We go through cycles in life where things seem on the uptick for a while and then they go down.  Sometimes they stay down for a while.  If that is true for each of us we have to accept it is true for everyone as well.  Recently work has taken another little turn.  We are all overworked and overwhelmed and we are all responding in different ways.  Recently one of the newer team members has taken an active role with some new projects we have and it was brought to my attention that this person (and one other) have some feelings about me not being involved.  This one person in particular has even taken to sending me emails with direction when I’ve clearly been uninformed this individual has this “boss” role over me.  I was under the impression we are equals—we have the same title.  So the conversation with my actual boss implied heavily that there are some of us not doing enough because we don’t volunteer for these projects.  In this case, I felt the need to defend myself because the old people-pleasing habits came out—all because this one person felt the need to feel important.

The truth of the matter is I have a different interpretation of the assignment.  I took things at face value and they unwound to a point where it truthfully didn’t make sense to me.  I’ve done what I can to learn but it isn’t something I do every day.  I was hired for a different role and then multiple departments were given to me, so this is a realm I am trying to stay afloat, but there are aspects I simply do not understand.  Even if it’s explained to me multiple times, the problem is it still isn’t part of my day to day so it doesn’t stick.  Regardless, there is a gross misunderstanding of what I do.  My boss said that she thinks it will be valuable to explain the day to day to everyone—which made me angry because I’m in the position to justify my work.  My boss should know what I’m doing and I do not keep it a secret. 

There is a common misconception that we are responsible for how people perceive us.  Nothing about that is true, nor is it possible.  It implies we have the power to alter/control other people’s opinions.  I think we are well into an age where we can put the onus of how people treat us or see us back on them.  I recently heard an audio (I apologize, it wasn’t credited so if you know who it is, let me know) that shifted this perception: “I am not intimidating, you are intimidated, I don’t take up too much space, you’re used to people playing small.  My inner light isn’t too bright, you’re just used to dimming your own.  I am not mean or aggressive, I am honest and assertive and that makes you uncomfortable.  I do not make you uncomfortable, my presence challenges your comfort.  None of that is mine.”  Now, I don’t claim that we have zero input in how people perceive us.  But this takes the responsibility of their perception off of us entirely if we feel the need to explain.

We are taught to play a role and how we are supposed to act in certain circumstances and we accept the ridicule or the judgement of others if we don’t live up to that behavior.  There comes a point when we are simply done defending our day to day existence.  If you don’t understand something, it is your responsibility to ask questions and figure it out.  This is about our self-perception and accepting ownership over what is ours versus what is someone else’s.  I am not responsible for you and what you think of me.  You ARE responsible for recognizing how you treat me because of the IDEA you have of me.  And if that boundary continues to be violated then it is time for us to either have a conversation or go separate ways.  We can’t live our lives defending who we are, especially in a work environment.  We have a job to do, not popularity to win.  So I leave that responsibility with you.  I take mine for me and encourage you to do the same. 

Following up on coincidences, I wanted to go into depth about No Mistakes. I mentioned the conversation I had with my mentor regarding obstacles.  She also shared a mantra: “In my life there are no mistakes.”   At first I couldn’t wrap my head around it.  Between dealing with obstacles that seem to have no explanation, reconciling what is in our control, and learning from the challenges, this one put me into a state of great pause.  The simplicity hit me.  And that was yet another coincidence because I had just talked about mindset and the idea of no problem. 

If we are able to tie all of that together, we unlock a new flow in our lives.  If there are no mistakes, if we are guided by signs (coincidences), if we learn our lessons through experience, if we set the intention and allow, then there is NOTHING to fear.  There is no reason to not trust what we are meant to do and whole heartedly jump into our purpose. 

The following morning, I used it on the way to work.  Things have been a bit challenging there again and (like we all do) I found myself in a funk having to go in.  It is so easy for our thoughts to spiral, but I heard my mentor talking about controlling the mind and the responses.  Yet another coincidence and a tie to the Silva Method we just talked about.  So I interrupted the thought and started saying, “There are no mistakes.  You are meant to be on this path and you still have lessons to learn here.”  I did it again on the way home when I got out late.  I genuinely felt better. 

We may not be able to control much but the patterns we’ve talked about and our mind set are definitely in that realm.  Again, that isn’t a new topic here, but it’s a nice reaffirmation of that belief.  It’s also an appreciation for the fact that it doesn’t happen over night.  We have to learn to be patient with ourselves and do the work every day.  It isn’t glamorous, but it is foundational and a strong foundation can take you anywhere.  There aren’t any mistakes as this life teaches us every day.  If something feels like it goes wrong, trust it went right for some reason and stack it as you move up.  there are no mistakes.

I shared some stories about coincidences in last Wednesday’s piece, Unagi.  I really wanted to go more in depth about the coincidences (that aren’t really coincidences) that keep happening.  I have a fabulous mentor for one of my side gigs and we met last week.  She graciously and lovingly talked me through some intense things happening in my life and tried to help find viable solutions to some of what I was carrying.  She told me that it’s time to really integrate and believe the messages I’m sharing because it’s easy to spout that to someone else but it’s another thing to live from that place.  She also talked about obstacles and learning to apply them as an opportunity (not an unfamiliar subject here).  I don’t know if it is a level of delusion or what, but I had to take a moment and understand that yes, that will apply to my life as well.  If we want to grow, we will face obstacles—and that includes me.  The next day, I drew the cards and “Obstacles” came up.  That was complete affirmation of everything she told me.

I’m now done with both Greenlights and The Archer.  I follow an inspirational group for a good morning pep talk and they were relaying a story about the Silva Method.  This is essentially a technique developed in the 50’s by Jose Silva to tap into different energy levels of the brain and increase “psychic” abilities.  I don’t totally think that type of thing is BS because I truly don’t believe in coincidences—I believe they are SIGNS and meant to be.  It isn’t just a statistical anomaly, that is a message.  Regardless, this talk resonated as it relates to brain waves and the science behind thought so I kept listening.  As it went on, they suddenly started talking about Matthew McConaughey, specifically his quote about the target drawing the arrow.  We are always meant to be exactly where we are.

There is SOMETHING linking us all together and there are signs in the places you least expect them.  The talk I was listening to was so obscure and mentioned a technique I had never heard of and was still tied to something I had just experienced. I had no way of knowing this individual had a conversation like that with the actor and author of the book I had just read.  A book about devouring life through sticking the course and having faith.  About setting intentions and believing so deeply there is no choice but for those visions to come to fruition.  For trusting what we are shown and knowing that even if we don’t see it now, if we can’t touch it now that we are right where we are supposed to be.  These things are what makes coincidence validation.  That gives me enough belief in the universe to trust that no matter what happens, it is exactly as it is meant to be—there are no mistakes.

I want to talk about the opportunity to live.  There are reasons we are so sad when we lose a loved one or a pet.  Yes, life is too short no matter how much time we have, but what makes it more painful is that, as we lose people/pets/things, we realize that we never really lived when we had the chance.  We spend our time trying to create identities and trying to be liked.  We tell stories we don’t even believe in order to fit in and we spend our time fulfilling other people’s dreams before our own.  I’m talking about fulfilling expectations from our parents as well as our jobs/school/friends…anyone else.  Then as our time dwindles, or when we unexpectedly lose someone close to us, we start looking at what we are doing differently.  We question how we spend our time.  we ask where our value really lies and the value of the life we are living. 

As I wrote yesterday’s piece about our purpose and not having to fulfill some grand idea of what we are meant to do, the idea of a plant just sitting there being enough struck me.  I mean, duh, I shared it.  But the point really got me thinking about purpose.  Plants literally do nothing more than sit there and go through their entire life cycle in one place.  That is all they are meant to do yet are vital to our existence.  We live in a society that glorifies beauty and gain so much so that we’ve lost touch with the quiet beauty of what is.  We protect the image over the reality because we are afraid the reality won’t be deemed worthy.  We project those fears on others and self-reject before they can hurt us.  Because the truth is, it’s a fine line of wanting to be accepted and putting on a show.  Our lives aren’t a performance piece but the quality is determined by what we do with it.

I sincerely hope that these words resonate and encourage a journey of self-love so powerful that our foundation is unshakeable in our purpose.  That people remember who they are IS enough and that the simple things can be so much greater than the big production we deem necessary to be worthy.  I want people to live a life where their joy and purpose mutually fulfills themselves and others.  That may mean accepting where we are isn’t where we can stay, we need to find that environment that nourishes and supports our growth.  It also means that trusting WHO we are will bring us where we are meant to be even if it doesn’t feel like it. 

Most importantly, I don’t want you to live a life half assed.  Don’t twist yourself into a knot trying to be everything to everyone and then blink and it’s almost over.  No.  Take every delicious bite of what life has to offer you and know you are worth it.  Enjoy.  Laugh.  Take the pictures, sing the damn song (yes even if you’re off key), dance when you don’t know the rhythm because moving your body is joy (and you still CAN).  Appreciate everything you have while you are here because there is no wasted breath.  Don’t wait to live until you can’t.  Don’t live a life laid out before you from someone else and call it living.  The time is now.  LIVE Life.

Today I am grateful for all of the support in my life.  There are so many times I allow myself to fall into some sort of despair over one thing or another.  Times I feel truly alone and empty and sad, like the course I’m on is so bent it can never get where it was meant to go.  But then the universe delivers something: a message, a sign, a person who reminds me of our universal purpose and that we each have a role in it, even me.  I am specifically grateful for the support and patience of those who have helped me work through some obstacles I’ve held closer to me than the goals I’ve been working toward.  These people are gifts in this world and I do not take that for granted.

Today I am grateful to give back.  There are times I’ve felt incredibly selfish in my world because I feared that I wouldn’t get mine.  I’ve held onto things because I’ve passed on opportunities in hopes it would come back only to see effort go unreturned.  I’ve drained myself for the sake of others only to be blamed for my exhaustion.  And today I say: they were right.  I relied on others to fill my cup because I did the same for them.  I didn’t know about healthy exchange of energy.  Now as my health and my sanity move that one degree in the right direction, I retain the energy that is mine and allow myself to feel full and embrace life.  I allow myself to give to those who need it without depleting myself. 

Today I am grateful to feel excitement again.  Regardless of my role in it, I have felt incredibly depressed the last few months.  It takes a lot of soul searching to simultaneously look past the past and take ownership of the future.  The demands we put upon ourselves without really understanding why drain us to the point of no return if we let it.  And it will continue to happen until we decide it’s enough.  When we send the message that we are unworthy or that we have to earn our place, the universe will deliver those circumstances.  When we get excited about our lives and celebrate the opportunities, that is what comes to us.  I’m learning to believe what is coming is better than what was, and to gracefully respect and appreciate the past while letting it stay there.  That is how we get excited for the future.      

Today I am grateful for love.  Sometimes we need reminders that love is truly the way.  Spending time with my family is my favorite way to dive into that feeling.  We’ve been building things together lately and spending time connecting with each other.  I’ve been letting go of my fears with time and simply enjoying the moments I have—that is another act of love.  Being present and enjoying what we are doing rather than needing to be somewhere else.

Today I am grateful to get back in the kitchen.  I’ve been re-evaluating my goals and the things I need to do and that includes keeping on track with my health.  I spent some time today meal prepping again and it felt good.  I even made some healthy treats for the family which they loved.  It often feels like there isn’t enough time to do all the things we want to do, and when we are high functioning in certain areas, self-care tends to go to the way side.  I know it does for me, at least.  So taking the time to get back and create foundational meals for myself is a way of showing myself the love and care I need.  It allows me to do my best for others because I’m taking care of me. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I’ve heard the adage about not blaming the plant for not blooming and changing the environment it is in—I’ve written about it here before.  I’ve heard it applied to other people as well.  Today, I heard it applied to SELF.  If we aren’t blooming, we have to examine our environment.  We have to be discerning enough to know what works for us and what doesn’t.  We have to be sincere enough in our boundaries and our purpose to maintain them and to leave.  Maybe not sincere, but clear.  Also firm enough to stick with it.  I’ve also heard and written about the same thing when it comes to saying loving words to plants and the impact it has on their growth.  I’ve heard it applied to other people.  What if we apply that to ourselves as well?  I mean, it isn’t new or revolutionary, but truly believing and integrating what it means to take care of yourself and to love yourself is really hard to do.  We still feel selfish to love who we are because we always think we need to be what someone else tells us.

We over commit and we want to be liked and we have trauma and we have false beliefs about our worth.  That is a lot of shit to break down to break through.  But getting THERE makes it so much better.  The universe responds to us.  if we love ourselves, we grow.  When we grow, we swerve our purpose.  And don’t confuse your purpose with your value and your worth.  Our purpose is a deeply personal thing—that is why it’s called OUR purpose.  A plant literally just sits there but without them we die.  A plant doesn’t want to rule or be more grand than the plant next to it: it wants to root and photosynthesize and bloom when it needs to let out the beauty it has inside.  We don’t need to achieve anything other than serving our purpose—and again, that is different for everyone.  Some people are meant to be in the limelight so they can entertain, some people are meant to be the life of the party.  Others are meant to more delicately spread/share what we have to say. 

We are in an interesting time when it comes to self-love.  We are smack in the middle of a transition between a generation who emphasized group love but never truly applied it to all people, yet their actions were still rewarded and supported as long as they fit the “appropriate mold” and a generation so focused on internal issues that we have had to redefine identity.  I’ve said here a million times that self love isn’t selfish.  I’ve also written about how, if we are going to have those types of expectations of people that we can’t expect them to be mind readers and adapt to everything we expect because that is when our journey through identity becomes selfish.   But the problem is, we are the result of a generation that didn’t learn true love—they learned conditional love.  They were valued based on their production, not their existence.  And now we have a generation that comes in and says me just being here is enough.  And the ironic part is there is truth to both, we just need to tweak the messaging.

OUR EXISTENCE IS ENOUGH AS LONG AS WE FULFILL THE PURPOSE WE WERE BROUGHT HERE FOR, NOT SOMEONE ELSE’S.  Before you get all worked up, let me explain.  The generation before us was right in the regard we do need to work and we do need to be productive.  But the upcoming generation is right in that production has no value if it isn’t what we know we are meant to do.  That doesn’t mean acquiring things, it means sharing the gifts we have openly.  When we spend our time doing what others expect of us we build resentment because we miss out on the life we are supposed to have.  Again, not that we are all supposed to have grand materialistic lives in the spotlight, but when we waste our days in a cubicle staring at computer screens trying to make the guys above us rich when the universe is telling us to get out there and make some art for people to appreciate, we know we can miss our shot.

It’s time to find the middle ground.  Let’s create a place where we are able to sustain ourselves based on who we are.  Let’s create a reality where we redefine value.  Value isn’t determined by money.  That’s a hard one to swallow for some people.  Value isn’t determined by likes or by attention.  Value is a deeply personal thing.  The truth is we have the most valuable thing the second we are brought into this world: life.  Life is infinitely full of possibility and potential.  For some of us we’ve had a lifetime of “no” and thinking that ANYTHING outside the box of what we are supposed to do is selfish.  I’m here to say it’s selfish to NOT share what we are meant to do.  It’s selfish to not share the expression of who we are because someone needs that light.  They need YOU.  And most importantly, you need you.  You can’t be a watered down version of yourself and expect to shine.  No.  Embrace the wholeness and love every aspect of who you are.  That is when you grow. 

“What if there is no problem?”  Via elephant journal. We are trained to seek out the problem at all costs.  We still behave as if our survival depends on it, looking ten steps ahead and conceptualizing every awful thing that may come to pass.  We are no longer in the days where literal survival depends on it, but we equate our social survival with our physical survival.  The importance of our mental health has never been more apparent: we perceive slights and threats in every day conversation and those who don’t agree with us are equated to the “enemy” at this point. 

This question popped up and it really hit home—the problem isn’t the situation, it’s how we look at the situation. Sometimes, even if we know something on the surface, it takes a while for it to sink in viscerally.  There truly aren’t many problems we face on the day to day.  Everything that we come across is the result of our own actions.  Big picture, those things won’t have much of an impact.  What will have an impact, however, is our mindset toward it.  It will have an impact if we aren’t able to see past our own noses, to see that we create our own suffering.

Sometimes we cloud our ability to see the solution because we are so used to having to solve everything.  We are so used to our answers being dependent on what other people tell us or how they see us that we get used to maneuvering around the answer because we are trying to make them see the answer.  What happens when we give the answer and simply let them do as they will with the information?  It no longer remains your issue—because it never was in the first place. 

So when you start to feel the overwhelm or the feelings of inadequacy—or even if something simply doesn’t make sense—then pause.  Take a step back and look at what is going on.  Ask yourself if you’re creating the issue or if you’re responding to what’s happening.  And then dive deeper:  are you responding to what is actually happening or to what you think is going to happen?  Chances are you will see that you’re creating most of the issue. Life is so much simpler than we make it.  Sometimes you just have to trust that there is another way to look at it and go in that direction.  And if that doesn’t work, then choose SOMETHING and see where it takes you.  We can solve it if we keep going—or you will see there is nothing to work out, it simply is.

Today’s short post is a loving reminder that we all get in it from time to time.

It is more than safe to say that things don’t always go how we think they will.  What gets us through is the ability to resist falling into the fear that it won’t ever change.  The only constant in life is change and how we navigate that determines the results we get.  No one ever said it was easy—we aren’t given a manual when we enter this life.  We are all just doing the best we can with what we have.  What I want to share is not getting caught up in what you think you should do—I want you to have enough of a foundation to know what you should do based on who you are and where you’re going based on who you are.  Life can feel like a roller coaster and it’s key to remember that it isn’t about trying to stop it—it’s about navigating the ups and downs and the turns.  Some days you have to hold on tighter than others.  Other days you need to put your hands up and enjoy the ride. 

The universe is a beautiful thing…a funny, twisted beautiful thing.  I have very little doubt that I am exactly where I need to be.  I have no shame in admitting I have no clue where I’m going and I don’t fully understand the big picture, but the signs are VERY clear that I am where I need to be.  I share this because I want you to understand that sometimes things don’t make sense, sometimes we have no clue why things go down the way they do—but it is all for a reason.  In the last week alone I’ve had some synchronicities that I want to share.  These little moments that happen at random times are not so random as I’ve learned.  Again, even if we don’t know the purpose at the time, they are still indicators that we are on the right track.

I was reading Greenlights as I mentioned in my post from a few days ago.  On Wednesday night I picked up the book and the section started talking about McConaughey’s love of wrestling.  In that moment, wrestling started on TV.  I had a moment of, “Wow, that’s funny,” because we NEVER have wrestling on in our house.  Nothing is wrong with it, we just don’t follow the sport.  Regardless, I kept it on because I felt like there might be something I was supposed to get from it—I mean, the entire book is about going with what is in front of us and learning from it so if these events coincided, then it was meant to be, right?  So I watched a bit and saw all of the showmanship and the stage that was set and the story they were trying to tell.  And I saw that sometimes the purpose in life isn’t to have a deep meaning behind it: it’s to share the story.

A while into watching it, I remembered McConaughey had talked about a movie he did that I had never heard of.  I don’t know why it piqued my interest in that moment.  Maybe it was the combination of the wrestling and remembering McConaughey’s description of getting into a character that brought it to the forefront of my mind.  Regardless, I flipped back through the book and found it—Reign of Fire.  I asked my husband if he had ever heard of it and he said no.  He was curious about it as well so he looked it up through the guide and we saw that it was scheduled to be on TV that week.  I mean, maybe I’m wrong about the popularity of the movie, but in that moment, I saw clearly that I was meant to learn and share something.  A somewhat obscure movie from 20 years ago that I had NEVER heard of was scheduled to be on TV a few days after reading about it. 

On Friday, I scrolled through Instagram and someone shared a meme from Legally Blonde.  I thought to myself, “I haven’t seen that in a long time, that was a cute movie!”  Later that night, it was on TV.  I had been getting ready to go to bed and had it on for some background noise but when I saw it, I kept it on.  As silly as it was, the movie does deliver an incredibly profound message in a light way.  There is value in being who you are even if people don’t understand it.  Never change for those around you and challenge yourself enough to know there is something more for you.  Also, sometimes you feel like you know what path you’re supposed to be on and life throws you a curve ball—you adapt.  And then you may find exactly what you needed all along. 

The last story happened on Sunday morning—well, technically Saturday night.  I started a new book, The Archer, by Paulo Coelho.  I’m only a few pages in, but the premise is about state of mind.  So I woke up on Sunday and shared my morning card draw (affirmation decks) and the first thing that popped up was a scene from friends where Ross is talking about Unagi.  I couldn’t remember the episode so I quickly searched “Unagi” and it referenced that same episode.  Ross was trying to iterate the importance of mind set, but he was using the incorrect word—Unagi is a food.  As I read the article, it mentioned the word he was trying to reference: Zanshin.  The article went on to talk about Zanshin refers to the mental aspect necessary before, during, and after an action specifically in Kyudo—the Japanese martial art of ARCHERY.  Yet another instance of not being where we thought we would be but arriving at the answer all the same.  For the record, McConaughey also references archery in his book: he talks about the target drawing the arrow, a perfect metaphor for being true to who we are.

So, as silly as these examples may seem, the power of the message isn’t diminished.  No matter how lost we feel or if we just aren’t “getting it,” if it doesn’t make sense, it eventually will.  We just have to stick with it.  These coincidences are more than merely coincidence—they are guideposts and indicators that we are on the right track.  We just have to have enough confidence in ourselves and belief that all is as it should be.  We need a solid enough foundation to trust that we know the way, or that we will be shown the way as long as we are true to our course.  Aim for the goal and align the action and the results will come, even if it isn’t how we anticipate it.

EDIT: I don’t know if it’s a mid life crisis, but I’ve been hyper sensitive to things around me and feeling off kilter. My mentor reached out to me and she said that I need to really believe in what I’m doing and understand that everything happens for a reason. Nothing ever goes wrong. I woke up to post this and the cards I drew were ALL about giving over and trusting the signs even if we don’t understand them–and when I posted, a similar message popped up. The coincidences are not coincidences: they are signs. Trust. Believe. This isn’t random.

I want to continue on the vein of learning to be self-sufficient and recognizing when it no longer serves, specifically knowing when to walk away in spite of fearing the unknown.  I opened the last piece talking about how we tend to stay where we are because it’s familiar but we hope the circumstances or people involved will change.  I want to attest to how quickly time can pass you by living your life like this.  You repeat each day over and over again, thinking things are getting better until they blow up in your face.  Suddenly you look around you and everything you were fighting for or everything that was familiar no longer feels like it belongs to you anyway.  That is why it’s so important to have a strong sense of self and know our boundaries.  Looking for external validation erases all boundaries and then we feel lost. 

I’ve been giving a lot of consideration to how the mind works and when we need introspection the most.  We often confuse a journey inward with selfishness.  It’s very easy to see from the outside how it would look like someone is narcissistic when they spend their time trying to look or behave a certain way or to garner a certain result from other people.  The truth is, from the outside, the level of mental gymnastics we go through on a daily basis, the constant evaluation of our own actions depending on the situation, and the turmoil we create trying to be what the other person wants is never visible.  And all of that is in the name of trying to be liked or simply accepted.  It isn’t about being selfish or self-absorbed: it’s about simply trying to find our place and thinking our true self won’t be accepted.  We chameleon who we are all day long, not for praise or gain, but to feel worthy.

When you start peeling away the layers in order to see who you really are, people are going to question you, they are going to make you feel like you’re doing something selfish.  Those are the people to avoid like the plague.  These are the people who more than likely gained the most from your lack of boundaries and they get pissed when they no longer have access to you on that level.  Anyone who considers a journey inward selfish is not someone you need in your life.  See, the trip inside forges the connection to self and to the universe where you can bring out your true purpose.  That purpose is a benefit to all so taking the time to focus inward and bring out what you’re looking for is probably the least selfish thing you can do.    

I don’t claim to know all the answers, not by a long shot, but I do hope my stories and examples can awaken that in others.  I hope it gives people the drive to look inside and figure out what makes them tick.  I hope to remove the stigma of self-help and self-discovery as selfish.  I hope to help people re-establish a relationship with themselves that elevates them to the next level and helps them find their path.  I know I’ve spent years locked in my head making no progress because I believed I had to be someone else everywhere I went, I believed I had to be liked in order to get anywhere.  Understanding I’m not for everyone has been the greatest gift I can share because when you put away the opinions of others, you can awaken your purpose.