I’ve been really unsettled the last few days. There is an incredible amount of uncertainty built into what I do with work and it is getting harder and harder to make sense of it. So I’ve reached out and started a few ventures on my own and even those started to get a little sticky. The thought, “I don’t want to deal with any bullshit” kept going through my head. What I meant by that was I’m really tired of all of the catches and the red tape and the fine print that comes with living. We put that in place and it is such an unnecessary hurdle. Life doesn’t work like that, it’s a man made thing. So things started to fall apart a little bit and this time, instead of panicking, I decided to let them fall apart so they can fall where they need to be.
Right as I had the “no bullshit” thought, a giant hawk appeared on a post as I was driving home. That for me was enough motivation to believe that I am not crazy. There is indeed a lot of bullshit in the world, no one will tell you otherwise, but we get to decide what bullshit we want to deal with. Brene Brown says, “All the world is a shit sandwich, we just have to decide what kind we are willing to eat.” And that is the truth. When something is impugning your character, not your reputation, that is when it has gone too far. That is a personal level that isn’t healthy and that is a firm boundary I have. If you want to talk crap about your perception of me, go ahead. But if you insinuate that I am a certain type of person because of what I did without context, that is a problem.
Again, we know these things innately and I’ve struggled the last few weeks with feeling crazy for this. I’ve gone back and forth debating if it was my ego getting in the way again. I’ve even gone back and forth asking if there was something else I needed to be doing, what more I could be doing. And it was exhausting. I realized that physically I might be able to—I’m ok for the most part. But mentally, I feel like I’m running in a pool filled with mud. There is no rhyme or reason to figuring people out and it is a waste of energy. All we can go on is what they show us and if they are showing us that they feel a certain way, they can either address it or not. But that doesn’t mean they get to address it with other people or make you feel like crap because you can’t figure out the issue.
So follow the signs. I know I was right on track with where I want to spend my energy. I know I’m on track with feeling gaslit and that there are deliberate efforts to undermine me and make it look like I’m not doing something right. I don’t have the time to figure it out any longer. And I just don’t have the energy or quite frankly the care to do that. I will tolerate open conversation and direction, but I will not tolerate games and puzzle solving when it comes to figuring out what needs to be done. We are all adults, and that is my boundary. Speak or don’t but I won’t be responsible for a guess. Our instincts are there for a reason—trust them.