early August I had the privilege of attending a conference where one of my leaders spoke.  He talked about EGO and how to live with humility.  See for him, EGO meant Edging God Out.  Now, don’t panic, I haven’t suddenly become overtaken by religion or anything like that, but I want to talk about the evolution of this idea over the last few months.  When he first spoke the words, it clicked in the respect we always need to remember humility and that there is more in the world than what we can fathom.  There is a plan we know nothing about but we are still required to play our part.  So from my own context, I heard this as remember there is a higher power of some sort and we can’t let our own plans get in the way. 

In the ironically most egotistical of ways, I thought I had no ego.  I’m always willing to learn, I’m always willing to share thoughts and ideas, I’m willing to help within my capacity when asked (boundaries), and I am always busy with multiple projects.  Talk about a two by four to the face.  All of these things served ego, even if I managed to help people along the way.  See, ego isn’t about what you fit in and how much you do, it’s about letting go of those things to fulfill the needs of others.  Again, I’m an advocate for boundaries so I will always say fill your cup first, but if we are able to help others, that’s what we need to do.  I spoke with a former coworker and we were regaling the tragedies we experienced while in our old department and I started to go further back and saw two key moments in my life where ego got in the way.

The first was when I tried out for my school’s dance troupe for what would be the last time I was eligible to do it.  I remember I hadn’t gotten a call the evening of the try out (we were supposed to get called for advancing to second round the same day) and I went to sleep devastated because I had done this for three years and now my last chance was gone.  A cruel girl even called around 9:30pm to “see if I got the call” only to ask me, “Oh, did you think it was them when I called?”  The next day, a group of girls I knew HAD gotten the call came running to me and told me I DID make it, my name was on the list on the dance room.  I flew downstairs and saw it—I was on the list.  So I made it to the next round and when I went to the second try out, a senior girl came up to me and asked who I was and she apologized for not calling me—she had missed my name on the list.  I froze up.  I was so nervous to even be there and I felt like an outsider and I was also angry because I missed the initial excitement.  I was definitely colder to her than I should have been—and I ended up not making it.  I know if I had let it go she would have taken time with me to learn the routine better and to help me—she tried, but I didn’t even bother to ask.  And I allowed myself to believe it was because I needed it on my own merits.         

The next was a decade later during my transition from traditional to holistic healthcare.  I finished my education and got my first job using my LMT.  Two weeks after I left my traditional job, I got a call from them asking me to come back and help.  I told them yes but found out they wanted me to fill out an application and take a drug test and essentially come back as a new hire rather than a 1099.  I’d only been gone two weeks and I was really raw from my boss when all of this occurred so I wrote a scathing letter to the new director about how ridiculous it was to make me apply when I’d been gone for two weeks, they needed MY help.  The reality is, had I gone back, I would have had a shot at the very position the person who made my life challenging just vacated—management.  I think of the following decade and that I could have been so much further if I had just done it.  I mean, I’m here now, but I could have saved myself some serious trouble along the way. 

So there’s a lesson in this for everyone: we always have ego, especially when we think we don’t.  Ego will allow us to believe we’re doing something for noble reasons or for the right reasons when really we are just protecting ourselves and telling another story about how right we are.  I mean, there’s a time and place for that as well, but the majority of the time we are deflecting and embracing the need to be right rather than doing what is right.  I’ve clawed desperately at advancement and “power” and “authority” but shunned two opportunities that would have brought me ages further faster because I let ego get in the way.  Now it isn’t even about power or authority—it’s about finding peace.  And I am being told to surrender in many ways right now.  So the memory of those two incidents are the reminders for me to not miss another chance to progress by thinking I’m always right.  Don’t let your head get in the way of the plan.

“It costs nothin’ to be kind.”  Six words, seven syllables, an immeasurable reminder of the power of SEEING people.  It’s also a reminder that the things we give freely have a deeper purpose than we initially feel.  Yesterday I shared how I initially felt angry about someone saying my gift was offering kind words and how I didn’t see the value in that.  Ironic I didn’t see the value because I love words and I’ve always spoken of the value of words.  But I had taken it as someone only seeing me as a stepping stone.  If they need to feel better, they come to me for a boost and then I won’t see them again for a while.  As I said yesterday, I do see the gift now.  My ability to offer words demonstrates that people are seen.  And people need to be seen, now more than ever.  They need to know their inherent value and sometimes it takes someone else telling them to understand.  I’m happy to be that person because I know what it’s like to want to be seen and I love igniting the light in others.

I have to admit that I initially didn’t see the value because offering kind words is something I’ve always done.  It’s something I’ve always wanted done for me.  I always wanted to know people saw my efforts and appreciated when I could do.  For a long time I needed to hear I was good enough and capable enough and that what I produced was amazing.  When it came to offering words to people, it came so naturally it felt like there was no effort involved.  I had also been trained that anything worth while felt like work.  But I’ve learned the things we are drawn to do to help others will often cost us nothing.  The things we are meant to do feel easy, not hard.  Not that there aren’t some challenging parts, but it feels good to do it.  Our natural gifts cost nothing to share.  Our passion and drive and desire cost us nothing.  It’s something we are compelled to do.  We are drawn to it like magnets and we feel so good when we are doing it, it’s almost uncomfortable.  What costs us nothing can be invaluable to someone else. 

It’s a testament to the need to share our light and to be who we are born to be.  We are so brainwashed to “become” something from the time we are in kindergarten.  We are trained to graduate and progress and move up the ladder and always striving for something else that we lose sight of our inherent value.  We need to remember that.  We are born with gifts that the world needs otherwise we wouldn’t have them.  We’ve misinterpreted value and worth as something we get paid for.  We’ve lost sight of the things we do naturally because there is no visible reward.  This world offers us endless gifts, things we shun because they are readily available.  Trees produce fruit, plants give us food, we have air and water, and God willing housing and clothing but we don’t see the value in it because we expect it and we are told we have to produce to be of worth.

What if we redefined worth?  What if we took the time to see what we were REALLY offering?  What the world is really offering? I’m by no means shunning the efforts and advances man has made: I love my books and the internet and the ability to cook and to have a home with running water.  Those are all worthy things.  But there are other worthy things that are less tangible.  Those gifts need to be shared and highlighted as well. The fact that something comes easy doesn’t mean it’s not valuable.  We just need to appreciate that more.  Your gifts need to be shared.  FIND what comes easy because chances are that is what you are meant to focus on.  Things come to us in unexpected ways so follow where you are naturally led and take it further than that.  Bring it to life with ease and grace and allow that to be your mark.  That is purpose.

I want to preface this with we are always tested when we have any sort of epiphany or realization or declare we know what we want, when we are trying to become someone else.  Shortly after the realization that I needed to watch my thoughts, a few things happened.  So I made the bold declaration that I would ALWAYS watch my thoughts as soon as I realized what I was seeing on my screen.  There couldn’t be any other reason behind what I was seeing other than to watch my thoughts.  I woke up the following day, Wednesday, and I had a feeling come over me about what I want to do with my work and I said to myself I am absolutely meant to help others.  I have a gift and I am meant to share that and elicit the best version of all of us out into the world.  The universe responded. 

The night before we received an email from my son’s teacher explaining a personal situation she was dealing with and I had immediately replied offering support—she’s going through something I’ve experienced as well.  For whatever reason when I woke up on that Wednesday, I felt like I crossed a boundary and maybe she wasn’t ready to receive that.  I barely know the woman, but I replied to her situation without thinking.  So as I sat in my office thinking about my call to help others and simultaneously worrying I had crossed a boundary, I opened my email.  The first thing I saw was a thank you from this teacher.  Warmth flooded my body in instant relief.  My message was received.  I continued my morning, drawing my affirmations and I had repeat cards come through.  They spoke of leaning toward love to be led and learning through love.  Offering support to someone who feels alone is the least we can do, so I did that with compassion and love.  MORE warmth.  Then I read my devotional and the line that stuck out was, “It costs nothin’ to be kind.”  More on that one soon. 

Finally, I meditated and it was about sharing love.  And right there, that was it. I have a gift for working directly with people and figuring out how to untangle from the thought webs they weave.  I love to offer support and guidance within my capacity and so often, people simply need to be heard and encouraged.  It literally costs nothing.  And it feels amazing.  I love donating belief and seeing people come out of their shells as they see who they are meant to be. This world needs more of who we are meant to be and less of who we are told to be.  It needs the authentic gifts we were given and meant to share with the world.  I’ve spoken about it before, we are not meant to carry the burden of the world on our own.  We are not meant to all be the same.  We are meant to be who we are and to share that light so we can ignite the light in someone else.  And those gifts carry on and on and inspire others.

These are thoughts that constantly roam through my head.  Based on yesterday’s piece, if this is what’s in my mind, then this is what I’m drawing to myself.  An ear, a lesson, a kind word.  I used to think it didn’t seem like much.  In fact, I had an exercise a few years back where I asked people what my best quality was and someone close to me said, “You always have a kind and encouraging word.”  I remember getting angry at first.  I’ve done all of these things in my life, I’ve fought to get through and succeeded, I’m raising a child, I’ve financially supported my family.  Not that any of it is unique, but I have demonstrably shown I am far more capable than just words.  I mean I love words, but at the time I needed validation on something more.  Now that some years have passed, I appreciate the sentiment.  I see the value in being able to offer support and perspective to people.  We all know how unkind we can be to ourselves, so if I have the ability to reason with that in others, I am happy to have it.  The things that naturally flow through our minds are ours and those are the things we are meant to work on.  That is the person we are meant to be.  

A week ago I sat with my parents and we discussed life in general and we reminisced about times, good and bad, over the course of the last couple of decades.  We fell into the nostalgia habit and I mentioned I found a thank you letter from a teacher I had 26 years ago.  I don’t recall how we got on the next conversation, but I mentioned how this teacher’s husband (at the time) had worked for an airline and he was involved in cleaning up a crash that occurred on Halloween several years prior to that, and unfortunately, one of the relatives of another teacher had been on that flight.  I remember this teacher saying that the other teacher struggled with speaking to her because it was so painful.  It was a powerful memory to me because I was so young and didn’t understand how a person could hold someone not technically involved accountable or how they could act as a trigger—believe me, I know now.  I also hadn’t thought of that event in several years.

The following Tuesday at work I ran audits for my employees and that involves random account numbers being pulled for me to review.  Everything droned on for the first few hours but in that last hour of work, right as boredom was about to take over, an account popped up that stopped me in my tracks. I mean I literally stared at that screen for a good five minutes with my jaw on the floor, confirming who I was looking at.  It was the teacher who struggled with my teacher, a person I hadn’t seen in well over 30 years, someone who I last heard of 26 years prior, and someone I had no say in choosing during this process at work—yet I had just been speaking of her and now here she is. 

For me, that was a testament to the power of thought and manifestation in the universe.  No, I didn’t have any intention whatsoever of finding this woman, the topic was brought up very casually with no drive to follow up.  But if something that random, where the odds are literally one in several hundred million, can happen without intention, simply by speaking about it, that is unbelievable evidence that something is working beyond us.  There is truly power in our thoughts.  There is power in our words.  That power explains quite a bit about where I’m at with myself lately as well.  I’ve been going through a weird phase of reconciling the past and wanting to go back and I’ve been experiencing things that have thrown me for a loop, like old repeating behaviors of mine and my husband, old fears, not wanting to cope with what’s in front of me.  It all started with a thought about wanting to go back.

To the latter point there are a couple of things: 1. Always watch your thoughts because even if it seems innocent, or wistful, or in jest, the universe doesn’t view it that way.  You are imbibing power into a thought the universe thinks needs to become reality and, if it can’t give you exactly what you want, it’s going to send you its interpretation.  So be clear and focused and disciplined.  2. With that focus, make sure you are very clear on what your intentions are.  I literally had no intent in the conversation with my parents and there still popped up a remnant so astronomically small that could only mean there is power unseen.  3. The universe responds to frequency and belief and if you intend to shift anything in your life, you need to match that level and understand what it means to believe.  That was evidence to me that my energy emitted more longing for the past than for the future.  Time to shift!

I hope that everyone experiences something like this in their lifetime where there is concrete evidence that thought has power.  If there is power in a thought you DON’T want, imagine the power of something you do want.  Imagine feeling differently and allowing yourself to explore something new without fear and embracing the change it brings—often the change you say you want.  This isn’t about fake it ‘til you make it, this is about becoming that person.  Even if you aren’t that person now, you can still find ways to emit the energy you’re intending.  I repeat, there is power in thought and the universe draws it to you.  Do not second guess yourself and do not second guess your intent.  You may need to adjust focus every now and then, but allow the belief to become you until you become the belief.  This is the way of the universe—trust it.

We get two for one today!

Today I am grateful for new friendships.  With working the hours I do, I don’t often get to expand out to new people.  We’ve had the chance to meet some amazing people through my son and it has opened into a friendship for all of us.  I’ve been so grateful to start finding joy again and finding new people to experience things with has been an amazing joy for me.  Being seen where I’m at, watching my son and husband feel the same, it helps us break out of our fight or flight-we-only-have-each-other mode.  We have some beautiful friendships we’ve made since living here, but finding people exactly where we are at has been life changing.  It’s about a shared connection and that is priceless.

Today I am grateful for progress.  Thinking about what moves us forward, I’ve learned a lot from the group I work with outside of my 9-5.  We talk a lot about result producing activities and at first I thought it was just exhausting.  Full transparency, it IS exhausting but that is also just the phase we are in right now.  There is more to come and in order to get here, we need to work on those things that actually get results.  So we’ve been putting in different effort than what we did before.  Previously we were just trying to do enough to keep our heads off the ground.  But in the last month, we’ve made a ton of progress with helping people.  The difference in the result was almost immediate when the focus shifted to brining a result to others.  That is what moves us forward.

Today I am grateful to be able to help.  Expanding on what I mentioned above, I’m grateful to be able to be a light to others.  There are days it feels heavy and overwhelming trying to keep up with all the things I have to do, but there has been no better feeling than making myself available to truly hear people and help them where they are at.  I’ve been an ear for my employees, I’ve advocated for moving projects forward at work, I’ve helped people find things to assist in their health, I’ve been able to help my parents when they needed me, I’ve worked with my son on his school projects, and my husband and I have gotten better about dividing tasks around the house.  It’s a beautiful thing to put talent to use and to apply it to life.  Find the helpers or be the helper—it makes all the difference.   

Today I am grateful for time with family.  Life never seems to slow down and there are moments I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing.  Yes, it feels good to help and to be productive, but we lose sight of the need and/or value of rest.  I mean, I crave rest, but I’m a pusher and I will push up to the point I physically can’t do anymore.  This morning, I woke up and worked on my writing and my husband and I made breakfast.  Then we all sat on the couch with the dog and one of the cats and as soon as I looked at all of us laying/sitting there, I said, “This is a moment.”  It’s amazing how the body lets you know when you are at peace.  There is a sense of complete calm that washes over and it’s felt at the deepest level.  That’s a parasympathetic response and it feels good—and it’s necessary.  Beyond that, it’s a moment to cherish as we are all together, simply relaxing and connecting with each other.  I love my family.

Today I am grateful for forgiveness.  I wasn’t able to post this on Sunday and I broke my streak of almost daily posting for two years.  So I begin again. And I know where I need to keep my focus.  There was simply too much chaos and distraction on Sunday and I didn’t get to finish sharing these things, the things I am grateful for that keep me moving and focused.  I will forgive myself and take the lessons and I will continue to prioritize what is important to me—my health and my family and taking care of things that are needed.  Things will unfold as they are meant to, and I needed to forget in order to remember what I have to do.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead with an early morning post 😊