Sunday Gratitude

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Today is one of those days where I am honestly struggling to find gratitude.  I’m disappointed in myself on so many levels—and I know we all have those days—but the overwhelm of barely being able to move without getting sick is hitting me hard.  I’ve struggled with comparison today in a way I haven’t done for months.  It’s to the point where I don’t understand where the actions some people take are so prosperous and aligned and it feels like I am destined to be stuck, no matter what I do.  And in that comparison, I saw very clearly one thing: how much of my life I didn’t build.  How much of my life I have not chosen, how much I have let happen to me because I, yet again, thought it was the right thing to do. 

In spite of all that, I know that gratitude is still important.  No matter how ill I feel, how wasted I feel, how little energy I have, and how isolated I am, there is still much to be grateful for.  I can’t let a few bad moments and some lost perspective turn me into the bitterness that is trying to swallow me now. 

So, today I am grateful for the kick in the ass.  There are people with less who have less and have experienced less who are doing more.  I need no comparison beyond that to know that all I have to do is get off my butt and go after what I need to.  There are no excuses anymore. 

Today I am grateful to see where I need to commit and to decide.  The universe doesn’t do well with wishy washy half-hearted sentiments.  Clarity is key and it is high time I fully admit the muddy waters I’ve cultivated in my life.  It’s time to let the storm settle and to walk out of the weeds for good.  I’ve so often run back into the storm, thinking I needed to prove how brave I was, I became the martyr I hated and got stuck there rather than moving on.

Today I am grateful because, between the kick in the ass and knowing I need to straighten up, this is all manageable.  Yes, I feel COMPLETELY overwhelmed right now—I’m not feeling well, the house is a mess, my son has been sick, my husband wants to play all day, I have work I want to do, I’m worried about money, the house, and what our future looks like—all of those things are temporary and this is manageable.  It’s a matter of one clear action at a time.  The world isn’t ending, and I don’t have to let my mind go there.  It doesn’t serve and it isn’t true.

Today I am grateful for the reminder that this is all new for all of us.  I watched part of an interview with Mayim Bialik today and she said, “Today is the first day I have been this age, in [this circumstance].”  There is grace in allowing ourselves to be human and to experience the utter imperfection that humanity is.  I wish I knew why I continually hold myself to such unrealistic standards because it’s true: I’ve never been beyond where I am now.  How can I possibly know what this all holds?  So roll with it.  Learn to take it as it comes and accept the ups and downs as natural.  There is nothing to perfect and there is nothing to survive.  We just need to do our best with what we have and where we are at, and that is all we can ask.

Today I am grateful for emotion.  I am feeling all of it today: rage, sadness, disappointment, frustration, fear, confusion, agitation, loss, uncertainty.  I’m not happy to be swirling in that kind of stew, but I am grateful to know that things still matter.  I wouldn’t feel those types of things if my life didn’t matter to me.  I just can’t let myself get stuck in them because when I stop with emotions like that, it’s easy to let my world feel that way.  So I’m sitting with all of them and trying to let them pass.  I’m grateful to have something that matters. 

Wishing everyone a healthy, wonderful week ahead


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“The last great battle will not be fought in a field, but in the minds of humankind,” The mind unleashed official.  I have been fighting this battle on a personal level for years now.  My entire life, really.  Do I love myself, or hate myself?  How do I reconcile those thoughts?  Our minds are so powerful, they have the ability to bring us to our knees or to raise us to heights we never knew existed.  That is just on the personal front.  When it comes to humanity, the way our minds are programmed can either save or damn us, quite literally.  If the last year has shown us anything, it is how deeply, intricately, indelibly entwined we all are.  Not just with physical action, but with thought.

During this pandemic we have also undergone a social uprising.  I feel like only in a country as filled with privileged people as this one would those with privilege have the audacity to take a global pandemic and throw in the issue of race as well, as if race were the cause of the problem and not racism.  Quite frankly, it’s disgusting that the topics of race are still an issue.  Perhaps I’m fortunate, mainly because I saw both sides growing up.  I witnessed racism and I also witnessed the inclusivity and I was given clear direction on which side was right—and I was also taught where these issues stem from: fear and ego. 

The mind, more specifically the ego, is the only thing on earth that could make a people responsible for global issues rather than look at the collective role. That is how we end up justifying heinous, deadly actions against others.  Ego tells us what is good for one must be good for all and anyone that doesn’t fit that mold is bad.  More justification.  All of this is mind work.  And until we can control the mind and put things in perspective, we will continue to hurt each other—which serves no one.  Ego is also responsible for fear.  Fear used to be born of survival but as we’ve evolved, our ego has equated survival to commercialism and identifying superficial differences as dangerous.

The mind is the most powerful tool we have.  We can apply it to anything and it depresses me that in this day and age we waste it on power and proving who is the best.  We’ve taken the greatest biological computer in existence and have used it in a pissing contest at best and to subjugate and dehumanize people at worst.  Granted that is a result of inherent biological programming and outdated social beliefs, but we know better now.  We know better so we can do better.  That is our obligation.  Get control of your mind, your thoughts, your beliefs. Speak when you see something wrong.  More importantly speak when you see something right and be an example of that.  The choice is ours.  

I’ve often thought how tragic it would be to lose something because we couldn’t communicate, because we didn’t understand, or simply because we were too wrapped up in ourselves to see beyond what we want.  Samuel Johnson said, “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.”  Recognizing that there is worth in everyone simply in their existence is key.  We aren’t designed to classify and rank people—we are designed to work together to fulfill our purpose.  And to help others fulfill their purpose.  The mind is already a personal battleground for most of us—a majority already struggle to even like themselves.  Don’t let it become the stomping grounds for hating the existence of the world.        


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Over the last week I’ve been through some of the most emotionally tiring events I’ve experienced in a long time.  I’ve learned that the only thing I can rely on is my core group of people, and mainly, myself.  I think the most disappointing thing in all of this is I hadn’t been completely following my own advice: I thought I was playing it safe.  I tried to balance the life I want with the life I have all while being sick—and I see that none of it matters.  I’ve professed over and over again that family is first, that we need to take care of ourselves to fulfill our purpose, but the old underlying guilt I’ve always had about doing “what is right” got to me. 

Even during my most confused state, I found myself desperately trying to prove that I was strong enough to handle the (not so) minor things happening in my personal life in addition to my work life.  I took a break from writing because I was exhausted—I did what I needed to.  But I went back to work after one day off.  And when I got back, I discovered that one of my employees has taken an issue with my leadership.  Granted, this was not entirely unknown as we had an issue before I had to leave, however, the fact that it has escalated speaks volumes.

Even at our lowest, there are people who will expect the world from us.  And those people won’t have the courtesy to address you directly.  They will talk about you, they will go around you, they will criticize you behind your back—even if you give them the chance to raise their concerns with you, they will pretend everything is fine to your face.  The hardest part is finding out that the people they speak with believe them in spite of anything.  People you thought supported you—because they said they did—now seem to have switched sides to some degree.  Not that they don’t see your side, that’s not quite it, but they have to play a role now instead of backing you.

The most precious gift we have in this world is our health—there is nothing that ever should stand in the way of that.  The next gift we have is our sanity and healthy view of self.  Then our connection to source and our core support.  All of those things make everything else obsolete no matter who you are trying to appease.  Life isn’t about making anyone happy—it is about fulfilling what makes you happy, your purpose.  Everything else falls into place once you have those elements.  Relying on people, trusting people who have their own agendas, leaves us drained and depleted and constantly wanting. 

So take care of who you are—because they won’t take care of you, and if you don’t take care of what they want, they will find someone who will.  Hold on to the people who value you, but more importantly, know your own worth so you don’t find yourself in that situation.  The truth is I shouldn’t have been shocked, not in the slightest.  I think it was the timing of it that got me more than anything.  Regardless, knowing that I should have protected myself better, I know even better now.  With some pain comes clarity, and the knowledge that our gut is always right.   

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for help.  I’ve been becoming increasingly sick over the last few weeks (I will be talking about this—it’s related to my previous health issues) and we aren’t entirely sure why.  It has left me emotionally defeated, physically tired, spiritually questioning, and insecure in moving forward with anything right now.  It’s challenging to see a future when you aren’t sure what the next second will bring.  In spite of all of that, my husband has stepped up in ways I couldn’t imagine.  He has lifted the weight of this household without batting an eye.  Even though I feel like I have failed because I can’t do what I was able to two weeks ago, I am so grateful that I have the support to still maintain for now.

Today I am grateful for the pause.  I feel like I’ve had some intuition telling me this moment was coming for a while, like there was some precipice related to my health where there would be a before and an after.  I say this because my anxiety had been ramping up in ways that I hadn’t felt before.  Vicious, angry, self-hating thoughts coming out of left field at completely inappropriate times were the norm for the last couple of months.  Being down on my ass has at least made those thoughts slow enough to get a grip again.  I still hear them, but I am at least able to prioritize what needs to be done first. 

Today I am grateful for my body.  Yes.  I am grateful for this body.  I have spent years torturing myself for how I look and for all that I could not do because of physical limitations.  I never once questioned what my body truly needed.  Several years back I started making a truly vigilant effort to take care of myself because I know we all have limited time here so I wanted to do something better for myself.  But even doing that, I can’t say that I truly learned to appreciate this bio-machine I have been blessed with.  Learning to ignore my mind is something I know I will have to continually reinforce, because my body has been through SO much and I am still here.  There is no shortage of miracles when I look at how my body has kept me alive.  That isn’t something to take for granted. 

Today I am grateful for resilience and understanding.  I hate how I feel right now because I don’t have the energy to fully play with my son.  I’m still engaging with him, it isn’t that, it’s just that we are spending way more time in front of the TV than we are really doing things.  But I see him and I am constantly overwhelmed by the size of his heart and the capacity his four-year-old brain has to be infinitely forgiving and tolerant of me.  That is one of the greatest gifts—being able to witness the absolute, unquestioning purity of an innocent child.  I will do my damndest to make sure that child has everything he needs and that I can get back to taking care of him.

Today I am grateful for friendship.  I haven’t seen my friends since last July and I didn’t realize how much I really needed that support.  We were able to spend some time outside last night around the fire, letting the kids run around.  I opened up and told them about what is going on with me.  I’ve honestly been really clinical about the whole situation up until today—but I think sharing it last night was the first step.  Today I’m more emotional about it because, after a year of isolation, I see that we are not alone, that I am not alone.  For so many years I’ve let myself carry the weight because I didn’t trust other people.  I can’t do that anymore.

Today I am grateful for patience.  I am NOT a patient person by any means.  But I am grateful for the concept of it.  I like to think that everything has a reason that will make sense in the end—even if I try to control the outcome.  I know that is a contradiction, but the fact that I can be open enough to the idea means that somewhere inside of me is the patience I need.  One step at a time. 

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead. 

Being Brave

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I’ve always had a certain amount of boldness around people I’m comfortable with—we all do.  I’ve also projected a lot of confidence in situations with people I’ve been outranked by—because I’ve known what I was speaking about.  But what about those situations where you have to make the tough decision with a best guess, unsure of what the outcome may be?  Where you may not know what you’re doing?  Well, I’ve often subscribed to the belief that you learn by doing so jump in.  Lately I’ve felt that confidence to take the leap waning in my life—and I’ve been faced with an abundance of opportunities to make the tough decision.

I’ve learned that I don’t always want to be the one calling the shots in those circumstances.  I’ve also learned the type of leader I want to be.  I know we can’t always know the answer to every potential situation, but I do not want to put people in a circumstance where they have to make a choice blindly with heavy stakes on their shoulders.  The truth is, this isn’t the person I thought I was.  I thought I could handle the tough calls and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest but I find myself wavering and weighing all options to the point it is painful.

Does that make me a bad leader?  I know some would say, yes, it’s not a leaders job to worry about the minutia to the point of delay.  I actually believe that myself.  But I also firmly believe that you can’t rest the fate of something on someone’s shoulders when they don’t have enough knowledge to make the decision.  See, the other job of a leader is to educate, inform, assist, and equip people with the tools to perform.  We often forget that now. 

I had to run my first meeting with a new team today, a team I’ve only been working with for a few months.  That may seem like a long time but there are so many details with this group and I’ve never seen the work prior to this.  I’ve been learning their workflows while continuing to work with my other teams as well so I haven’t been as dedicated as I would like to be for learning an entirely new facet of my work.  And today, my boss wanted me to steer the ship. 

I did it.  I ran it in my own imperfect way—stumbling along the way, admitting I didn’t know a few things, but I did it.  I learned that sometimes taking the chance, being bold even when we don’t feel like it, is all that a team needs to see.  I realized that there is a big part of me that is so scared of looking incompetent if I don’t know an answer.  But taking the chance before I was ready, I also saw that my team isn’t looking for someone with all the answers—sometimes they just need someone to hear them out and work through it together.  Coming at it from a place of mutual learning opens up space to communicate and evaluate what needs to be done.  Plus there is that feeling of finally doing it which makes the experience less scary the next time.

The best thing I realized is that, I haven’t taken chances like this in a while.  There is value in taking chances, even the chances that you don’t feel comfortable taken.  We’ve spoken about this before, I know, we just need a little reminder from time to time.  Plus when you take the chance, it changes things up and then the next opportunity shows itself.  You want to change your life, you have to say yes to things you wouldn’t normally consider.  So, I’m grateful for the reminder to start saying, “Yes” more often.  What can you say, “Yes” to?             

The Mind Lies

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I’ve been having a crisis of conscience because I’m not 100% sure on what steps to take next.  I’ve been faking it and I keep hearing this overwhelming voice screaming at me, “Get your shit together.”  I haven’t been faking it in regards to what I have been saying, that is all true.  But I’ve been faking going through it because it’s still only halfway—I still have a household to support so I’m afraid to completely jump.  I’m scared to step out of my comfort zone even as much as I hate it, as much as I know I need to get out of here.  It’s stifling to all the facets of growth and change I’ve been discussing.  Sometimes life truly does present us with a crossroads where we can either choose the path we thought we wanted or we can choose the unknown.  The reality is that we don’t know what is down either path, whether it is known or not. 

Control makes us feel like we have some say, some power in what happens in our lives.  I’m not saying we are powerless, far from it, but there are also things set in motion by the universe that we have little say over.  Natural events, daily living in the society we have created, all of those things have a toll on us and impact how we are able to move on our own paths.  So with all of those variables, how could we possibly know what comes next?  We can’t. 

 I don’t know how to let go.  And how can I give people advice on letting go and being authentic if I can’t stick with that myself?  I’ve let things happen in my life, things I thought I wanted and then when they happened, I realized that I don’t really want it at all.  I’ve taken actions knowing the potential risks or results of them and then when they happened, I’ve felt victimized.  I know I’m not alone in that, but it is the first time I’m seeing how truly selfish that is.  It’s not selfish in the sense of personal gain, but it’s selfish in that you’re not letting your true potential be unleashed—you’re holding a gift back from the world.   

A few months ago I talked about the relief I felt knowing that the next steps in my life will be my choice and that will decide which way I go, the results will be from my own actions and I know that I need to pause all the distraction.  Learn to be still—which I’ve never been good at.  In being still, we can connect with what we really want and who we really are.

It’s about leaning in because what we want won’t magically appear.  I know that makes me anxious, thinking about what I want and then not seeing it happen.  Today’s vibe of the day said, “what belongs to you will effortlessly flow into your life.  Instead of worrying about how, just relax and be in a deserving state to receive.” In short, rather than fake it, let go.  Stop trying to be and just be—let the energy of what you are trying to become naturally.  It’s also time to sit with it and not get lost in it—feel it, but don’t be it.  Let the healing happen and trust that the answers are coming.  Nothing has to happen in this second—so be patient, figure it out, and then move.

Defining Change

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Merriam-Webster defines “Change” as follows: Verb. change, alter, vary, modify mean to make or become different. Change implies making either an essential difference often amounting to a loss of original identity or a substitution of one thing for another.

So many of us resist change at all costs and I used to get so angry over that until I really read this definition.  The last line, “change implies making either an essential difference often amounting to a loss of original identity” is when the lightbulb went off for me.  People inherently equate change with loss, and we fear loss, so naturally we resist change.  It’s unknown and subconsciously (or overtly) symbolizes loss so we never seek it out, even when it’s necessary. 

When we resist change, we stifle growth, and along with it, the opportunities that come with it.  I’m a clinger.  I had simultaneously a privileged and traumatic childhood.  Like, I had everything I needed, but we were emotionally wonky, and I faced a lot of loss and trust issues with the people closest to me.  I developed a lot of control issues because I saw so early on that people changed, left, did what they wanted to do, fulfilled their own interests even if it disappointed you.  Along with that, I realized early on that, even those closest to you, may not feel the same way about you because people can be in different stages of their lives.  For me that was especially true with my siblings because they were significantly older than me.

Now that I’m nearing 40, that age difference doesn’t matter nearly as much, but the trauma of those repeated losses of those I was meant to rely on and learn from still exists.  Rather than learning to break out on my own, I learned to create a world around me that was safe from change.  I mentioned the other day that I struggle to see the point of not getting to the destination, and that is because I don’t know what can happen off that path.  I too, resist change. 

I try a bit every day to understand that change does not automatically mean loss.  More importantly, that loss isn’t always a bad thing—sometimes losing things greatly improves our lives.  We can lose self-doubt, we can lose negative thought patterns, we can lose toxic relationships.  And from loss we can learn a whole lot.  We can learn self-reliance, we can learn what our abilities really entail, we can learn how to be a more understanding person.  But the only way we can learn these things is to undergo what it takes to change. 

I’m also learning that wasting time fearing change (and fighting it) is far more effort than simply allowing it to happen.  For goal/task oriented people like me, if my point is getting to the destination, then it serves more to simply allow than it does to resist.  I still have moments of not liking it, but, I can logically start to wrap my head around it.  Change isn’t a bad thing—it is a natural thing.  It is necessary.  Change will always eventually bring about your purpose—the same purpose that the universe is asking you to claim.  I’m learning to go with it.  I guess you learn that, as you get older, you have less time to screw around making things be a certain way and that life is more enjoyable if you just lean in.  At a minimum, that is what accepting change is about.     

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to simply be.  I’m guilty of living in a state of pushing toward the next thing, the next goal, the next achievement, the next thing to do.  I thought it meant I was vigilant and that it would help me get even further.  All it has done is create confusion, impatience, and frustration because I’ve started a million things without finishing.  This last week we’ve been dealing with some changes in my family as well as some changes in the family dynamic with my parents.  I had a moment today, while expressing frustration at feeling like I’ve wasted my life where I realized that maybe life isn’t about my plans; it’s about recognizing the beauty in the moments we have.

Today I am grateful for a break.  Even though I haven’t had any real time off for a while, today I feel rested.  I slept well for the first time in a few weeks and I feel like I woke up with a different perspective. I didn’t do any meal prep today, I played with my son, we went and looked at some animals while we were at the pet store, and we stopped by my parents’ house just to say, “Hi.”  It was simultaneously the least productive but the most productive (emotionally) day I’ve had for a while.  Living in a state of constant “have to do” really takes its toll.  Honestly, it amazes me every time I forget how much work mental spinning is.  The mind is an amazing thing—you can gain clarity one second and then completely block it out the next.

Today I am grateful to get a little closer to purpose.  As I mentioned above, it’s easy to forget the work you’ve already put in when you are a creature of habit.  But it takes a different mind set in order to see and understand purpose.  I had a moment today, when I realized the importance of where we are now, where I felt relief as well as sadness.  Accepting where I am means letting go of a certain amount of where I’d hoped to be.  But, as I’ve said before, it is only in accepting where we are that we are able to see clearly enough where we are going.  It’s hard to accept that I can’t do it all—but focusing on one thing that I can do will get me closer to what I need to do. 

Today I am grateful for love.  Something I’ve been grateful for every day.  I am blessed to have so much love in my life and I am so sorry to have squandered it, wishing things were different.  I’m sorry I squandered it in the days I hated myself.  I’m grateful to have the chance to do better and try to love myself better.  To love those around me better. 

Today I am grateful for second chances.  I’ve spoken many times before about my gratitude with having fun and with spending time with my son and recognizing what is really important in my life.  But today, I am grateful to do more than that—to realize that I need to experience joy in my life.  Spending every day lamenting and wanting things to be different sends the message to the universe that things aren’t good enough.  Joy goes beyond repeating patterns.  Joy means finding happiness in every day—and realizing that sometimes the every day is enough as it is. 

Today I am grateful to piece together a bit more of who I am.  I had a moment in the last week where I truly felt like I didn’t know who I was.  I didn’t see anything of me in the life I’ve built and it felt like I have been living a continual pattern of trying to keep my head above water.  It hit me that even those choices are things that I can choose differently moving forward.  Yes, I am still feeling like I’m being dragged by the current, but I feel like I can at least start coordinating my legs a bit to pull to the side if it gets to be too much. 

Today I am grateful for what comes next.  Even if I can’t see it, the fact that I get a “next” or “another” is such a privilege that so many people don’t get to experience that I do not take it for granted.  I have no idea what is next.  I know what I want to do—and I’m trying to stay optimistic that I will get there—but I can’t predict it.  Maybe we aren’t meant to see everything perfectly.  Maybe we are just meant to trust. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

A Little Advice From the Cards

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“The universe has big plans for me and it’s time to claim them.” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor deck.  I’ve never hidden my control issues or my fears of letting go—of anything, really—because I have always known on some level that they aren’t healthy.  Knowing where the control issues stemmed from has also made it easier to cling to them because, let’s be honest, we can always logic our way into holding onto familiar habits.  And truthfully, for many of the big things in my life control has served me well.  It has kept a roof over my head, I have only faced moderate struggle (mentally that’s a different story), and I have made a comfortable life for myself that even afforded me to step out of my box a little. 

That comfort zone has kept me safe and in a place where I know I can call the shots, and coming from a childhood where I craved sameness, that comfort zone has been so important to me.  As we’ve discussed before, those comfort zones can also suffocate us if we aren’t careful.  We live on repeat day after day, and that isn’t living as it was meant to be.  So life is great at throwing curveballs.  Even if we have moments of stepping out and going after something we want, sometimes life still has a different plan for us.  THOSE moments, for me at least, are the most challenging.  I take it personally when I’ve decided to make a change and am immediately faced with some obstacle that puts me right back where I started.

All of that is ego.  I can be consciously aware of that and still be frustrated because I’m clearly missing the point somewhere along the line.  But really, the point is that sometimes the universe has different plans than we do.  Yes, that can be incredibly frustrating, especially when we feel that spark of, “I’m on to something!” and then watch it fizzle away because it didn’t come together.  I’m trying my best to understand that, in those moments, we have to keep going.  It needs to be a matter of saying, “Thanks for the lesson, let’s move on,”  or even, “Thanks for the lesson, what’s next?”  It’s only when we put aside the emotion behind not getting what we want that we can move forward.    

I know this is cliché and I know we’ve probably all heard it before, but sometimes the thing we want the least is exactly what we need to get where we want to go.  The book, “Hello Fears” has a chapter where the author describes going on vacation and wanting to go to a museum with her husband.  Her husband planned the day around going to the museum, meaning they would get some food, walk to the museum and explore what they wanted to.  The author basically planned a day walking toward the museum but exploring the town and the things around her, stating that if they got to the museum they would go.  It made my skin CRAWL reading that section.  My brain says, “If you want to explore the museum, get to the damn museum! Don’t waste your time poking around when you have the ability to go exactly where you want to go.”   Side note, I’ve always been annoyed when people put unnecessary obstacles in their own way, i.e. if you know where you want to go, don’t drive in the opposite direction and whine that you couldn’t get there! The author said that she had always lived life wanting to see what is around her, not necessarily trying to get to the destination.

Two lessons for me, then: 1. Because I have such an adverse reaction to not achieving a goal, that is something I need to work on.  Not achieving a goal isn’t necessarily failure, and even if it is a failure, that isn’t the end of the world.  2. Maybe I need to focus more on living my life around me and not just on the destination.  I have such adversity to that because I’ve never really stopped to live life.  I’ve always been working toward the next thing, because I thought your purpose was to check things off the list. I never really stopped to look at the purpose of having those experiences that happen while you’re working toward a goal—I just wanted to get to the museum. 

If we’re honest, I think for a lot of people, those lessons are true.  Whether it is about being task driven or if it’s about having one fear that keeps you in place, sometimes facing the exact thing that scares us or drives us crazy is the only way to see what the purpose really is.  The universe has big plans for all of us.  All we have to do is get out of our own way and do it.  It may not look pretty, but life isn’t meant to be wrapped in a perfect package, unopened.  We are meant to rip it open and dive into the heart of it.  It may not look like we want it to or how we think it should.  The universe knows what we need to do to get where we are meant to be.  Trust it. 

Lost Connection–Internal Server Error

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I had an upgrade for my main software at work today and the connection to the server was lost.  All of the work we have in the program isn’t able to communicate with the website so it’s stuck in limbo.  It’s not completely broken, but we can’t figure out what the issue is.  But one thing we saw is that the site is busy—too busy to understand what’s happening. 

It made me think of some of the habits that I have.  I have a busy mind.  Like multiple things on multiple tracks at the same time, type of mind.  I honestly assumed everyone functioned like that—halfway between one action and the next, never really completing something without interjecting a bunch of other activities at the same time.  Even while I work, I find myself doing something and thinking of something else and having to start a third thing because I’ll forget it if I don’t start. 

I don’t want to live like that anymore.  It’s too stressful and it feels lonely because I feel disconnected from everything.  Yes, I am ambitious and want to accomplish a lot of things, but not at the sake of my mental health anymore.  It isn’t that I can’t accomplish it all, it’s that, maybe, I’m not meant to do it all at once.  When we divide our attention and expect perfection, it’s a recipe for disaster.  The mind doesn’t know what to do first and it creates a constant state of overwhelm and even frustration.  So, I have to learn to slow down and take one thing at a time.

I’ve also struggled with finding which thing to focus on first.  I enjoy a lot of things and have varied interests but I have a hard time deciding when I want to do what, so sometimes nothing gets done—and then I feel like a failure for not doing anything.  I’m having a moment like that now.  And I know this isn’t a moment to push because nothing productive will come out of that, either.  I learned that from working with our database team on the site as well.  The connection won’t be fixed by forcing it. 

So, just like I had to with work, I’ve stopped pushing myself.  I’m taking a minute for some self-care and to take care of my son and to sit with my cats, maybe read a little bit.  Anything to get my mind off of the circular thinking about needing to be productive but not feeling productive.  I’m focusing on one thing at a time, and making sure it isn’t about getting things done.  It’s about pausing to see what is really important to me. 

With some rest and a break, hopefully some clarity comes in.  This is a reminder to everyone that sometimes we all need a break—and that is perfectly ok.  It’s necessary.  Sometimes we don’t even realize that we have lost our connection to ourselves, or our connection to source, and in order to reconnect, we need to find a way to reboot.  So, that’s how I’m looking at this:  I’m rebooting so I can do better tomorrow.