Today I am grateful to simply be. I’m guilty of living in a state of pushing toward the next thing, the next goal, the next achievement, the next thing to do. I thought it meant I was vigilant and that it would help me get even further. All it has done is create confusion, impatience, and frustration because I’ve started a million things without finishing. This last week we’ve been dealing with some changes in my family as well as some changes in the family dynamic with my parents. I had a moment today, while expressing frustration at feeling like I’ve wasted my life where I realized that maybe life isn’t about my plans; it’s about recognizing the beauty in the moments we have.
Today I am grateful for a break. Even though I haven’t had any real time off for a while, today I feel rested. I slept well for the first time in a few weeks and I feel like I woke up with a different perspective. I didn’t do any meal prep today, I played with my son, we went and looked at some animals while we were at the pet store, and we stopped by my parents’ house just to say, “Hi.” It was simultaneously the least productive but the most productive (emotionally) day I’ve had for a while. Living in a state of constant “have to do” really takes its toll. Honestly, it amazes me every time I forget how much work mental spinning is. The mind is an amazing thing—you can gain clarity one second and then completely block it out the next.
Today I am grateful to get a little closer to purpose. As I mentioned above, it’s easy to forget the work you’ve already put in when you are a creature of habit. But it takes a different mind set in order to see and understand purpose. I had a moment today, when I realized the importance of where we are now, where I felt relief as well as sadness. Accepting where I am means letting go of a certain amount of where I’d hoped to be. But, as I’ve said before, it is only in accepting where we are that we are able to see clearly enough where we are going. It’s hard to accept that I can’t do it all—but focusing on one thing that I can do will get me closer to what I need to do.
Today I am grateful for love. Something I’ve been grateful for every day. I am blessed to have so much love in my life and I am so sorry to have squandered it, wishing things were different. I’m sorry I squandered it in the days I hated myself. I’m grateful to have the chance to do better and try to love myself better. To love those around me better.
Today I am grateful for second chances. I’ve spoken many times before about my gratitude with having fun and with spending time with my son and recognizing what is really important in my life. But today, I am grateful to do more than that—to realize that I need to experience joy in my life. Spending every day lamenting and wanting things to be different sends the message to the universe that things aren’t good enough. Joy goes beyond repeating patterns. Joy means finding happiness in every day—and realizing that sometimes the every day is enough as it is.
Today I am grateful to piece together a bit more of who I am. I had a moment in the last week where I truly felt like I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t see anything of me in the life I’ve built and it felt like I have been living a continual pattern of trying to keep my head above water. It hit me that even those choices are things that I can choose differently moving forward. Yes, I am still feeling like I’m being dragged by the current, but I feel like I can at least start coordinating my legs a bit to pull to the side if it gets to be too much.
Today I am grateful for what comes next. Even if I can’t see it, the fact that I get a “next” or “another” is such a privilege that so many people don’t get to experience that I do not take it for granted. I have no idea what is next. I know what I want to do—and I’m trying to stay optimistic that I will get there—but I can’t predict it. Maybe we aren’t meant to see everything perfectly. Maybe we are just meant to trust.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.