Today I am grateful for help. I’ve been becoming increasingly sick over the last few weeks (I will be talking about this—it’s related to my previous health issues) and we aren’t entirely sure why. It has left me emotionally defeated, physically tired, spiritually questioning, and insecure in moving forward with anything right now. It’s challenging to see a future when you aren’t sure what the next second will bring. In spite of all of that, my husband has stepped up in ways I couldn’t imagine. He has lifted the weight of this household without batting an eye. Even though I feel like I have failed because I can’t do what I was able to two weeks ago, I am so grateful that I have the support to still maintain for now.
Today I am grateful for the pause. I feel like I’ve had some intuition telling me this moment was coming for a while, like there was some precipice related to my health where there would be a before and an after. I say this because my anxiety had been ramping up in ways that I hadn’t felt before. Vicious, angry, self-hating thoughts coming out of left field at completely inappropriate times were the norm for the last couple of months. Being down on my ass has at least made those thoughts slow enough to get a grip again. I still hear them, but I am at least able to prioritize what needs to be done first.
Today I am grateful for my body. Yes. I am grateful for this body. I have spent years torturing myself for how I look and for all that I could not do because of physical limitations. I never once questioned what my body truly needed. Several years back I started making a truly vigilant effort to take care of myself because I know we all have limited time here so I wanted to do something better for myself. But even doing that, I can’t say that I truly learned to appreciate this bio-machine I have been blessed with. Learning to ignore my mind is something I know I will have to continually reinforce, because my body has been through SO much and I am still here. There is no shortage of miracles when I look at how my body has kept me alive. That isn’t something to take for granted.
Today I am grateful for resilience and understanding. I hate how I feel right now because I don’t have the energy to fully play with my son. I’m still engaging with him, it isn’t that, it’s just that we are spending way more time in front of the TV than we are really doing things. But I see him and I am constantly overwhelmed by the size of his heart and the capacity his four-year-old brain has to be infinitely forgiving and tolerant of me. That is one of the greatest gifts—being able to witness the absolute, unquestioning purity of an innocent child. I will do my damndest to make sure that child has everything he needs and that I can get back to taking care of him.
Today I am grateful for friendship. I haven’t seen my friends since last July and I didn’t realize how much I really needed that support. We were able to spend some time outside last night around the fire, letting the kids run around. I opened up and told them about what is going on with me. I’ve honestly been really clinical about the whole situation up until today—but I think sharing it last night was the first step. Today I’m more emotional about it because, after a year of isolation, I see that we are not alone, that I am not alone. For so many years I’ve let myself carry the weight because I didn’t trust other people. I can’t do that anymore.
Today I am grateful for patience. I am NOT a patient person by any means. But I am grateful for the concept of it. I like to think that everything has a reason that will make sense in the end—even if I try to control the outcome. I know that is a contradiction, but the fact that I can be open enough to the idea means that somewhere inside of me is the patience I need. One step at a time.
Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.