I had an upgrade for my main software at work today and the connection to the server was lost. All of the work we have in the program isn’t able to communicate with the website so it’s stuck in limbo. It’s not completely broken, but we can’t figure out what the issue is. But one thing we saw is that the site is busy—too busy to understand what’s happening.
It made me think of some of the habits that I have. I have a busy mind. Like multiple things on multiple tracks at the same time, type of mind. I honestly assumed everyone functioned like that—halfway between one action and the next, never really completing something without interjecting a bunch of other activities at the same time. Even while I work, I find myself doing something and thinking of something else and having to start a third thing because I’ll forget it if I don’t start.
I don’t want to live like that anymore. It’s too stressful and it feels lonely because I feel disconnected from everything. Yes, I am ambitious and want to accomplish a lot of things, but not at the sake of my mental health anymore. It isn’t that I can’t accomplish it all, it’s that, maybe, I’m not meant to do it all at once. When we divide our attention and expect perfection, it’s a recipe for disaster. The mind doesn’t know what to do first and it creates a constant state of overwhelm and even frustration. So, I have to learn to slow down and take one thing at a time.
I’ve also struggled with finding which thing to focus on first. I enjoy a lot of things and have varied interests but I have a hard time deciding when I want to do what, so sometimes nothing gets done—and then I feel like a failure for not doing anything. I’m having a moment like that now. And I know this isn’t a moment to push because nothing productive will come out of that, either. I learned that from working with our database team on the site as well. The connection won’t be fixed by forcing it.
So, just like I had to with work, I’ve stopped pushing myself. I’m taking a minute for some self-care and to take care of my son and to sit with my cats, maybe read a little bit. Anything to get my mind off of the circular thinking about needing to be productive but not feeling productive. I’m focusing on one thing at a time, and making sure it isn’t about getting things done. It’s about pausing to see what is really important to me.
With some rest and a break, hopefully some clarity comes in. This is a reminder to everyone that sometimes we all need a break—and that is perfectly ok. It’s necessary. Sometimes we don’t even realize that we have lost our connection to ourselves, or our connection to source, and in order to reconnect, we need to find a way to reboot. So, that’s how I’m looking at this: I’m rebooting so I can do better tomorrow.