Tabitha Brown put out a couple of videos the other day about finding “you time.” She spoke beautifully about how we constantly do, and we are doing for others.  So many of us deplete our energy in the service of others whether it is at work, helping friends, or with family.  All of those are necessary things at times, but we have a tendency to put aside what we need because we don’t want to get in touch with the chaos inside to hear the honest voice.  We don’t want to acknowledge that voice because, for many of us, we are afraid those needs won’t be met or that we aren’t worthy of having those needs met.  We are afraid that the people we’ve helped won’t be there in the same way we were there for them.  We don’t want to be disappointed in not getting what we really want.  But a funny thing happens: sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we end up getting what we need.  That only happens when we slow down enough to hear what that inner voice is saying.

I want to talk about this time between being who we were and being who we are…and finding who we are meant to be, the time you are learning to recognize that voice.  When you’re in transition, it’s a remembering who you are along with becoming who you were meant to be and struggling to put away what you’ve always done or have been told to do.  It’s a confusing transition.  It holds a lot of weight, some of which you didn’t know you carried. It’s hard to see who we are becoming when we are still putting away who we’ve been.  There are facets of familiarity in the past version of ourselves that cling tightly, or perhaps it’s that we cling tightly, because we know it so well.  We believe that’s who we are, who we have to be.  So when we finally start taking the steps out of our comfort zone, things feel different.  We don’t know how to react to things because we only have our previous framework.

Becoming someone new is messy because we have to redefine everything.  We are being poured into a new mold but we are breaking every boundary we’ve been put in or that we set before.  This in-between can be confusing because we can’t quite see the finished product yet.  We don’t know the reaction this person has to a familiar circumstance.  We don’t know how we feel being someone new.  But the more you spend time being you, welcoming you, the easier this becomes.  That is why Ms. Brown tells us to take this time and really get in touch.  To honestly listen.  No judgement, just open ears to the sound of our own voice. 

It’s a beautiful thing.  The sound of our own voice is so present within us that it’s almost easy to ignore—it’s just always there.  Ironically it’s the easiest voice to dismiss because it has something to say about EVERYTHING.  So while we hear it, we aren’t really listening to it.  There’s also this need for validation, like what we believe of ourselves has to be confirmed and deemed appropriate by others.  We focus so much on being heard by others that we don’t notice the impact of not hearing ourselves.  Whether it’s seeing someone step boldly out of the realm of what you think is a standard or trying on an old dress and wearing it to work (see previous two posts).  The point is, unbecoming/becoming can be an awkward transition but we have to see it through.  So get selfish and take that you time to find who you are and fill your cup enough so it runs over.  It isn’t selfish if there is a purpose.

After I saw the woman in pink, I decided to go against the grain a bit (my grain, that is).  I work for a very conservative woman and she has clear, firm expectations of our dress code.  I stick to black, white, grey, maybe some navy most of the time.  I went through a phase some years ago where I really enjoyed wearing dresses to the office (I was working for a different person then) so I still have a decent collection to choose from.  One of them is a bold red wrap with minimal pattern, long-sleeved, and requires a tank underneath.  It looks great with a neutral colored heel or a black flat.  The weather has been warm here so I went with it. 

I walked in the office and the first thing I heard was, “Look at you all fancy!”  from a co-worker.  My immediate response was to declare I’m not fancy, it’s just warm weather wear.  My boss peeked around the corner and saw me.  She smiled.  Truth be told, I felt a little relief.  The dress is office appropriate, but it isn’t like my normal slacks or skirts (the skirts I don’t wear that often either).  My boss told me it was a good color on me so I went about my day.

My staff noticed as well, coming across as shocked when they saw me but offering compliments.  Keep in mind we are all pretty much wearing uniforms all the time so the color does make an impact and it’s noticeable, especially when you don’t wear it every day.  As the day went on, I felt more confident.  I can’t say I like dresses as much as I did when I got them, but I like that I can still wear them, I like having the choices, and I like that I am able to change my mind and switch up my wardrobe based on what I’m feeling that day (or the weather). 

I also like that I found a bit of my spark, like the woman in pink.  In my work environment, the red dress was as noticeable as the pink hair.  I know this isn’t a big thing for most people, but it was a start for me.  It was also a rekindling of self to a degree.  I used to be much more lax about the rules and it really didn’t bother me to be the one who stood out when it came to vibrant color etc.  My old office wardrobe was impressive with bright colors, patterns, variety of styles and all the makeup to match it.  In some ways I always wanted to be the one against the grain.  So now the question is, what happened?  Where is that spark?  I still feel it but I know I still hold it back.  So I’m working on some “me time” to let it fully come back to life.  We’re going to talk about a transition period next and what that looks like when finding self.

Vibrant hot pink reflected in my rear view mirror.  I looked a the woman in the car behind me and realized it was HER.  The steering wheel, the seat she sat in, her nails, her long hair, her fitted coat—all of it blindingly, hot pink.  I thought to myself, “What could she be doing on the road at 6am?”  This woman looked larger than life, clearly she didn’t have a 9-5 that she was getting to.  I would have thought it may have been some type dare based on how bright she was, but it quickly hit me, I have no place to question or judge.  Plus it was too big of a commitment with everything being that color, so I started thinking about HER. And I got jealous.

Yes, I’ve seen a ton of people with awesome hair colors and clothes that stand out, but I haven’t had that experience on the road with a group of people typically heading to the office or some type of labor job.  So I realized all this judgement and questioning was legitimate curiosity.  Beyond making a statement with bold colors, this woman clearly lacked nothing in confidence.  There was no way to miss her, she was literally and figuratively that bright.  She carried the appearance of someone who knows exactly who they are and what they are doing with themselves.  She never needed to ask permission for anything and she wasn’t about to start now.  Her life belongs to her and she owns it and pulls no punches—this woman was in the moment. This is EVERYTHING I express and preach about here.  This is exactly what people need to do.

After seeing her, I will tell you I felt a sense of liberation because this was the living embodiment of what I want to do: to be that free, that aware of who I am, that open in expressing myself.  That is the light that needs to be shared with the world.  Life is supposed to be fun.  It is supposed to be filled with things that bring us joy even if it doesn’t make any sense to anyone else.  This woman may be fortunate enough to work for a company that allows her to come in with pink hair.  That made me even more jealous.  I’ve realized that for my entire life I’ve literally had to live by someone else’s standards.  I had to dress, wear my hair, put on makeup, choose jewelry that wouldn’t offend anyone.  I’ve always wanted to break out of that pattern, but it’s deeply engrained—I like to take small steps, but even those are noticed and commented on so it’s easy to fall into old habits.

But this woman was the reminder we all need that freedom of expression does exist and we can live outside any box the world tries to put us in.  Sometimes life hands you the key in the most unexpected ways.  I am an open person, I love seeing different expressions of self—but I still had a judgement that someone wouldn’t be dressed like that for a “normal” job at that time in the morning.  So that is a barrier I need to break through.  A lot of it is I know I receive pushback when I do something outside the norm—or I’m at least questioned about it.  That doesn’t mean I know a thing about what this woman was doing with her day.  Accept who someone is wherever they are: that is the next step in true acceptance and bringing forth gifts.  We all have that spark inside of us.  For some it’s words.  For others it’s hot pink. 

Today I am grateful for knowing I am wrong.  Life is an evolution and to evolve means to grow.  Part of this is knowing when we are wrong.  Confession: as much as I work on/discuss/believe in growth, I am human and still struggle with it.  I still struggle with the discomfort and fear and falling into comfort patterns and familiar routines.  My family has been blessed with an opportunity that requires a lot of out of the norm behaviors and expectations.  During this transition, my husband has also made a decision regarding his career that impacts all of us.  He has no fear surrounding future planning or consequences from impulse decisions.  The truth is, we have survived everything so far—he isn’t wrong to take the leap.  In fact, that is more a demonstration of courage and willingness to change than me talking about it.  IF I want to be something/someone else, I need to do those things and jump. I have to demonstrate the same courage instead of playing it safe. 

Today I am grateful for change.  On the heels of the point above, I am grateful for these opportunities that have come our way.  We are meant to fulfill this purpose and take this journey.  We have goals and while this isn’t the route I thought we’d take to get there, this is certainly a way to something new.  This is a way to the change we’ve been looking for.  We can’t judge what we see because we never know what it will bring in the big picture.  Sometimes we just have to take that leap and know this is all part of the process.  Nothing HAS to look a certain way.  We just have to do it the way meant for us.

Today I am grateful for love.  Love is a tricky thing because we are human animals after all and that animal doesn’t always behave how we expect it to.  But love comes in many ways and I am grateful to give and to receive it.  My husband is having a difficult time with his side of the family because they aren’t behaving in a way he thought they would.  He is experiencing emotion around it.  I knew he felt these things but he never vocalized them before.  I am so grateful for the care we have with each other that he finally opened up to how he was feeling about it.  I am so grateful to offer support in an additional, less used, way for him.  I am grateful to offer what I have for him to feel secure and safe and loved and supported. 

Today I am grateful for fun.  Tension always goes up and down, it’s part of the natural flow of life.  There are moments when you can’t let those moments of tension that bring you down.  You have to focus on the good.  Today we spent some time together, just swimming in the pool and unwinding.  Enjoying each other’s company, goofing around, being together.  Those are the moments that remind us that we are headed in the right direction.  Life isn’t meant to be any one way or one path that we all follow, all misery or all joy—it’s meant to be what is meant to be for you.  We are meant to focus on the joy that happens when we do what makes us feel good.  So have fun.

Today I am grateful for things that make us happy.  The more we align and recognize the way we feel, the easier it is to recognize and follow the path meant for us.  We are so trained to believe that happiness is selfish or that happiness isn’t meant to last.  The truth is we need to find those moments that make us happy because they lead to a release of the weight we carry to be perceived a certain way in the world.  Life really doesn’t have to be that complicated.  We make it complicated by believing we need to be a certain way.  All we have to do is be who we are.  It’s really that simple and I am grateful for those reminders.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead!      

Have you ever been with a group of people (or even one individual) where you know your moves threaten them?  I’m talking about the kinds of moves that propel you forward, moves in your personal or professional life that put you at a different level.  Things that trigger them and make them feel “less than” because they don’t believe they are capable.  One of my mentors/colleagues showed some true colors the other day.  This individual has a very different relationship with me than with other people in our circle.  She will spend all the time needed with another member of the group, coaching and directing, clarifying, gossiping and having fun, but when I’m around, it’s all business, “figure it out”, “you should know that”, “this person won’t like that”, “well let’s see if it works”, and “we’ll get you training for that” (which never comes). 

It took me nearly 4 years to see that this was personal on a different level.  It’s taken me another several months to understand that it has nothing to do with me.  It’s personal to her, not me.  I’ve noticed a common theme with the group is that my ideas are “too big” meanwhile we focus on what people wear as if that is some indicator of how they do their job.  Meanwhile when you ask for assistance to do it the way you’re told, you’re met with crickets and promises to do it eventually.  This isn’t a lamentation, this is a realization and a sharing of power with all of you.  I know I’m not the only one who has had this experience and I’m certainly not the only one who feels the call for something greater and feels stifled or rejected when others don’t jump on.

I wrote last week about knowing when it’s time to go and this is one of the other things I should have written about.  When people aren’t for you, leave.  When people don’t support you, leave.  When people pretend to help but never follow through, leave.  When people set it up so you’re left holding the bag (figuratively or literally), leave.  I realized with this group of colleagues, that we pick and choose who we help.  Those who support each other band together meanwhile a few of us are left on the outside but told we have access even if the doors are literally closed.  Any group that benefits from your struggle or seems to relish in it is not for you.  It isn’t up to you to make them understand or to continue to beg for what you need, it is simply time to leave.

This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life.  I’ve discussed my childhood many times, sharing the experience of literally doing people’s homework or going out of my way only to not be included in the day to day of their lives.  It’s amazing how these patterns follow us into adulthood, but the beauty is, there is more autonomy in adulthood and we are more easily allowed to make a shift and leave.  We just have to give ourselves permission and understanding to follow through with leaving.  Learning to trust intuition and recognize when things aren’t for us is key.  Believing you are on the right path and able to discern what IS for us is the other key.  Why stay with people who enjoy your failures?  Why stay in an environment that bores you and only returns the minimum?  Just because that’s what you were told to do doesn’t mean that’s what you have to continue to do.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: if it doesn’t satisfy, sustain, bring joy, fulfill, create something positive, or support those activities it is time to leave.  It is time to trust your intuition and go where you can find those things, even if it means finding those things in yourself first.  We don’t always get the support we want from the people we want to see us—and that is usually because they can’t see themselves doing what you do.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t support ourselves.  We have to be our own biggest cheerleaders first and learn to garner the confidence to direct our sails.  Leave those behind who would anchor you.  Leave those behind who can’t see past the shore.  Leave those who would put holes in your ship hoping it makes theirs float higher.  Cast aside the dead weight and let yourself go forward—you won’t miss those who can’t see you succeed.  They won’t be happy either way so let it go.  

“In order to use your head you must go out of your mind,” Loren Ridinger.  Lately we’ve all been looking for something.  We feel there is more, we understand that there are different possibilities, and we are learning on a visceral and literal level that the way things are currently do not work for everyone.  We are awakening.  We know that we have a deeper purpose than what we’ve been told/sold yet we aren’t quite sure how to move forward and make that a reality.  There are a ton of unknowns.  Sometimes an opportunity comes along that makes zero sense in the scheme of your day to day life—it logically doesn’t fit, it’s counterintuitive to what you feel you should be doing yet there is an inner knowing that you need to follow.  That is what our opening quote is about.  Sometimes logic doesn’t work.  Logic makes sense of everything in the physical world but keeps us from what we know.  That is what this means.

When we start hearing the call of our souls, that is when we need to let go of what we know and follow what we KNOW.  There are certain things that don’t need to make sense logically.  When we are gifted intuition, we need to learn how to follow it rather than stifle it.  We are taught to fear our intuition and follow the logic we are taught because that is supposed to be the safer path.  We know now the truth of that: there is no safety anywhere.  Loyalty is a thing of the past for the most part—there is no need to care for employees or friends when they come a dime a dozen.  We’ve forgotten how to foster genuine connection. And I believe that comes from a desensitization to ourselves as well.  When we are taught our intuition is the enemy or something that can’t be trusted, how can we learn to read other people? 

These things take practice.  I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few brief moments of the type of connection where it didn’t matter if it didn’t make sense, I knew I had to do it.  Those were some of the most refreshing moments of my life, some of the most energetically freeing.  We are beings with a lot of energy and we are trained to waste it on distraction and other people’s priorities.  When we shift that energy toward ourselves, amazing things happen.  For instance, if you know a certain activity is either painful or stressful for you, but there is something you’re interested in trying and you do it, that is a moment of freedom.  We aren’t meant to stifle the things we feel.  Energy is powerful and we emit it at all times.  That isn’t something to ignore.  But we are able to harness that and the potential is unlimited if that energy is directed toward something we are aligned with. 

So when those things call, don’t worry about what you are “logically” supposed to do.  Answer from the part of you that wants to do it.  Amazing things happen, almost like magic.  Steps appear, resources appear, guides appear to move you forward.  It genuinely is magical to feel those things align.  I was recently gifted such an opportunity from my mentor and let me tell you, it feels surreal.  It felt fake.  In all honesty, the scientist in was piqued at the process of the brain and how it can reject a new reality.  The mind is a powerful thing, incredibly so.  I use this platform often to discuss the power of mindset and that is a perfect demonstration of trained beliefs/mind ruling our knowing.  Letting go of that and accepting a new reality is the next step.  In my case, I have leapt in.  There are parts I have no idea how they will work, but I’m going with it.  I’m following my head.  I hope you take the opportunity to do the same.

Ironically after I wrote yesterday’s piece, I had a moment to support the idea of death and moving forward.  We are ever changing beings in the process of evolving all the time.  at some point last year I wrote a piece about death and the creative process.  I spoke about how creation is destructive because you have to eliminate/destroy what was in order to build something new.  In order to get something new, you have to let go of what once was. On the way home from grocery shopping, I had a deeper understanding of what that actually means.  My husband and I had a small spat about a financial decision he made and I heard myself say something along the lines of I am not willing to do this anymore because I’ve been doing it for too long.  What struck me, though, was the realization that came over me—in order for him to stop this particular habit, I need to stop my reaction to it/acceptance of it.  Even if it isn’t an outright acceptance, there needs to be a different response in order to change the situation. In order to move forward, you have to let go of who we were.

A slight sadness came over me.  I talk a lot about self-acceptance and integrating who we were to form who we are.  Accepting who we are allows us to determine the distance to where we need/want to be, and if I had to shift that person, where does that person go?  I suddenly felt like I was abandoning myself because the magnitude of letting go of that former person hit me.  Logically, I know this isn’t true, this is just part of the process because you can’t hold onto two things on opposite sides and expect to move forward: you end up getting pulled apart.  Along with the sadness, I felt a little glow from within, knowing this is the right track.  Yes, in order to move forward, you have to leave who you were behind. 

If you want to be successful, if you want to obtain a particular career, if you want to live a certain lifestyle, you have to become that person.  If you want to be a person who carries the world lightly, you can no longer be angered by the small stuff.  If you want to be a person who loves unconditionally, you have to live without expectations of others or yourself.  If you want to be a person who is physically fit, you have to stop snacking and sitting around.  If you have a message to share, you have to use your voice.  If you want to have a better relationship with money, you need to believe in abundance.    For me, if I want to be someone who lives without fear, I need to let go of control and learn better adaptability along with acceptance of who I am.  If I want to have a better relationship with people, I need to accept who they are—which means accepting myself. If I want to move forward, I can’t relive the past.

I also realized that we do this in stages.  I think I had the emotional reaction to this understanding because I believed that I was done with this—I thought I let go/reconciled what I needed to in order to move on.  I have made wonderful progress on that front so I ignorantly thought I was moved past this part, that I had accepted letting go.  But I know the universe is cyclical and the lesson will repeat until we learn it and if there are facets of something we are still hanging onto, then we will be tested.  This was something I was still hanging onto.  It’s ok to be sad about a death, especially when it’s your own.  It’s ok to be conflicted when learning to set boundaries because it’s challenging to enforce something new in your life.  It’s ok to have to come back to it until you understand it.  Moving forward means going through and letting go of what you once were—over and over again.   

“You just died and you have to look at what you would do differently.  Can’t we move forward as if that has happened?”  I don’t recall where I heard this but it’s been spinning in my mind for a while now.  Several things happened recently that reminded me of mortality and my real goals, and It hit differently than it normally does as I’m recognizing my own aging.  My 9-5 is in healthcare and we see a lot of really difficult things from young sick people, to older people fighting alone, and everything in between.  Recently some of the decisions made that impact my teams haven’t settled well with me.  The world is a confusing enough place and I see how these decisions are going to impact patients and my employees.  I see how we are removing the humanity out of what we do in order to satisfy a bottom line.  I don’t want to be part of that.

As it happens, the universe starts shoving us in the right direction even if that means leaving behind the perceived security of what we know.  In the course of two days, I was blessed to be put in positions to connect with people.  Each of them needed to be heard, they needed a bit of guidance, and they needed to be validated as people, that what they felt was ok.  I put aside my role at work and I literally listened to those who needed it.  I heard their stories, I offered advice when I could (and when asked) and left the situation moderately better than where I found it.  And selfishly, I felt better.  After my third encounter, it really hit me that those were the interactions I wanted to have.  THAT’S was what I want my day to look like.  THAT’S how I want to feel. 

So now it’s time to move forward with that information and live my life with this lesson and embrace who I really am.  For so long I’ve been trying to fit myself into a box and to accept that I need to do the things I was told on a daily basis.  I knew I wanted to get out of the box but I never fully accepted that I simply need to step out of it.  The box doesn’t work—and, again, I knew that, I just didn’t see a way out.  Now the light between the seams is getting brighter.  The way comes when we are ready.  So knowing that I didn’t fit in the box was the first step.  Accepting that I didn’t fit in the box and stopping trying to fit in (and being ok with not fitting in) was the second step.  Now finding the way out is the third.  The more I think about it, I honestly feel like it’s indicative of what I’ve said all along: there really isn’t a box.  It’s a matter of being comfortable being who you are.

Perhaps we don’t have to look at death as a scary thing.  We can look at is as the greatest transformation.  We can look at the growth it offers.  We can make decisions differently knowing it is time to move forward.  We can move forward with the new information and start living the life we want now.  We don’t need permission.  That is the beauty of nature and life: each day we are blessed to wake up is an opportunity to do something differently.  It’s a new beginning.  As the day before us passes away, so too does that version of who we are.  We don’t need to hold onto that.  We don’t need to accept what we’ve always done as what we need to continue with.  When we find what is right, it is time to embrace that and follow it.  Of course the choice is always ours.  But leaving those previous choices behind for the chance at something new opens doors we didn’t know existed.  Step through.  

Just a short note on a message I heard from Tabitha Brown the other day where she was talking about a full feeling.  She shared a story of eating a delicious meal and knowing she was full but continuing to eat anyway.  She then went on to explain the discomfort of sitting there after eating more than she should have.  The beauty of this message is when she expanded it to life.  So many times we run around trying to cram in more and more, thinking it will satiate us or that we will be happy with more when the reality is we need to learn to sit with what we have and let it settle.  Let it digest before we try to stuff in more. 

I know I’m guilty of running around trying to fi tit all in, trying to make my life more and never really sitting in the moment and simply enjoying it as is. I’m a thousand steps ahead thinking of all that needs to be done or all the things I want to do rather than simply being.  We are taught to be everywhere but where we are, even at the most basic level of knowing when we’ve consumed enough.  It can be challenging to apply that to other areas of our lives when we don’t have a firm grasp of our own bodies.

Sometimes we have to learn to be content with where we are, enjoy what we’ve done rather than trying to consume more.  We don’t always need to take in more.  We need to accept and assimilate what we’ve already done.  We need to produce to share some of what we have, we need to prune in order to allow more growth.  We don’t want to burst, we simply want to allow what we have to overflow to others.  We have to learn to accept the natural ebb and flow, the fullness and the emptiness, as a part of life.  Accept when we have had enough.  Then we fill again when the time is right.   

There are moments when we meet people when things simply click.  There is an openness and a humility that we didn’t expect but it is completely real.  It’s also refreshing to meet people and see they are exactly who they claim to be.  There is an alignment between what we see and what we get and it’s as if we were aligned all along.  There is no weirdness, no pressure, it just flows.  For me, those moments are rare—I’m socially awkward, I overshare or I’m entirely quiet, I get nervous or over confident, and I fidget regardless of what I feel so it makes me feel completely vulnerable like everyone can see I’m a “fraud.”  I recently experienced a moment of alignment and relief with a business partner the other day and it made reality click in a new way.

I’ve been working on a side business for a while and admittedly haven’t seen much success in it.  I have a million excuses, most of them valid to be entirely honest, but my perspective shifted a bit the other day when I met with this person.  We’ve had virtual meetings plenty of times and it was hard to get a gauge on him at first.  I’m naturally pretty skeptical as well, so I go in with my guard up.  Regardless, we set up this meeting at a team event that was happening closer to me (this partner lives our East).  When I got there, warmth radiated and there was an absolute openness I didn’t expect.  Suddenly there are options.  I mean, no mystery, we’ve been talking about that here for over a year now. 

So what is it about seeing someone in person?  I mean, technology connects us but the truth is it can divide us as much as it connects.  There is the shield of the screen and the camera where we can curate what we share and what things look like rather than express who we are.  I mean, I’ve been pretty vulnerable here sharing stories but even that is a matter of how much to share, how much detail, and wondering if people even really want to read that.  So the same can be said about meeting people.  Even though I’m an open book, is it a matter of protection and over-sharing as a shield? 

The relief I felt at seeing the reality match the perception felt amazing.  There were no airs, no hierarchy, and honestly, no nerves.  Not only is there a comfort level, there is a peace at full expression and acceptance of who we are.  There is also something to be said about consistency and matching energy.  We had a conversation that helped me understand things in a new way.  It helped me see how to approach life and my business in a way that will open things up.  It helped me see how continued genuine expression is key to opening and creating the life we want  for ourselves, a life that can fulfill our purpose and help others.  There is an element of trust established when you meet in person and even more trust in yourself when you see the possibilities reflected in yourself. 

We only get what we give and when you see people at a different level, achieving what you want, take that as a sign you’re on the right path.  Trust that you are matching that frequency at some level and have the ability to match the output you’re looking for.  If you’re experiencing it, trust it because your energy got you there in the first place. If you can harness that and take in the message, you’ll see the mutual reciprocity and exchange of that energy.  So always be open, always have faith in yourself, and always try your best to put aside any preconceived notions you may have.  The universe aligns us with who is meant to be in our lives.