My son and I had a tough day the other day.  We weren’t jiving at all.  He is five now so whatever he wants, goes, in his mind and it is a struggle to find the balance between letting him be who he is and maintaining my sanity when it comes to protecting his safety or teaching him responsible habits.  I get it.  He’s five.  He wants to play and that is his priority.  He’s also an only child and he doesn’t have a lot of friends his age so he requires a lot of attention.  I mean, he’s spent the majority of his life in COVID restrictions so he hasn’t had much opportunity to make friends and find himself that way.  That means he also has had many outlets for energy so breaking some of his habits is already a challenge. 

Regardless, when we were in the middle of an argument that I had been trying to avoid (I’m human and I caved) I said something I shouldn’t have.  I instantly knew that it hurt him and my heart sank thinking this may have been one of those moments that scar him.  I am NOT proud of it but we know how parenting is at times.  He replied to me, “I’m scared I will never be comfortable again!”.  My heart sank even further.  Those were the words I have uttered to myself for ages.  And as I do the healing work, I see that so many of my habits have been about self-soothing and finding comfort.  I also wanted stability and safety but that all started with things that would calm me down after experiencing some of the trauma and loss I did as a child. 

Now my mind went in an entirely different direction.  They say that we get the children we need and that our children choose us to express their life purpose/lessons.  This was a huge one for me.  One of my lessons IS learning to comfort my inner child, and here I have my living and breathing child expressing the exact fears that I have my entire life.  It was heart wrenching.  I saw without any doubt in that moment that I had passed on something I was working on breaking.  The generational fear of loss and insecurity.  The insecurity we feel about ourselves expresses as the need for material things and my son already has that habit as well. 

I’m so sad that it happened but I am also grateful.  Number one, it taught me that sometimes our inner child is expressed through children.  That is the point—they are aware of the things we started denying in ourselves long ago and they help us bring it to the surface.  Number two, it taught me that I still have things to work through.  Number three, I can work through those things with my son and help him learn to look for security in himself.  Number four, it is not too late.  I will continue to make mistakes and probably do things that WILL scar him but that is part of this journey as well.  We teach those who come after us examples of both what to do and what not to do.  This isn’t a trauma for him if we can work through it together.

So while the words haunt me and scare me at how early they expressed in him, I am still grateful for the lesson and learning how to move forward with my child as well as my inner child. I need to express care for that being as well.  I hear the times I was told to grow up and the times I wasn’t allowed to fully be who I am because they expected me to be a little China doll to make their lives easier.  I see the times I do that to my kid as well.  But he isn’t a doll.  He is very real and he has emotions and thoughts and opinions and I need to learn to reconcile that it is ok for him to have the learning curve I was denied.  That is the greatest gift I can give him.  The ability to be himself.  Maybe in that practice, I can rekindle that in me as well. 

“You can buy a house but not a home.  You can buy a clock but not time.  You can buy a bed but not sleep.  You can buy food but not appetite.  You can buy a doctor but not good health.  You can have insurance but not safety.  This is the problem we all have.  There are things you can not buy with material wealth,” via wealth.  This is a timely follow up to yesterday’s piece.  On the path to healing we have to look at our habits and what we do to create safety.  We are all seeking safety on some level, it is the most primal instinct we have.  Whether we ignore what is happening around us, or we drink it away, or we argue it away, or shop it away, we all look for ways to feel better.  I’m guilty of thinking I’m creating safety through more and more material things.  But as we heal, we see that this material pursuit is only creating the illusion of safety.  So are the rest of the mechanisms we put in place to feel better.

This is all learned behavior and we can’t blame those who came before us because they were learning and expressing safety the best way they knew how.  It’s terrifying for us to come behind that and think we can change that behavior in ourselves because we question our ability.  That, too, is learned.  When we hold ourselves back from the idea we are protecting our physical/mental/emotional body, we disconnect from what they can really do.  We learn that from those around us—parents, other family, friends, school, work.  Our whole lives are spent with some sort of limitation put on us thinking it is keeping us safe.  Fleas have a huge vertical leap but if you place them in a jar for several days, they will never again jump higher than the lid.  What’s more is their offspring will never jump higher than their parents.  It is the same for us: we only go as high as we are taught and we can only be taught what other people know.  In order to learn, we have to experience our own journey.

The question then becomes not reconciling what we were taught, but what imaginary jars are we still living in? It’s an awakening, a stripping away of what we see as safety around us or what we see as necessary.  It’s a getting in touch with who we are to become who we are meant to be.  When we learn to prioritize what is on our path, what our purpose is, we look at the world a bit differently. Suddenly we aren’t looking for anything external to fulfill us because we understand that anything we have materially can be taken away. That rush we were looking for or that calmness we are looking for or whatever thing we thought we needed is either no longer necessary or it comes from within.  The real peace comes from being who we are meant to be. 

Remember in finding that peace that healing is cyclical. Things we thought we were over we see we stepped over like some sort of obstacle and now we see it again, larger than before and now we have to either go the other direction or we have to go around it in another way.  Some things we will see we can simply drop and leave behind.  Others we see were never meant for us.  Others we see we have to simply allow.  One day we realize we were not born with fear about the things we fear and they slowly start to lessen their hold on us.  Slowly the reality of who we are takes over and we see ourselves for who we are meant to be.  Then we are that person, not the façade of someone we were told to be.  There is no animosity or anger any longer, there is simply a coming to, an awakening and we arrive where we are meant to be: who we are.     

I’ve been looking for what I can do, what other ways to change my life by getting another degree a different job, something—but I don’t need a degree to change the world.   I don’t need a degree to get me into a system I know is broken and malfunctioning.  I need to reshape what I know is right with a different experience.  The system needs a different perspective.  The system needs my perspective, not my ability to blend into it.  You can’t break something by being part of it.  It’s the scariest moment of my life right now because I know I have to take this leap but I literally can’t see the next step.  I mean, that’s the point of the leap: you don’t always see what you’re going for.  Sometimes you just get a feeling and know you have to go in that direction. That’s the way we go and we trust it is right.   

We can’t approach something of this magnitude with the idea everyone has to do it our way.  No, we need to approach this as what we offer matters and we can offer something off the beaten path.  We can offer change and substance and simply show another way.  I used to think we could do it as some kind of inside job.  You know, adapt to the system, become a part of it,  and then reveal where it’s broken.  But that’s assuming we know what’s broken.  That’s reshaping something that doesn’t want to adapt.  Sometimes we have to know when we need to rebuild.  We have to know when to go for something else entirely.  It’s as I’ve said all along: it’s not about being right, it’s about doing what’s right.      Do that enough and people will learn from the example. 

We need to be our authentic self.  The world doesn’t need any more examples of people fitting in the system, it needs examples of a new system.  Being your authentic self means being comfortable with who you are and sharing that light and igniting that light in others and then letting them share their light and so on.  As we become comfortable with who we are, we create space for new possibilities both for ourselves and others.  We’ve done things the same way for ages and we feel that we need something new.  We do that by exactly that: trying something new.  As we heal, we get closer to the parts that were afraid of being seen and the more we allow them to be seen, the more authentic we feel.  Then we become who we are.  Heal the self first, then we heal the world. 

While we are small, that doesn’t mean we can do nothing.  We may not have an impact on the entire universe but we have a part in it, and we can always impact the universe for one person.  We have to get to this point for a reason.  I wrote about tragedy and love and the human condition yesterday and my anger that people are in a position where they can’t enjoy their lives or prioritize what is important to them because they have to prioritize the system.  I realized that my anger came because I felt completely helpless.  I envisioned my own parents in that position and it broke me down.  I mean, we have the collective to think about, yes, but if we continue to treat the individual as a cog in the machine, we lose our humanity.    

Life is this bittersweet mix of joy and pain, of happiness and sadness, of light and dark.  They say you can’t experience one without the other.  That you need both to understand the other.  That may be true because to have a true appreciation for something, you have to feel what it’s like without it.  But to see others suffer without something you have readily available, to see others suffer at the expense of some having and others NOT having is life changing and painful.  In this day and age there is more than enough to go around—we don’t need to continue perpetuating the greed in order to keep the system alive.  We may be tiny, but we can have an impact.  And I’d rather spend my time making sure that is a positive ripple versus repeating the same patterns.    

We may be small, we may be insignificant in the grand scheme of things with trillions of galaxies out there, we may be a blip in time but we all have a purpose.  Honestly, we may be genetic cogs in the system.  But I struggle to accept that we are cogs in a system that serves the idolatarized God of money over the humanity of people.  We are better.  We are more than that.  And what’s more is that we know it and we are trained out of it from the time we are little.  Share the stories of humanity, of love with everyone around you because we need a different tale.  We need a story of coming together to find a new way to make this work because the division between those who have and those who don’t is only growing.  We can’t forget the people who are doing their best, doing what they are told, and are still not allowed to thrive.

Let’s remind ourselves what is really going on: we are cognizant.  We have a certain scope of power.  We are able to awaken that power and make things better for everyone through serving our purpose.  For so many years we have been told that purpose is to generate money, buy a house, have kids, get all the things.  But what if that purpose was far simpler: what if we are meant to fulfill our capacity to each other through embracing our humanity?  Why did we have to put a dollar on our effort?  I mean, it served at the time and it allowed for an exchange of goods.  Absolutely.  But we have to question whether or not what we are doing is working by today’s standards, and from what I can see, it is not.  So not only are we cognizant, we are part of something greater.  Let’s redefine what it means to be great and how to make this a little better for everyone.  Let those who have learn to bring up those who have not.  Let us all have the ability to enjoy our lives without feeling like we need to prove our worth or that we have to earn it.   Let us love what we have and share that love with others. 

Sometimes my job is really rough.  Even though I’m not a clinical person, I am privy to many things that happen.  You build a certain tolerance to it after some years, specifically the really awful things.  You see things are a part of life.  Not that you become desensitized, but you understand it differently.  Then there are some moments that throw you a curve ball.  Those are the ones that really test who you are.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that healthcare is still a business and that is where it shows its greatest weakness.  For all of those moments of heroism, compassion, and love, there comes a time when you see healthcare as a machine like anything else we have.  I had a moment like that the other day and it shook me to my core.

As a leader in healthcare, I’m responsible for bringing on team members.  Again, I’m not a clinical person, so I deal with a lot of tech, insurance, registration, finance, and general navigation questions.  I’m not looking for the person looking to care, I’m looking for the person developing a different skill set: people.  We recently had a job fair because, like any market now, finding assistance is tricky.  Healthcare is something you have to want to do, even at the entry level.  One of my teammates was running the table and a candidate arrived.  This gentleman was clearly struggling—he was a bit older, he had a walker.  He was not your typical job fair attendee. As the conversation went on, my heart broke into pieces.  He definitely was beyond retirement but he suffered a stroke in March and he was looking for work because his wife is in a nursing home.

I want to be clear, it wasn’t pity I felt.  It was anger and sadness/devastation.  How in this day and age have we allowed for things to get to the point where people are in such a position?  I know people can say it’s a result of his own actions but this is beyond that.  Yes, people make mistakes and get themselves in some rough patches (I’m definitely guilty of that).  I’m not arguing that happens.  But how do we live in a society where there is no peace?  This man should be able to spend his days with his wife, making sure she is ok, making sure HIS health is ok.  Instead he is looking for work to supplement the costs of healthcare and the cost of living now.  This is a huge problem.

I’ve always rooted for the underdog and for those creating a new life for themselves, but this is beyond telling someone to feel better about themselves in order to find their life’s calling.  And who knows, maybe this is part of the plan for this gentleman, but that still didn’t sit right with me.  That still isn’t enough for me to feel better about the fact that so many people are in this position.  The fact that so many MORE will be in this position with how things are going today.  When do we collectively say, “Enough is enough!” and unite to change what is so clearly broken?  This isn’t us against each other.  This is us against a broken system.

We have to wake up and understand our part in it.  We all have needs and we all have things we are told we need.  We all buy into stories we are told about what it takes to survive and what thriving looks like.  We are told that we have it good but we sacrifice our time for money and then give up to 40% of that money to a system that doesn’t care for us—it distracts us while it does what it wants with our resources, time, sweat, and energy.  It pacifies us with things and the next latest and greatest, all as sleight of hand.  If you’re looking over there, you won’t notice what I’m doing over here! We have to WAKE UP!  Listen to the call of your heart and do what is right.  I don’t have the answers, but I DO know without any shadow of doubt that we feel something different and we know this is wrong.  We need something different and in order to do that, we need to get in touch with who we are and redefine what we need.  We can all contribute to the answer through finding our place, our purpose, in a new line of functioning.  Please, do the work you know is right, the calling.  Please help however you can.  Remember to be kind because there are so many battles you know nothing about.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted something about independence on Independence Day (mainly because it’s a tad cliché) but with the political climate, the slowly simmering revolution brewing, and all of the confusion, I just wanted to send a reminder to everyone: Find freedom in your heart and mind first.  Find the way to remind yourself every day that you are able to make a different decision and you can see what the circus is really about.  You can learn to ignore the sleight of hand and find your voice to question what you know is wrong.  You can celebrate what is right and focus on that.

Independence is, at its basic level, about freedom from any type of oppression and an ability to move freely.  Right now there are powers that seek to limit freedom on people and seek to give more protection to weapons than people.  It is our right to demand better.  What we are experiencing now is a reach for control because we see systems failing and breaking and all of these last minute attempts at controlling the people are poor strategies to bolster the egos of a select few.  We do not need to participate in this charade.  We are all grown and we all know how to manage ourselves—we need to stop questioning who we are and what we can do.

Real independence is exactly that: trusting ourselves enough to make the right decision and having the wherewithal to understand the impact of our actions.  We will never do it perfectly, we will always be the villain to some and the victor to others.  But we need to be the hero to ourselves and that comes from developing an extremely healthy relationship with self and unashamedly embracing who we are.  Independence is learning to discern when we are being bullshitted and when we know the truth—and when we know the truth, not being afraid to speak it.  So reclaim who you are without the interruption or distractions of daily life.  Be you.  Be wild.  Be fierce.  Be Free.

Today I am grateful for family.  For the first time in four years the entire family is together.  My sister is in from out of state and staying with us and we were all able to get together and spend quality time with all of us under the same roof.  I think of the moments that have been lost over the last four years, two because of COVID, and yes, it hurts.  But I think of the moments we just created together over this weekend and I am so grateful.  They will be remembered forever.

Today I am grateful for the reminder of where I come from.  I did some cleaning the other week and I found a tape of an old school project that I had done.  I had to interview someone about what it was like growing up in a different era.  I chose my grandmother at the time.  When I found the tape I couldn’t really bring myself to listen to it.  My grandmother has been gone four years now and there are moments it’s surreal.  We had a complicated relationship because, as loving as she was, she was also not the nicest of people.  Now that my siblings are all together, I decided it was time to listen.  Each of us experienced something different, but I know we all appreciated hearing her again.  I am grateful for the reminder of a different time, the person she was, and the love she carried in her own way.

Today I am grateful for feeling complete safety.  My husband had a really rough day and there is a lot of crap going on for him at work so he is a bit more stressed than usual.  He got home and we paused in where we were, didn’t let the fear get us, and we stepped into the little pool we have set up with our son.  We didn’t allow panic to overtake, we simply enjoyed each other, together, in the moment.  Those moments are so important to reinforce the idea that safety comes from within.  We create our little nests, our groups to get us through.  Safety is within ourselves and in our network. 

Today I am grateful to learn to love who I am.  I understand that the greatest experience of freedom comes from letting go of what people think of us.  We spend so much time worrying about what we look like and what people think of us that we forget what it really means to make our own decisions.  I’d bet it’s safe to say that we never really know what it’s like to make our own decisions.  We are given the illusion of freedom under the guise of fitting into a mold, all doing the same thing.  When we let go of the idea that others need to give us permission to be who we are, we learn something about ourselves and that is a gift.

Today I am grateful for life.  There are so many things we don’t understand.  Sometimes we are gifted with a good inkling, others we learn about the connection after the fact.  But the truth is we aren’t really sure of the purpose on this floating ball in the middle of space.  I wanted the answers, and yes, the curiosity is still there, but I am grateful in this moment to simply be alive and enjoy it.  There are so many things we can choose and I am grateful to have those choices and I am grateful to put together the life I envision for myself.  I am grateful to have the luxury of figuring out who I am and how to put that in place.  I am grateful to feel life in me and witness it around me.

Today I am grateful for ground.  I know where I stand and I know who I am, perhaps more than I thought I did.  At the same time I’m in this weird place where I’m figuring that out.  In spite of all of that, I am grateful to know exactly where I stand and the ground I want to be on, the space I create for myself.  I am grateful to have the life I do and the opportunities to create.  I am grateful for the experience and the love and the life that I feel.  I am grateful for everything that is me.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

A woman shared a story about two kittens she found on an adoption site and how she struggled with whether or not to get them.  She didn’t realize how much she wanted them until she saw them disappear from their site.  After searching a bit more she found them on the site and decided to get them.  After bringing them home, she realized they were a perfect fit for her family.  She ended her story by saying, “Sometimes my whims are your will.”  She was referring to a higher power, but I feel it’s appropriate to any sense—source, energy, universe, spirit, etc.  Any sense of knowing or guidance that we get.  Sometimes the things we don’t understand, the things we get are exactly what we need.    

Her phrasing (my whims are your will) brought me back to those moments when I really wanted something.  The moments I could feel the excitement, I anticipated, I fixated and I obsessed on some things.  I felt guilty about wanting some of those things and others, I completely gave into.  I never considered it was the will of something else compelling me—quite frankly I thought I may have a problem with compulsion 😊.  When I really thought about it, there were whims I know I could have refrained from.   But after reading that piece, I knew I had to reconsider some things.  Maybe things happened exactly as they were meant to.

I thought of the other side of the argument: If I gave into my whims and felt guilty, how often have I denied myself things I really wanted, thinking I would get it another day or I would have another chance?  How many things did I miss out on because I didn’t think it was “really” for me?  How many things did I watch pass me by because I didn’t think I was capable?  Or that I didn’t deserve it?  Ah.  Again, more things to reconsider.  If I felt guilty for getting things and regret for passing things over, then where is the middle?

What good does deprivation do us?  I’m not talking about self-control.  I’m talking about actually denying ourselves things that we know are for our own good or at the very least won’t hurt someone.  What about the things that are supporting our growth?  Or the things that we don’t know will support our growth?  We don’t know until we experience it.  But what good does excess do us?  It creates entitlement and self-serving, unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes we don’t know it’s too much until we experience that as well.   

Then for giggles, I see that I was raised to feel guilty for the things I wanted and even for the things I needed.  Somehow my humanity was made to feel more needy than others and that meant undeserving of anything. Everything needed to be earned.  Again, I was never really deprived of anything—my parents really did care, they were just confused about how to show it.  Living in an environment where I wasn’t truly deprived of anything but simultaneously made to feel guilty created a lot of confusion in my life.  So this quote put things in perspective.  It made me realize that we are human, I am human, and it is ok to have needs/wants and it is ok to even have impulses.  We aren’t meant to be perfect.  We get what we need.  Sometimes that whim is the will of something that will bring you exactly what and where you are meant to be.  Be gentle with yourself.

I had to take a different way home from work the other day and I noticed something: everyone is miserable.  No, not groundbreaking news, I know.  People were cutting me off left and right and, if I’m totally honest, I got frustrated for a few moments.  I am no stranger to road rage, but this was different.  I legitimately thought back to my time off and didn’t want to erase that beautiful progress.  So I took a breath and saw that people were rushing home.  I don’t know their stories.  Maybe they have someone at home they need to see or who is waiting for them.  Maybe they had a really rough day at work and needed to get out of there and when they couldn’t , they hit traffic. 

I understood them differently.  It wasn’t just about their stories, it was about the human behind the story.  I thought about how many times I’d been angry on the road and how crappy it felt.  I thought about how many times I just needed the sanctuary of my home and couldn’t get there fast enough.  I thought about how I was doing so many things that made me feel miserable.  For those people rushing to cut me off (in bumper to bumper traffic) it wasn’t about me at all.  It really isn’t ever personal.  They are just as unhappy as I’ve felt and so many of us feel trapped—we don’t know how to get out of that cycle so we have to repeat the same thing every day. 

We look at this as a normal part of life—but that isn’t life.  Stuck behind the wheel for hours, desperate to get a few cars ahead, only to repeat it all the next day, that isn’t what we are meant for.  We are meant to be so much freer than that.  I have respect for everyone who is stressed because we are all doing what we have to with what we know—and we do what we know to survive because we think that is how we have to live.  I have to ask what we think will happen if we choose to stop living that way.  What happens if we decide that the “normal” way of things isn’t working?  What if we all pressed pause and found that connection to ourselves?  Would you choose to do what you do right now?

If you wouldn’t do it, then you need to find something different.  I know I have to reconsider some things.  There is no shame in it.  There is no shame in a plan not working that you thought would be “it.”  There is no shame in picking up and trying something else.  We all know what it feels like to feel that way.  We all know what it feels like to be “stuck.”  So if we learn to give ourselves some grace and compassion for feeling that way, maybe we can start having that power with others as well.  We all just need some space to figure it out.  We can all choose to not live so stressed.  And we can all help those who express their stress differently.  We don’t need to be miserable.  We can change the narrative.

I’ve spoken many times about aligned action and fulfilling purpose.  I’ve also spoken about what it feels like to get what you need but I had a moment today with one of my employees that made me realize something: there is a huge difference between getting what we want and what we need.  When we get what we want there is always something else that we think will fulfill us, something else that will take off the edge, something else we think will make us happy or fill some void.  But the feeling we get when we get what we need is totally unlike that.  There is an excitement in getting what we want—it’s a thrill and there is a chase with it.  There is a calmness when we get what we need.

As I’ve shared, I recently took a week off of work and I treated that time off very differently than I have treated any other time off.  My days were still absolutely packed and we were busy but it wasn’t the kind of busy that merely keeps you distracted.  It was the kind of busy where you are making progress on things you need to.  In my case, it was about healing and self-care and learning to experience joy again.  It was about realizing what was good for me.  When I met with my employee, she made the comment, “It’s so hard to come back to work after a week off.”  I knew exactly what she meant and she is right—after not living on a schedule for nine days it’s hard to get back to your routine and there are ALWAYS things you want to be doing.  But I honestly felt something different this time.  No, I wasn’t jumping for joy to go back, but I didn’t have that dread, that weight in my stomach.

I told my employee, “It wasn’t that bad, I got exactly what I needed.”  And that is the truth.  The time off was some of the most cathartic time I’ve had in years.  No, it wasn’t perfect, yes my mind still ran, but I was able to get in touch with the parts of me I felt were missing.  Parts I only heard whispers from.  I feel like if I had taken another week off in the same vein, continuing on that pattern, I would have probably gotten to the root of everything.  I’m not lamenting, it was just THAT helpful for me.  I didn’t honestly have a plan for the time off other than to do things that made me happy and to try new things to connect with myself.  When you see yourself on that level it feels different.  It feels authentic.  Suddenly you see people differently as well. 

My time off also led me to see things that I want for myself and things I don’t.  I got to try on things I fantasized about previously, things I thought might fit me or things I wanted to pursue.  It felt good.  It was a different kind of excitement—it was more like puzzle pieces falling together and getting clarity as opposed to skydiving.  All the things I’ve looked for suddenly seemed to look a bit clearer.  I was able to redirect my sail and it felt good.  Of course I could have used more—we all could—especially when you are so close to a breakthrough.  But sometimes what we get is enough.  I know for me, pointing in the right direction felt more complete than checking off a bunch of things for work.  There is a completeness when we get what we need instead of what we want—and that is the way to go.