I’ve been learning a new role for some work that I’ve taken on the side and I’ve been measured in what I’ve taken on for a lot of what I thought were logical reasons.  I have a lot of obligations outside of this new gig (as we all do) and I’m taking my time in adding new responsibilities to my life.  Plus I’ve reconsidered a lot of what I want to do and I’m getting better at setting boundaries with what I’m willing to take on.  After all, it is my time and I do have a say in how I spend it.  But I never considered if I felt that way simply because I wanted to control how I spent my time.  While most of that is absolutely practical and logical, there is always a part about control.  Like, we hold ourselves back from fully committing because we don’t know what we will get.

So I had a conversation with a woman I work with and she made the comment about leaning into what we are doing and embracing it.  Her tone woke me up to something inside of me.  I realized that I was trying to avoid commitment in order to keep my options open.  I avoid going all in because I don’t want to end up responsible for something I don’t want to do again.  That has happened too many times in my life and, in truth, that is something I refuse to do.  I will not put myself in a position where I am left holding the bag for someone or where I am responsible to someone else’s dreams before my own.

But what dawned on me is that I have ALWAYS held back for that reason.  Yes, I definitely have been taken advantage of before and who likes putting in effort for no return?  But I intentionally never went all in because I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of cleaning something up on my own if it wasn’t what I really wanted.  I’ve learned that life doesn’t work like that.  In order to get anything out of it, we have to go all in regardless of the return.  The truth is, even if the return doesn’t look how we think it should, we are still getting something out of it.  We are always learning.  Any fears I may have about “wasting” time or things not being done at the right time are unfounded—and I’ve always had this weird anxiety with time.  In high school I literally wouldn’t go out to someone’s house after school because I knew my mom wouldn’t pick me up after a certain time of night.  I missed the “after audition” for orchesis because I was too tired.  In college I had a four hour once a week med term class that I would always leave halfway through because I couldn’t convince myself to stay until 9:30 at night.  I mean, I also already knew 90% of that material, but I left because of the time.  The same at parties..unless it was at my house, I would always leave early.  That is neurotic.

The universe works in mysterious ways until it gives you signs so blatant you can no longer miss them.  My conversation with my co-worker/mentor was that sign for me.  I realized that there is no reason to continually leave the party early.  Or not fully engage in what I’ve decided to take on.  There will always be things in the world that we don’t want to do—or parts of things we don’t want to do.  We have to learn that it’s all part of the sandwich so to speak.  But when we fully lean in, that is when we get the most out of it.  And yes, you may feel ridiculous learning something or doing something for the first time—you may end up not even liking it—but you can say you tried it.  You may even surprise yourself.  So I’m leaning in and I will take on what I can to move forward.  I will learn the lessons and apply them.  That is what it’s all about.   

Today I am grateful for the ability to align with the universe a bit more.  Yesterday my husband had a conversation with a family member and it really triggered me because there are similarities in his behavior.  We discussed it and I told him my concerns, and as soon as I was done, I heard a voice say, “Her story is not yours.”  Instantly calm washed over me.  I picked up a book I’m reading and within a few pages, the line, “Their story is not mine,” popped up.  I immediately started laughing.  The universe teaches us to redirect in funny ways sometimes—or not so funny but more direct ways 😊.  The point is to listen—and I heard that loud and clear last night and I trusted the message I heard was real only to have it confirmed in the book.  I drew some cards this morning and they all talked about releasing fear and aligning with love.  The universe is love—we just need to remember that.

Today I am grateful for timing.  Continuing on with alignment, the universe has a way of letting us know what to prioritize.  My health is better than it was a year ago, but I still have work to do.  My husband has done an amazing job at cutting out some of the bad habits he had, specifically with sugar, and he has seen amazing results.  As we were talking yesterday, I found myself thinking, “this is an area that I need to stick with as well, he’s doing a great job.  He’s showing me how to stick with it.”  Later, our neighbors contacted us asking if we wanted to take some workout equipment from them.  We had been volleying back and forth for a while on whether or not to buy some equipment to keep moving forward, and then they come through and offer it to us.  Love how the universe works!

Today I am grateful to acknowledge the habits I’ve had that were created in fear.  I’m grateful for this because I see where I’ve been holding myself back and need to make some changes.  I see how what I thought was protecting me really was created as a way to hold onto something that needed to be released.  I see how the habits I have around people and what I do in my home are designed to keep me “safe” but they have done me more harm than good.  I understand those fears (and they still pop up constantly) were the result of trauma and the fear of loss.  I also understand that life moves in ways that can be painful at times.  We never think we are ready and we are pushed, or we think we can’t live without someone/something and they/it are taken away.  But habits that stem from that fear place aren’t good for us and time moves on no matter what we do.  It isn’t personal, it is the nature of life—or the life of nature.  So we can get on board or we can fight it—but we know what is easier.

Today I am grateful for knowing who I am.  I’ve spent a lot of time uncomfortable with setting boundaries or voicing my opinion to not be heard.  But as I work through the journey of learning who I am, I know I need to learn when what I need is no longer being served. 

Today I am grateful for the reminder to be patient.  I have a lot of expectations in this life and there are times I push too hard.  I don’t deal well with things not working how they “should” or going to plan, but I am so grateful for all of the reminders to keep being patient, to keep learning to accept.  That has been one of the most difficult journeys for me by far, but I am grateful that I am given chances to figure out what I need to do in a way that works for me.

Today I am grateful for new opportunities.  Along with being patient and reminders of who I am, the opportunities that I have been given have been waiting for me as well.  We repeat the same lessons until we learn them.  I know what is meant for me, and it is time to honor that gift and those opportunities by seizing them and seeing them through.  I am grateful for the patience of the universe to see those opportunities through.  

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.

We all have feelings that come up and we feel like we can’t control them.  I’ve always spoken about allowing them to happen but not letting them control us because when we experience them, we aren’t always aware of what is actually happening.  Sometimes it has nothing to do with us.  I was at work the other day and preparing some space for our move.  I had a question about a personal item that wasn’t anyone of ours and my coworker responded with agitation, stating she needed to get her work done and asking why I was doing this now.  My immediate feelings were anger and frustration.  I didn’t understand why she was reacting so hostilely.  I told her it wasn’t that big of a deal and that it was something I didn’t want to wait until Friday for because it involved someone else and I wanted to give them time to get their stuff.  She later apologized for snapping at me and I told her my boss had asked me to do it—and planning moves isn’t something you can do last minute.

Shortly after that, I went to pick up my son and had a conversation with my mom that set me off.  For the record, I didn’t react to her in the moment, but as I thought about it, I realized I was sitting with some deeper stuff.  She told me that she had spoken with my sister and my sister got some really great news and I felt jealousy about it.  And then the conversation turned toward planning our holiday and my mom let me know she asked my sister about preparing something that I hadn’t asked her to do yet.  The combination of being questioned about what I was doing at work, my sister succeeding, and then my mother taking a step she didn’t need to made me feel like it was “yet another” circumstance where my judgement was being questioned and how I run things wasn’t good enough.  That’s when it clicked: this had nothing to do with what she did, it was how I was feeling about what she said.

I wasn’t angry as I initially thought, I was insecure and I felt unsafe and I was hurt.  As a leader and perfectionist, I naturally want to control and I don’t like it when people circumvent me…which, no lie, happens a lot.  My demeanor must come across as someone that isn’t doing enough or isn’t competent or isn’t worried enough about things.  Or maybe THAT is my fear—that I look like I’m not doing enough.  And honestly, I understand where that my disconcert people, but I won’t change it.  I refuse to let the fear of others seep into my life.  My job is to run the show as smoothly as I can, not to jump at everything that comes my way.  It’s my job to determine what the problem is and to address it accordingly.  So I don’t like the implication I’m not doing my job when I don’t jump to someone’s demands. 

The more I dug into this, I realized that I’m also frustrated with being held to a different standard.  I’m highly intuitive and I pick up on what other people feel—I’m an empath so I feel where people are coming from and I understand it…but I don’t often feel that reciprocated.  It’s painful to feel misunderstood and to be expected to handle all of my shit alone on top of everyone else’s.  I also don’t want to react or behave like other people.  I don’t want to behave how they expect me to because I need to live to my expectations.  I understand that if we are going for something different/trying something different, people will resist.  But that doesn’t give them the right to ignore the humanity inherent in all of us.  And they don’t need to live to my expectations either, but there are certain things in healthy relationships that happen and that includes directly addressing each other.

The biggest point is I don’t like feeling dismissed or ignored and this is a huge point of contention for me. Is it ego or is it a “valid” feeling.  I’ve tied my worth to being heard and respected and appreciated—that is on me.  But I don’t like the feeling of being overlooked and ignored, even after I expressed the need to be heard.  I am open enough to allow space for people to express themselves, I want the same for me.  So…do I stay in these environments where I am completely overlooked?  Or do I check the ego?  I’m not using anyone to fill what is missing within me and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I refuse to let myself be used to do that for anyone else. 

So, we need to remember that what we are initially feeling may not be what we are really feeling.  I’m working on that.  Creating space for grace and allowing people to express themselves without internalizing it ourselves is a huge step.  When I felt ignored and dismissed by both my mother and coworker, the act didn’t make me angry—it triggered my fear of being isolated and unheard.  What reactions do you have that aren’t what they seem?  How can you dig deeper and identify what it really is?   

“You can change your mind now but you can’t change your decision,” Dijon.  This just speaks to my soul on so many levels and if you’re here, I think it will speak to you too.  At so many points in my life I’ve wanted to go back and do things differently.  I wanted the outcome to be different and I just thought if I kept thinking it over and over again I would have the opportunity to change it.  The truth is we can’t change what was, that is something we all agree on and understand.  But you can always change your mind and make a new decision going forward. 

In life there are going to be things we wish played out differently.  For me, there is a strong emotional attachment to wishing I could fix something or make it how I envisioned it in the first place.  I spent a lot of time trying to convince people to see things my way and to do it how I felt was appropriate because I was trying to avoid getting hurt.  And there are times I wish it was different because I voiced my opinion and it was ignored only for the scenario to play out exactly as I said it would if we didn’t do something…and then I was expected to fix it.  But I’ve learned to not regret doing things that help others as much as it hurts when those people only have negative things to say.   

We can’t control other people but we can control ourselves and we all reach a pivotal moment when we have to decide if we are going to continue spending time making people see things our way and forcing them to do things or if we are going to let it lie and start making decisions that make sense for us.  All of the moments I decided to do something hoping for an outcome, or when I did them hoping people would see me a certain way or even reciprocate, it blew up in my face.  I wasted years like that.  THAT is my biggest regret: the time lost to wishing for things that never would have played out a different way anyway.  I regret not making decisions for myself sooner and taking the safe path because that doesn’t always work out—and even if it does work out, you’re still limited by the people who designed the path. 

So.  Make the choices that suit you—I’m not talking out of selfish reasons or with manipulation in mind, but because we have one life and it is too damn short to waste making a decision that doesn’t move you forward somehow.  I’m not saying there aren’t lessons to learn and of course we all need help every now and then.  But do not make a decision hoping for an outcome that people aren’t capable of giving you.  You have to learn to manifest that outcome yourself.  And we all have the power to do that.  When we are in touch with our purpose and aligned with the actions that get us there, it flows differently.  So don’t regret that you can’t change your mind over what is gone, rather celebrate that you can change it again and start over.    

I wanted to talk about a different experience I had recently.  I’ve been looking into meditation to help with a few different things—calming my anxiety, increasing faith, improving patience, keeping me centered, helping me focus etc.  I’ve always struggled with meditation because of the whole controlling my mind thing—my mind goes in so many directions and I know that nearly everyone struggles with that at first.  Regardless, I found one the other day about cord cutting.  I’ve actually had one experience with that before during my massage therapy days and it wasn’t something I thought I would do again because it didn’t feel that effective and it certainly wasn’t that long lasting.  But after the experience I had the other day, I can say that I probably wasn’t ready for it the first time. 

So, for anyone who isn’t familiar, cord cutting is when you look to the energetic cords that tie us to specific individuals.  It’s said that we all have these cords tying us to everyone and they vary in their strength depending on the relationship.  When there are unhealthy habits or when the energy is no longer serving, we have the option to cut the cord and sever that specific energetic tie to that person or at least significantly alter it. 

Now onto what happened this time around.  So I found it and there was something in the description that immediately drew me to it.  It wasn’t anything specific in the words, honestly, but when I read it I knew I had to try it.  I saw that it was three minutes so I thought to myself, “Great, I can literally do this now before work.”  So I did.  The person that I thought of is someone that I get pretty codependent with at times and I have known for a while I need to fix that.  When the meditation started with the visualization of the cord, I actually felt it.  It spread nearly my entire abdomen and straight to my chest.  When the actual cutting visualization took place, I felt the pressure release.

After it was done, the feeling of the cord, like an umbilical, felt so strong in my chest, I couldn’t believe it.  I felt it for hours afterward.  It wasn’t even the cut, I could still feel the weight of what remained attached to me energetically.  I have every ounce of faith in the energy of the universe and I have no doubt it exists, but I will fully admit that this was the first time I felt something so physically real.  That is a powerful spiritual thing and a perfect demonstration of how we have the power to shift our focus.

I don’t claim this will work for everyone, but I will most definitively say that this was one experience that felt significant.  There was an undeniable visceral feeling with the visualizations.  For someone who doesn’t meditate and who didn’t have a stunning experience the first time around, this changed something in me.  It’s these types of experiences that personally make me want to keep going down this avenue.  There ARE things that work, sometimes we just have to work to find the right one for us. This one in particular is something I may try again as these things need to be repeated—and when we find something that works, it’s good to stick with it.  What is something you’ve tried that is “out there”? 

“You can’t take that pressure off just to put it on me,” Dijon.  Following up on making opportunities ours, I want to send out a little reminder about guilt and letting it go.  I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I felt guilty not “going with the program” for a while.  I needed to reconcile what I thought I needed to do with what it really was.  I learned it was ok to disappoint others for the sake of honoring what I needed to do.  And if someone isn’t ok with you doing what you need to do for yourself, then those aren’t the people you need in your life regardless. 

In building the life we want we will constantly be faced with the choice to take steps forward toward our goals or making other people happy.  But the truth is they aren’t living your life.  They don’t have the map to where you’re going so why would you let them drive?  And those boundaries are key.  It isn’t up to them to make you follow through on their goals—that is manipulation. Your life’s purpose isn’t to fulfill other people’s goals—it is to fulfill your own. 

Our lives aren’t meant to bear the burden of someone else’s goals and responsibilities.  Don’t allow them to gaslight you into believing you’re bad or lazy for not putting their goals before your own.  Taking the time you have to work toward your purpose is EXACTLY what you need to do.  So don’t be the bearer of their outcomes or the one who takes away their sadness or even the person who becomes the reason they didn’t reach their peak.  If someone puts that type of energy on you, it is more than ok to lovingly say, “no.” 

I wrote last week about the opportunity I took a chance on.  I had been hesitant to start it as I mentioned because it’s in a field that I never saw myself in and, quite frankly, don’t really trust.  As I’ve been learning about this I see that there are different skill sets that can help me even if I didn’t think that they were for me.  So much of it felt inauthentic and salesy or like a gimmick to try and sell people on a miracle cure for themselves.  But the more I dig into it, the more I see that there are opportunities to apply those skills to what I love—coaching and helping people. 

See, for a while I found myself trying to please again.  A lot of this training involved homework of sorts and I understood the purpose behind it, but I found myself forcing time on it that I didn’t have with constraints at work and with starting my own business.  I realized that I was forcing that time when I could be working on my own projects.  I felt like I had been so stumped and I was shifting my own deadlines and I realized that if I can shift my time like that for someone else, I can use that to my advantage for my business.  I’d rather be funding my own dream than someone else’s at this point.  Again, not that the lessons aren’t valuable, I just need to prioritize.

I also learned that I can take an opportunity and make it something else.  My life (our lives) aren’t about making it look like someone else’s vision.  It’s about making it what works for us and using our talents and time to make a life that is authentic for ourselves.  So what started with the goal of brining in extra income (which can still happen in the long term) became taking those skills to apply them to my business and to develop my talents. 

This is also about boundaries.  We have a finite amount of time and we don’t know what that amount is.  I no longer want to repeat the patterns of asking permission, playing it someone else’s way, and waiting for someone to recognize my worth/praise me and to “let” me progress.  I’m sharpening my skills and moving forward in my own way.  It’s amazing how shifting perspective opens up new possibilities and new avenues to take.  It’s like a giant puzzle falling into place…like someone just gave me the piece I’ve been missing. 

So take the shots that you’re given.  And when you have the opportunity, put your own spin on it.  Make it your own—that’s what it’s all about.  Don’t worry about what others think and don’t worry about living up to their expectations.  What’s more, don’t worry about doing it on their timeline or in the exact way they tell you.  We are meant to learn so take what lessons are meant for YOU and apply them where it works for you.  You get to create your own picture taking the pieces that work for you.  You are making that puzzle and when you look back on it, you will see the whole picture for what it is.  Some of us are born with that vison, some of us need to take pieces one at a time and find their spot until we figure out what the rest looks like.  It’s all up to you.

There’s a new skill…we no longer demand of people, telling/making them do what we want. No.  We are far more insidious than that.  We manipulate and drive people to become something they are not.  We make them believe they want it and that they need it.  We make them believe it was their idea and blame them when they wake up saying it was their choice all along.  And I say no to that.  I’m the kind of person who will absolutely try to brainwash you but I will brainwash you into believing that you are capable and can do anything on your own.  I’m the kind of person who says the idea of a system is great as long as it works for the people and you don’t have people working for the system.  But that is not the reality we live in right now.  Now we are content to escape to a reality that doesn’t exist because being here is simply too painful.  It is simply too much.  So we sacrifice what reality IS and go for something we can imagine.  We don’t have the energy to make what IS any better because we are so bogged down.  The wheel is breaking my friends.  And it can no longer sustain the in-between age of creating something new while maintaining the old regime.  There is room for a lot in this world, but that dichotomy isn’t something it can support.  We have to choose, one way or the other.  We can’t have both.  We have to lovingly accept what is, thank what was, and leg go of what no longer serves.  Release.  Allow.  Breathe.

We live in this type of culture where manipulation and influencing and coercion are the norm and we wonder why we feel so drained all the time.  Our energy is literally everywhere but with us.  Throw in the expectation to be available 24/7 to anyone all while trying to survive in the working world and it is another unsustainable system.  We have to reclaim who we are.  for me that starts with boundaries.  I recognize that this isn’t a way to live.  I see that this isn’t the way to move forward.  I see that people are breaking and having to make decisions based on their self-worth and their survival that no human should have to endure.  We all deserve love and peace.  That is the minimum of being human.  So reclaim that energy and I’m doing that by taking my time and spending it how I want to.  I’m creating the life I want by what I’m saying yes to…and what I’m saying no to.  Your feelings have no bearing on what I KNOW I need for me.  And my needs will ALWAYS trump your wants.

I’m not saying I’m some puritanical angel with a heart of gold blah, blah, blah.  I’m saying that I wear my heart on my sleeve and what I feel is real.  When I want people to succeed, I mean that.  When I have an issue with someone, you will damn well feel it when I walk in the room.  I’m upfront and honest and yes, it has cost me a lot, but it has also given me clarity.  I’ve learned when I need to be more open.  I’ve learned when I need to give people the benefit of the doubt, and yes, I’ve learned when I need to be more patient.  I’ve also learned to accept that my reality is actually pretty damn good.  All the bitching and whining over the years, the wasted time waiting for things to be perfect before moving, all the fights and forced stops put my life on hold for a long time and now I see where the boundary is.  I used to feel empowered offering a defiant no to someone asking me to do something out of my comfort zone.  Now I know when I need to look at the opportunity and offer something more from myself. All of that anger was because I used to waste my energy doing things for people hoping they would like me.  It’s different when you do something because you want to.

So it is ok to set the boundary and say no to manipulation.  It is ok to not follow an influencer or to even be interested in influencing anyone.  It is 100% necessary to see through the staged lives we are trained to believe are normal and to see through the manipulation we are force-fed every day—I’m talking about ads and work and our government and the people trying to make a buck off of you without really offering any value.  It’s time to wake up and see what our role is in this type of society.  We can continue to keep our eyes closed and pretend it doesn’t impact us as we go to buy the latest cell phones or when we put in extra hours for our boss and miss another event for our kids.  OR.  We can stand up and say, “No thank you.  I have other things to do with my time.”  It’s scary to do that.  But the more we normalize reality and start re-prioritizing what is important, the more we recognize that the most precious things in our lives are right in front of us, the more people will start to feel comfortable with that.  It shouldn’t be a luxury to have dinner with your family.  Or to go for a hike.  Or to take a vacation.  Or to afford some damn shoes/food/a place to live.  It’s all in our hands.  What are you going to choose?  What are you an example of?  

Today I am grateful for cleansing.  I didn’t make the wisest of choices this weekend and I lovingly welcomed a relationship with hydration and cleaning this morning.  I adore the cleansing power of water whether it is simply time to shower, or to deep scour the house/do the laundry, wash the dishes, or hydrating.  This may seem facetious but I am completely honest—and I never take for granted having access to this resource. It absolutely saved me this morning physically and spiritually.  On that topic, I began a process of letting go (again) this weekend.  As we started decorating for the holidays, there were things I hadn’t used in years that I eliminated.  It was time to let go of the physical clutter.  It is time to be present instead of clinging to memories of times gone by.  I will keep the memory with me, but I lovingly release the physical burden.

Today I am grateful for laughter and making memories.  We had a wonderful day together yesterday decorating and spending time with family.  I will forever cherish the time my son gets to spend with his grandparents and seeing how he lights up whether they are cuddling together on the couch or if they are taking him out—he just loves having time with them.  I’m learning to get out of the way of that relationship because there is more value in the time they have together than the concerns I have about him getting overly spoiled.

Today I am grateful for new traditions.  We spent the Thanksgiving holiday alone for the second year in a row.  Last year felt really different—it was sad and lonely and I put together an entire meal for us.  This year, we went moderate and we didn’t even have turkey.  We simply spent time together, made a few of our favorite sides, reflected on being together, and enjoyed the time.  We didn’t overwhelm ourselves with anything, we didn’t put on a show for anything, we didn’t do anything out of obligation.  We just did what felt right for us.  With this, I am grateful for our space…someday in the future when all of this calms down and we have a normal that feels normal to us, this home will host parties and we will make even more memories, laughter will fill this house, we will make it messy, we will get loud, the doors will open to new people and our loved ones, and we will all be together.

Today I am grateful for integration of lessons.  I have been putting in a lot of work in the personal-development department.  For a long time I thought the progress I made was something to be hard-won, achieved and then move on to the next level.  I see it doesn’t work like that.  There is a period in learning where you have to actually make sure you understand what you’re taking in.  Until you get the lesson, you will repeat it in new ways until it sinks in.  I have a bad habit of task-listing my life, trying to get through the day by marking off things I need to do, and I treated development the same way—read this book, reach out to these people, but I never learned to develop myself enough to form the relationship.  It isn’t about completing anything—it’s about incorporating it.           

Today I am grateful to ease the pressure I’ve put on myself.  As I mentioned above, I task-list a lot of my life, trying to get through what I “need” to in order to get to what I want to.  But there is no ease in that.  I understand now the universe is patient—I am not.  Who said I had to devour a book in a certain amount of time?  Who said I couldn’t go back and re-read passages to make more sense of it?  Who said I couldn’t re-read them simply because the words touched my soul? It isn’t about completing, it’s the act of doing.  It’s the joy of doing.  I wanted to have a certain amount done this weekend for no other reason than to say I was done.  Why put that pressure on myself?  Does it make it any less joyful if I finish it during the week?  Life is meant to be savored, not crammed down our throats without tasting it.  I used to be afraid of missing out and needing to take in as much as I could or I wouldn’t get it again.  Now I see you get more out of life when you slow down and savor it and allow it to pass when it’s done.  No clinging, no expectations.  Just awareness and presence.  You move differently that way.

Today I am grateful for my connection with the universe.  Signs are happening more and more frequently and the more I let go, the more I see.  When you create space for yourself to connect with who you are, to connect with those around you, you start to see a plan unfold.  It is magic.  It is so important to keep connected and keep our energy high because that is the meat of it.  It’s in the little things—the way the light looks in your space, how you feel where you are, how you feel when you’re alone and how you feel with the people you surround yourself with.  But the signs are always there and it is up to us to follow them.  I’m grateful to be on board.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

After yesterday’s post about following signs, I wanted to follow up with some real examples of why knowing what matters is so important. Three things happened at work recently that honestly made me question everything I’m doing…and then they made me laugh out loud.  It made me realize that no matter what I do, it will NEVER be right.  There will NEVER be any resolution that works for us and, quite frankly, corporate lives in a dream world.  This whole leadership thing from businesses all the way through our government is a complete farce. 

So, the first thing.  While reviewing upcoming legislation, the presenter repeatedly alluded to the fact that this is new and that the plan as laid out will develop but it is up to us to come up with a contingency plan if what was explained doesn’t work.  Talk about vague and no direction.  Essentially they want us to implement the impossible without any clear guidance.  It also showed the level of interpretation allowed in the healthcare industry and how we can all see the same thing differently.  So how can we come to a solution if we can’t even agree on what the ask is?  We can’t. 

The second thing, while reviewing a policy, we started calling out things that were different from the hospital’s policy.  I got angry immediately because if we have a hospital policy, I don’t feel we should use something different for our specific area.  We aren’t that special or unique that we need something like that.  The conversation got personal when we discussed things that people would do on a daily basis and we completely ignored the fact that we are now in the 21^st century.  The policy was written long enough ago that it desperately needs to be revised.  Not to mention we’ve spent the last two years completely half-assing it and putting things together on the spot.  Why are we trying to garner this type of control now?  It’s plugging a hole to distract from the fact that the rest of the ship is falling apart. 

The third thing was during our system wide meeting when they prioritized patient satisfaction over safety. This is when I laughed out loud.  This group had the audacity to blatantly put in writing that we need to focus in improving patient experience scores over safety.  Now, I will caveat that we are generally a safe facility, however, we are switching our focus to ensure that someone feels good over actually making them better.  I mean, that is the most unrealistic thing I can imagine.  You will NEVER make everyone happy and if you start telling people to switch their focus like that, I guarantee their safety will go out the window.  They weren’t even thinking about what they were asking for.

So…it made me sad and angry.  But also resigned.  It made me realize there is nothing I can do about it.  And nothing I want to try and devote my energy toward to change.  All I can do is control myself and this is something I can decide to participate in or not.  I can decide if this aligns with who I am and what I believe in and whether or not I will continue in that vein.  It’s frustrating but it is also liberating.  When you start seeing the truth and accept things as they are, you are better able to make a decision.  Sometimes that decision is made for you.  When the powers that be decide that how we look is more important than what we do, it’s time for a different direction.  So, thank you for the lesson.