That Was Unexpected

Photo by Anna Shvets on

Things took a turn for me this week.  In my last piece I discussed the low grade melancholy and the need for self-love/self-acceptance.  Well, I listened to that inner knowing and I went to the doctor for the first time in four years.  I’ve had a multitude of symptoms for quite some time and while I was grocery shopping last weekend a sharp stabbing pain took over my abdomen followed by intense swelling/bloating.  Clearly this wasn’t going to resolve itself any longer.  So I went in to the doctor and ended up getting a CT less than an hour after describing my symptoms and being looked at.

The test didn’t give me all the answers and I have quite a few follow up appointments next week, but it potentially explained so much of why I feel the way I do.  Once I have more results confirmed, I will be able to speak more about that.

All these years I have believed that I needed to be in control of everything.  What’s more is that I believed I was a failure if I couldn’t control everything.  I have believed that, as a species, we should be able to make a decision and control our actions to get the results we wanted and that it showed something “wrong” if you weren’t getting results.  One test has shown me that 1. Not everything is in our control and 2. Sometimes the behaviors we accept in ourselves and feel we can’t change are NOT the result of our upbringing or our brain structure, but something else in our body.

Going to the doctor showed me that there are other possible answers to what I believed was a done deal so to speak.  That inner knowing told me that I needed to give up the control and go get help—even as I wrote about self-love, that was something telling me to pay attention to my body.  Even if I waited until that inner knowing became an incredibly painful message that brought me to my knees, I eventually listened.  And I am so glad I did.

While I still need to find some answers, a couple hours at the hospital set me on the right track.  It also affirmed that once you set your mind to something, the universe responds.  Too many times I have set the intention to take care of myself and have fallen off the wagon or I haven’t followed through.  This time the universe put me in a situation where I had no choice but to take care of myself—and even show me that there may be real physical reasons for the way I feel.  So I have options.  They are options that I didn’t anticipate having to work through, but I believe they are the right ones even if they are different than I had hoped.

I hope my story is an example of trusting your intuition, following it, and taking things one day at a time.  My priorities have shifted significantly in the last 24 hours—and I am glad.  While it is a blessing to have options and means to do things, sometimes we need that narrowed down—at least I do.  I let my world get too cluttered and take on more than I can chew. I’m going to spend the next few days prioritizing and taking care of my health because that is what needs to be done now.  The rest will fall into place.               

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