I’ve been really unsettled the last few days.  There is an incredible amount of uncertainty built into what I do with work and it is getting harder and harder to make sense of it.  So I’ve reached out and started a few ventures on my own and even those started to get a little sticky.  The thought, “I don’t want to deal with any bullshit” kept going through my head.  What I meant by that was I’m really tired of all of the catches and the red tape and the fine print that comes with living.  We put that in place and it is such an unnecessary hurdle.  Life doesn’t work like that, it’s a man made thing.  So things started to fall apart a little bit and this time, instead of panicking, I decided to let them fall apart so they can fall where they need to be. 

Right as I had the “no bullshit” thought, a giant hawk appeared on a post as I was driving home.  That for me was enough motivation to believe that I am not crazy.  There is indeed a lot of bullshit in the world, no one will tell you otherwise, but we get to decide what bullshit we want to deal with.  Brene Brown says, “All the world is a shit sandwich, we just have to decide what kind we are willing to eat.”  And that is the truth.  When something is impugning your character, not your reputation, that is when it has gone too far.  That is a personal level that isn’t healthy and that is a firm boundary I have.  If you want to talk crap about your perception of me, go ahead.  But if you insinuate that I am a certain type of person because of what I did without context, that is a problem. 

Again, we know these things innately and I’ve struggled the last few weeks with feeling crazy for this.  I’ve gone back and forth debating if it was my ego getting in the way again.  I’ve even gone back and forth asking if there was something else I needed to be doing, what more I could be doing.  And it was exhausting.  I realized that physically I might be able to—I’m ok for the most part.  But mentally, I feel like I’m running in a pool filled with mud.  There is no rhyme or reason to figuring people out and it is a waste of energy.  All we can go on is what they show us and if they are showing us that they feel a certain way, they can either address it or not.  But that doesn’t mean they get to address it with other people or make you feel like crap because you can’t figure out the issue.

So follow the signs.  I know I was right on track with where I want to spend my energy.  I know I’m on track with feeling gaslit and that there are deliberate efforts to undermine me and make it look like I’m not doing something right.  I don’t have the time to figure it out any longer.  And I just don’t have the energy or quite frankly the care to do that.  I will tolerate open conversation and direction, but I will not tolerate games and puzzle solving when it comes to figuring out what needs to be done.  We are all adults, and that is my boundary.  Speak or don’t but I won’t be responsible for a guess.  Our instincts are there for a reason—trust them.

We all need reminders of what we are grateful for, and amidst the BS going on in this world, we need to bring our appreciation to the forefront and display it as much as possible.  We need a flood of love and gratitude.  Jay Shetty said, “Gratitude is noticing the good within you, around you, created for you.”  Today is a perfect day to practice that.

I am thankful for my becoming.  I have never hidden my controlling side or my anxious side or my fears…but I also never allowed myself to fully let go.  As much as I reveal here and as much as I share in my life, I am still holding back.  And I realized that serves no one, least of all myself.  See, when you talk in vague generalities, it’s safe.  The stories we share about our lives can be scary either because people don’t understand them or, more likely, because they do.  The stories we share touch parts of us that we have chosen to keep hidden.  But I am grateful for becoming the person who can learn to release layer after layer.  I’m grateful to become the person who creates a space for people to do the same.  I’m grateful to see that I can’t go back.

I am thankful for the infinite patience of the universe.  I’m a smart woman—but incredibly stubborn…so that makes me kind of dumb sometimes.  I often believe that people will eventually recognize what they have to do and do what’s right.  Unfortunately, it takes me a long time to realize that what they think is right or what is actually right for them isn’t necessarily what I think.  I also have a tendency toward control (shocking, I know) so when I am faced with a lesson I need to learn, I have a bad habit of thinking I already know the answer.  I’ve been pretty independent as far as taking care of my needs and I have a role that demands I take charge but life isn’t about taking charge of others.  It’s about learning to direct our own course.  I am thankful the universe is like, “Ok, let’s try that again,” until I learn and move on.

I am thankful for reminders to get out of my self-pity.  I suffer from anxiety and depression and anyone who has that combo knows that there are many highs and lows and it is very easy to get stuck in the sad story you tell yourself.  It is also really easy to allow the feelings to win because they feel so real, it seems like that is all there is.  I know deep down I am not meant to be that type of person.  I am meant to live and love and help people do the same so I have been blessed with an abundance of opportunities in my life to share, to have comfort, to offer help to others, and to have enough security to put me in a position to expand how I offer help to others.  It was a dangerous lack of confidence that held me back.  But that is something that can be overcome.  I’ve been blessed with the tools to help and that is my role.

I am thankful for my opportunities.  There have been days over the last few weeks that felt so heavy that I could barely function.  My mind spun so I literally forgot where I was and where I needed to be a few times.  I could barely breathe or see my own feet in front of me let alone see what was hidden and unfolding at the same time.  I had to stop everything I was doing.  It was the reaffirmation of being on the right path several times that made me stop and simply breathe.  I needed to recognize that everything coming at me wasn’t a negative thing—many of them were opportunities.  The weight was heavy because I was treating it like a circus act, spinning plates, thinking I had to keep them ALL going.  In reality, I just needed to take care of the ones meant for me.

I am thankful for my boundaries.  The holidays for the last few years have looked different with the pandemic and this year is different for other reasons.  Going through the social changes we have over the last few years has shown me where I need to set some boundaries.  We have such limited time on this Earth that we need to make decisions that are right for us.  It can be done lovingly and respectfully and even in that way, it can still make people uncomfortable when you’ve never set the boundary before.  It doesn’t matter.  You aren’t living your life for them.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday

When we walk in the room, we can immediately feel what is going on.  Our bodies and intuition never lie to us.  Like when you walk into a room and it suddenly gets really quiet we start to think that something is going on.  People can tell us that isn’t true all we want, but every instinct in us will say, “No, that doesn’t sit right.”  LISTEN.  We are trained that politeness and deferring to other’s needs is the norm and that we are expected to do that all costs.  I work in healthcare and believe me, your time means nothing to those you work for.  With the exception of death or being broken and bleeding, you better be there and even if you’re incapacitated, they are still going to ask what you can do.  That isn’t life.  So when you know the energy is shifting and you need to hold your own, that is real.

I want to add a quick note about gaslighting here.  I mentioned above that people will try to tell us that what we feel isn’t right.  DO NOT allow that to talk you out of what you know inside is true.  If you feel something, if you see something, if you know what is really going on, trust that with everything inside of you.  We love to place blame in this society but the truth is energy is always a reciprocal.  We do react out of conditioning and beliefs, but we also react in response to other people’s actions.  I’m not saying we don’t have the power to decide how we react, but I am saying there is always an impetus.  You are allowed to hold other people accountable for what they do. 

There is a particular energy in one group I work with that is constantly chaotic and pressing and pushing and always feels unbalanced.  This group often tries to make me fall into that pattern with the, “What If” game.  It happened recently and I refused to play along.  When I didn’t act according to their expected response, they got angry and took it higher than me.  I realized they did that because I didn’t reply the way the expected me to.  They wanted me to get as upset and agitated as they were.  I held my ground.

We own our energy and it is up to us how we spend it.  No one gets to tell us how we feel or how we react.   We are expected to behave as robots and not have emotions when people do things to us yet we are supposed to ask how high when they say jump.  The world doesn’t work that way my friends, and it is up to us to remind whoever we meet that it doesn’t.  I get to decide how I react and where I put my focus.  I will not feel bad because I have to put my energy where it serves.  Life is too short to waste it doing anything other than what is necessary for us as long as do no harm to others.  So keep doing it.

I got home from my 9-5 to work the rest of the day in my office.  I sat and watched the weather outside from my window, seeing the snow start to fall for the first time this year.  The wind howled and the trees bent, dropping leaves along with it under a blanket of grey clouds.  As the weather is getting colder and the light is shifting, we know what this season is.  We feel the call to go inside and think and hibernate and rest.  I love my little space.  This room, completely my own with all of my writing and my books and my blanket and chair, my animals curled up around me—it all feels like home.  I mean, it is my home, but I’m talking about the internal comfort it gives me.  The resonance with who I am.

The world changes and we move at different paces, but sitting here, knowing I am exactly where I’m meant to be is beyond special.  This is where I feel grounded and clear and most empowered to simply BE.  The weather can’t make up its mind because we haven’t fully transitioned to winter, but in here, I know who I am.  This is my element and I love sharing that with you.  When I’m in here, my 9-5 doesn’t matter.  I mean, I get my work done, but it feels completely different.  The same can be said about our internal state when we are in flow.  When we get to that point where it all makes sense and we just go with it, we are at peace because we are at home in ourselves regardless of what goes on outside. 

The card for today was about compassion and extending courtesy and grace and patience to those who are struggling.  Ironically enough, I had four employees with problems today and it was a test of presence and caring and thinking outside the box.  And that is my wheelhouse.  I mean, I struggle with patience all the time, but working with people to make sure they are able to do their best is something I love doing.  I know how challenging it is to pour from an empty cup so when I have a chance to give back, I want to do that.  The world is never settled and there is always something that will go awry especially when you think you have it all figured out.  In those moments we have to tap into that peace we develop for ourselves.  Sometimes someone just needs to hear an outside perspective to make it all click and suddenly it doesn’t seem so overwhelming.

So the weather on this day is a good reminder to allow the changes because there are so many things we will never have any control over.  It’s also a reminder to build that foundation within ourselves because that is the only thing we really have any say in.  Find what gives you peace, what gives you that solid foundation of, “this is who I am” where you are unshakeable no matter what happens.  The seasons always change and we can’t stop it.  We just do our best to prepare and allow it.  That is how we have to go through life sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable.  The inside is what matters, the rest will happen regardless.  So embrace it, knowing who you are.   

I’ve looked at my life a lot and I see those facets that I’m still just not happy with.  Those areas that linger that I want to work on and all of the times I’ve tried to be what other people wanted me to be.  I look at the energy I’ve spent doing what I was told and all the times I was told I fell short instead of being appreciated for what did get done.  Or worse, being reprimanded for something getting done and then being told it was wrong because it wasn’t a certain way.  And I realized that it is so BORING.  Being perfect, following what you’re told to do at all costs is SO boring.  That isn’t living, and it certainly isn’t living the life I or we are meant to. 

When I look forward in my life, I know with everything in my soul that I don’t want to look back and see that I was merely a stepping stone for someone else or a cog in the wheel.  I don’t want to feel like I missed out on the joy that is living.  I want to live.  I want to have an impact doing what I love.  I don’t want to make the perfect life, I want to make the perfect life for me.  I want it to feel cool, like I’m living what I really want to do.  I want to answer the question, “Wouldn’t it be cool if…” with yes, it was every bit as awesome as I thought it would be.  I send a message to my current staff that their lives and well-being comes first at all costs regardless of the fact that we are in an industry that makes us feel otherwise.  If I am not at my best and if I am not taken care of, then I don’t have enough to give elsewhere.  But that is not the world we live in for corporate purposes.  So when we live in two worlds where we know what is right for us but we can’t quite escape the reality, that is when we ask ourselves what we can do…and we need to do that.   

I notice too that no matter what there is always something more expected.  I can give my all and be flat out exhausted at the end of the day and there will always be that, “but you didn’t do this,” or “why did you do that?”  It will never be good enough for some people.  You can disappoint yourself a million times and sacrifice time and energy, the real currency you won’t get back, and it will still not be enough for some.  So to that I say, find a different source.  When things aren’t coalescing that is when we need to pay attention.  If you aren’t getting nourished at the table, find a new table.

I know when I look back at my life, this isn’t it.  This isn’t the end of the story.  In fact, this can be a kind of beginning.  This is the beginning of what matters and letting the rest go away.  This is the beginning when we realize that other people’s opinions literally count for nothing when it comes to doing what you need to do with your life.  This is the beginning of standing up and doing what is right…for ourselves.  Sometimes revolution starts small.  It starts with realizing the façade we wear is too heavy.  That feeling there is something more.  This is the beginning of when we listen to what we want and follow those little things that we think are cool.  Forget the rest.

**Note this was written before the most recent “Sunday Gratitude” Post.

Today I am grateful for the universe and synchronicity.  A week or so ago I wrote a piece called “The Dash” and I talked about making the most of the time we have on this Earth.  I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and working on putting together the pieces of how I want my life to look.  I’m reading Tabitha Brown’s book, Feeding the Soul, and last night, she discussed the same topic.  It hit me right in the face along with her other lessons on being patient and understanding that the world doesn’t work on our timeline.  Things are going just fine and I need to remember that—and be patient.

Today I am grateful for healing.  I have been doing a lot of deep work in between minor mental break downs and overwhelm and constant pressure and I realized that break down is now my break through. I woke up entirely different today, with a clarity I haven’t had before. I know exactly what I will and will not tolerate in my life any longer.  I am aware that it is still going to take time to get where I want to, but I know where I’m going. I know the steps to take to get there because I woke up understanding that this is it.  This is the shot that I have and I don’t want to waste another decade of my life doing what someone else wants me to or building someone else’s dream.  It’s time and I am worth it. 

Today I am grateful for comfort. I feel no guilt for curling up on the couch and watching some TV under a blanket and indulging in some healthy treats.  I’m grateful to find my way back to me and nourish myself mentally by setting the boundary for what I will tolerate and physically with some cooking.  I got back in the kitchen for the first time in months to meal prep for the short week and it felt amazing.  It was time to prioritize my health again.  And I did some self-care last night and am just getting myself on this new track.  Trying new things and allowing things to happen as they need to.   

Today I am grateful to be in my skin.  I am legitimately thrilled to be in my home, watching my TV, in my office, playing with my kid, cooking in my kitchen, doing the things I want to be doing.  I have read in other works before talking about a sudden awakening, a sudden shift in perspective where you are suddenly never the same again.  I woke up today absolutely different today.  There is something to be said for making decisions that are for you alone that puts you firmly in your own identity.  It isn’t about arrogance or making things go your way, but standing in the unshakeable foundation of who you are clarifies where to go next.  It feels like it has been years I’ve been looking for the missing puzzle pieces and suddenly they are there.  I am able to put it together into the work that I am.  And I am happy.

Today I am grateful for reminders of love.  My husband and I were talking about our parents and grand parents on Saturday and I mentioned a sign that my grandmother had.  He offhandedly said, “The one that was in her kitchen?”  I nearly broke down crying because I never talked about it and although he knew my grandmother well, I didn’t think he paid attention to that.  It meant so much to me and I realized that I really am too hard on him.  I mean, some of the complaints are legitimate but I can ease up.  I don’t give him enough credit at times and I have to remember that he does love me.  It’s our job to support each other, not to do what the other one says—we are both meant to be happy. 

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead!

“Have no fear of perfection—you’ll never reach it,” Salvador Dali.  When I look over the course of my life in the context of this quote, I feel a sort of melancholy.  It’s simultaneously an acceptance that all is as it should be (and went how it was supposed to) and a sadness over time lost.  That is where it gets a bit bitter.  My head gets caught in the time lost, because I spent YEARS of my life trying to be perfect, always trying to make the right decision and do the right thing, always searching for the thing that would get me where I wanted to go the fastest.  I feel sad because there is always that, “If only it went this way, it would have been fine,” all while knowing I can’t change anything about the past.

I know I’m not alone in feeling that way.  But I also know the lesson I’m supposed to learn is that even if things aren’t perfect, they are perfect how they happen.  That gives me some level of comfort to reframe that I did the best I could with what I had and with what I knew.  Yes, it’s painful knowing things could have been different but I also take comfort in knowing they CAN’T be.  Nature takes care of itself and if it was meant to go any other way, it would have.  So the sooner we develop an understanding that perfection is an illusion regardless of the standard we set, the sooner we will be able to move through life content that our best is enough.  We are taught that perfection makes us worthy because society wants us to forget that we are perfect as is.   

As sick as it is, I love that Dali puts fear and perfection together—because the fear isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being “kicked out” because we aren’t perfect.  We’ve always had this expectation of outward perfection in society and the fear is that if we aren’t perfect, we aren’t worthy of acceptance.  So when we learn that it’s unattainable anyway and we KNOW that everyone is inherently flawed, we suddenly realize that perfection is a myth.  It’s so much easier to go through life knowing we aren’t meant to be perfect—we are meant to live.  And life is messy, but that is exactly what it’s meant to be.  Creation isn’t clean and we are always creating something. 

So take the pressure off and don’t shoot for perfection—just go for what is you.  Go for authenticity and fun and what brings you joy.  Because your joy will inspire more creation that perfection ever could.  Setting an unattainable goal makes it that much easier to give up on it when it isn’t turning out how you thought it would.  But when we set our sights on what is right and what we know is true for us, it is much easier to stick with it and be proud of those results.  Authenticity beats perfection any day.

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk back,” Abraham Lincoln.  I saw this randomly after completing the piece about asking directions and I felt it was appropriate.  In this life we are constantly being brought up to make quick decisions.  We are connected all the time and the world moves 24/7.  It goes against everything in us to slow down and consider what our next step is.  We take the leap and much of the time we will land just fine.  We will be able to make a decision (or another leap) from that point and we continue doing that, always forced to maintain momentum. 

There’s another way.  Taking the time to calculate what the goal is and weigh what our actions can yield often reaps greater rewards.  I’m not saying there isn’t a time to take the leap and just go for it—I preach it ALL the time.  But I am saying even that leap needs to be intentional.  Wildly jumping in the air flapping your arms doesn’t mean you will fly.  Sometimes you have to climb to the top of the mountain to catch the right wind to soar. 

Being intentional means that you let the extraneous go.  The noise, the opinions, the fears, the “shoulds”—you drop all of it.  It’s unnecessary baggage and all of that comes from the outside anyway.  It’s all distraction.  Intentional also means you make the choice and you stick with it.  Granted you will need to pivot along the way—that is just life—but you stay the path.  You make your decision because you know it to be valid and true and you keep that course.  Sometimes you need to check your inner map and that means consulting what you know is true inside.  You don’t seek outside interference from people who aren’t going where you are.   

The last point of this is essentially no regrets.  Not only do we stick with our choices, we don’t lament them.  Honestly, there is no need to if you’re able to live those choices with integrity and pivot as needed.  When we talk about staying the course, it isn’t about a stubborn will to make what you want happen.  It’s about knowing the path you want to take and sticking with it through all the curves and bends.  It’s learning how to navigate the twists rather than bulldozing a straight line through territory you’re not meant to go.  If you are able to do that, there will be no desire to look back.  You won’t need to retrace your steps because you will end up exactly where you need to be.  So break the patterns and go slow.  Evaluate your next step and plan so the leaps will take you as far as you need to go.  Then go for it.

“This life is mine alone so I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been,” Glennon Doyle.  The first thing I want to talk about is that if you’re inspired to build something, don’t let someone talk you out of it because they are familiar to you (family, friends, etc.).  Those closest to us will try to keep us as they know us.  Those who don’t know us will try to fit us in their box, defining us by what they know.  The other day I wrote about the trees I saw entwined and it reminds me of this as well: just because things don’t look a certain way doesn’t mean it isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  The other side to this is sometimes you have to go places that other people don’t.  It may feel lonely, but we have a path laid out for us.

Sometimes we just have to embrace who we are whether others embrace that or not.  We need to have the confidence to be who we are because we know what we are doing is meant to be, rather than allow someone to push us in a direction that is more comfortable for them.  We also have to TRUST that we are guided where we are meant to be.  No one can tell you where you are supposed to go—that is a contract you signed when you came here.  You know the fine print, you just need to remember.

We are SO trained to do what we are told and to go with the crowd because that is where we are safe.  The known keeps us safe.  For people relying on the safety of familiarity (for whatever reason), they won’t look outside of their comfort zone to see where you are going.  Taking that step off the path can be terrifying, but when we are called to do it, we feel it so deeply that we know we have to.  So, when you hear that voice, don’t ask anyone about it.  Trust that it is a sign and follow.  I mean, let’s be clear I’m not talking about recklessly abandoning your life and those around you.  I’m talking about honoring what you know is true and following that curiosity to see where it brings you.

I mentioned trust above and I want to emphasize how important it is to trust ourselves.  I know I want to bring everyone with me—my husband, my friends, my family—but I have to accept that they will follow their own paths.  I also have to accept that they want me to go with them as well and that my path may not go the same route as theirs.  While this is out of love, sometimes we have to just let each other go our own way.  We will always find each other again, but we need to experience certain things on our own.  We are all given instinct for a reason—we aren’t meant to rely on someone else to drive us where we need to go.  We are meant to forge a path of our own and to show others how to do that as well.  So stop asking people for directions when YOU are holding the map.

So, I did something highly out of character for myself.  I read “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki and the timing just so happened to coincide with a woman reaching out to me regarding a new business.  Truly, I had no interest in it since I’m working full time and starting my own business as well.  Plus the type of work she was suggesting isn’t something I’m really interested in.  But as I was reading the book, there was a line about the type of work we should try in order to learn new skills.  It was the EXACT type of work that this woman was reaching out to me about.  So in a show of faith and with the intention of learning  the skills that the universe clearly wants me to have, I dove in and said yes.

It has been highly uncomfortable.  I’m doing things and reaching out to people about things I’m not even familiar with and I’m working with products I normally don’t discuss with others.  But there is something underneath that I admit feels good.  There is definitely a camaraderie I’ve never experienced before and I’m learning self-promotion skills I thought were a bit much before.  Now I see those skills will carry me in my own business as well.  I’m still not sure if this is something that will “turn out” for me, but it is something that will teach me. I realized that I had been given this opportunity several times before and I turned it down because of other things going on, but it came back into my life this time for a reason.       

Sometimes the universe brings lessons into your life repeatedly because you are MEANT to figure it out.  I had been so resistant to this in my life that I never saw myself doing something like this and here I am.  Things come to you at the right time.  As I worked today, I found myself looking around my office feeling really grateful that I was trying something new even though I’m terrified. I started imagining my life looking a bit different.  Spending my day with people, reading all of my books and using those to share my message with others.  To really define my base and take that information out into the world as I’ve been trying to help people find their way.  I needed to find my own way.  My entire body got warm.

I’m excited to share some of the new things I’m learning with you and I’m excited to be out of my comfort zone.  That is truly where growth happens, and I’ve preached it a million times.  I’m glad to try it now.  We talked the other week about how sometimes the very thing you don’t want to do is exactly what you need to do.  So I’m leaning in and leaping forward to see where this brings me.  What are you taking the chance on today?