Ghosts

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Nikita Gill, “The ghosts of all the women you used to be are so proud of who you have become.”

I saw this quote today and paused.  I reread it several times, each more pointedly.  A feeling of slowly coming awake washed over me followed by intense sadness.  Tears pricked my eyes but wouldn’t fall.  Sometimes it’s the random moments like that that reveal what we really need—and on some level I needed a release.

The release wasn’t about recognizing those women, those other forms of me and letting them rest.  It was about the fact that I am still trying to keep all of those women alive.  For so long I’ve been trying to keep failed pieces, long forgotten fragments, lost hopes, forgotten aspirations alive.  I never let them go.  I always convinced myself that I was able to do everything.  I mean everything.  And the result was that I started living too many lives, not understanding that, in order to move forward, I would have to let something go. 

I never took the time to understand that not all paths were meant for me, no matter how capable I believed myself to be.  I never took the time to find out what path I really wanted to follow or create.  I never really took the time to mourn things I needed to let go of.  I want to preface this next statement with I do understand that not everything gets closure.  But I have to admit that in this case, I needed to create some closure in order to move forward.

As someone who lives with anxiety, it is really difficult to be in the moment simply because I often focus on the past and what I could have done differently or I focus on the future and what could go wrong.  The key that I’m focusing on now is understanding that the past or future can’t be addressed in the present.  For me it is also about developing faith and knowing that there is a reason for the way things happen.  I wrote a piece about how finding faith leads to progress.  There is progress in the realization that I need to honor my past decisions and the person I was at that time.

To who we once were, you brought us here today.  To who we will be, we are creating a foundation for you today.  On a personal note, to the ghosts I carry with me, I am ready to put you to rest.  I’m sorry for carrying you for so long when you were ready for me to let go.  I will carry the lessons with me and let you be.  I promise to make you proud.          

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