Over the last week I’ve been through some of the most emotionally tiring events I’ve experienced in a long time. I’ve learned that the only thing I can rely on is my core group of people, and mainly, myself. I think the most disappointing thing in all of this is I hadn’t been completely following my own advice: I thought I was playing it safe. I tried to balance the life I want with the life I have all while being sick—and I see that none of it matters. I’ve professed over and over again that family is first, that we need to take care of ourselves to fulfill our purpose, but the old underlying guilt I’ve always had about doing “what is right” got to me.
Even during my most confused state, I found myself desperately trying to prove that I was strong enough to handle the (not so) minor things happening in my personal life in addition to my work life. I took a break from writing because I was exhausted—I did what I needed to. But I went back to work after one day off. And when I got back, I discovered that one of my employees has taken an issue with my leadership. Granted, this was not entirely unknown as we had an issue before I had to leave, however, the fact that it has escalated speaks volumes.
Even at our lowest, there are people who will expect the world from us. And those people won’t have the courtesy to address you directly. They will talk about you, they will go around you, they will criticize you behind your back—even if you give them the chance to raise their concerns with you, they will pretend everything is fine to your face. The hardest part is finding out that the people they speak with believe them in spite of anything. People you thought supported you—because they said they did—now seem to have switched sides to some degree. Not that they don’t see your side, that’s not quite it, but they have to play a role now instead of backing you.
The most precious gift we have in this world is our health—there is nothing that ever should stand in the way of that. The next gift we have is our sanity and healthy view of self. Then our connection to source and our core support. All of those things make everything else obsolete no matter who you are trying to appease. Life isn’t about making anyone happy—it is about fulfilling what makes you happy, your purpose. Everything else falls into place once you have those elements. Relying on people, trusting people who have their own agendas, leaves us drained and depleted and constantly wanting.
So take care of who you are—because they won’t take care of you, and if you don’t take care of what they want, they will find someone who will. Hold on to the people who value you, but more importantly, know your own worth so you don’t find yourself in that situation. The truth is I shouldn’t have been shocked, not in the slightest. I think it was the timing of it that got me more than anything. Regardless, knowing that I should have protected myself better, I know even better now. With some pain comes clarity, and the knowledge that our gut is always right.