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I’ve stopped and started a million times, always believing I needed the “right time” or the “right thing” to say.  I’ve felt that I wasn’t qualified enough to share my views.  I let all of those feelings hold me back.  If we allow ourselves to be really honest, we can all account for at least once in our lives when we let a feeling dictate our actions.

Whenever we feel ourselves pulled by an emotion rather than a place of driving action, that is when we have an opportunity to slow down and determine where we want to go.  In making any decisions in our lives, we have to learn to cut out the extraneous and learn to trust ourselves.  Trust is a delicate thing, even when we are speaking in the context of trusting ourselves.  Think about how much energy we focus on our mistakes as opposed to our successes.

In The Judgement Detox Gabby Bernstein talks about our habit of judging things and she raises an important point:  When we judge, we do so because we are separated from love.  When we are connected to love we have no need to judge ourselves or others.  That separation from love also leads to mistrust in our own abilities.  When we judge ourselves as incapable, that is a lack of trust in ourselves.  We begin to form a habit of using defense mechanisms and we throw judgements around rather than taking the time to connect back to source.  When we are disconnected from source, it is difficult to trust that we will know the right action to take.  When we find that connection again, that is when we learn to believe in ourselves.

When we find that trust again, we know that we can take action without permission.  This means we can act before we are ready.  We can take up the space we need.  We can learn new skills.  We can develop new relationships that bring us right where we are meant to be.  Sometimes taking steps that don’t make sense are exactly what we have to do.  That is a profound act of trust in source as well as within ourselves.  And honestly, life is too short to believe that we have to qualify doing what we are called to do.

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A little follow up from the discussion the other day about character.  Over the last couple of days, I’ve had to make some decisions that were direct tests to my character—moreover to the character of the person I am becoming.  I realized that what I said was more true than I initially thought.  I realized that I need to stand firm in my decisions.  I’m a grown woman, I own my own home, I’m starting a business, I’m a wife and a mother.  There have been some concerns for me at work so I opted to take some time off to make sure my family is taken care of and that no one is put in harms way during this time.  After I’d made the decision several comments were made insinuating different things about my leadership.  That is a sensitive topic for me as I pride myself on taking care of my teams and guiding them through.  Talk about instant spiral into questioning everything.

I went from feeling secure in my position and comfortable with the choices I’d made to immediately crumbling into the attention seeking child needing approval.  And that’s where something just snapped for me.  I have worked too hard and too long and I have sacrificed too much of my life hoping that I would get some recognition or even some reprieve and be able to call the shots for myself some day.  At a minimum that I’d be able to make decisions that wouldn’t hurt those I love as well.  So I realized that it’s time to let go of all of that nonsense.

I’m not going to hold this guilt any longer.  This insecurity that I’ve done something wrong.  The belief that I’m being fed that my actions alone are the downfall of anything.  When the comments were made, I even tried convincing myself this could be an opportunity to shine in my organization.  But it hit me that my experience tells me they wouldn’t listen anyway.  I’ve come in before with ideas that no one heard.  The ideas were used, but not when said from my lips.  That latter part has nothing to do with recognition and everything to do with wasted energy.  I could run around screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room and no one would hear me—so it’s about making a choice to use my energy wisely.

This guilt merely eats up space and keeps me from what I need to be doing.  It helps me from hearing my calling.  I am a helpful person and it doesn’t make me selfish to do what I need to do to protect my family.  I’ve been given a golden opportunity HERE.  I can finally take care of my baby and have TIME to be with him.  I can have TIME to work on my projects which are my gift, my contribution in all of this.

The truth is if I have to give anything through guilt 1. It’s not mine and it’s not genuine because it doesn’t come from me and 2. There’s a debt to it in the guise of “have I earned or done enough here?”  I’m tired of living like that.  For me as a people pleaser, the question then became “What am I really trying to satisfy?”  Is it my ego by proving what a good and noble person I am?  That’s a losing battle because there will always be someone to tell me I’m not good or not enough or someone to tell me I’m too much.  So why can’t I shift to satisfying my calling?  I’m done waiting for some arbitrary time, some token.  I know with everything in my gut that I need to take care of my family but I also don’t want to let down my boss.  I don’t want the disapproval looming over me or the perception that I’m not a team player.  But who’s going to have to take care of mine when it all comes down in the end?  My family isn’t their business—so if I’m gone, they will easily move on.  I need to take care of us.

At the end of the day, people’s belief in me, their view of me, their perception, approval, or even their permission is not needed.  I’m not responsible for how they feel about me.  I’m responsible for me and my decisions.  Am I perfect?  HELL NO.  Has staying home from work impacted the world?  HELL NO.  But it HAS impacted my child’s world.  He sees his mother is here for him through a terrible thing.  He has been put first.  It’s impacted mine as well because I’m finding MY voice.  It is hard to accept this reasoning and not fall back into the approval patterns.  But it’s only because of old habits that don’t serve.  The new reasoning feels right. Real. Aligned. Authentic.

I no longer need to look for accolades from teaching, letting myself be pushed where they need me than what is right for me.  I’ve earned my keep and I don’t need to ever carry that guilt for living my life.  I’ve realized that chasing praise is like a brilliant sunny day where it’s still too cold out.  It’s gorgeous, but misleading because you’ll still freeze when you’re out of the light.  You feel great when you’re getting that praise but the second it’s gone, you chase it and do whatever you can to prove you’re worthy.

Something I’ve preached for a long time is something I’m still practicing myself: letting the light I’m looking for come from within so I no longer need that approval.  I am enough.  I am doing what’s right.  Permission granted—from myself, for myself.  I know I still have a lot of work to do but my main goal now is to get healthy mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.  Then I can really do more and unleash this gift.  In the meantime, I’m gonna go and make salt dough hand prints with my kid because that is where I need to be.

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Character isn’t something we inherit, it is something we have to build.  We always have a choice in how we respond and how we perceive a situation.  There are ways that we can learn to take a step back even when we are emotional or triggered.  The world won’t handle you with kid gloves, so understand that your feelings will not be considered in the grand scheme of things.  Your behavior, your attitude, your game plan, and your reactions are what will get you results.

Be the best version of yourself.  For some of us that is easier said than done because we have been told who we are supposed to be for a majority of our lives.  Even if you are in that circumstance, remember your voice is worth being heard so take the little steps to crack your shell and let yourself out.  If we only knew how toxic it is to cage ourselves with what we think we have to do, we’d never do it again.  We are never powerless.

During this time, there is an opportunity to develop who we want to be.  I recently read that now isn’t the right time to make ourselves a project.  I have to disagree on a certain level.  The article discussed that we shouldn’t spend this time trying to achieve a million and one things to fill our days and prove how productive we are—which I actually do agree with.  Where I disagree is that we CAN pick a singular project that will help in breaking the same old routine we have and help us step forward into our authentic selves.  If you are fortunate enough to be home and able to review and observe and reevaluate your life and if you are even more fortunate to take action on that, then this is the perfect time to do it.

We are all going to come out of this isolation different one way or the other.  Some of us will be forever grateful to have made it through.  Some of us will be closer to our families.  Some of us will never be stuck in isolation again.  Some of us will have lost people.  Some of us will have gained friends or have re-established relationships with people.  I say take the steps to be the person you were always meant to be and come out of this happier and more centered.  If the world is changing then we need to change with it.  Don’t fight it.  Learn to lean into it and flow.

Make your character and learn to be that person and do it unfailingly because the world is going to need a different type of person on the other side of this pandemic.  It is going to need the people who are willing to fight for the underdog. It is going to need the people who are willing to establish justice, safety, and security for all.  It is going to need people who can guide others through a transition they aren’t comfortable with. It is going to need the people who can make the world look a little brighter for everyone.  We aren’t looking to outshine each other—we are looking to make as many lights as possible visible to everyone.  So be that light.

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Today is a day that we can all be thankful for, but I wanted to share some of my own gratitude.  I woke up healthy, my family is healthy, we have food to eat, water to drink, clothes, we are comfortable.

I am thankful that I get to spend time with my family.  I am grateful that I am able to determine my priorities and to make decisions based on what is aligned with who I am.

I am grateful that I have the ability to share my thoughts and to spark conversation and thought with people.  I am grateful that I have a gift to share with people.

I am grateful that I have the groundwork to do the hard things that I know I can and must do to create the life I want for myself and for others to create their lives as well.  While they may not be pleasant, I am able—and that is all I need.

I am grateful for developing clarity.  Today’s message was “You’ll outgrow so much because it’s necessary for your own evolution.  You’re headed somewhere incredible.  Allow it.  Don’t overthink why certain things happened a certain way.  Just focus on the lesson, invest in getting better, and allow something new to happen in your life.”  We don’t have to look at investing in ourselves as a selfish thing.  I look at it as necessary because if we aren’t the best versions of ourselves then we can’t provide to others.  And quite frankly, living someone else’s path will never get us where we need to be either personally or collectively.  We need the unique ideas people have and that only comes from supporting people as they are and looking at the value in their contributions.

I am grateful to release fear and to commit to a path.  I have been truly taking care of myself this entire week and I feel like a different person.  From working out every day to taking time to work on my projects to getting to spend time with my family, I feel energized and hopeful.  Simple acts have helped me to feel more alive than I ever have trying to prove my worth to other people.

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We are experiencing life in action.  I went fishing with my husband and son today and we saw tons of people outside.  There is so much life, people exercising, kids running and enjoying the outdoors, neighbors saying hello again.  I couldn’t help but to think to myself, “This is how it’s supposed to be.”  We spend so much time locking ourselves up inside, in our offices and in our homes waiting for the right time to come out and enjoy.  We wait until we have done the “required” amount of work before we have earned the right to relax and have fun.  We wait until we have earned enough time off to go enjoy a vacation with our families—or on our own.

Why do we continue to follow these arbitrary guidelines?  Why do we start teaching them from such a young age?   Now, to be clear, I FIRMLY believe that kids need education and I FIRMLY believe that we all need structure of some kind.  But what I don’t agree with is that we don’t do these things in accordance with the natural rhythm of life.  We rarely sleep anymore in order to get things done.  We are taught that our intuition and our natural interests and flow in life are wrong and a system is substituted that keeps us on a rigid schedule trying to meet unattainable goals, working for hours on end for little return, locked in a room whether it is school or work or home and we are confusing arguing with communication.  The truth is we simply can’t go on at this pace anymore.  The world is quite literally telling us to slow down right now and to get back in touch with what we know is true.

We have been given the gift to live in a time where technology is rampant and can make life more efficient for us.  So why do we only focus on using it as a luxury and not as a way of being?  Because we are still looking at technology as a status symbol rather than a tool for all.  Those who can afford it will get it.  That mentality needs to end because there is nothing to gain from exclusion.

See, when we start getting back in touch with these things that are calling inside of us, we know that there are possibilities.  Look at all the beautiful things happening in the world right now through the use of technology.  Concerts are being shared via facebook live and Instagram and tons of other ways.  Museums are sharing their works with the world for free.  Lessons are being taught online for free.  It’s AMAZING.  And all of this is going to open up new channels of looking at the world and interacting with each other.

Because when we remove the hassle of money and the threat of “not enough” or the premise that we need to prove ourselves with material things, the ACTUAL exchange of ideas happens unimpeded.  And when you give EVERYONE access to that regardless of their financial circumstances, you give everyone a chance to participate and you give yourself a chance to learn something from people.  Now, we’ve had access to this technology for decades and people have already used these resources to share their ideas—I don’t pretend that is a new idea.  But what is new is the amount of people who now have to live their lives this way (working remotely).  And this is the new normal.

The world needs to focus more on eliciting good ideas out of people and in order to do that we need to learn to have real conversations.  We need to learn to listen again and how to get the message if we are unclear.   So we are starting small in our homes.  We are expanding to having a different style of work and a new level of trust that the work will get done out of an office setting.  Just because things have been done a certain way for a long time doesn’t mean they need to continue that way.  It’s exciting.  I feel like these are the first steps to witnessing a collective rebirth for us all.  We are going to continue to see new possibilities in this lifestyle and we are going to continue to question why we have to go back to the old way.  THAT is an awakening.  Dive in.

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Regardless of any faith you may believe, I feel what we need now is to remain hopeful.  I see how rapidly things are changing and I see the projections of where this is taking us and I want us all to keep our faith here and understand that we are all in this together.  So here is my hope for all of you:

During this time of change, help us witness the outmoded patterns that we are collectively releasing and help us to do our part to let go as well.  Help us let go of fears about what people think, about achieving goals solely for money, about success.

Help us release fears related to financial stressors and trust that as this situation continues to adapt and unfold, more changes will be made to help us through this.

Help us release judgement of what is occurring, of people, of myself as we all struggle to work with what has been presented to us.  Please help us accept what is and to learn to adapt.

Help us find new creative ways to express ourselves.  Please help us use this time to find the connection to soul and spirit within us to bring forth the joys we have repressed in favor of what we believed we were supposed to do.

Please guide us to fulfill our purpose during this time and to find alternative ways to help those that I am able to reach with my gifts.

Please provide us with a sense of peace and belief that we will all get through this as we are meant to.  As difficult as this is, as painful as the losses we have experienced and are still facing may be, please help us understand the reason.

Please help us turn this situation into something of collective beauty.

Please protect us through these challenging times and grant us health and strength.  Please help us use this time to learn to instill health as a part of our lifestyles moving forward and to make changes to ensure that we understand that health is a vital part of society—not something we should be afforded as we can afford to pay for it—it is a right for all.

Please let us learn to appreciate what we have been given and to no longer take our privileges for granted.  We have all seen first hand how quickly they can be taken away when necessary—so let’s take this time to see what a gift we have.

Please let us take the lesson about societal interconnectedness to heart.  Our actions truly have an impact on everyone.  Even if you don’t see it personally, your actions have ripples that stretch far and wide so let’s do our best to heed our impact on ourselves, our loved ones, on those we don’t see, and the planet.  Let’s make better decisions.

Please let us see the beauty in each new day and learn to be in love with life again.  Real life—being with our families, spending time with people, building and creating again.  Amen.

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Folks, all of this will be ok.  It may not feel like it today, it may not feel like it in a week or a month from now.  but it will be ok.  There is nothing to fear with the changes that are occurring.  And the truth is fear is a result of being unsure how to handle the unknown.  There was a time that people were tuned into the earth and we are being called to do that again.  Everything will be ok.

Humans are remarkably adaptable creatures and the earth is telling us that it is time for a shift.  We are moving from the mind to the earth and to the sky.  What good is living in the mind if there is nothing that can be benefitted from it?  And really the first question should be, who outside of us benefits from living in our minds?  I’m not saying to abandon all logic but I am saying to revisit motive.  We are entering a new normal and we have to learn to deal with it.

I’ve had my freak out.  I’ve had my wrestling with “What’s next?” and “How are we going to get through this financially?”  And now I have to say I just don’t care.  The truth is the paradigm with live under is all going to have to go away regardless, because we are awakening.  Sometimes the world ends up taking us right we are meant to be no matter how uncomfortable it is getting there.  I believe that we are in that process now.

For the first time ever we are GLOBALLY in the exact same situation.  This is something that has affected all of us and will continue to affect us all until the message is received.  The world has resources that were never meant to be monopolized and turned into a commodity, people are not commodities, and business isn’t God.  How fortunate we are that in the midst of a devastatingly unfortunate situation that we are still given the opportunity to reflect and change and grow.  We need to understand that the work that is needed in this case is internal.  This isn’t something we can buy and bring home or something we can go to the office and produce.  This is a time we have to sit and get uncomfortable.

We have been trained to avoid discomfort in our lives.  We have been given the opportunity to shield ourselves from the internal work through distraction.  We were able to buy pretty things while feeling like shit on the inside.  When there is a true global crisis going on (as there is now) we have to shift from how do we avoid this to how can we help in this?  That is going to mean very different things to everyone.  There are some people being called to the frontlines.  There are people who are providing services online.  There are people providing FREE services online.  There are people helping neighbors, assisting elderly, there are teachers providing lessons from home.  So many beautiful things.  For some of us we feel the need to internalize.  Whether you were always introverted or if this is raising serious fears for you, THAT IS OK.  For I am also of the belief that the work we do individually raises the vibration for the collective.

If you are one of those people, learn to sit where you’re at and learn the questions you really need to ask.  You can ask yourself how this discomfort feels in your body.  You can ask yourself where you’re feeling it in your body and research how the emotion and the physical expression are related.  You can ask what the fear is really telling you about what you’re called to do.  For all of the wonderful connections we have through technology, we are a generation that has lost the ability to connect with people.  So ask yourself where are you disconnected?  Are the anxieties you feel related to that disconnection?  Chances are, yes, they are. And chances are you are more disconnected with yourself than anyone else.  So start there.

Simply start by feeling the weight of your body as you move through the world or even as you sit on the couch.  Concentrate on the connection you feel between the materials of the sofa, your clothes, your skin.  What does it actually feel like?  Where are you tight?  Where are you relaxed?  Are your clothes binding or loose?  Keep in mind that you’d make adjustments to any of these issues if you felt uncomfortable.  We are going to apply that principle to your thoughts.  Where in your mind do you feel restricted?  And when you feel that way, what does it do to your body?  Sometimes the answers on how to fix that are more challenging that changing into sweatpants.  But finding that one thought and stopping it or even adjusting it is enough to put you on a different path.  That is often the goal:  get off of the path of repetitive thoughts and learn to follow what is right for you.  So much of working through anxiety is really about shifting back to the physical present.  That’s all that is needed.

So while I don’t have a crystal ball, I still feel in my gut that everything will be ok.  The simple truth is that at this point there is nothing we can do to change what has happened.  We all have to move forward in this together and we can do that by celebrating the need for a  new way of life, or we can fight what is happening to preserve something that didn’t really serve the people or the world regardless.  I hope with everything in me that we choose the former.  I don’t pretend that it isn’t a lot of work or that it is easy—I just know solidly that it is possible and that it is necessary.  So for the time being, just stay as safe as you can and ride this wave with the world.  It’s all changing anyway and we can take that message clearly now: don’t get too comfortable, there is more to do here.  The old ways served in their time and now it’s time for something else.  So do your part.

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Just a quick post because these are really emotional times for a lot of us.  We have different fears and concerns and we have valid questions as to how we found ourselves here.  When our emotions are heightened we don’t always think clearly but I want to reinforce that whatever you’re feeling, that is yours.  It is ok to feel it and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I had a coworker crying in my office today because she felt the strain of what this disease is doing to all of us.  She isn’t able to take time off and she is genuinely concerned that the powers that be are being cavalier with how we are still working.  I felt the utter helplessness of it and know that she isn’t the only one to feel that way: I feel it myself.  We are in a global health crisis and we are still being forced to worry about money over health.  That’s how we got here in the first place—we care more about making a buck than about doing things right.  We care more about how things look than about how they really are.  We will drink poison from a beautiful bottle because it looks right.

It’s exhausting, scary, and sad but the only way to make it through these things is to focus on the positives.  That is a choice–we can let ourselves sink into it or we can rise above it.  This is giving us a lot of time to develop clarity and to heal and to look at doing things differently.  These are all things we need for growth.  And in growth we discover what we are really looking for in our lives.

I encourage everyone to take the time to heal.  Rachel Wolchin in Your Choices, Your Changes said, “Voids or opportunities?  It’s up to you.”  Now, I know this quote wasn’t in reference to the situation we are facing today, but that simple phrase applies.  In this stillness observe and then make the best of it.  Adapt to what needs changing.  Sonya Tochai said “Stress has the tendency to blind you from your blessings.”  Similar to how any heightened emotion obscures our real thoughts, when you’re stressed you can’t see what the real issue is.  So focus on what can be controlled and changed.

To promote healing, I say breathe.  Take it one step at a time and relish in the pause.  If you feel something, try not to react to it immediately.  Rather, let it sit.  We have been blessed with an abundance of time right now so feel your way through it without letting it take hold.  Think about how you want to react.  Take stock of everything you have around you—you can always find something to be grateful for.

I also want to remind you all that this will pass.  It is going to take some time, but it will pass.  So, if you need support, reach out (virtually) to whoever you have to in order to work through it.  Be patient because we haven’t dealt with this in our lifetime so we are all on the same learning curve.  Having empathy and compassion will help because there are people who simply don’t understand the magnitude of what’s happening.  And again, breathe.  We are all in this together.