Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to celebrate.  We don’t get to see my husband’s side of the family often and we got to spend the afternoon with them.  When I was younger we used to have this rigid structure to how we did things.  Certain celebrations were at certain times and that was just how we did things.  I love the flexibility of learning as I get older and I love seeing things done differently.  This may seem like a pretty basic learning curve to most of you, but celebrating at a different time is newer to me and I really enjoy it.  I love to celebrate anyway and having time with family is really special.

Today I am grateful for things turning out.  I was in a near meltdown spiral yesterday about getting things done.  The house has been a disaster for weeks with setting up and preparing for the holidays and it finally got to me.  With having the different schedule for celebrating I mentioned above, the only issue that truly does arise is coordinating the big events/prep before they happen.  Like, having presents bought and wrapped at different times or having major portions of food ready at different times.  My husband never really grew up celebrating the way I did (and he’s naturally more flexible than I am) so he is more comfortable in chaos.  Also, he doesn’t do any of the prep so it’s easier for him to navigate.  Regardless, I communicated with him, and while it didn’t get done on my timeline, it all got done with his help with the exception of a few little things.  But all is well.

Today I am grateful for change.  As time moves on, I am acutely aware of how much time has passed.  It does no good worrying about that window, though because we can’t go back.  I spent a lot of time preparing gifts for my great-nephew and we are passing on some of my son’s toys.  It breaks my heart to see them go.  I have all of the memories associated with them, I see my son at that age, I know how excited he was to have those things and it’s challenging to put that all away.  I am grateful for what I have now, and the way to enjoy now is to be present.  So, I spent a lot of time playing “I Spy” with my son last night and we laughed and laughed and cuddled.  It was a real moment of presence.  So I am working on not getting wrapped up in the THINGS that hold the memories and working on creating and holding the memories. 

Today I am grateful for focus.  I’ve said this a million times, but I feel the gratitude every time I’m able to come back to the realization that all is fine as long as I focus on one thing at a time.  I always think I can take everything on at once.  I mean, it’s becoming a toxic trait in that I overwhelm myself, I let myself down, I probably let others down to a degree, and I get frustrated.  I know this, I try to practice this awareness, and I still fall back into this habit at every chance I get.  I think it’s an escape from doing the self work, and it’s also a means of proving that I haven’t been able to let go of.  In so many ways I find my worth in doing more and taking on more than I can chew, going above and beyond.  I want to be the one to do it all because that’s how I’m seen as capable.  The reality is, it makes me miserable and frustrated, and it keeps me stuck, and it feels heavy. So I’m grateful to do things that require I slow down and care for myself.  I’m grateful to find the practices to be healthy.  I’m grateful to trust I can still get where I want to go doing one thing, one step at a time.

Today I am grateful for limits.  Along with focus, I am grateful to understand my limits better.  I’m grateful to understand where I want to spend my time and, quite frankly, where I am able to spend my time.  Our rabbit passed several months ago and the couple who sold him to us reached out through some friends yesterday to let us know that they have another rabbit they would give us for free.  My heart swelled because I love animals and this poor guy was surrendered by his owner.  Plus, the couple are SUCH sweet people, they were really upset hearing that the original rabbit they sold us had been sick and they didn’t know it.  Surprisingly, my husband’s initial reaction was to take the animal and my first reaction was no.  Yes, it hurt to say that, but I got really honest and told him I simply don’t have the time or capacity to do it.  He offered to help with this rabbit and I still said no.  It isn’t fair to take him on and leave him in his cage all the time.  It comes down to focus and learning how to not overwhelm myself and to know what is best for others.  I may have the best intentions but it wouldn’t be right for others. 

Today I am grateful for learning me.  I’ve been too delicate and sheltered on certain things in my life.  I realize how much trauma I faced as a child and I’ve been seeking to protect myself ever since.  I witnessed things no child should have seen and it really did a number on my mind.  I spent my whole life taking on and doing and doing to find my worth, to show others my worth, but I found excuse after excuse to not move forward on the things I wanted to do because I didn’t feel safe in my ability to navigate through that on my own.  Now I’m learning a new vulnerability.  A new way to find myself.  It’s harder than I thought it would be and it’s embarrassing.  I see videos of 20 somethings taking on the world and here I am double that just taking these steps.  But I’m still glad I’m doing it.  It’s better than sitting in my shell forever.  This is the experience of life, and it’s better late than never.  So I move forward, as slow as it may be, and I welcome the life that is waiting for me.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

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