Honesty About Fear

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I’ve been asking what kind of person I want to be through this crisis.  I’m struggling with a lot of things and grappling with what they mean for who I am as a person.  At my 9-5, I am a manager, a leader of a small group of people.  I know that in times of crisis a leader is supposed to show up and is supposed to be an example of what to do.  And the truth is I want to be a leader.  I do want to help my people through this.  But what I am being told to do and what my intuition is telling me we need to do are in direct opposition.

I have a team of managers that I work with and my director is fairly adamant that we continue working through this crisis.  I’m struggling with this because my departments are effectively closed during this time.  I have work that I can do from home but we are not being released to do so.  I’m struggling because I know in my heart that the example I need to set is one of staying at home and keeping ourselves as safe as we can, minimizing contact with others for the time being.  What we are being told to do is to show up every day and put ourselves on the line as needed.

In truth, I don’t feel the same as my co-workers in this regard.  My expertise is not of service to the clinical teams and I don’t feel it appropriate to attempt to work elsewhere.  I am also in a different life situation than my co-workers:  I have a three year old and I have parents in their 70’s who help me watch him.  In good conscience, I can’t put my family in danger for the sake of a job.  Please don’t misunderstand, I actually enjoy the work and I enjoy being able to lead people, but the reality is that I am putting my family in danger by continuing to expose myself to this disease.  This is a defining moment in so many ways.

I’ve spent a LOT of years doing exactly as I was told, constantly going against what my gut told me was the right thing to do in favor of what other people told me was the right thing.  This is a circumstance where everything in my body is telling me those rules no longer apply.  This is literally a global pandemic and any one of us getting sick is not going to help the situation.  I truly feel that keeping ourselves separated for the time being is what’s going to help us moving forward.  Previously, I’ve gone to work with bronchitis, I’ve worked with broken bones, I’ve worked with scarlet fever all because I felt like I had to prove I was reliable.  This goes beyond being reliable.  This is about everyone’s safety.  I don’t feel like it’s a good example to be sacrificial lambs when there is no need for us to be there.

I know that there isn’t a lot of clarity in this situation because we have never faced something of this magnitude before.  There isn’t a lot we know how to do.  We haven’t been trained to work from our intuition before and this scenario requires a lot of trust in ourselves.  It’s hard to do that because we are still in the stage where national leadership is still confused so their primary focus is on money.  It’s terrifying because we don’t know what to expect next, especially when we have been trained that money is the way out—you have enough money you can support yourself through the next thing and we are being told we can’t work.  So that fear leads us to continue working when we shouldn’t be and we contribute more to the pandemic than to the healing.

So what I want to do is be an example of what we need to do next.  If we can’t actively contribute to the healing (medical care and making sure there is food for people as some examples) then we need step out of the way and do our part by staying home.  I know in my gut this won’t last forever and I know the longer we delay this, the worse the disease is going to get.  We have the ability to suspend all mortgages, rent, utilities to make this easier for people.  Take away the fear of money and provide for all.  The fate of the world’s health depends on our pressing pause right now.  We have to stop pretending that money even matters at this point—there is no amount of money that will stop this from affecting anyone.

Does this make me a bad leader or a strong one?  And is there a right or wrong in this?  Based on my conditioning I feel like I am not a leader at all and that I am letting my management team down.  There are different definitions, I guess, and the only thing we can do is go with what feels right to each of us.  For me, I would prefer to err on the side of caution and allow the health care workers to get ahead and give this world a fighting chance.  This is the time to make a different choice, and perhaps that is the point.  There is no right or wrong, we just have to do something different.  I pray to be strong enough to take the leap into the work I am meant to do.  I pray to be the example I am meant to be.

Bonus Post! Coping With Anxiety During the Unknown

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Times of crisis can bring up a lot of emotions ranging from concern to fear, to stress about money all the way to survival.  Each brings about it’s own underlying anxiety.  But this isn’t the time to sink into that type of fear whether it is depression about what is and how we got here or anxiety about what is coming next and how we will function again.  This is the time to take it step by step until we can see the big picture.

I am really good at creating scenarios to fear—it’s pretty much in my DNA, so I have spent a lot of time learning how to cope through different modes of anxiety from the day to day to the big issues.  I’ve also had a lot of experience working through things I’ve created on my own.  Regardless of what is causing the anxiety for you, here are some tips to get through that have helped me over time:

Anything to help keep you in touch with your senses.  A good exercise is to remember is the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 method.  Talked about from the University of Rochester’s Medical Center, it’s a simple but highly effective technique.  The first thing is to acknowledge FIVE things you can see around you—anything in your surroundings.  Then acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you.  Then acknowledge THREE things you can hear.  Then acknowledge TWO things you can smell.  Finally, acknowledge ONE thing you can taste.  It’s a great way to connect with your body and get out of your mind, especially when your mind is running wild.

Another technique is to focus specifically on breathing.  I like the 1:2 technique or the square breathing technique.  For 1:2 breathing simply inhale for a given amount of time and then exhale twice as long.  So if you inhale for 2 seconds, exhale for 4.  Make sure you count each time!  For square breathing, also called box breathing, it is simply a 4 part breath of 4 counts each.  So you inhale for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and hold the breath for 4 seconds.

Another technique I like is to shift the thinking toward things I am able to do.  So much of anxiety is internalized worry about a future we can’t see.  When we stop that train of thought and look for the actionable steps we can take, it gives us a sense of accomplishment as well as a tangible result.  It helps to get the mind off of the things we can’t even see let alone control.

I also like progressive muscle relaxation but I have found that I need this to be a guided session.  It is simply matter of walking your mind through your muscle system and telling it to relax but I find that I get distracted easily if I try to do it on my own.  So, it’s effective but I personally need help with it.

I also like to pick a different activity.  Rather than get stuck in your mind chewing on scenarios, start to look for something to do like painting, coloring, cooking, maybe even reading.  Something to distract the mind from merely thinking, thinking with purpose and giving yourself a tangible activity helps to direct some of that energy.

Getting moving works as well.  It doesn’t matter if it’s dancing, hopping around with your kid, taking a walk around the block, biking down a trail, exercising at home, or cleaning the house—moving the body is physically good for you, but it takes the attention away from the thoughts.  Ultimately that is the goal, getting out of your head.

If you’re unable to take the time every day to move your body, then take the time to invest in good fuel.  Rather than eating tons of fast food, take the time to prepare healthy snacks and meals.  Avoiding processed foods helps minimize chemicals going in that can impact mood and health.

Another technique is meditation.  There are tons of free resources available online so do a quick search and try a few out.  It may take a while to find a meditation that works for you but keep looking until you do.  When you find something that works well for you, then use it.  Even if you find yourself distracted during that time frame, the intention to pause the self-talk will help redirect some of that anxious energy.

One last thing that has helped me is to give myself time.  I’m talking about those moments when things get really stressful and nothing works.  You feel crazed and caged and you’re repeating thoughts over and over again.  When I find myself in that frame of mind, I set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and I let my mind run wild.  No matter how insane the thoughts may be, I let them come.  I let each one roll and roll and boil and progress to as scary a scenario as I can think of.  Once that timer goes off, I’m done.  I wrap up quickly and tell myself that it’s time to breathe again and face reality.  It’s not time to be afraid anymore, it’s time to pick a new thought.

Overall, I think the strategy you use is going to be very personal.  It’s going to depend on what you’re feeling in that moment because our anxiety changes minute to minute.  But the key is to recognize where you’re at as soon as possible and to use a tool to help you through.  Use as many tools as you need to until you feel like you’re level again.  Remember you’ve got this.  One step at a time, one day at a time, we’ve all got this.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for being pushed out of my comfort zone.  Thinking of how things are going to be changing over the next few weeks has put my mind into overdrive because there are a lot of unknowns.  It’s not quite anxiety but it is a pressing anticipation.  I am grateful for this because the things I used to think about doing now have to be done.  I used to think that speaking about things was enough to instill change or prove I was a certain way.  Now that I’m home, I’m seeing how much more I need to do.  I need to stand behind those words.  My actions need to match those words.  This is an opportunity to get creative and show another side of myself.

Today I am grateful to be held accountable.  All of those things I said I wanted to do like getting the house organized, creating my business, creating the product, having fun with my family, trying new recipes—this is the opportunity to fulfill all of that.  This is the chance to be the person I want to be.

Today I am grateful to continue to prioritize what needs to be done.  It’s uncomfortable to have so much perceived down time (not that there isn’t plenty to do) because we have to admit to ourselves how much we’ve filled our lives with things that aren’t totally necessary.  The distraction and the busy we’ve filled our lives with are nothing but that—distraction and self-made busy.  We are learning a new way to get things done.  We are learning a new way of doing everything and seeing what is really important.

Today I am grateful for opportunities.  During this crisis I am fortunate enough to have various opportunities when it comes to work because of the work I do.  This isn’t something to take for granted and I am learning how to share that privilege with others.  I see the potential in how this could work for people long term and I can only hope that the possibilities spread themselves to others.  I pray we come together as a collective to ease the strain for others who are unable to work status quo.

Today I am grateful for the potential that is coming out of this situation.  This is going to create a new way to look at work, both how much we work and what work needs to be done, this is going to create a healthier Earth as pollution levels have already dropped significantly, this is going t create a new way of interacting with people as we view humanity in a new light.  These are incredibly powerful transitional things and we will all be better for it on the other side.

Today I am grateful to my team in healthcare.  I fully recognize the work they do, the sacrifices they are making, and even the risk they are taking and I give them all the honor I can as they deal with this.  While I also work in healthcare, I am in a different capacity so my work is on a different side.

Today I am grateful to have the chance to play my part.  I am also grateful to see that my role in this may be different than I initially thought.  I have felt so much discontent for so long and that is because I’ve been fighting what I am meant to do.  I have been playing along with someone else’s story and trying to fulfill their expectations instead of my own.  The greatest opportunity out of this situation is to learn who we are and to do what we need to do even if it’s a small part.  I will fulfill my obligations no matter how small.  And if we can all do that, then we will get through this.

Thoughts on Lockdown

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Today the shelter in place order has taken effect in Illinois.  It’s strange more than anything.  The world seems to be falling asleep while we are all trying to awaken within the confines of our homes.  At the same time, the life that has sustained us on this planet seems to be coming alive again as well.  These are confusing times.  Chaotic, unnerving, uncertain.  And I am here at the precipice of a feeling that my life is also chaotic and uncertain, and yes, unnerving.

We have to make these decisions in life and I’ve so often let them weigh on me whether it was what to eat or what to wear or when to buy a house—I carried the weight the same no matter the magnitude of the decision.  I let it crush me.

And in these times in particular, there are decisions that have to be made that we can’t possibly know the answer to.  We can’t see how they will turn out.  There is simply no way to know what will come of these unprecedented circumstances.  This is something we simply haven’t seen in our lifetimes.

And the beautiful thing is, that as scary as the circumstances are, we HAVE to change.  No matter what decision we make, change will be the result.  This is about learning who we are and letting the world see that to the fullest.  This is about the most blatant visible destruction of a system we have put faith in for so long (but knew was unhealthy for the majority) and now we are seeing clearly it doesn’t serve.  And for the first time I am happy to say that those in power seem to grasp that their rules don’t work and that we need to take steps we haven’t before.  This isn’t about power, it’s about preserving the power of life.

This is a learning experience for all of us.  Time to embrace humanity at its core.  Refresh and remember that through disconnection we can find what we need to reconnect to.  This, my friends, no matter how terrible, is a new start.

On a personal level, I thought for so long that I am a strong and brave woman who could and would face anything.  It turns out that I am not necessarily as brave as I thought.  I no longer want to seek out the fight.  I no longer want to be on the front lines of chaos.  I want to be in rooms where logic prevails and there never has to be a question of what the right thing to do is.  Not when lives are on the line.  I want to live in a time where people are all given the same chance.  It isn’t about fending for ourselves anymore, it’s about the collective.

Our lives will look and feel different.  These are uncharted waters and no one can know what to expect next.  We will have to figure things out as people did before us.  The simple fact is we were on an unsustainable trajectory for both the people and the planet.  The pattern and the plan needed to shift.  I feel like we are understanding that money is simply a tool and we can decide to use it how we want to.  With that, I’m hoping there are more of us who realize that money can no longer be the driving factor when it comes to determining a person’s worth.  We can create a more sustainable way of life for all and the Earth is already reaping the benefits from our pause.  We have to stop pretending that we haven’t built a system that we have devolved into an incredibly classist and exclusional way of being.  We can do better than that because it doesn’t work for everyone.

As we are forced to wait this out and take the pause, there are things that we are learning to no longer take for granted.  The simple act of being, the ability to have access to goods and services of our choosing, the ability of people to provide those goods and services, time with our loved ones.  This is a reminder and a stark lesson in what time means and how we choose to spend our days.  We can continue to struggle through a man made construct that doesn’t fit the natural rhythm of things or we can reflect during this time and rebuild.  How exciting that is.  Our existence is a gift.  We have forgotten what it means to be alive and what is valuable.  Hear what the world is trying to tell us.

For me, I am done.  I am done trying to raise my voice in rooms that only speak louder once I open my mouth.  I am done trying to voice what is right in a room that is blind to any sense of wrong doing.  I am done believe that because I am small that my worth is lessened.  I am done forcing and fighting to get a moment to myself.  I am done winning for teams that didn’t even want me on their side in the first place.  I am done putting myself last as an ancillary support for others to reach the places they need to go while I am buried.  I am done fearing that I am not worth the ability to make a decision.  I am done believing that my decisions will implode the world around me.  And I am quite done believing that I need to cut away more pieces of myself for the people who only call when they need me.

What I am going to do is this: I am embracing this one beautiful human life that I have and I am not going to take these moments for granted.  It all moves so quickly and we often race toward the end simply to get there the fastest.  It’s time to relish in the things we see along the way.  Stay safe, stay patient, stay calm, and get connected.  Breathe into the discomfort and wade through the mess to emerge as yourself on the other side.  The world is waking up—let’s wake up with it.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to be able to continue to share these posts.  There is still so much we can do in spite of the limitations we are facing right now.  It doesn’t matter.  This is a chance to break out the creative flow and try new things.  And really, so much is still normal, we are truly blessed.

Today I am grateful to have a healthy day.  I had been ill most of this week and for the first time since Tuesday, I feel relatively normal.  I didn’t feel the need to sit on the couch all day and I was able to accomplish some work around the house.

Today I am grateful to have so much time with my son.  We have been together almost non-stop the last four days because I was home ill and then he started to get sick as well.  We have read books, we have colored, we have watched movies and shows together, we have played with the animals, we have snuggled and napped—and it was all beautiful, peaceful, and restful—and joyful.

Today I am grateful that we were able to function relatively status quo.  It means we are fortunate enough to be able to do our part without any major inconvenience.  I am happy to play my role in this.

Today I am grateful to understand what we need to be grateful for.  I always try to find things to help me look on the bright side.  I am not perfect, I still lose my way often and I lose it spectacularly in many cases.  But I try my hardest to always be a source of light and if I can’t do that, then I try to be a source of reason.  The middle way is important, and in this scenario, it is important to focus on the why behind what is happening.  There are things we may not get answers to in this situation because this is new to all of us.  But to be able to do something so insignificant as to cancel a gathering or to help your neighbors by picking up some food for them is truly the most significant thing we can do.  We are reconnecting to our humanity.

Today I am grateful for the chance to have the time to reevaluate some goals.  I’ve been full steam ahead with some projects for a while now and I was struggling with many of them.  I wasn’t sure which direction to go with a couple, I wasn’t sure what I wanted the end result to look like for many of them, and I found myself in a state of pushing myself just to get it done with the biggest ones.  In short, the steam was running out and I was about to give up on a lot of the goals I had set for myself.  With the general slow down of a lot of other things happening right now, I found myself better able to fall in line.  I HAD to slow down.  The projects that I’m working on are supposed to be long term—these are not things I should be forcing myself to get done as quickly as possible.  These are lifestyle changes, these are commitments I am trying to bring to the world, these are the essence of who I am.  There is no finish line for goals like that.  So I’m taking a different approach.  This isn’t about an assignment that’s due.  This is about being faithful to a goal that is important to me because it’s where I want to be.  It’s about being comfortable in the moment and learning the lessons that go with it.  It’s about the foundation—I can’t rush that.

Today I am grateful to reclaim space.  I was able to get a lot of cleaning done yesterday, especially as I was feeling better, and I have my office/library back.  I have spent the last several months trying to work in the living room with my family and I didn’t realize just how distracting it was.  I feel like I have a little slice of my house just for me, now, and it feels so cozy and warm and it’s exactly what I wanted it to be.  Finding my own little center is exactly what I needed to build my foundation.

Catching Up On the Last Week

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Hi All.  I wanted to take a minute tonight to talk about where I’ve been the last week.  First, I’ve been working my way through B-School and it is INTENSE.  The program is amazing but it is making me evaluate everything I thought I knew and the next steps at every turn so it is a lot of work.  Then it was an incredibly busy week.  I had a system go live at my 9-5 that took up a ton of time last weekend and through Monday and Tuesday.  As I was going through testing on Tuesday for the go live, my throat began hurting.  I’ve had a history of sore throat issues my entire life so this was nothing new for me but it was definitely painful.  When I woke up on Wednesday I had a fever and I could barely swallow.  I made my husband take my son out of the house and then I went to a fast clinic and stayed home and then was dead to the world.  I tried to go to work on Thursday but I couldn’t talk and I only made it an hour.  Then I woke up on Friday and my son was getting sick as well so I tried to work on Friday and I got through about a half day.  Even though I felt a little better by Friday, I was exhausted.  And my kid needed me.

Work continued and I saw my colleagues pulling together because we are dealing with some urgent situations right now.  I felt completely guilty for not participating and I felt out of my element because I would always make every effort to participate but I simply couldn’t.  I was literally a forced stop.  And I am incredibly grateful for it.

See, with me being sick, with the world falling into chaos right now, I think we all have to re-evaluate where we’re at and what we’re doing.  The forced state of working from home and the ability to still get things done has proven that we can shift things and how we function.  This has proven that not only is it possible, it is necessary now.  We can do things we didn’t think were possible before and if we allow ourselves to adapt and do things differently, then we will surprise ourselves with what we can come up with next.

The general sense, for me, right now is a pause.  We need to just take a break.  Taking a break is sometimes the necessary thing to do.  It’s only when we’re not jumping from thing to thing and we stop keeping ourselves constantly busy that we can see what’s around us.  Yet again, a situation where I haven’t practiced what I preached until I couldn’t do anything but pause, but I’m learning.  And it truly is a beautiful thing.  What a gift for all of us to be able to see a different way of doing things.

There are many systemic changes that need to happen and none of it would happen if we weren’t forced to take this pause.  Because from this terrible situation we see that we can’t move forward as we were.  I have felt this stirring in me for some time as I’m sure many of you have.  After all, that’s why we’re here—we’ve agreed and felt the call for something more.  Truthfully I never anticipated it would come from a pandemic. I had hoped our consciousness would be strong enough to encourage us to reach out for more and the change would come naturally.  Regardless of the catalyst, the day is here.  We are at the precipice of what comes next.  We can either move forward as we were before or we can recognize that it’s time to change.  And believe me, I feel in my heart that there are far more people crying for change even if their voices haven’t been heard yet, than those who want to stay the course.

I pray we recover and that we do better.  I pray we recover and decide to change.  I pray we recover and heal.  I pray we recover and release our fears.  I pray we recover and recognize the value of community.  I pray we recover and recognize the value of time again.  I pray we recover and recognize that outdated systems that no longer serve the majority are at their end—and that we peacefully agree to put them to bed.

Change isn’t a bad thing.  It’s a necessary thing, it’s part of life, and it is constant.  This is a circumstance we have been avoiding for too many years because we’ve been placated with things and distractions and now, given a global health crisis, we are being forced to take that next step.  We have the opportunity to find the common ground in a global community.  So, really, what a gift this is.  It may be wrapped in a terrifying package right now, and we are on shaky ground because we don’t know what the next step looks like.  But we have the chance to make something beautiful out of this.  More than anything, I pray that we choose to do so.

Take this time and enjoy.  Put away the things that distract you and spend time with those closest to you.  Don’t look at this as a negative thing—look at this as doing your part.  Look at is as the chance to tap into your creativity again.  To connect again with the things and people you love and to connect with yourself again.  Sometimes you don’t realize how disconnected you’ve been until you see how much “busy” you’ve put in your life.  So pause.  We will get through this no matter what it looks like on the other side.

And I’d like to add a personal side note: If you don’t have to go out, don’t.  In all seriousness, as someone in the healthcare industry for nearly 20 years, we need to flatten the curve to give our hospitals the best chance to logistically help us through this.  It won’t do anyone any good to have ill healthcare workers and minimal supplies when this reaches its peak.  Please respect your neighbors, yourselves, and your community enough to not spread this disease any more than necessary.  I realize how guilty I was of this as I attempted to go in twice this week—and I will never do it again.  Even though my situation isn’t Covid-19, the same applies.  When you’re sick, stay home.  Your body needs it and will thank you—and so will your co-workers.  What a beautiful act of solidarity—simply taking care of oneself to take care of others.  How gorgeously radical.  😊

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for the amazing turn in the weather.  I know a lot of people complain about Daylight Saving Time but I woke up early (I thought it was 6:15 but it was really 7:15 hahaha) and I immediately took the dog for a walk.  My son and husband still slept so I got outside right away.  That is how I want to be able to start my days—a beautiful walk, connecting with nature.  Later in the day we were able to go to the lake and my husband fished while my son and I took a walk all the way around the water.  It felt like a release after being pent up all winter.  It felt like being alive again.

Today I am grateful for that time with my family.  It is in those moments that I truly feel like all the nonsense just slips away and there is a connection with what is really important: enjoying time together, and enjoying time in nature.  I’ve been so busy with work, with school, and with taking care of the family that we seldom have those moments to just unwind and just enjoy being a family.  It was very needed today.  The type of thing you don’t realize how much it’s necessary until it happens.

Today I am grateful to realize where I need to redirect my focus.  As I mentioned earlier, I’m torn between quite a few projects, and while I feel I’m making progress, I feel like I’ve been running with the gas pedal to the floor for a long time.  I need to focus on replenishing.  My classes are going through the basics of what it takes to run a business and I’m learning that I can’t just grind through this.  I need to slow down and get specific.  I need to find what it is in me that wants to get out.

Today I am grateful to reconnect with my husband.  I’ve been grateful for this before, but seeing the concentrated effort put into our family makes me remember why we decided to do this together.  If I’m honest, I know I stepped off the path for a little bit too.  I was so focused on breaking our cycles and finding myself that I didn’t give a lot of consideration for whether or not he was with me.  I can see how he felt left behind and how we started to drift for a while.  There were other reasons as well, but we have definitely come back to seeing the value in the team so to speak.

Today I am grateful for my health.  It has been a long time since I’ve been able to take that kind of walk, let alone two in one day and I am grateful that my body got me through it.  Though I’m not as nimble or quick as before, I am still able to do it.  It gives me motivation to keep movement and health a priority in my life.  I’m not a kid anymore so I can’t treat my body like it’s a dumping ground.  My health needs to be a priority.

Today I am grateful to have a plan.  Even if it isn’t what I originally thought, I am grateful to be able to move forward and modify as needed.  Truthfully, I’m not really even sure if it is a plan.  It’s more of a way to move forward without the self-induced stress of before.  I know that the things I want to take care of can’t always be a priority and that I will have to be flexible.  It doesn’t mean the things I want to do won’t get done.

Today I am grateful for self-acceptance.  I really do try to spend as much time on the weekend with my family as possible because that is a priority for me, but there are a few days that emphasize how important that is for me.  Today was one of those days.  Between school helping me narrow my focus and today spent with my family, I think it became clear what it means to accept myself.  I’ve tried for so long to be this successful business executive who wakes up at the crack of dawn, hits the gym, comes home and gets ready for work, all the while being the ideal wife, the amazing mom, the girl who has it all together.  The one who doesn’t need sleep and can do it all.  I’m not sure if that is real, but regardless of that fact, I am not that woman.  And the more I realize that, the more I can focus on what IS me.  I can try all I want but I am just not at that phase of my life.  I have a toddler and my husband leaves for work by 5AM so I can’t leave the house.  Even if I want to work out at home in the morning, my kid wakes up the second I’m out of bed.  I live nearly an hour away from work.  I’m in school (which is for the big picture in my life). Understanding all of these factors helps me cope with the fact I’m not the picture of who I thought a successful woman is.  It sets me up for creating success where I’m at.

Today I am grateful for self-love.  Tagging along with self-acceptance, the more I accept the phase of life I’m in now, the more I can love these moments as they’re happening rather than lamenting what I’m not doing.  Yes there are things I want in my life and I feel like I should have them because I’m at a certain age where that seems a standard accomplishment.  But that’s not where I’m at.  I have a full life and I am doing more than my best in the areas I can—and that is enough.  The path I am meant to follow may not look like everyone else’s.  Ironically I preach walking your own path all the time—I need to practice it as well.  I actually feel a little bad because I have spent so much time believing that deciding to go your own way was enough, without considering the emotional ramifications of wondering why you’re not “allowed” to follow the traditional path.  That may be a topic for another day but suffice it to say, loving yourself enough to support your own calling is key in this world.

Total Honesty

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Is it selfish to want to be your best?  I was watching an amazing motivational video today from Simon Sinek and he spoke of the dynamic with business, specifically that you have to take care of people, take care of others in order to succeed.  So much of what he said resonated with me until he started talking about the self-help industry and how he hated it.  That gave me great pause.  I will start this by saying that I haven’t read any other comments from him regarding this, so I will not jump to a conclusion but this is a statement I have heard many others agree with—and I am obstinately against it.

Hearing Sinek equate the self-help industry to a bunch of whiney people who were self-serving mad me tense up a little.  I feel this is the very belief that eats away at a person’s ability to take care of themselves.  The simple answer is that we need a middle ground.  No one can survive by giving too much of themselves or focusing too much on themselves.

I also take a very different view of self-help because it is something that helped me profusely.  Self-help applied correctly, meaning helping identify the areas you legitimately need work and walking you through that, can be a game changer.  When you are able to function from your highest capacity, in tune with your purpose and abilities, THAT is when you do your best work for others.  This supports the idea that there is a middle ground, moreso, that the act of caring for self and caring for others are dependent on each other.

To mistake self-help as self-serving is a misinterpretation of what it is at its core.  There is a need to be at your best in order to give successfully, without resentment or expectation.  Your needs have to be met on some level and the truth is not everyone is going to give you what you deserve.  This is where you need to be strong and have enough sense to realize when you are able to help and when you are not.  It isn’t selfish to set a boundary when your energy is depleted beyond what you can spare.  It isn’t selfish to make sure you’re replenished because you can then give that energy in whatever form to others, really to those who need it.

Don’t let others dissuade you from something that works for you.  No matter what it means.  When you are able to apply the healing aspect of introspection into helping others, that is when the work has come full circle and that is what we need to look for. I feel that we are in a certain time where that industry is focusing on an area that needs it—we all need to heal.  When we heal, when we are whole, when we are connected, that is when we can do our best. That isn’t to say that I don’t understand the point of how easily self-help can become self-serving—it most certainly can.  But at its core, it’s about being the best, most fulfilled self you can be and helping others do the same.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to delegate my time as I see fit.  I was able to make the choice to work on some B-School projects as well as this work.  I was able to spend time with my family.  I was able to do a small meal prep.  And I LEFT EVERYTHING ELSE UNDONE!  Yes, it felt uncomfortable, but as the day wore on, it felt amazing.  It was necessary and it made me feel more productive than when I tried to get through the same to-do list as every weekend.

Today I am grateful for the amazing morning I had with my family.  My husband made breakfast (because I did it yesterday) and we literally spent the morning playing.  We kept the TV off and listened to music and we played with my son.  We danced and we laughed.  We spent time with the animals and played with them too.  It was truly an organic moment of being together and enjoying each other—and I wouldn’t have traded that for ANY load of laundry.

Today I am grateful for the reminders about what is really important in life.  I work in healthcare for my 9-5 (management, not direct contact with patients) and we have some scary situations going on right now that impact members of my team.  While this is happening, we are working with limited information but it goes to show how vulnerable we can be at any given time.  Take the time you have and spend it wisely and don’t take anything for granted because you never know when things will shift.

Today I am grateful to be taking massive action toward my goals.  I am starting class tomorrow and I am so thrilled to have been working through a couple of the early modules because this is literally progress I can see.  It feels amazing.  It also feels amazing because a lot of this work is about defining where I am going.  I have looked at my initial plan and now I see where I need to adapt and change my intentions as well as my plan.  It seems so basic in retrospect, but doing this work has made all the difference.

Today I am grateful to simplify.  I’ve had to make decisions over the last few days and it has made all the difference.  It means that certain things aren’t getting done—like they won’t get done now or they may  not ever get done.  And I have to be ok with that.  Stretching myself too thin won’t help get me where I want to go no matter what so it’s better to make focused, actionable steps rather than a million little steps in a million directions.

Today I am grateful to be preparing myself for the future I am building.  I am recognizing where I need to be and the actions I need to take and it is literally transforming me into a different person.  This person needs to be able to adapt and change and needs to be willing to go outside of her comfort zone.  That is some serious work for me.  Again, working in healthcare for as long as I have, there is always a procedure and I am now venturing into territory that has no clearcut path.  But I am taking the steps necessary to get myself there.

Success and Sticky Notes

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I’ve been doing some deep work related to healing over the last several months.  What I’ve realized is that I have been the one responsible for creating all the drama and anxiety in my life.  For anyone dealing with anxiety, this is a huge admission—and it has been extremely cathartic.

Most of my life I have lived in a constant state of, “I have to do X” and I would let it repeat over and over in my mind, running wild.  The effect was nearly devastating to me.  My brain was stretched to the maximum, I felt angry, I felt exhausted, and I would inevitably forget things—and if I forgot something, my word did I lose it.  I’d never forgive myself.  So then I would also carry the weight of simply forgetting something minor as a failure for absolutely no reason.  And the cycle would repeat and repeat.

I started looking at my other habits and realized that a lot of this was part of my personality.  In an effort to be accepted and to prove I was doing “enough” I realized I was taking on too much.  Project after project, commitment after commitment.  And then in my down time, I would crash so the important things were not getting done—the things that were important to me.  THIS is what created the exhaustion and overwhelm.  I was there for everyone but myself and I realized that I was expecting them to pick up for me like I did for them. Naturally I’d feel taken advantage of and cycle into anger.  And the truth is simple: not everyone will be there for you as you are there for them so choose how you spend your energy wisely.

And that is what I started doing and THAT was a game changer for me.  The things I need to accomplish are a priority and where there is time left, that is when I look at anything else.  For anyone else who is a people pleaser, you know how monumental this move is.  This is the moment that you take control back of your life.

So I started simply by writing things down that I didn’t want to forget.  It helped because I had a clear indicator of what I had to do rather than rely on my brain to remember everything.  Can you guess what happened next?  That’s right: Inevitably the list would spiral out of control.  I had to simplify.  I had to admit my humanity and understand that I couldn’t do it all—or at least I couldn’t do it all right now.   In order to see progress, I would have to focus.

I had been working from a state of scattered attention so I took the time to write down EVERY little task that I wanted to accomplish—everything from caulking the tub to looking at business school.  Then I categorized each task (health, business, home projects etc.).  For anything that didn’t fit into a category, I asked if this is something that needs to be added to the list at all.  If I was able to fit it in I did, if not it went to a side pile—and then I got to work.  I want to add that this process took a lot out of me as well.  Having spent years working on things for others, my to-do list always came from other people.  Coming up with what really mattered to ME and deciding what I want to do from there was a journey of its own for this people-pleaser.  But the unfolding process of finding what really matters to me is beautiful because I am reacquainting with myself and finding the pieces of myself that I’d left for “someday”—and I realized that “someday” is today.  No one else was going to do it for me.

This process has been incredibly successful for me. It took a lot of trial and error for me to settle on this route and it took accepting my role in my current state.  I was overcomplicating my life with everything I tried to fit in and spinning in circles rather than taking the right action steps.  I also realized that simply getting done what needed to get done rather than putting it off “because I have time” changes things too—and yes that habit also contributed to my anxiety.   Side note: I will admit that the anxiety is still there but it abates much more easily and far more completely than it used to—and it isn’t as cyclical, it has more to do with my lack of patience.  So in those moments, I try to pause and reflect and simply refocus my attention.  I’m not interested in wasting energy any longer so in those anxious moments the redirect is key.

My goal is to improve my life, not to waste it with anxious thoughts and regret of what I didn’t do.  That means moving forward and DOING the work—and there is nothing like taking down a completed sticky note.  The tasks on those notes are not things that can be done in one day so when it happens, it is a big deal and it is an indicator of progress.  I feel a genuine sense of calm and even a little bit of pride when I am able to take one down.  It helps me get clearer and clearer on where I am going and what I want my life to look like.  And I feel peace knowing that those actions are getting me closer to where I want to be.