Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to realize my patterns.  As is it here on the precipice of the full moon, I know this is about catharsis and releasing old habits and patterns and willingly giving up things that no longer serve.  The points of ourselves that keep us in patterns are rising to the top and we need to face them.  I had such a moment yesterday morning.  I literally was talking about stopping the fear patterns and the overwhelm and focusing on what I want to do when I found myself in a spiral of “There is too fucking much going on, how did I get myself here again?’  Like, I’m not even HERE, I’m spiraling in my head and freaking out nothing will get done. And I realized THAT is the pattern I need to break—allowing the overwhelm by taking on too much, and then feeling angry or helpless about it.  I need to focus on what I’m trying to do and finish one thing at a time.  It doesn’t matter who gets disappointed, I need to prioritize what is right for me and that’s it.

Today I am grateful to honor my needs.  We celebrated my father’s birthday yesterday and our friend’s daughter as well.  I indulged a bit—not to excess (small wins!!)—and we went home.  My body has been faithfully fighting something off and it has been crying for rest for a while, so when we got home, it felt like it was time to sleep almost immediately.  I had a laundry list of things to do (including laundry) and I couldn’t bring myself to do even one of them.  Instead, I listened to my body, got myself and my son ready for bed, and we cuddled on the couch as a family.  We fell asleep for a bit, then went upstairs and actually went to bed.  I am so grateful I listened because I woke up feeling a thousand times better, more energized, and ready.

Today I am grateful to honor my boundaries.  I love my family but they are a huge distraction for me.  I work a lot and I know I need to be better about how I spend my time in certain circumstances, but I try my best to schedule.  For example, when I work on my writing, I wake up between 4am and 5am so I can do it before they wake up.  Today, my husband was up early with me and he was in my office.  We chatted for a bit but then I told him I needed to work.  I normally never kick him out but when I’m actively on a roll and he comes in during a time I designate to NOT be distracted, I have to put down a boundary.  My son will walk in and out a million times and I have to stop and restart my thoughts and I’ve had to tell him to stay out as well.  Like I said I love them, but I can’t give all of my energy to them.

Today I am grateful for self-respect.  I had a friend contact me out of the blue today because they were in our general area—actually, the farm next to us to be exact.  Regardless, I had no clue they were coming prior to that moment.  In fact, I found out they were already there when she reached out.  I know the old feeling of, “Holy crap, we need to get it together and get over there.  We won’t see them again, we are going to miss out!”  It came up for a second.  And then I very quickly did the math on the timing of the call and where we were—running errands—and realized she could have asked about it a week ago at least.  I am not going to turn my life upside down to accommodate their plans when I wasn’t part of it originally. I’m not saying they HAD to invite us, but if they truly wanted it, they could have reached out earlier.  I am done stopping the things I’m doing or the things I need to do to feel like I’m included at the last second. 

Today I am grateful for the signs and possibilities that came through today.  I’ve been thinking a LOT about my life and the next steps.  If I’m serious about the goals I have in my mind, then I need to do something about them.  I need to take actual action on it.  That means no more waiting, no more contingencies, it means making a decision and doing something about it.  Like the paragraph above, I can’t hope for a spot on someone else’s ride—I am NOT an afterthought.  Neither are the things I want to accomplish in my time here.  So.  That is the true definition of no longer asking permission.  It is in the deciding.  I have a crazy idea of what to do next—and it is definitely out there—but I also received a lot of positive signs about it today.  I’m healing fear, trauma, forgiving the past, and actually letting go of the reactivity and moving into productive creativity.  I have a shot and it’s time to take it. 

Today I am grateful for clarity.  Yesterday was my father’s birthday and we spent most of the morning with him and my mother.  During our visit a dear family friend came over as well and we started reminiscing and reflecting.  Sometimes that’s a dangerous place to go, but in this case, it felt cathartic.  It cleared up a lot of the pain and confusion we have in the present and the reality is, we all need each other now.  We need to stop acting like we have it all together and accept each other as we are.  We need to continue to offer the support we can and not assume anything.  We never know.  Beyond that, life is short so take the opportunities we are given as a gift and run with them.  We don’t need things to look a certain way to be deemed successful.  It’s how we operate in what success means to us.  So…take the crazy chances, remember you are not a second choice, and your purpose makes you inherently worthy.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead filled with health, progress, and joy.      

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