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I am beyond exhausted tonight and I have a million things to do.  I’m feeling the overwhelm of working full time, trying to launch a business part time, writing, raising a three year old, taking care of multiple animals, trying to get a house ready to move, trying to help plan things with my parents, and I haven’t been sleeping well.  This is one of those times when it feels best to push through and at least accomplish a little something because the anxiety of letting it sit also kills me.  But I simply can’t.

I hear my brain saying simply: no.  Not tonight.  Sit with this for a while and pause.  Don’t think on it, just feel.  Let yourself relax into it.  It is so hard to not do something when anything will help.  I know this is something inside of me telling me that tonight is just a night to breathe.  Normally it wouldn’t be and I’d be forcing myself to do something in addition to writing this.

So tonight I am going to listen to the advice I would give to anyone else: listen to what your body is saying.  I am going to listen to my body and sit down with a book under the covers and just relax.  This is a prime example of not being able to pour from an empty cup.  I am depleted so it is time to recharge even if it isn’t the ideal time. It feels uncomfortable, but hopefully tomorrow I will be more replenished and alert.

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Today I am grateful for healing.  I experienced my first spiritual healing session today.  It’s something I’ve wanted to try for a long time because I used to be a massage therapist so the fields go hand in hand (pun intended).  I feel profoundly aware and vulnerable but I see this as the entry to healing and accepting what needs to be done.  And the catalyst to do and maintain the work.

Today I am grateful for presence.  This piggy backs off of healing.  Shortly after the session today I realized that I haven’t ever allowed myself to be fully present.  My mind is always going a million miles an hour and I’m constantly flitting between things.  Many of us accept this as the norm, the expectation of how we function.  I never learned how to silence those thoughts long enough to hear what needed to be done next.  To hear my own intuition.  I have preached this for years and I am more aware now that I have to be even more diligent in practicing it.  It’s easy to forget the benefits of slowing down when we praise and relish pushing and over achieving.  However, it’s easy to remember how good it feels when we are truly in the moment.

Today I am grateful for healthy food.  I always try to keep most of my diet healthy.  I’ve had some unhealthy habits over the years so I make a point of keeping a good percentage of my diet clean—I’m human and I still have my weaknesses but I feel amazingly grateful when I am able to prepare fresh vegetables for morning meals and lunches.  I love seeing the color and knowing it’s something simple I can do for my body.

Today I am grateful for cuddles with my son.  Prior to leaving for the session, my son wanted some time with me—or maybe it was me, it wasn’t really clear.  Either way, I sat with him in my arms, kissing his hair, and I found myself wanting that moment to stretch on forever.  This tiny human is a million times more perceptive than me—and probably a million times more receptive as well—and that connection made me feel whole.

Today I am grateful to feel peace.  This resulted from a combination of things—doing laundry yesterday, waking early to prepare for today, spending time early with my son, the healing, sitting in silence—but I feel a lulling calm in my mind right now.  I see how much work it takes to feel this way and I understand now that the price and the effort is worth it.  All of the extraneous things I try to control, try to make perfect are energy drains.  THIS moment is where that energy is spent well.  And I love it.

Today I am grateful to simply be.  I am so grateful for the daily reminders and the little things that make it so wonderful to be alive.  The smell of my sons hair, the sound of the knife on the cutting board preparing meals, a long hug from someone I haven’t connected with in a while, talking with family, a look from my husband.  Whatever “being” means to you, no matter what it looks like, if you can be happy with that, then you are truly blessed.

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It’s time to grow up and understand that we have no power over what happens in this world.  We have power over ourselves.  It’s about finding where our goals really need to be.

Power is an illusion we carefully create to manipulate people into our own world, into playing specific parts for us.  We are never taught to claim our inherent power because that might be offensive and anyone who claims the power they own is seen as intimidating and treated with a sense of, “who does she think she is?”  We are taught that our power is never something to show brazenly to the world while at the same time we are expected to garner authority—but only in the “right” way.

Living with this contradiction causes aggression and confusion because we can never really tell when it is acceptable to just let go and be who we are.  We have personas and images we present to the world and we spend all of our time crafting, creating, ploying, and are fed the lie we have to scheme to get what we want.  What if we were taught something else?

When we start to look at our lives and think about what we want, we see that there are infinitely better uses for our time than forcing people to fit into our little molds.  When we learn a new way we don’t waste our power trying to manipulate others, we use our power to shape ourselves.

When we are ushered into this life we have an inherent gift in that we can create whatever kind of life we want.  Ironically we are trained from birth to tame that gift and to hop on the “same train” and to head toward the same goals as everyone else and there the power struggle begins.  When we believe that resources are limited human nature dictates that we fight each other and how beautiful is our system that we fight each other rather than the system.

So pause.  When we realize fighting is a symptom of lack and that the lack we are looking for can not be filled with external things/power from others (who will never conform to what we want anyway) then we can learn to eliminate that lack in other ways.  Through joy.  Through finding things that excite us and interest us.  Through being who we are.

The amazing thing from there is once we claim our power that power expands.  Suddenly the things we were craving show up.  The things we wanted show up.  The people we need to help us on our mission show up.  It’s all there waiting for us once we let go of the idea we need to control the world.  All we have to do is work with it—the world can do the rest on its own.

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The idea that we are all pieces of a giant puzzle has always intrigued me.  When put together we create an image.  Now look at the pieces on the outside—the ones that aren’t quite right for the project you’re working on. Some possibly from a different puzzle, maybe a center piece you’ve tried to make a corner.  They just don’t fit.  They don’t fit with what they are told is normal or expected.  They feel different about what we are told to strive for.  The question then is do we want to continually force ourselves to fit where we don’t belong?  Or do we want to recognize what we are actually trying to build and create a new picture?  Find the right puzzle for all the pieces.

Some of us have been so comfortable in our bubbles that we never even considered the option of changing the picture.  It’s like this when we don’t consider what things are like for other people.  We hold so tightly to our stories as if our present will crumble to see the reality.  And the truth is—reality WILL crumble.  We have to learn understanding perception and what history means.  People constantly interpret what happens/happened according to their experiences—so your history is merely the story you tell yourself.  And nothing can change it no matter what.  You can only strive to learn and move on.

Our egos protect these stories and create victims, villains, and victors to make sense of it.  It’s natural but we can do better.  With awareness of the mind and how it works we become responsible to pause and realize we’re only telling a story—not the objective events that happened.

We’re complex both exclusionary and trying to become everything all at once.  Like we are proud our individual identities are made up of pieces of everyone else, the assumption and assimilation of things that don’t belong to us.  We decide we like something and we take it as our own and discard the rest of where it came from.  We are bawdy rebels, pillaging and stealing what we like and condemning what we don’t.  How do we learn to create something for ourselves?

We have to make it more feasible for people to create and share ourselves.  We are striving and straining to clutch to the ideas we were sold rather than being comfortable with changing the narrative.  Changing that narrative involves being comfortable with change and learning to own our communication (more to come on that).  And it all comes down to the story you want to tell.

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I’ve been so adamant about change.  I’ve been quick to tell others what to do.  I’ve had strong opinions about people not understanding how “simple” it is to change.  I’ve treated it as a logical thing, ignoring the emotions attached to change.  I was wrong.

It’s human nature to get caught up in the emotion of a situation because our emotions are little survival detectors telling us whether or not we should pursue something.  We get skewed, however, and immediately respond to change with fear.  It’s an unknown element and we aren’t very skilled at adapting any longer as most of us look to settle in one place and search for continuity and routine at every turn. Throw in multiple changes at once and people have gone absolutely off their rockers.

Nature has its own continuity—seasons, sunrises, sunsets.  We have to relax into it rather than try to tame it and control it.  That is the simple secret to enduring any change: witness and adapt.  Life is short and it is fragile and the truth is it can change at any time.  It is better to spend that time productively working with what we can do rather than wasting time trying to control things that simply aren’t ours to control.

Part of the continuity of nature is also that things change and decay, fall apart and come together again.  Part of our cycle is to let things run their course.  Once you can settle into the certainty of uncertainty, things flow.  Humans are really good at telling stories and the most common one we tell ourselves is that our goal is to create a life that consists of wealth and material goods.  What about those that don’t believe in that?  What about those who have a different goal?  What about those who are called in a different direction?  Our stories are designed to make us feel better but we also use them to define, classify, and separate ourselves.

Enduring change is about finding our common ground, not creating division.  Enduring change is about finding the stories that bring us together.  When we are together we can create purpose.  The universe guides people toward what is theirs and we have forgotten that what is ours is meant to serve the whole.  We have looked at our purpose as something that creates our legacy and will create wealth and power.  We can no longer forget that our purpose is to share our gifts.

In the face of change, not only is it beneficial to relax into it, it is also key to learn from it.  Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” we can ask, “What is this teaching me?”  The universe cares very little for our egos—and it certainly doesn’t have the time to target you to make your life miserable.  The universe wants you to stand up and claim what is yours and to give it to anyone who also needs the message.

Change isn’t something to fear: it is something to celebrate.  It is a comforting sign that things are running their natural course and it is time for the next level.  Embrace it.  Trust it.  Trust yourself.

**Additional Note** I started writing this piece and two days later I learned that my company is merging with another health system—the universe works in mysterious ways 😊

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I want to preface this with the fact that I spoke a few months back about the wonderful opportunities this time affords us and I still believe that.  To say there is a lot going on in the world is an understatement. But there is a truth that can no longer be ignored: People have lost their minds.  For the first time I feel it is totally logical.

We are trying to survive in the usual way in the midst of completely unprecedented circumstances.  As a whole we are experiencing a deep trauma that, for some, already existed on some level, and is being exacerbated by the current climate.  From the highest levels of authority in our country, we are not being supported.  We are being fed to the masses like some sacrifice and being told to pretend like this situation doesn’t exist.

There are signs of emotional fatigue in everyone as we are forced to alter our entire lives with no results.  That sets the stage for many to ignore the circumstances and act in self-serving ways.  Translate: we are put in an uncomfortable situation because there is something dangerous but the danger never goes away so we get bored seeing no results and ignore the danger.  IE not wearing masks and opening businesses.  All of this creates animosity amongst each other instead of directing it at the issue.  When we spend our time angry at what is shown to us we don’t look at what is really happening and we can’t address it.

It’s the perfect storm right now.  Our financial resources are being taken from us and we are still expected to maintain our lives.  We are told that it isn’t safe to be around people but we aren’t given the means to stay away.  We are told we have to stay inside but we didn’t flatten the curve enough so the disease isn’t going away so it feels like nothing is changing.  Then we pretend nothing is wrong and we open up again, prematurely, and we are going to exacerbate the situation.

When people are under any one stress in particular for an extended period of time they can become emotionally reactive.  Put all of these things together, misinformation, fear, loss, confusion, and you have a soup of people who feel like cornered dogs—and they will lash out.

We have been taught our whole lives that we have power and that we are in control and this situation has unequivocally demonstrated that we never had control.  It has also shown how fragile the human ego is.  People are searching for things to be offended over (no, a mask is not a personal attack) and we are losing sight of what is really important: we are all human and need to learn to support each other.  Your ego and your feelings are not socially protected entities.  Get over yourself and do the right thing: for all.

We are raw and vulnerable right now.  we are seeing the underbelly of our society more openly than before—and make no mistake it is necessary to witness this.  We are seeing race issues, we are seeing corruption, we are seeing a public health issue.

All of these things are resulting in people losing it over the most innocuous and inane things.  We need to pause because we can all see how people are thisclose to losing it.  But we also need to take the next step.  Becoming angry and reactive toward each other is never going to solve all of these issues.  Educating ourselves about how and why things are as they are is key and we have to learn to not repeat our own history.  We need a strong focus on personal accountability and a willingness to learn how to change.  Not just a willingness but an understanding of the urgency of the necessity of change.  And in order to do that we all need to learn to get on the same page as well.

The only way to get on the same page is to create a system that actually serves and works for the people.  We have been too power hungry for so long that we’ve lost sight of our humanity on so many levels.  And perhaps those are merely remnants of human behavior—but we are at a point now where we can change that.  I am praying we all want to.

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Today is the day after the fourth of July, so let’s start at the beginning.  Yesterday was filled with a lot of intense emotions.  I personally don’t feel like there was much to be celebrating as far as what the fourth represents—there is so much work to be done that I felt conflicted to celebrate anything. We reached a date that we celebrate annually so we feel either obligated to do something or we feel comfort in the habit because we don’t know what else to do. It felt contrived but, at the same time, I honestly didn’t want to begrudge anyone their need to let off some steam.

My family has an annual celebration out at my brother’s and I didn’t feel comfortable going for a lot of reasons but safety was first among them.  There are always a lot of people there so I knew it would be a challenge to maintain social distancing especially with a toddler.  Then I felt guilty because I was caught right in the middle of the emotions I mentioned above—I wasn’t sure what to do because we always do something but I genuinely didn’t want to go.  But I knew there would be issues with the family if I didn’t go and I also knew that my husband wanted to go.  I didn’t want to ruin anything so we did end up going.  I prepared myself as best as I could, brought masks, and I simply told those who tried to hug us that we were distancing.  And everyone listened and I sincerely appreciated everyone understanding.  We were able to have a good time and enjoy some fireworks so my anxiety was relieved simply by setting boundaries.

We got home when all was said and done and there were a ton of people setting off fireworks near our home—like 25 feet from our home.  Our dogs were terrified, it was after 11:30PM, my son freaked out, and they were way too close to our house.  And then other houses joined in.  Normally I’m not a party pooper but I was still coming down from emotions at my brother’s and, frankly, I was just exhausted and terrified that something was going to happen to our house.  I went down and I said something to them and they did stop but it was met with some resistance.  The old feeling of choking the life out of a party started to creep up but I stood my ground.

For whatever reason I started looking at facebook and I saw all the snarky comments from people about how the fireworks happen every year and that people need to get over it.  I saw red.  I don’t understand how people can be so wrapped in their own bubbles that they literally can’t see how their actions impact others.  It spoke volumes to the overall theme we are seeing in this country which is that it’s every person for themselves and people are going to do whatever the hell they want no matter who it affects.

That all eventually stopped and I got up early this morning and went for a bike ride.  The amount of trash I saw throughout our neighborhood from people lighting off garbage absolutely infuriated me.  So not only were these people behaving like absolute assholes, they couldn’t be bothered to clean anything up.  AND NO ONE WAS DOING A FUCKING THING ABOUT IT.  I found myself realizing that these people are my generation and a little older–they are the same ones whose parent’s bought them whatever they wanted in high school, who didn’t take anything seriously, and who started life getting their way so they became entitled.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

When does it stop? When will people get a large enough dose of accountability where they won’t behave like this?  What will it take to realize that we are out of control and that we have to do something?  And let’s play Devil’s Advocate for a second.  Say the fireworks aren’t an issue—the fact is we STILL behave this way no matter what the situation.  So this is a choice and a repetitive behavior pattern.  And all it has done is serve to get us to this point where we are fighting amongst each other and every day is a giant pissing contest of proving what we can do as well as finding different ways to be offended.  It’s exhausting.  And that is all I want to stop.  I want to stop behaving as if the world is owed to me and like my feelings, my fun, my good times are more important than other people’s safety.

Perhaps this is my old control issues surfacing.  Who am I to police this type of behavior?  Maybe it isn’t my place, but I know that I’ve seen first hand that boundaries work.  And I know is that if we continue on this path, this self-serving, selfish path, we are going to destroy ourselves.  All we need is to set some different boundaries and realize that we need to make some changes.  No one likes to hear that.  No one likes being wrong.  No one likes their ego threatened.  But we have to do the work because this isn’t sustainable.  Have fun, enjoy your time—I have no issue with that.  But if those times come at the expense of other people then it isn’t right—and we need a reminder in courtesy and ethics.

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Today I am grateful for exercise.  We took the dogs for a walk today then went on a short bike ride.  My husband was awesome enough to give me some free time to continue the bike ride on my own.  I drove for miles feeling the sun and the wind as I drove and it was amazing.  My body felt amazing and energized in a way I haven’t for the last few weeks.

Today I am grateful for friendship.  I was able to see a friend of mine on Friday whom I hadn’t seen since February.  This was the first time in years that we had been alone together.  It was so nice to have some time to ourselves to reconnect.  I was even happier that we found ourselves in the same place mentally and we had an amazing conversation.  Honestly it felt like the beginning of something.  Regardless, the time we got to spend together made me feel more grounded than I have been in years.

Today I am grateful for entertainment.  I was able to see Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton this weekend and I fell in love.  I haven’t been to the theater in years so reconnecting with that reawakened my love for that type of art.  Plus it felt good to take a night off and watch something that I really enjoyed.  It was also nice to have a little refresher of history and watch something other than complete junk or social media.

Today I am grateful for resources.  I’ve been working on my writing and I’ve been wanting to get a few books to help me on a few issues I’m discussing.  They are sold out in most book stores and they are sold out on Amazon so I was just going to wait, not a big deal.  I was at Wal-Mart of all places and they had all three of the books I’ve been wanting to get.  I grabbed them for cheaper than I would have elsewhere so I saved money and I have the material I need.

Today I am grateful for the ability to food prep.  I’ve shared this before but it is worth sharing again.  I feel so fortunate that I am able to get the supplies for the recipes I want to try.  I’m slowly transitioning to a healthier diet so I am really grateful that I’m able to find healthy, quality products for a reasonable price.  Plus I love how much time it saves me in prep in the morning.

Today I am grateful for being on the same team with my husband.  We have been together for 19 years and it has taken a lot for us to come to an agreement on a lot of things.  Lately we have been working toward the same goals and it has made such a difference in our relationship.  It has taken compromise and communication on both of our parts and it is different than before.  It feels much easier and flows so much better.

Today I am grateful to do the things that give me peace.  I am working on transitioning my lifestyle to one that is filled with more ease and productivity.  I know in my heart these things are possible and I know that is what I am meant to share with people.

Today I am grateful for signs.  I’ve been seeing a ton of dragonflies lately.  Today I saw upwards of 2 dozen of them.  I also saw some butterflies and I also saw a feather outside of my house.  All of these signs point toward discovering and following the right path.  It’s the little things we need sometimes to remind us that all we have to do is listen to our instincts and just keep going.

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Seeing as the larger events are cancelled, I think this is an opportunity to examine what independence really means.  In the spirit of independence day I decided that it is time for us to look at different forms of independence and how this is an opportunity to adjust how we treat our independence moving forward.

This year has seen a crazy amount of change and upheaval.  While the world is no stranger to things changing, we are definitely strangers to it on this scale.  In the US we are also strangers to the idea of universal impact.  While different groups are dealing with this pandemic quite differently, there is not one person who hasn’t been touched somehow.  There are specific groups of people who feel like they are untouchable, like there are just certain things that won’t affect them.  This pandemic has been a great equalizer.

I listened to a live the other day from Sophia Roe discussing weathering and the impact on DNA.  The short version is that we face trauma and it has an impact on our bodies and then we are continually exposed to that trauma so a lasting impact occurs and changes the structure of our bodies and DNA—and we pass it onto our children.  The trauma of our past, the experiences of those who came before us lives inside of us.  In a very real sense, when it comes to the passing of DNA from woman to daughter, this has ripples for generations.  When the mother carries the daughter, that fetus carries all the eggs she will have in her lifetime so there are immediately 4 generations of people involved.

This amount of fear, anxiety, oppression, is so deeply rooted it is no wonder why it is so challenging to eliminate.  While I 100% agree that we can no longer to afford to tolerate it on any level, I completely understand that this isn’t going to be eliminated overnight.  Old habits, old beliefs, generations old fears will not be removed so easily.  But I also know that we are 100% responsible for calling attention at every turn to these beliefs.  We need to be hyper aware-not hyper sensitive.  “I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

My worry at this point is that we are all very quick to adjust our interpretations of people’s behaviors so I will be clear to say that witch hunt mentality will not work in this case, either.  Looking for things that people do wrong will defeat the purpose of learning.  In order to unlearn there will be mistakes.  Rubbing it in people’s faces will only foster more animosity and anger amongst each other.  During this tie we have to be exceptionally patient and open and willing to accept people in their entirety.  We have to be willing to see people as vulnerable and we have to be vulnerable.  We have to be very willing to deal with flaws—and to accept them.

Perhaps we can create independence from those deep rooted traumas and to plant the seeds of real healing and recovery.  Breaking out of a system that is designed to fail people and support business—that is independence

I normally wouldn’t spend so much time fixated on the actions of a particular person, especially once it has been resolved.  But I have been extremely triggered this whole week and feeling incredibly vulnerable so I felt like a little more exploration was warranted.

So perhaps triggered, is the wrong word.  I’m on edge and defensive and hyper sensitive.  I hate when it feels like other people have control over me.  And the very fact that I am feeling this way means that I am allowing her to control me.  So I tried to set some boundaries but there are new workflows in place as a result of this interaction so I have a new dynamic.  I hate even more that I feel guilty when I take that control back.  My job is to lead in the best way I can—and I can’t do that if I am under the yoke of someone who doesn’t have all the facts or understand the full story.

Maybe that is the issue: conflicting, needless guilt.  We are so trained to feel like we are meant to give in and bend and cut away parts of ourselves at every turn in order to make people happy but we know it’s wrong—and then we feel bad for calling people on it.  How are we supposed to function if we aren’t allowed to make definitive decisions because it offends someone? Honestly I am frustrated by the amount of power HR has given this woman.  They are allowing her to have input in an area that she has nothing to do with.  An area that she knows nothing about.

To the issue of her having power, is that my ego annoyed that someone with a position below me is telling me what to do?  Perhaps.  But it annoys me that a corporation that is dealing with financial issues would waste their time entertaining the opinion of someone who doesn’t do the work.  That would be like letting me decide how surgeries are supposed to function.  I have no business making those kind of decisions.  I know that and I accept it.  If she can’t accept it then there are other issues at play.

I know that my time can be better spent if her behavior was managed better.  I’m not talking about controlling her, I’m talking about setting clear boundaries about what behavior will and will not be allowed in the workplace.  I don’t feel like that is a revolutionary idea.  In this day and age with everyone becoming offended and the hypersensitivity all around, we have lost our focus and are worried about making people happy over making people secure and safe.

The more I reflected on the latter point, I began to look at things differently.  This woman is a hurt person and she is lashing out.  Yes, I got caught in the tailings and I didn’t deserve it but it wasn’t personal.  She had a history of issues with other people and she let her professional life get out of control because she had no control anywhere else.  So the lesson really is that nothing in leadership is personal.  We are so raw right now and we all feel the struggle as we try to maintain a sense of control over our world.  It seems everything we know is being called into question and falling apart.  That makes us cling harder to the image we hold in our minds about how things should go.