The Watch

Photo by Nikolaos Dimou on

Life in our house has been a little wonky for my liking lately.  I still feel a bit unsteady as I’m learning to practice the love I’ve been talking about, learning to accept who I am, learning to define my boundaries, and still trying to figure out hat happens from here.  All I can do is focus on myself at this point and I have to allow the cards to fall where they may—not easy for a control freak, people-pleaser.  I also have to learn to make decisions from my core, my knowing, rather than waiting for my husband to decide how he wants to proceed.  I have to do what’s right for me.  Overnight things can change—really anything can change in the blink of an eye.

The past few months have been filled with lessons, mainly about things I need to change and address and things I need to accept in other people changing as well.  That in itself has been challenging because I thought I was on the right course for a long time.  I didn’t really think to consider HOW off I was on certain things.  I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto, and I didn’t realize how unhealthy that was.  I was still holding grudges and it was destroying me and my relationships.  What I thought was normal had made me blind to what was hurting those around me, even though I thought I was doing things for the right reason, or that I was owed something.  No matter how “right” I was, the way I was going about it was wrong.  All of this is why things are still slightly uncomfortable here. 

So, right in the middle of evolving and learning in this awkwardness, we celebrated my husband’s birthday.  It fell during the work week so we didn’t really have anything planned.  I had already gotten him a gift several weeks back that he’s been enjoying.  I still wanted to do a little something even though we both worked, so I took him and our son out to dinner.  While we were eating, my son slipped and said, “Daddy bought you a gift, it’s a watch!”  More awkwardness ensued as I tried to keep things calm because my husband got really frustrated that our kid had just spoiled a gift.  And, honestly, I was confused at why my husband was getting me a gift when we were talking about not exchanging for Christmas this year.  In the end I know this was a gesture in his own way of telling me he still cares. 

I’m not a watch person and I really hadn’t gotten on the smart watch trend, so I was also a little confused why he had gotten me something he thought I would like instead of something he knows I would like.  But I decided to give it a try.  After wearing it and seeing all it can do, I was both impressed and touched.  My husband knows that I’m trying to take care of myself and make healthier decisions and I didn’t realize the extent of information that this thing would show about my health.  This gift wasn’t just about something he thought was good for me, it was actually good for me.  It was just in a different perspective than I was used to. Another reminder/lesson for me.  Practice what I preach and remain open to things around me. 

Healing requires a lot of work and patience.  It requires getting to the root and learning to move forward on new ground.  It means learning to walk again.  It means redefining what works and what doesn’t and who we are in this season.  That’s all ok.  it’s all necessary.  Sometimes we need a kick in the ass to learn and accept things and just trust that all is ok.  Our perspectives aren’t always right, even if we are trying to protect ourselves.  So this watch isn’t just a watch.  It’s a symbol of healing on many levels, physically, mentally, emotionally.  And it’s a symbol that all is ok or that it will be, even if it looks a little different.  Healing, breaking habits, and learning new ones takes time and dedication.  I’m grateful to have that reminder on my wrist.

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