It’s review season at work.  I hate doing annual reviews.  It’s stressful for everyone involved, remembering all the details for multiple employees, the agony of waiting for the decision, the fact that someone’s future salary may depend on how they were viewed/perceived in the year (if the company even decides to give them), lack of introspection on some parts.  I think it’s a terrible process because if we were consistent with direction over the year, we wouldn’t need to have a “big talk” at one point determining the fate so to speak.  Regardless, it’s mandatory for the company at this time.  So, I’ve been giving reviews long enough, and I know how to read people well enough, to address the personal and the professional in my employees and myself.  No, I’m not exempt from reviews.  Neither is my boss. 

I wasn’t thrilled with my review in the respect I think some of the big picture like overall workload, overall focus/direction, and how the needle was moved were overlooked.  I have a pretty good gauge on my ethics/habits/behaviors so I know where I fell short.  It’s what allows me to be honest with other people as well—my boss actually commended me for that.  So I tend to focus on the positive when I give reviews, I think we were a little too harsh as far as leaders.  This was a different year, however, and I wasn’t mad because I had already anticipated much of what was going to happen and I’ve been preparing mentally for next steps for a while.  My boss wasn’t though.  

It was early on Friday morning when I ran into my boss and she immediately exclaimed that she was going home because she just had her review.  We talked the whole thing through and I empathized with a lot of what she said.  There are other factors at play for her because she has a higher position so there are more politics in the organization since we’ve been bought out, and that is something we’ve ALL struggled with—she just gets it more.  There are major issues with communication and that trickles down all the way to us.  There isn’t clear direction from above her because we are in this weird state where we have our own initiative as well as the organizations initiatives but we are all supposed to be one.  So, truly, I understand, and it is complicated.

But what I explained to my teams, I became the reflection of their work, and what she had to deal with her teams, she became a reflection of that work.  I’m not sure she was happy with that or prepared for it.  It’s never fun having things pointed out that we need to work on and it’s even less fun acknowledging the truth in it.  No one likes to dig that deep when they’re at that level.  Not that my boss is a bad boss, but we are all human and need to have the capacity for constructive feedback.  When communication is bad, you have to work to be a better communicator.  You have to learn to elicit the things you need out of people.  Sometimes it takes someone outside to hold up that mirror to understand that to taste the other side. 

I think the major point is that we are all in this together.  There is no real need to continue evaluating people like this because something will always be missed. We never take the whole picture of who we are or what was accomplished or the things we had to overcome to accomplish them.  And there are times when we have to face that what goes around comes around.  If we are at the mercy of arbitrary judgement, then so is everyone else.  We are actively practicing things that are damaging to people. I mean, there IS value in constructive, timely criticism.  There is no value in listing every single thing a person has done and deeming it good enough at one time.  No one should have that kind of power and it shouldn’t be a requirement for people to do that to each other.  Let’s evaluate each other on our humanity and see how things change…

Today I am grateful to be able to create magic in my son’s life.  It isn’t easy in this economy, this day and age (maybe ever), to be a parent.  I had this vision of what it meant to create the magic for children, that we were supposed to give them everything.  I spent a lot of time buying my son’s love so to speak.  I’ve gotten much better about connecting, but when he was super little, those formative years where you really need your parents, I couldn’t physically be as present as I wanted with my baby.  I worked a lot, I worked far, and I was always under pressure to be on time.  I know people say kids don’t remember, but my son became exceptionally clingy whenever I wasn’t around.  To this day he still tells me he needs me all the time.  So I try to show him that I care, that I’m always there, that I hear him.  With Christmas coming up, I know I went overboard—to be fair it’s for Christmas and his birthday.  He mentioned things he wanted and I want him to know that for every “No” I gave him, I still heard him. I could be mad about what I spent, or fearful, but I’m choosing to be grateful.  You’re only little once, and that time goes so fast.

Today I am grateful to connect with my husband.  We’ve been working through a lot since October, trying to come to a better understanding with each other, a better understanding of each other.  I know for a long time I took for granted what he needed because I was so angry about the past.  Things that had been done still burned hot and I felt owed because what was done never really was acknowledged.  It was something that angered and embarrassed my husband so he preferred to ignore it, I needed to understand it to know if it would happen again.  We never saw eye to eye on how to resolve it and it resulted in me demanding things and my husband got resentful over time.  I understood THAT.  Yesterday I was able to leave work really early and meet up with him and we had lunch, just the two of us, and we finished shopping for Christmas.  Those few hours together really make a difference, and we really took our time with each other, talked things over (even though it was just about Christmas). It was needed.

Today I am grateful for continual guidance.  I am so fortunate to be learning about my faith and my connection to spirit/the universe.  I’m not talking religion—I’m talking about that assurance that comes from hearing the messages for us.  I feel blessed to take the leap of faith and do things for others that makes them feel good.  I feel blessed to take the leap of faith and do things that make me feel good, too.  Life is about taking chances and experiencing things.  It’s not about perfection. 

Today I am grateful to keep the big picture in mind.  Everything that is happening now from the purchases to the preparation to the gatherings we do or do not attend is all a matter of choice.  I’m choosing what this season looks like for me and I’m choosing what the season looks like moving forward.  I’m grateful for turning a leaf and for the reminders that this is the right thing to do.  You don’t get to new places or experience a new mind set by repeating old patterns.  There is a future beyond what is visible or tangible right now.  There is the future that comes when we take the leap and sometimes that means completely letting go, being present, and enjoying what we have.  Attitude attracts experiences and that is key moving forward.

Today I am grateful to have a plan.  No, I don’t know all the details, I don’t even know the next step.  But I have a feeling of what comes next and I can see what the future vision looks like.  Honestly, that’s enough of a plan for me because what comes next is about learning what I feel inside and how to allow this transformation to take hold.  This is about me moving in the direction of my dreams and the more I do, the clearer it becomes.  Some would say this isn’t a plan—for me it’s the most concrete thing I can do.  Stay true to myself, to my purpose, allow the rest to fall away, and enjoy what is in front of me.  I spent too much time worrying about the future to the point of trying to figure out every person’s next move.  That was a waste of time and energy.  Now I am content to put out what I am meant to and to follow my own flow.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead! 

I’ve been obsessed with magic since I was a kid.  It started when I first saw “Interview With The Vampire” and had my first dip into fantasy/supernatural.  I loved the idea of living outside of time, the idea of being able to experience all of that life.  I loved the idea of being beyond mortal rules, so to speak.  Then I graduated to reading about and watching moves about magic and witchcraft and other fantasy.  I just love the idea that there is something more out there that we can tap into.  I also think my experiences as a child fostered a proclivity to want to control things out of self-protection.  Regadless, the other day I came across a post from Ashmi Path talking about Becoming the Magician and my interest piqued.  She talked about a ceremony/service she was about to host, but her phrasing on Becoming the Magician got me. 

As I’ve gotten older, I still enjoy a good fantasy about magic and power and I’m still drawn to living outside of time…but my definitions and understanding have changed.  See, I used to love the idea of literal magic, creating something from nothing with simply a thought or a chant, maybe a few ingredients.  Now I appreciate the natural element.  I understand the magic that is inherently here.  See, magic isn’t about waving a wand and making things we want appear.  Magic comes from using our gifts to create the life we envision.  It’s owning the power we are all gifted with to alchemize and create the life we are meant to have.  It doesn’t look the same for everyone.  Think about how when you’re really into a project time seems to disappear.  That is living beyond time.  Think about writing a story or building something.  That is creating something from nothing.  Think about passing on information or teaching people.  That is living forever. 

Magic isn’t just about the power or manipulating space/time/elements. It’s about embracing the gifts we have, what we were given on our arrival to this Earth, and making a life out of it.  At the most basic level, our existence is magical and we need to remember that.  Yeah, it’s cool to have power and manipulate energy, but it’s even cooler to create our own vibration and tap into that.  Honestly, that IS the magic we seek.  We have had that power all along, Dorothy.  The first time I read “The Alchemist,” I got pissed because the main character went through all of that crap to find out what he sought was right where had started.  I was angry because I was looking to escape from where I was at the time I loved the idea of taking off to seek my treasure so I didn’t want to hear it was right at home all along.  But there is truth in that.  There is power that we are taught to bury and we often need to leave to expose it and then we can come back.  There goes me wanting to get right to the point again and not enjoying the journey.

Humans are capable of amazing things.  Our greatest gift is to be able to bring forth our inherent power and share it with the world.  Our greatest gift really does come right from the home, the home of who we are at our core.  Sometimes we need a nudge outside of our shells, outside of the things we do to protect ourselves in order to understand what we are meant to do.  We have to remember who we are in order to experience the magic here.  It isn’t about control or proving anything.  There is magic simply in being.  We don’t have to escape to a fantasy world (although it is incredibly fun to imagine what that world would really be like) in order to experience the fullness of who we are.  We can change the way the world works through sharing our experience.  How magical is that?

Life in our house has been a little wonky for my liking lately.  I still feel a bit unsteady as I’m learning to practice the love I’ve been talking about, learning to accept who I am, learning to define my boundaries, and still trying to figure out hat happens from here.  All I can do is focus on myself at this point and I have to allow the cards to fall where they may—not easy for a control freak, people-pleaser.  I also have to learn to make decisions from my core, my knowing, rather than waiting for my husband to decide how he wants to proceed.  I have to do what’s right for me.  Overnight things can change—really anything can change in the blink of an eye.

The past few months have been filled with lessons, mainly about things I need to change and address and things I need to accept in other people changing as well.  That in itself has been challenging because I thought I was on the right course for a long time.  I didn’t really think to consider HOW off I was on certain things.  I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto, and I didn’t realize how unhealthy that was.  I was still holding grudges and it was destroying me and my relationships.  What I thought was normal had made me blind to what was hurting those around me, even though I thought I was doing things for the right reason, or that I was owed something.  No matter how “right” I was, the way I was going about it was wrong.  All of this is why things are still slightly uncomfortable here. 

So, right in the middle of evolving and learning in this awkwardness, we celebrated my husband’s birthday.  It fell during the work week so we didn’t really have anything planned.  I had already gotten him a gift several weeks back that he’s been enjoying.  I still wanted to do a little something even though we both worked, so I took him and our son out to dinner.  While we were eating, my son slipped and said, “Daddy bought you a gift, it’s a watch!”  More awkwardness ensued as I tried to keep things calm because my husband got really frustrated that our kid had just spoiled a gift.  And, honestly, I was confused at why my husband was getting me a gift when we were talking about not exchanging for Christmas this year.  In the end I know this was a gesture in his own way of telling me he still cares. 

I’m not a watch person and I really hadn’t gotten on the smart watch trend, so I was also a little confused why he had gotten me something he thought I would like instead of something he knows I would like.  But I decided to give it a try.  After wearing it and seeing all it can do, I was both impressed and touched.  My husband knows that I’m trying to take care of myself and make healthier decisions and I didn’t realize the extent of information that this thing would show about my health.  This gift wasn’t just about something he thought was good for me, it was actually good for me.  It was just in a different perspective than I was used to. Another reminder/lesson for me.  Practice what I preach and remain open to things around me. 

Healing requires a lot of work and patience.  It requires getting to the root and learning to move forward on new ground.  It means learning to walk again.  It means redefining what works and what doesn’t and who we are in this season.  That’s all ok.  it’s all necessary.  Sometimes we need a kick in the ass to learn and accept things and just trust that all is ok.  Our perspectives aren’t always right, even if we are trying to protect ourselves.  So this watch isn’t just a watch.  It’s a symbol of healing on many levels, physically, mentally, emotionally.  And it’s a symbol that all is ok or that it will be, even if it looks a little different.  Healing, breaking habits, and learning new ones takes time and dedication.  I’m grateful to have that reminder on my wrist.

The universe sends us reminders in different ways.  It also sends confirmation about the path we are on in different ways as well.  I’ve written the last two days about finding ourselves and doing the work from within to recognize who we are.  As I was writing the last piece, an ad came on for a piece of exercise/yoga equipment I’m considering and it plays a song asking, “When are you gonna love, really love yourself?”  Since this has been the theme on my mind the last few days, I took this as encouragement to continue to examine this path. 

Love is used far too frequently and is often open to interpretation.  We are told who to love, what love is right, when to love, that loving ourselves is selfish, that we have to earn love, that pure love only comes from a single source, that we have a limit on love, that we have NO limit on love for certain people and children, that there is too much love, that love is clingy, that love means allowing anything.  The work and understanding around love is an absolute mess.  That isn’t even including the work that exists on physical love and expression.  It’s exhausting just writing it, but it makes the point that we aren’t clear on what love is, even to at this stage in the game.  Most of us understand we have strong feelings one way or another but we don’t truly understand what those feelings mean.  So let’s dive into what I mean for a little bit.

I fully believe there are different types of love.  The love of the universe and/or spiritual love, the love of a parent, the love of people, the specific love of a person, the love of doing something, the love required of ourselves.  Same word, different contexts for the emotion.  Sometimes it’s a feeling we truly can’t explain but we KNOW we feel something that draws us to that person/thing.  It’s easy to feel that way toward something external, we rarely look at what draws us to ourself.  We rarely examine the qualities about ourselves worth loving—we are trained to see the negative so we tend to move toward what’s “wrong” over accepting who we are.  The truth is, love is that feeling of warmth, compassion, and excitement that lights us up.  It’s an understanding and a tolerance for certain ambiguity as we learn our lessons and it’s also setting the boundary on who we are (and respecting it).  It’s discipline to see things through. It’s an awareness of where we need to change while knowing who we are at our core. Why can’t we turn that towards ourselves?      

Showing tolerance and acceptance for who we are can be a scary thing.  We’ve been taught to please others, to become who/what suits others in any given moment.  We’ve been taught to do things other people want.  We’ve been taught to do anything but accept who we are.  So love starts with that.  Learning and accepting who we are.  Not that we aren’t flawed, but learning to love those pieces as well and see the value of their contribution to our person.  I believe we can’t truly love others until we learn to love ourselves.  We can experience the rush of being with/around others, but loving them requires a different openness, and to know that, we have to have and hold that openness for ourselves as well.  We first practice that for ourselves before we know how to do it for others otherwise we get trampled and lost.

So if you need a reason to find yourself again, this is it.  If you need a reason to learn to love again, this is it.  We can’t do anything from the heart (or at least we can’t do it well) if we don’t know the true value of love.  Love is the key to finding our way in this universe as we open our authenticity—it’s the trust we have that we are on our way.  Take time to learn those things about ourselves and practice applying them to other people as well.  You will get more comfortable and the universe will open.  Start with you.

“The ultimate manifestation is the creation of you,” Ashmi Path.  An excellent follow up to our talk yesterday, the question about who we are and why comes from another question- Who are you really and who do you want to be?  We have to get beyond what we look like and defining ourselves by what we do and start examining how we want to feel.  We are trained to create labels for ourselves from a really young age in order to make other people comfortable.  We are led to believe they need to understand us before we truly understand ourselves.  Society does a great job of having us ignore our feelings.  In some regards we’ve gone the other way with this and try to make everyone feel good no matter what (everyone gets a trophy culture) and this is just as detrimental.  It isn’t about creating a false sense of worth, it’s about learning who we are from the inside out so we no longer need validation.

We are allowed to ask who we want to be and we are allowed to change and evolve and become something else when that skin no longer fits.  Ashmi says it beautifully, “You are your own home.  In this life and beyond, your soul is your home.  How do you want to feel in your home?”.  She goes on to remind us that we all know what it feels like to be unwelcome, we know what it feels like to be at war with our mind, pushing beyond our limits and feeling like it’s still not enough.  How often do we find ourselves trying to prove that we belong or that we worth something more?  What happens when we feel joy and acceptance for who we are?    

We didn’t come here to fit in a box.  We are meant to explore all the potential of our soul and bring it to light.  We are meant to break every box the world tires to put us in.  We are meant to awaken and unleash the magic that is inherently in our souls. There are reasons we are attracted to certain things, certain professions, certain ways of helping or leading people, or simply ways of expressing ourselves that seem like magic.  The truth is, it’s all magic.  We are given clues in all of those ways, in all of the things we are attracted to because we are meant to fulfill a purpose.  We are given questions and things we are innately curious about—those are clues as well.  The longer we spend discovering the answers, the greater sense of self we have.  This isn’t about being selfish, this is about fulfilling your purpose.  Our purpose is always to be more fully who we are and to share that gift with the world.

So when we ask ourselves why we do anything, or the kind of life we want to have, we have to feel our way around the person we want to be.  We have to learn to become that person.  We also have to look at the broader picture.  We tend to paint things in either to narrow or too broad of strokes and both situations limit who we are; it doesn’t capture the full essence and all the colors in between.  We are ever evolving and we have to allow for that.  We aren’t supposed to create our own boxes either.  We are meant to live in our bodies and express our souls whatever that looks like.  Get in touch with who you want to be and that is enough to lead you where you need to go.  The answers are always within.

I’m reading, Start With Why By Simon Sinek and it triggered why the why is so important.  The why isn’t simply a reason to do something, it’s about who you are.  It’s a lifestyle around the person you want to be or say you are.  Yes, for some this means having a particular car or wearing particular clothes.  For others this is their reason for being.  Who they are allows them to see questions in their field others wouldn’t think of and it allows them to see the solutions as well.  Sinek used the example of when railroads dominated the country.  It was the premier way to travel and send goods and services as well as send communication.  But the railroads viewed themselves as simply being in the railroad business.  Sinek poses the question, “What if they had thought of themselves as being in the mas transit business?”  They would have seen other opportunities and perhaps have not been replaced by other means of transport like the plane.

Sinek does a great job of tying the practical/literal/business world to the personal/emotional/inside world.  He talks about the purpose of any business or the goal of any leader and the clarity needed to fulfill that purpose.  It’s about the feeling generated from being that person. So we are talking in slightly more scientific terms about spreading the light.  This is about igniting that spark in others simply by being who we are.  Our why always starts with being of service and using our gifts to the highest capacity.  Diane Rogers calls that bringing your best self to meet their best self.  When people match that energy and have an aligned purpose or goal, there is nothing that stops the magic from unfolding.  But the reason behind it is key.  We have a choice about the energy and the intent we bring to a room.  It doesn’t simply happen.  Sometimes it feels that way, but we can always manage our emotion/reactions and shift what’s happening around us.

Knowing who we are, what we value, who we want to be, and identifying how we live up to those things makes all the difference in the world.  We can’t say we are a writer and never sit down and do the work.  We can’t say we care about people and do things that hurt them.  We can’t say we accept people as they are in the midst of trying to change them.  But when we show up with clear intent and match that intent with our actions, the world opens up to us.  And, quite frankly, it opens the world to others as well.  THAT is why the why is so important.  There are infinite possibilities in the world, in the universe and we are but one of them.  We have the opportunity to try and fail and try again at expressing our purpose.  But that begins with knowing ourselves and our values.  We are given a guide to that and that’s knowing how we feel and how to moderate that so we know when we are aligned.

The why isn’t just about finishing a task or creating a product and being done.  It’s about caring how the work impacts those around us.  It’s adapting to what will be best for people in the respect of enhancing your gifts, not changing who you are to fit in.  When you can bring your gift out and that brings their gift out, then you are in a state of absolute flow.  Knowing when to pivot comes naturally and you don’t become like the railroad Sinek talks about.  Your way of thinking and living never becomes outdated or outmoded and adaptation becomes effortless because it isn’t about getting something done, it’s about creating a new way of being.  The why is the deepest expression of who we are made real.    

In the work of self-growth, self-love, self-compassion, we learn about ourselves and how to bring forward the best parts of us.  We don’t ignore the darker parts, or the things we consider flaws, but we emphasize the strengths.  Part of our conversation the other day was about developing awareness for what we will and will not accept in our lives.  There’s a reason we are looking up the meaning of words like gaslighting more and more frequently.  We know we deserve more and we know when we are being treated poorly.  We know when we treat ourselves poorly as well.  It’s easier to point fingers than accept what we do to ourselves, but we need to take responsibility for what we allowed in our lives, including our own thoughts. 

The other morning I was commuting to my 9-5 and really getting on a roll about how much I hate traffic and how people are stupid etc., etc.  Something stopped me in my running inner tirade and asked, “What if you just saw the wonder of the moment?  What if you just saw this for what it is?  I wonder what would happen if you just let it be.”  I have no idea where that came from.  I’m glad that voice spoke, however, because as soon as the question was there, I realized what I had been doing to myself.  I’d been making myself miserable every day.  I can’t change the commute or the time I leave, but I can change where I’m at mentally with it.  The truth is I get to see the sun every morning.  I get to drive over rivers and through fields, and see the hawks, and the light.  Those are some pretty powerful things to experience. 

As the universe does, I happened to be going to a work conference the next day.  The conference was called, “Leading hArtfully”  and it was about leadership with heart.  It specifically addressed how to work with people by bringing out the best in them and bringing your best to the table.  The author and speaker talked about this experience of wonder and keeping eyes open to the every day miracles we experience.  Now, what caught my attention was the phrasing of the voice I had heard the day before.  It literally used the word “wonder” in a context I don’t normally use.  I use “awe” or “synchronicity” or “power,” but I seldom use wonder. That in itself is a synchronicity and a gift.  There is always something good in every situation as long as we turn our attention to it.  We need to train our eyes and our minds to find that.

The world is a pretty magical place, the universe even more so.  We get to be here in this place in this time and turn things around for ourselves and others.  And we can do all of that simply by calibrating our mindset and focusing on the good we are graced with.  Look at the magic of hearing a message and then having reaffirmed the very next day.  That in itself is a wonderous moment.  That is more than a synchronicity, that is a divine moment.  And there is wonder and miracles in the mundane.  There is a miracle in being alive.  If you are here, your heart still beating, and air in your lungs then you are here for a reason, you have purpose.  Feel the wonder in that.  Don’t worry about what constitutes wonder to someone else, find the magic in your day and let it guide you.

Today I am grateful to celebrate.  We don’t get to see my husband’s side of the family often and we got to spend the afternoon with them.  When I was younger we used to have this rigid structure to how we did things.  Certain celebrations were at certain times and that was just how we did things.  I love the flexibility of learning as I get older and I love seeing things done differently.  This may seem like a pretty basic learning curve to most of you, but celebrating at a different time is newer to me and I really enjoy it.  I love to celebrate anyway and having time with family is really special.

Today I am grateful for things turning out.  I was in a near meltdown spiral yesterday about getting things done.  The house has been a disaster for weeks with setting up and preparing for the holidays and it finally got to me.  With having the different schedule for celebrating I mentioned above, the only issue that truly does arise is coordinating the big events/prep before they happen.  Like, having presents bought and wrapped at different times or having major portions of food ready at different times.  My husband never really grew up celebrating the way I did (and he’s naturally more flexible than I am) so he is more comfortable in chaos.  Also, he doesn’t do any of the prep so it’s easier for him to navigate.  Regardless, I communicated with him, and while it didn’t get done on my timeline, it all got done with his help with the exception of a few little things.  But all is well.

Today I am grateful for change.  As time moves on, I am acutely aware of how much time has passed.  It does no good worrying about that window, though because we can’t go back.  I spent a lot of time preparing gifts for my great-nephew and we are passing on some of my son’s toys.  It breaks my heart to see them go.  I have all of the memories associated with them, I see my son at that age, I know how excited he was to have those things and it’s challenging to put that all away.  I am grateful for what I have now, and the way to enjoy now is to be present.  So, I spent a lot of time playing “I Spy” with my son last night and we laughed and laughed and cuddled.  It was a real moment of presence.  So I am working on not getting wrapped up in the THINGS that hold the memories and working on creating and holding the memories. 

Today I am grateful for focus.  I’ve said this a million times, but I feel the gratitude every time I’m able to come back to the realization that all is fine as long as I focus on one thing at a time.  I always think I can take everything on at once.  I mean, it’s becoming a toxic trait in that I overwhelm myself, I let myself down, I probably let others down to a degree, and I get frustrated.  I know this, I try to practice this awareness, and I still fall back into this habit at every chance I get.  I think it’s an escape from doing the self work, and it’s also a means of proving that I haven’t been able to let go of.  In so many ways I find my worth in doing more and taking on more than I can chew, going above and beyond.  I want to be the one to do it all because that’s how I’m seen as capable.  The reality is, it makes me miserable and frustrated, and it keeps me stuck, and it feels heavy. So I’m grateful to do things that require I slow down and care for myself.  I’m grateful to find the practices to be healthy.  I’m grateful to trust I can still get where I want to go doing one thing, one step at a time.

Today I am grateful for limits.  Along with focus, I am grateful to understand my limits better.  I’m grateful to understand where I want to spend my time and, quite frankly, where I am able to spend my time.  Our rabbit passed several months ago and the couple who sold him to us reached out through some friends yesterday to let us know that they have another rabbit they would give us for free.  My heart swelled because I love animals and this poor guy was surrendered by his owner.  Plus, the couple are SUCH sweet people, they were really upset hearing that the original rabbit they sold us had been sick and they didn’t know it.  Surprisingly, my husband’s initial reaction was to take the animal and my first reaction was no.  Yes, it hurt to say that, but I got really honest and told him I simply don’t have the time or capacity to do it.  He offered to help with this rabbit and I still said no.  It isn’t fair to take him on and leave him in his cage all the time.  It comes down to focus and learning how to not overwhelm myself and to know what is best for others.  I may have the best intentions but it wouldn’t be right for others. 

Today I am grateful for learning me.  I’ve been too delicate and sheltered on certain things in my life.  I realize how much trauma I faced as a child and I’ve been seeking to protect myself ever since.  I witnessed things no child should have seen and it really did a number on my mind.  I spent my whole life taking on and doing and doing to find my worth, to show others my worth, but I found excuse after excuse to not move forward on the things I wanted to do because I didn’t feel safe in my ability to navigate through that on my own.  Now I’m learning a new vulnerability.  A new way to find myself.  It’s harder than I thought it would be and it’s embarrassing.  I see videos of 20 somethings taking on the world and here I am double that just taking these steps.  But I’m still glad I’m doing it.  It’s better than sitting in my shell forever.  This is the experience of life, and it’s better late than never.  So I move forward, as slow as it may be, and I welcome the life that is waiting for me.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I happened across an article the other day about gaslighting and it stopped me in my tracks.  The article was titled, “Word of the year 2022: Gaslighting.”  First of all I never knew there was such a thing as “word of the year.”  Secondly, what a word.  I had written a piece on gaslighting a while back as well, so this is definitely on the brain.  They chose this word because searches for this word in particular on their website have spiked by 1740%.  Yes, that is an almost 2000% increase in searching for gaslighting.  They define the word as the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage (merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/word-of-the-year).  I think the timing of this word couldn’t be more appropriate.  The act has always existed.  People have always sought to manipulate things for their advantage and people have always turned other’s beliefs/kindness against them.  I’m using people as a general term, not to reference the entire population, just that the act of gaslighting itself has always existed.

What I also noticed is that people are trying their hardest to define what is happening in the world right now.  We are evolving and interacting with each other differently.  We are learning that human behavior can change and we are acknowledging our inner knowing more—including when we know someone’s treatment/behavior towards us is wrong.  We have a greater understanding of the manipulation happening to us and that it’s ALL around us know via media, work, people we aren’t that close to, and even those we are close to.  And the truth is, we even do it to ourselves.  How often do we feel we aren’t able to do something?  How often do we feel we need to be perfect before sharing something?  How often do we feel we need to be perfect before we shar who we are? 

I started asking other questions around this as well.  Why do we gaslight?  WHO gaslights?  Do we love to live in this victimhood to a degree?  Especially if we ARE doing it to ourselves…I mean, why would we stay in the habit if we didn’t like to garner support somehow.  The act of being gaslit can turn into more gaslighting based on the definition above.  Well, when you’re learning to love yourself again, and you see how you’ve played a roll in your victimhood, you have to learn to tell a new story.  What happens when you know you deserve better?  Suddenly gaslighting isn’t an option anymore, for yourself, or to accept it in your life.  People tend to know when they are doing something wrong and a relationship can’t survive if one person doesn’t have that self-awareness to see the pain they are causing.  So when you tell a new story, we have to be open to receive it and we have to be willing to walk away.

It’s also key to recognize this behavior in other people.  We can’t have expectations that they will wake up to what they do (I mean, it WOULD be nice).  We have to set the boundary ourselves. We have to stick with that boundary as well.  I think the reason gaslighting is word of the year is because we are waking up to what is happening around us and we are waking up to the fact that we deserve better in all arenas of our lives.  We deserve more than asking for permission for time off, we deserve more than begging our partners/friends/family to hold their weight.  We are creating an awareness around things that no longer serve.  The human animal is complicated and we need to put language to what is happening.  The more we understand, the more we can evolve and change and redefine what is acceptable and what isn’t.  It’s not just about who we are, it’s about what we do.  And we are clearly saying we are aware and want a different human experience.  So let’s stop gaslighting each other, and let’s stop doing it to ourselves.  Wake up to our power and believe in it—don’t let anyone take that.