Today I am immensely grateful for my senses.  The feeling of being in my office working on my projects and what that means for the future.  The vision of the future.  The taste of the present and how all of this is unfolding.  The senses are a remarkable grounding tool and it’s so easy to forget what they teach us.  I’m grateful for the reminders.

Today I am grateful to see.  I am grateful to see options I didn’t previously know existed.  I am grateful to see life as it really is.  I am grateful to see the path clearing and to know which way makes the most sense for us.  I am grateful to see what the present has for us and what the future holds.  I am grateful to see where I still need to learn and where I have to slow down.  I am grateful to see I don’t have to do it all and that where I’m at is where I’m meant to be.  I am grateful to see those around me for who they really are and to see those who are my people and will support me no matter what.

Today I am grateful to feel.  I am grateful to feel the presence of this moment.  I am grateful to feel my son cuddled against me and to feel the time we have together spent well.  I am grateful to feel full of this life and to know there is more to come.  I am grateful to feel the sensations of my body telling me what I need.  I am grateful to feel the sensation of settling into my own skin rather than settling for what cards are dealt.  I am grateful to feel the range of emotions I have because it means I’m alive, I’m aware and that I give a damn about this life. 

Today I am grateful to taste.  I am grateful to be literally satiated and to share that blessing with others.  I am grateful to taste what life has to offer.  I am grateful to taste what it’s like on the other side of fear and what it takes to create the life we want.  I am grateful to taste the freedom I’ve been seeking and I am grateful to taste the life of the person I am becoming through doing what I am meant to do.  I am grateful to pause and allow the taste of this moment sink in.

Today I am grateful to hear.  I am grateful to hear the sound of my son laughing and being creative. I am grateful to hear the future coming from him and from the work that my husband and I are building.  I am grateful to hear him playing in the now, keeping me present while reminding me of what is coming and why we are doing the work we are.  I am grateful to hear the praise and support of my team and how we are building a new era together.  I am grateful to hear my husband dreaming larger than he ever has before and actually believing it’s possible to achieve. 

Today I am grateful to smell.  I am grateful to know what success smells like.  It’s the smell of my garden growing and producing food.  It’s the smell of my family coming in from working outside.  It’s the smell of my family coming in from playing outside as well.  It’s the smell of staying home and baking with my son.  It’s the smell of taking my son to a new store so we can spend time together.  It’s the smell of traveling to new places together.  It’s the smell of opening a new book with ideas I’ve never read before.  It’s the smell of putting together something new and seeing it through.  And all of these things are the smell of love as well and that is one of the greatest successes we can have. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I’ve been wrestling with living in two worlds for too long now.  There comes a point when you’re sick of hearing the same old thing and feeling the same old thing.  After I wrote yesterday’s piece, I realized I’ve been sitting with something for a while now.  After such an amazing experience, how do I go back to the same routine I held before this? If I keep repeating what I did, I know I won’t get to where I want to be.  Why would I keep doing what I know isn’t for me?  How do I continue to willingly spend my time on something I know isn’t for me?  How do I do what I’m told when I just unleashed the freedom to create the life I want? 

I know I’m going to have to straddle both worlds for a while longer, but I also know I need to focus more of my time and energy on what I want to be doing.  It makes me angry that my day isn’t just at the office.  It’s in the commute to and from, it’s in the time I miss with my kid, it’s in the getting ready for and winding down from the day.  And now there is this knowing that I don’t want that routine.  I don’t want to fight to fit in what I want to do.  There is a decision to transition to a new way of being.  Most beginnings are rocky as we learn to figure it out, but there is greater reward in the risk of doing what you love than there is in playing it safe.

I take comfort in a few things.  One is that I know this is temporary.  When the way is clear, it is only a matter of time for it to unfold as long as you take the necessary steps.  Two is that it’s ok to have boundaries.  I don’t need to fulfill other’s expectations of me and I don’t need to explain what I do.  That is the beauty of being a fully grown adult: I can change my mind and shift my priority where I need it. Three is those people won’t help me fulfill my purpose anyway.  I have a different goal than they do and I don’t need to work toward their end to satisfy their perception.  Four is that I no longer want to be the victim or make up stories about why things happen.  I am ready to be the person I am meant to be and I can change this story.  I can express myself honestly and that authenticity is what’s going to get me where I need to be, nothing else.

My purpose has shifted.  I know what I want to do and I am much clearer on the steps to get there.  No, I’m not thrilled to go back to work, but I am thrilled to do the work I want to do.  That is something we all need to remember: when you find your motivation, there is nothing that gets in the way.  We can be willing to tolerate different things to get what we need.  I now see the life I want and I know I can take what I need to do and compartmentalize it until I can take the next steps.  And there are always steps we can take in the middle of transition.  It isn’t time to sit on laurels and hope.  It is time to pick up the mantle of what I want and spread that awareness to everyone.

I want to share an experience of a feeling I had after the conference.  It felt like the light was on within me rather than like I was flying toward something, like a moth to flame.  It felt like I was my own source.  There was no external driver, no, this was something different.  This was an actual understanding and an adoption of the belief that another life was possible and that I could do it.  This was the feeling that I belonged and that I knew exactly what to do.  I became the driver of my own life.  I’m talking about something similar to the piece I wrote a month or so back about knowing what you want and the rest falling away.  It’s a letting go of the outside distractions of the world and recognizing what an excuse actually is.  Full transparency, I never understood the excuses I was making.  I thought they were all valid and logical reasons to not do what I wanted to.  I thought I was doing the right thing and playing it safe.

The truth is, when we play it safe, we are cutting out a huge chunk of opportunity and possibility.  No, not all risks pan out.  But if we take what we learn and apply it to the next go around, we have the chance to be who we want to be.  We keep going.  We apply what we’ve learned and do better.  See, when I talk about that light coming from inside, I mean that I’ve shifted the direction of motivation.  I’m no longer searching for a thing to make me happy.  I’m searching for what I can produce to create the life I want to live in a way that fulfills my happiness.  I’m looking to produce the results I need instead of manipulating others to do it for me. 

We all have different reasons in our lives for the things we do.  Different drivers, different motivation.  We are the only ones who can fulfill that for ourselves.  I spent a lot of years feeling something within me, a spark I couldn’t quite place.  Then I had someone reach out to be who understood exactly what I was trying to express.  This person pushed me beyond any comfort zone I ever had.  Now I see comfort as a drug.  Yes, I still take a hit every now and then because I’m human and I’m trying to break some habits.  But I know what I’m capable of and that isn’t a power source I want to sit on any longer.  See, comfort, money, stability are all nice things in theory.  But when you connect with your power and know what you can do, you won’t want to waste another moment waiting to express it.

If you think the price of winning is too high, wait until you get the bill from regret.  This one stopped me in my tracks.  I spent so many years living in regret, playing it safe, leaving the event early so I could do what I was “supposed” to do.  I always thought I was doing the right thing because I was making other people happy by doing what they expected of me.  I was fulfilling their expectations instead of my own.  I was recently graced with a huge opportunity and I will fully admit I didn’t see it for what it was until it was too late.  We had to leave the conference I’ve been talking about early for several reasons.  We had a family emergency and a long drive home.  In my heart, I knew I wanted to experience the whole thing but I was also afraid of having to get back to work on Monday and afraid of being tired and making a mistake at work that would get me even further behind.  I’ve been beating myself up about it because I know we missed the end of something amazing.  This is a low point for me, especially as someone who constantly expresses following the heart.

The good news is a low point is a great place to start from.  It makes you hungry.  It defines what you want and what you don’t want.  That low point shows you the experience you want to hone in on and how to take the next steps to get there.  See, it teaches you.  It shows you the pieces of you that need to be healed (fear of time, missing out, disappointing others) and the pieces you need to let go of (the fear of disappointing others, the need for things to be a certain way). And let’s go back to that hunger: that low point gives you the drive to fulfill other pieces of yourself.  The pieces you’ve possibly been ignoring.  The pieces you’ve been missing that you may not have known you were missing—like how to rely on and trust other people.  When you experience regret, that is possibly the best thing to come of it: it sharpens your vision to what you need to do.  It gives you the answers for what you’re looking for moving forward.  It becomes your motivation.

So I’ve been experiencing this before and after type of feeling.  Yes, I have regrets from leaving before we should have, but I am also appreciative I now know I don’t want to miss out on these things again.  I especially don’t want to miss out on them for fear.  And even more, I don’t want those fears to be about disappointing others.  I’m tired of disappointing myself!  That’s all the motivation we need.  What is it going to take to fulfill your expectations instead of someone else’s? Sometimes the price is high and we experience loss.  Sometimes the price is a smack in the face that wakes us up to the opportunities right in front of us.  No, no one enjoys regret.  It’s a heavy burden to bear.  But if we choose to stop carrying it and choose to start learning from it, that learning curve drops and we learn to fulfill our own destiny.  No one will do that for us.  We need to be who we are meant to be and that is it.  Don’t live your life wishing you could have done something different.  Live your life doing exactly what you’re supposed to do and that bill for regret sill never come.

One thing I’ve learned on this journey of self transformation is that the world views you differently than you view yourself.  See, they don’t understand the level of crap you tell yourself in your own mind.  They don’t understand how it feels to be you.  They don’t experience what you feel or the thoughts you tell yourself.  All they see is you.  For some, maybe you already know that and what you project is intentional. You already have the awareness that you want the world to see you in a different way so you take the time to curate an image you want the world to see.  For others, we are just trying to get through the day and we feel like we’re losing our minds in the process, like it’s all falling apart or that we will never have it together.  Even in those moments, my friends, the world is watching.

What I’ve learned is that no matter how we feel, sometimes others see things in us we never see in ourselves.  There is magic in consistency and development and sometimes we have to trust that the world sees things in us before we see it in ourselves.  I’ve fought it all along the way while trying to push it for other people.  For example, I’ve been a huge cheerleader for others while talking about starting my own things but finding a way to maintain the things I don’t want.  I’ve been fighting for what I know thinking it made me safe all while wanting something entirely different. How can we honor what is inside of us, how can I share a message of magic when I’m maintaining status quo?  Why am I fighting to keep the things I don’t want to do a priority?  I’m not interested in anyone’s approval.  I know they won’t understand what I’m doing because they are not the same people.  I have to honor (we have to honor) who I am (who we are).    

There are a few moments in life when we are reminded to seize the opportunity.  If we are lucky enough to recognize that, and we take the leap, we are rewarded with an unbelievable experience that opens our eyes.  The choice to see things differently is an amazing experience in itself.  Honoring and following the thought that there is something more in the world, more opportunities for us, shifts our perspective on what the world can be.  If you keep your pool shallow, you will never see the ocean around you.  Believe me, it’s nice to wade into something and get a taste, but it is not the same experience as diving in.  Sometimes someone else’s belief in us becomes the ocean we need.

I am fortunate enough to have a mentor who sees something in me.  I’ve been fighting her the whole way in diving in and becoming the person I want to be.  I’ve been making excuses and trying to maintain what I know rather than trusting her judgement and becoming what she sees I really am—and what I know I really am as well.  The exact experience I was trying to convey, she picked up on and she believes it.  So why would I stop it from happening?  Why would I stop it from unfolding in my life exactly as I envisioned it?  Why would I stop something even more magical from happening by continuing to make excuses to separate myself from the ocean?  It’s a privilege to honor and accept and express who we are, and if someone is asking you to do that before you are ready, trust me, you can trust their judgement.  They see something in you you’ve wanted to be all along anyway.  So say thank you and follow their lead.  Become what you’ve always been.  If you feel it, if they see it, lean on that and take the leap.  It’s all for a reason.  

I want to discuss more of the magic moment I mentioned in yesterday’s post.  During the conference, the team I work with held multiple meetings and touch points and the group allows many members to share their experiences.  One of the senior leaders of the team had an amazing share that brought me to tears.  He talked about why we do the work we do and the bullshit we buy into.  He talked about the need for creativity and what we are meant to do—and that is not sit behind a desk for eight hours a day making money for someone else.  We were born to move and push thresholds and to challenge ourselves.  We were meant to create and this is part of why people only live 7 years after retirement—when they stop finding and fulfilling their purpose, the spark literally dies out.

I know I don’t want to accept that I need permission to live my life the way I want to, especially asking permission from another person.  I don’t want to buy into the same plan that most people do thinking it’s ok, especially when I feel everything in me telling me it’s not.  I WANT to CREATE.  I feel it in my soul.  I want to transform people.  Yes, it’s work, but is it really work when you’re fulfilling your purpose?  It is so painful to feel that type of fire inside while trying to smother it with something safer because you don’t know if you can make it.  I know I would rather spend my time and energy doing what I love rather than working on something that doesn’t make sense in the first place, something that doesn’t resonate.

We all look for meaning in our lives and that meaning is different to everyone.  That “why” is different for everyone.  But if we really start to peel it back and look at it, we are all searching for the same fundamental thing: expression of self at the highest level.  We want to help people.  We want to be who we are.  We want our purpose to be recognized and fulfilled in its expression.  Creativity means different things to different people, but the basis is to make something unique to yourself.  Living asking for permission will not allow you to fully express who you are and the things you need to do that come from your soul.  I don’t want to misplace my energy on something that people think is secure when the reality is, if someone decides you no longer fit the picture, they can remove you.  Do not put the key to your happiness or “security” in someone else’s hands.

Follow your heart even if it doesn’t make sense to someone else.  People will always have something to say.  People don’t understand what isn’t meant for them and most people are so stuck in their own plan that they will try to keep you on theirs.  You know what is meant for you.  You know you are meant for more.  So go do it.  Go be the fullest expression of who you are meant to be regardless of what it looks like.  Follow what you feel.  Never allow your spark to die out because you are afraid of what other people think. Don’t let regret seep into your soul, wondering if you could have done something differently.  Wondering what would have happened if you allowed it to express earlier.  Follow your creativity and be exactly who you are meant to be.  

I recently took part in a work conference and witnessed some of the most impressive speaking I’ve seen in my entire life.  One of the speeches was from one of our senior leaders and he shared some of the most profound nuggets I’ve heard in a long time.  The one that stuck with me the most was, “You’re all fully grown adults and accept that we have to ask permission to spend time with our families [when it comes to needing time off from work].  You need to ask permission to spend time with your family.  Do you not see how ridiculous that is?” I’ve written about the corporate work world and exactly how ridiculous I find their rules and practices, but hearing it put in the perspective of asking for permission to spend time with the family stopped me in my tracks.

I had the power to create a child and survived the pregnancy and bringing him into this world.  I support my household and take care of my husband, my child, and myself.  I hep my parents any time I am able to.  I own a home.  All of these things qualify me as an adult but when I go to work, I need to request time to use my time and I have to earn time to use for myself.  How completely fucked is that?  This is the sickness of this society.  We think it’s normal to sacrifice our time in exchange for a made up resource to qualify the worth of goods we are told we need but can’t afford what we actually need.  On top of that, I’m legally allowed to partake in all activities that qualify me as an adult.  Yet I am required to ask permission to live my life?  Something doesn’t add up for me, there.

When it comes to making the decision to create freedom in your life, there are a lot of risks and it’s terrifying to realize that you need to fully support yourself with any actions you take.  The more I listen to people who think differently and who have successfully created the lives they want, I ask myself different questions.  Like the one posed above: do we not see how ridiculous it is to ask permission to live our lives?  That is the question followed by one more: What are you going to do about it?  This is where the magic moment comes in.  When you finally assimilate that understanding into feeling to elicit action.  We can sit and talk about feelings all day.  We can know something but if we don’t transmute it to action, it sits useless. 

Those magic moments bring us full circle.  They bring us to the point of needed action.  They are the impetus that move us and bring about the results we previously only dreamt about.  Magic Moments bring us to the point where we finally see that it’s ok to want what we want and that it’s possible to achieve it.  When we have that inkling, that taste of possibility, we develop a taste for it.  A hunger.  And being hungry is a great motivator.  That is what pushes you to take a step outside your comfort zone.  That is where you find not only what really matters to you, but what you’re made of, what you’re willing to do to get it.  Do you want to live your life asking for permission, or do you want to take the chance and start writing your story?  I know it’s scary to not see how it ends or even the twists and turns that may be coming.  But I’d rather be the one holding the pen than the one begging for permission.  We can all hold the pen.  We are born with it.  Don’t give it away and think someone is doing you a favor by ticking your boxes.  Take it back and create what you know you are meant to have.   

Today I am grateful to let go. This is a practice I need to remind myself of often.  My natural inclination is to take control and guide the ship by force if necessary.  If we have a goal in mind, I will make sure we achieve it.  So today I had a major breakthrough with letting go and trusting and allowing.  All of this happened because I put myself back on track with taking care of my body in the way it needs to be cared for.  I remembered the foundational work of taking care of the being in order to allow clarity.  And sometimes that’s all we need.  We need to get in touch with where the physical stuckness is in order to move through the mental stuckness to see what we really need.  Today it was about physical movement and releasing all the things I felt.

Today I am grateful for family.  We found out a bit ago that our niece is having another baby and today was the gender reveal.  It was so nice to be together to celebrate and spend time together.  We don’t do it much so it was nice to have such a special occasion together.  The family is getting bigger and it really means a lot to see the generations together.  Plus it is wonderful for my son to have the opportunity to spend time with his cousins and being a kid.  These cousins are closer to his age so he acts differently, more himself.  We are so fortunate to be able to be together.

Today I am grateful for signs.  Breaking the validation habit is hard, but there is a wonderful thing about connection with the universe.  Those signs bring a different type of validation.  For me, when I see the sign I ask for from the universe, I feel the total connection with spirit.  I feel the oneness with it all.  Today as we were heading to the gender reveal, my husband and I talked about the transitions we are undertaking and every time we felt on target, I saw my sign.  At this stage of the game, my husband and I are not turning back.  There were a lot of events that brought us here so continuing to see that we are on the right track is a comfort.

Today I am grateful for synchronicity.  As much as I speak about alignment and purpose, I often feel separated from my own purpose.  I allow myself to get distracted and fearful and lose sight of what I’m doing the work for.  As I mentioned above, there were a lot of events that aligned to get us where we are, events that make me realize I can’t deny the divine plan in all of that.  As things continue to fall into place, I am continually amazed about the order of things.  I know there is something so much bigger than me and, yes, I fight it at times, but in the back of my mind I know that all is well and I am where I need to be.  I want to work on bringing that to the front of my mind all the time because there is a lot to be grateful for and things really do work in amazing ways.

Today I am grateful for leadership.  I found myself in a funk recently with some old fear habits.  I had been scheduled to speak with my mentor prior to that happening, so (in another show of synchronicity), as I felt some negative patterns emerge, I got on the phone with my mentor.  She told me to keep working on myself and my mindset.  She is the one who brought up the ability to see the big picture for other people but not for myself.  She talked me off the ledge and reminded me that there is a bigger picture for me and that, even when it’s a little scary or bleak, we just have to keep moving forward.  It was timely and exactly what I needed to hear.  Sometimes we need someone to see us and remind us that we are really ok.  Sometimes we need someone a bit further removed from ourselves to show us we are doing better than we think.  It’s one foot in front of the other.

Today I am grateful for a plan moving forward.  Between all the signs and synchronicities, and the advice of my mentor, I feel more stable in my plan moving forward.  I know not everything goes to plan, that isn’t the point.  The point is that this is a new direction to shift.  This is a new way to move in that one degree turn every day toward what really works.  Toward what feels right.  Sometimes that perspective involves learning something new or it means trusting someone else’s guidance for a bit or even taking your hands off the wheel.  But it all means having the right direction to move forward so you find the steps to take.  I am grateful for the help to move forward.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I have always loved storms.  I don’t know if it’s a thing about where I’m from or if it’s something in my blood but I never really shied away from storms since I was about five years old.  My mother is terrified of them and the littlest cloud in the sky can send her running for the basement so perhaps it was a divisive thing for me, a way to prove I was different.  I honestly don’t know.  Moving where we are now is more open and the weather is different so I do have a different level of respect/healthy fear when it comes to watching how quickly the weather can turn, but I love seeing the power of nature.  I love the feeling of the unknown.  I love the feeling of the air during and after a storm.  I love getting cozy and watching the weather through the window—the whole experience of it.

So why don’t I tolerate the storms in my own life?  Taking an honest stock of the trajectory of my days, I can see where I’ve brought in my own issues and fears, and those are the days I hate the most.  Anything that gets disrupted in my day or doesn’t go to plan feels mildly irritating at a minimum but has the power to derail me if I let it.  It isn’t about MY plan, it’s just that I can’t stand if something doesn’t go as it’s supposed to.  Maybe it’s just a function of my brain to not pivot well, I’m not sure.  But the rain on the roof woke me up this morning and I immediately calmed down and found myself asking these questions—if the rain can put me in such a good mood, why can’t I tolerate the changes in my life?  It’s all part of the same season regardless.

This is now a goal of mine: I want to be more patient and tolerant of the bumps in the road.  I am well aware that things don’t always go smoothly and I know they aren’t meant to, so instead of complaining about it when it happens, I want to pivot.  This is a big mindset shift, transitioning from victim to victor.  It truly means letting go and allowing everything to happen as if it was all part of the plan.  It helps knowing on some level that it truly was all part of the plan anyway, even if it wasn’t my plan.  This is the collapse of ego and wanting to seem always in control, that I knew exactly what was going to happen.  How ridiculous is that?  No one knows everything that is going to happen, why should I get the spoilers?  So I practice breathing and allowing and letting go a bit more each day.  I practice leaning into who I am and who I want to be and recognizing that the challenges I face are either not really challenges or that they will get me where I need to go.  If I love some storms, I can learn to love my storms.  We all can. 

We’ve had quite a bit on our plate lately between work, shifting jobs, starting new projects, our son going to camp, a business trip coming up, illness.  I felt completely helpless, like I was doing everything wrong, like the future was ruined, like I wouldn’t succeed, like I wasn’t clear in anything, like a doormat and a failure.  Right in the middle of a meltdown, I saw a cicada sitting on our fence.  I didn’t think much of it at the time until I came back later and saw it was still there.  And then later still in the day, it was there.  So I took it as a sign and I looked up the spiritual meaning of a cicada and I was floored.

These insects represent rebirth, rejuvenation, and allowing the hidden or dormant parts of our lives come out.  It’s about change, renewal, and transformation.  These animals are a good omen indicating emergence is at hand and is indicative of self-development.  The symbolism also talks about being a good communicator.  Finally, I also read about the positive impact of the animal, discussion on expectations, learning, trusting timing, a new beginning, being optimistic, and experiencing freedom.  I could not believe that every one of my anxieties had been addressed in that moment.  This amazing little creature brought the message that all of those fears are meaningless.  It’s up to me to take action and there is a very good chance that with action, the very life I want to experience will happen.  This is the living reminder that sometimes things have to fall apart to come together. 

Yes, it’s terrifying to think of letting go of all that I’ve achieved so far.  But it’s also terrifying to have this feeling of wanting something more and not doing anything about it, or that it can’t happen.  This thing inside isn’t so far beneath the surface and if eel it trying to emerge more every day.  Like the cicada, there is something trying to come out of me.  It is ok to trust that, while things are falling apart, they are absolutely coming together.  I know I need to become fully who I am and that means embracing all facets of myself.  It means taking some leaps and allowing that which no longer serves to crumble away.  This animal is saying it is safe to do so. 

I never felt such relief from a sign from the universe.  Things really do happen for a reason and I am so grateful for each reminder that I am on the right path.  Even if I have a meltdown and feel like I’m losing my way, there is something to remind me that all is well.  This is all part of the plan.  The things we no longer need eventually do fall away in time, it’s part of the natural course of life.  The key is getting the vision and believing in it.  Taking the steps needed to become the person I know I am and to release the fear of it.  To know I am always supported even if it feels like it will never be light again.  This message is the same for all of us.  We are always supported and cared for and guided.  We just have to be open to the guidance and remember it all the time.