Today is one of those days where I am honestly struggling to find gratitude. I’m disappointed in myself on so many levels—and I know we all have those days—but the overwhelm of barely being able to move without getting sick is hitting me hard. I’ve struggled with comparison today in a way I haven’t done for months. It’s to the point where I don’t understand where the actions some people take are so prosperous and aligned and it feels like I am destined to be stuck, no matter what I do. And in that comparison, I saw very clearly one thing: how much of my life I didn’t build. How much of my life I have not chosen, how much I have let happen to me because I, yet again, thought it was the right thing to do.
In spite of all that, I know that gratitude is still important. No matter how ill I feel, how wasted I feel, how little energy I have, and how isolated I am, there is still much to be grateful for. I can’t let a few bad moments and some lost perspective turn me into the bitterness that is trying to swallow me now.
So, today I am grateful for the kick in the ass. There are people with less who have less and have experienced less who are doing more. I need no comparison beyond that to know that all I have to do is get off my butt and go after what I need to. There are no excuses anymore.
Today I am grateful to see where I need to commit and to decide. The universe doesn’t do well with wishy washy half-hearted sentiments. Clarity is key and it is high time I fully admit the muddy waters I’ve cultivated in my life. It’s time to let the storm settle and to walk out of the weeds for good. I’ve so often run back into the storm, thinking I needed to prove how brave I was, I became the martyr I hated and got stuck there rather than moving on.
Today I am grateful because, between the kick in the ass and knowing I need to straighten up, this is all manageable. Yes, I feel COMPLETELY overwhelmed right now—I’m not feeling well, the house is a mess, my son has been sick, my husband wants to play all day, I have work I want to do, I’m worried about money, the house, and what our future looks like—all of those things are temporary and this is manageable. It’s a matter of one clear action at a time. The world isn’t ending, and I don’t have to let my mind go there. It doesn’t serve and it isn’t true.
Today I am grateful for the reminder that this is all new for all of us. I watched part of an interview with Mayim Bialik today and she said, “Today is the first day I have been this age, in [this circumstance].” There is grace in allowing ourselves to be human and to experience the utter imperfection that humanity is. I wish I knew why I continually hold myself to such unrealistic standards because it’s true: I’ve never been beyond where I am now. How can I possibly know what this all holds? So roll with it. Learn to take it as it comes and accept the ups and downs as natural. There is nothing to perfect and there is nothing to survive. We just need to do our best with what we have and where we are at, and that is all we can ask.
Today I am grateful for emotion. I am feeling all of it today: rage, sadness, disappointment, frustration, fear, confusion, agitation, loss, uncertainty. I’m not happy to be swirling in that kind of stew, but I am grateful to know that things still matter. I wouldn’t feel those types of things if my life didn’t matter to me. I just can’t let myself get stuck in them because when I stop with emotions like that, it’s easy to let my world feel that way. So I’m sitting with all of them and trying to let them pass. I’m grateful to have something that matters.
Wishing everyone a healthy, wonderful week ahead